a drinking glass
The glass was blurry,
so my vision was hazy.
I once saw his beauty,
now all I see is ugly.
the rain outside
Great storms used to clash,
our passion pressed on.
Now a simple drizzle remains,
as we kissed and made love.
a shower head
Behind a brook of blue curtains,
holy water dripped down
cleansing me from his icy fjord.
Mediocre pleasure was always cold.
the beach tides
His skin was once soft silk.
Now it's coarse like sandy shores.
His eyes were cobalt crystal coves.
Now they’re dulled from weathering waves.
a freshwater drought
Our life was drifting softly,
on a slumbering shallow river.
I longed for rampant rapids,
that my spouse no longer had.
the droplet joined
Countless streams joined the loch of my life,
yet a single drop was what I saw.
This new man’s drink offered rapture and renewal.
His waters were warm from the sun of his youth.
the god of water
He blushed like the sunset on a secluded strait.
I shuddered as I quenched my thirst.
He seduced me with a sea of giving sapphires
and I took and took and took.
the beach tides
The tides crashed as we caressed,
as they once did with my spouse.
His bays bewitched me with bliss,
as I guzzled his gulfs down.
the shower head
My hands washed off my new love’s scent,
yet he remained imprinted on my heart.
I felt pure and pristine from his perfection,
yet I polluted my pools with a deadly sin.
the rain outside
I discovered this oasis was a mere mirage,
as the music of reality rained down.
For my spouse with a drying and dying spring,
waited for me at the home we built together.
a drinking glass
He spilled the contents of his faded glass,
and emptied his eyes from the reservoir of rage.
He handed me a raft so I wouldn’t drown to death.
It was made of papers to sign and a broken ring.
I fear it’s time for our waters to part ways.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Hello! Wanderer here with a quick review
The symmetry of this poem is incredibly clever, and the use of water as fluid movement to tell the story in pieces is super well done!! The story it tells is a common one, but told in a completely different way than I've ever seen before. Your use of water as a consistent symbol throughout the story is super clever! I only have one critique, which is this line:
I don't know if it's just me, but this line doesn't fit at all with the mood of the rest of the poem, and it disrupts the flow. Also (I mean this in the nicest way possible) the phrasing is just kinda... gross. The rest of the poem is abstract enough that it focuses on the emotions behind the actions, and all of it is very poetic, but this line really broke me out of the flow because I had to take a moment and just... hmm. yeah. But also I'm ace, so that could be it lmao.
Overall, this poem was lovely and absolutely incredible for a five-minute work. Keep writing!!
Yeah that was my LEAST favorite line. I wanted to change it but my sister liked it for some reason, and said well ask your readers livy.
So I'm working on figuring out what to replace it with.
But I'm glad you liked the rest!
Wooow, this is incredibly well written.
there is indeed a third person who wakes the author's sleeping heart again (and passion of course).
Looking forward to read your next piece!
In the first four paragraphs you had me little confused whether there is a third person involved in this dying or burned out relationship; especially the lines
Holy water rained down behind the curtains.
Cleansing my body from the night before.
My body was tainted by his touch.
Demons came from mediocre pleasure.
This seems to be describing an affair but the adjective (mediocre) could be pointing to an encounter with a person the author is no longer in love with hence the mention of demons (feelings of guilt for not being true to yourself)?
Anyway reading further it is pretty clear (I hope I am not wrong
I really loved the part:
My hands washed off his scent.
Yet, he remained imprinted in my heart.
Cleansed did I feel,
yet I still remained dirty.
It shows the inner conflict between acting on one's instincts (or heart) and knowing it's not a correct thing to do (being commited to someone else).
And the last verse (a drinking glass) is pure genius. It makes me wonder what the "lake" he emptied his eyes from means, probably love? The previous "His eyes were once blue crystal lakes, now dulled from the weathering waves" makes me think so, but then the next line "He handed me a raft so I wouldn’t drown" leads me to think it's an anger/rage probably?
Or maybe it's neither, it's what I love about poetry.
Anyway to sum it up, I truly enjoyed your poem, although I usually like more clear rhyme structure, here it did not bother me at all and your water allegory is just brilliant in my humble opinion.
Thank you!
This was a cute poem to read.I believe it’s about love dying down and the time to part ways.It’s when old love dies down and it isn’t love anymore.It’s best to part ways,like the ocean.It’s for the greater good,after all.It’s all for a reason,this parting.I have enjoyed reading your poem.I hope that you will have an amazing and a lovely day and night.
Hello!
