The Final Moment

Hello! I like your poem-the descriptions are very detailed and the language is very sophisticated but in some places it feels like you have used words that are not 'relevant' (like Audy said maybe from thesaurus). The idea is very interesting and I like the fact that there is a storyline type thing!

I would like it if you split it up into stanzas and lines etc. as it makes it easier to read and looks more 'poem-like'! For example:

'Their arrogance and ignorance will be their dinner
My screams and blood will be their dessert
My heart is jailed inside my ribs
The exterminator approaches with maleficent intentions
The gentlemen and gentlewomen stand in rows of two
But surely I laugh at them!
Hiding their feet inside sumputous and luxurious shoes
Wundebar! They have lost touch with nature
Their stomach's are full and gay
Processing the exquisite and luscious delectables
But my abdomen cries and screeches
On Earth and saliva
The exterminator's footsteps approach me like
Grey purple cloud's with a belly full of rain
The gun will caste woes and wretchedness onto me
The trigger is pulled, in less then a second
Day turns into night.
Forever.' -by the way I am not an expert so don't go completely by this-just please split into stanzas! (I don't know where to split the stanzas-don't want just one huge block is all I'm saying!)

Also, please add some punctuation but otherwise it's great-woo hoo!

Well done!

Thank you!

tiggpanda145

Looking past the formatting;
This poem has extremely dire but marvelous descriptive language which both works and needs work. Some of them richly describe a moment in intensity while others seem to not make sense at all in relation to the last line, for example "On earth and saliva" made me confused.

When reading this I got the impression of someone yelling all of these words to me, spitting them out, quite quickly with a tone and laugh of having nothing to lose. Quite specific I know, it should be a good thing that your words can make a reader hear or see something. I am not too sure if 'yelling' was what you intended but that's what I got.

I think the beginning was stronger than the end.

Fix the formatting, divide into lines ect. Or at least put punctuation in. In a way this formatting seems almost intentional, it gives the poem an effect that I did not get when I divided it into lines and read it. But still, at least put in something like punctuation.

Yello. I do so hope this helps you out.

First thing I noticed is that you need a little bit more punctuation and also you should read some of the other poetry posted they cut theirs up into smaller lines.

Well this did not exactly have a happy ending but I sure know what you mean by a stomach ache.

Anyway I would do a little work on plot and the idea of this maybe a little punctuation stuff but otherwise this made sense and was good.

Well one problem is "The Final moment" the name it does not fit the name maybe something like "The never ending night" because really you did not specify the it was final maybe it was just a really long night time.

Anyway this was good only a few small mistakes that I could see.

Keep writing and improvement is granted.

May god be with you.

~Jonathan~

Hey Arif,

Be sure to click on the edit button to the right of your post and try to fix the formatting so that you can break this apart by line. It makes it a bit difficult to read all clumped up in this way x.x That being said, I like the progression of this from your first few lines at dinner to the sounds and depiction of the gun going off - this was really interesting and made for some interesting reading, because of some of the more unique descriptors. One thing that I will comment on is the vocabulary which felt a bit off in places -- almost as though you've picked out the longest words in the thesaurus xD I would try to reach for vocabulary that sounds natural in speech so that it reads more personal, and reflects an actual voice -- as opposed to now, which has an arbitrary way about it, and sounds sort of mechanical o.o I can't tell whose voice this is, and I can't tell who "they" is supposed to refer to. Is it society? the speaker's enemies? etc. So by not having that clear, we don't really get much context to this piece.

I do however, appreciate certain other phrases and descriptors: belly full of rain, in particular, there is a lovely image associated with that.

Thanks for posting! I hope this helps.
~ as always, Audy