how does venom flow so easily from your lips?
you’re my mother, no?
how does it come so easy to you?
how can you call me a disappointment without missing a beat?
-
maybe i am a disappointment
maybe all the bitter nothings you whisper in my ear are true
maybe you’re not really my mother
just a defective clone
maybe my real mother died in childbirth
and you’re the best replacement they could give me
-
as i sit here, writing this poem
i know it’s against your wishes
but i can’t be what you want me to be
you gave birth to me
and as hard as that may be to accept, it’s the unfortunate truth
believe me, i’m not happy about it either.
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140,113 Literary Works • 673,017 Reviews
soooo
the rawness of the mother n child dynamic yr playing with is so interesting. i can feel the frustration in the lines, but it’s like yr holding back.
the strongest part is def that clone bit. it’s got this weird, detached vibe that makes the hurt feel surreal. like yr distancing yrself from the pain by making it sci-fi in image. honestly, i’d lean into that more. the idea of a 'defective clone' hits hard because it’s a coping mechanism -- yr trying to rationalize something irrational, and that’s relatable. it's killer. it works because it's honest.
but then the ending is v anticlimactic. like, 'believe me, i’m not happy about it either' feels like a cop-out. it’s not meeting me where the emotional punch the rest of the poem is building toward. if yr gonna be angry, be angry. if yr sad, let the sadness spill out. it’s more reflective than visceral now. that works in places, but it doesn’t match the weight of the subject yr writing about.
happy writing !
- g
hmmmm. that%u2019s definitely something i didn%u2019t think about
)
id lowkey like to get your ideas on how i can make it more impactful cuz im kinda stuck
Oh my gosh, Ash, I love this!!
First impression: I was looking at the title and like... hmmm this must be a typo. But then as I read the poem, it started to make so much more sense to me.
Right from the start, you describe this mother and child relationship. It seems that this mother can very easily say hateful things, and do hurtful things so their child, perhaps doing it so much that it seems easy for them.
I really liked this part of the poem. You use this repetition of the word maybe a lot in this stanza. You're talking about all these possibilities that you're coming up with in your head to explain how it is possible that this mother could treat you this way even though you are her child. You assume that maybe she isn't even your mother at all, that she is defective and broken, that she isn't even who you thought she has been this entire time. At least, that is one reason that would explain why she is so cruel. That is such a relatable feeling. You can look at your life and not understand why people are the way they are, no matter what you do or how small you are as a person.
So now, back to the title, which was my favorite part of this poem, but also made me think the most. The first thing that I noticed, is that you talk about how the mother can say things so easily. It's like she says anything that comes to her mind and doesn't think about how it makes you feel. What I noticed about the title, is that all the vowels are missing. Those are the sounds that really pieced together at our words. It's like you're almost having a difficulty saying the word mother. Like trying to pronounce the title, it sounds more like a whisper mumble. To me, this represents a lot of pain and resentment and difficulty to accept what you have, because of how much it has hurt you.
Overall, I really like the simplicity of this and I connected to it really deeply. I seriously love your poetry so much and I hope that you post more soon. I can't wait to review it!
Your friend,
Ellie
thank you so much for the kind words ellie!! fun fact, i wrote this in like 5 minutes just to process something that happened but im glad you love it!
i%u2019ll definitely post more soon, thank you again
with love, ash
wow, 5 minutes!! <33 Cant wait!!
<3333