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125,020 Literary Works • 672,862 Reviews
I think this is another lovely poem! You're a very good poet so far. I love that it seems sad and a little lonely. I also love how it's an unknown speaker talking to you about a man--and your last line, "if only someone like you were here" is a perfect ending! It adds just the faintest brush of hope, like when the light of the sun just barely touches the horizon. I do think maybe a stanza of physical description of this man might be highly effective, too. You could give more of a hint as to time, give us a physically-based picture of what he looks like in his war-haunted grief. All in all, though, it is incredibly well done! I look forward to read more of your work.
Hello ArianaSarroyo, nice to meet you.
This is a very good piece. It has lots of emotion, and a good rhythm.
There's really not much to critique. The only thing I can really say is that I think the second stanza would be better with a little rewording. It sorta breaks the rhythm of the poem(or at least that's my opinion).
I really like the way you started it. That definitely has to be my favorite stanza.
Actually just recently my sister(her screen name is Rainn) wrought a poem which has a similar theme. Hers is told from the viewpoint of a man who is always passing people by, not caring. In the end the man finally cares an does something.
Yeah, this just reminded me of it...
If your interested it can be found here work.php?id=100635
Anyway, back to the review. I really must say that the third stanza makes me sad. I think that's because I know it's true, so many people just don't care anymore.
I really, really liked the way you ended it. Although it made me feel slightly guilty, because I know there are people out there who are hurting, but I don't know how to help them.
This stanza has made me start to think, and I believe that is a good thing. And for that reason, I hope that many, many, many more people read this.
~WW
Hi Ariana! Overall, I think there's some good ideas in this piece. I really like the title and the related lines
This takes some more common eye imagery and puts a twist on it, making it sound more interesting and relevant to this context. This piece could use more of that.
I found this bit confusing. Generally, a reality that's nothing but lies is a bad thing. I think you mean he wishes his harsh reality was not real and he could wake up to something better. I'd reword this to make it clear what you're trying to say. Also, if the rhyming is dictating your word choice, I'd try seeing if free verse works better.
I don't think it's bad to bring this damning angle into it, but I think it could be stronger. I might, for example, discuss another boy who throws a hissy fit over not getting an iPhone for his birthday. Don't tell me most people are self-centered, but rather show me their petty problems, them turning off the TV when those charity ads come on...
Speaking of charity ads, please cut the last stanza. It just sounds like those ads we all ignore. It doesn't endear me to the cause, rather it turns me off. If you strengthen the rest of this piece, the direct plea isn't necessary. I'll immediately feel convicted and want to do something.
Overall, I think this piece is an improvement on other works of yours I've seen since it's more focused and has some cool imagery. However, there's still some cheesiness and vagueness that could be improved or cut out. Keep writing!