z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Miss Right

by arif


As I sit, sleep teases me

The sun radcinquepace

s grandeur

Over the Earth insects

As my eyes lick the room

There she sits, Miss Right

My heart is running like a lapwing

I am showering her with lovers sigh

Her beauty would nurture honeysuckles

And forbid the sun from intervening

Her beauty assets itself unapologetically

Her powers of beauty are medicinable to me

To the point of jealousy

But, I am just a lance ill-headed

Foul bait of an antic

My past speaks poniards and perturbation

How can I overmaster her with a metal heart?

It will only haste me sooner into the cinquepace

I have a viley cut heart that is

Allergic to truth and virtue

Therefore I fear infecting her grace

The north star

My wickedness has dictated

Damnation and rejects salvation

I may die as a bachelor

With broken memories

Oh noble gentlewoman!

Convert my sounds of blithe into tranquil music

For you are a pleasing remedy

A moral medicine, and I long to

Serenade your heart with my amorous tale

You're virtuous orthography are

A fantastical banquet

You have flooded me with soft delicate desires

My eyes negotiate for themselves

I am amorous on you

And beauty is no longer a witch

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394 Reviews

Points: 16710
Reviews: 394

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Mon Oct 07, 2013 12:00 am
KnightTeen wrote a review...



Hi, I am Knight Teen, of the Green Room Knights, here to review your poem.

Okay, I am absolutely obsessed with Shakespeare. As in, I would marry the guy if he was alive and available. MAAN is one of my favorites, I have it memorized. So you get major brownie points for that.

As I sit, sleep teases me

The sun radcinquepace*

s grandeur

Over the Earth insects

As my eyes lick the room


Okay, while I understand the first line, the others draw a blank. What are you trying to illustrate here? And my spellcheck is telling me that the word I indicated is misspelled, but it won't give me the definition and since I don't know this word and where it is misspelled I can't look it up.

Her powers of beauty are medicinable to me


This is misspelled, unless it was intentional.

I think that the two biggest issues that you have (besides being totally awesome) is that you are severely lacking in punctuation and stanzas. These things help create a sort of rhythm, but not every author likes them in their work.

If that is your case, then please ignore me. Knight of Reviewing only here to help.

But seriously, if you show this to Miss Right, I highly doubt that you will die a bachelor. The way you manipulate your words to be so beautiful is amazing.

KT

PS: You are the recipient of my 250th review! Thanks for earning me another Star!




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363 Reviews

Points: 28237
Reviews: 363

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Sun Oct 06, 2013 3:58 am
DreamWork wrote a review...



Hi arif,DK here with review.
This poem has a 'target' was intended to convey to the reader in a narrative form. I just want to show a little here that you may have overlooked.
1.your poem need punctuation ;)
2.You may write a poem with free style, but you have to be careful when creating your poem rhyme. It may overwhelm the readers mood which prompted them to stop reading it.
3.diction-One of the most important decisions a writer has to make is what type of diction to use. Diction, is the style of writing used based on the word choice and usage. The type of diction that is used is mainly based on the appearance, sound, and meaning of the selected words the author wishes to use. In writing, diction is very important as it conveys the style of the piece the author wishes to compose.
Here diction you use is a little missed and do not showing the aesthetic quality should be given when writing poetry.

As I sit, sleep teases* me
The sun radcinquepace*
s grandeur
Over the Earth insects*
As my eyes lick* the room

The descriptions are really odd here.I don't even know what you trying to show by using this words.(Please don't hate me).

But I like this part,very breathtaking! :D ;
Convert my sounds of blithe into tranquil music
For you are a pleasing remedy
A moral medicine, and I long to
Serenade your heart with my amorous tale

Overall,you actually have a talent here,but just maybe your writing style is different,you ended this with a bit confusion.Keep it up!Good luck :)
Kudos,cheers.




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14 Reviews

Points: 597
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Sun Oct 06, 2013 2:45 am
novelist wrote a review...



Wow. You are really talented. I like the part where there's a confession. If this were something that you wrote about that was true I would suggest giving the "Miss Right" your poem to read.

Happy writing!





The adjective should reinvent the noun.
— Leslie Norris