This was a really interesting poem. I really like the consistency of the water imagery throughout, like a river tying everything together. I also liked the consistent form that drove the poem forward. It created a really special rhythm and thrum underneath that made this memorable! I also think you had some really great moments of imagery. I like how you grounded the poem in sensory details. I can picture looking at someone through a glass. I know what it is like to take a shower, I've seen rivers and oceans and sand. This made it really easy to connect to the poem.
I kind of wish there was a more cohesive/direct narrative. I got lost in what was happening now versus before. I think it would be helpful to take a look at all of your tenses to make sure things line up. For example, "Now a simple drizzle remained" - If this is happening "Now" then wouldn't it be in the present tense, so "a simple drizzle remains"?
There were also a lot of times where I think I got lost in the metaphor, or things seemed a bit cliche or overdramatic or plain didn't make sense.
"Streams joined the river of my office," Where did this office come from? Why is there a river in an office?
"Demons came from mediocre pleasure." This feels overdramatic/cliche. Why are there demons here? "Pain" I feel would make more sense, but overall it doesn't excite me as a line. I have some of the same problems with "I moaned from his ambrosial touch." It feels overwrought.
You know what does excite me as a line?
"He spilled the contents of the glass,
Emptied his eyes from the lake."
That's excellent. I love those lines!
One question, were you wanting the poem to sorta be mirrored? I noticed that you start and end with the drinking glass, and the second and penultimate sections are the rain outside, and then there's the showerhead. So I'm wondering why the god of water and the beach tides don't match. The middle one, the drop joined, is a beautiful thing to have as a centerpiece!
Anyway, I hope this was helpful! Play around with your lines and see if they're all pulling equal weight. Try to surprise the reader by not using the same tired cliches. Water is refreshing, try to make your poem that way too.
~Rook
Yeah... I was worried about it being to vague with the metaphor. It was supposed to emulate a marriage deteriorating (as the narrator wife had an affair, so that's what the office meant. I'm going to look it over to make it better.)
Is it worth a like though? I think it's pretty bad, but I'm really grateful for the feedback.
Hey aooborromeo,
I hope this review reaches you well.
So first off, this was a really nice poem. I liked the length of it, not too lengthy and not too short. It told a really intricate and intimate story between two people, one of them being the narrator.
I will go through this stanza by stanza.
I noticed how the first three lines are in past tense, then the last line brings us into the present. The glass is used as a metaphor for the other person, which I thought was clever. Then at the last line the narrator gives us her final thoughts of him.
So this stanza gives us some more information about the “whos” of this story. We now know that the two people are in a relationship. Though after that I am at a loss, is the storms referring to them fighting, and how their passion continued despite that? Also the last line confused me the most, what was the meaning behind that?
This stanza definitely gave me a darker look into their relationship. It gives me the idea that the other partner is manipulative and very hurtful.
This stanza was powerful, especially with the past and present tense. To her in the past he was the picture of perfection, but now she sees him in a different light. He seems tainted and tarnished to me.
This stanza gave me the idea that maybe the narrator wants to believe him as cleansed and new. A hope beyond a hope.
I’m loving the constant references to water, it keeps the entire poem connected. The content of the stanza, yet again left me a little confused. Though, I do think that maybe it’s about him giving the narrator his love?
Okay, this one hit hard, the narrator is trying to cleanse themselves once again from his touch. But he remains in their heart as a constant reminder of their regrets and scars. No matter how hard they tried, they remained as they were, tarnished by his love.
This stanza gave me a sense of regret and pain. It feels as if the narrator didn’t want to leave him, but knew that she had to. I believe a third character was introduced in the second last line?
I believe that this new character is the narrator's hope and helping hand in getting themselves out of this situation. Also I think that papers, refers to divorce papers maybe? I loved the last line! It was a final ultimatum in their thought process. It’s like they are saying, No, this has to end and there is no going back.
The bolded lines at the beginning of each new stanza was a bit weird. It’s something I’ve never seen before and it was really cool. However it did break up the poem quite a bit, it stopped the poem from flowing freely. I think there could be a better way of incorporating them into the poem somehow, or maybe just eradicating them entirely.
Overall I really loved this poem! It’s story-like narrative and many metaphors and imagery kept me engaged throughout. I hope my review was helpful, if you have any questions feel free to ask. Keep on writing and have a great rest of your day!
- Stellarjay.
Hi Stellarjay! Well the second stanza was the one that worried me the most, it purposely was supposed to be open for interpretation as to what the storm was (my sister that it was their passion in their relationship, but at first it was intending to be a metaphor for making love and that it's not satisfying which can be part of the reason a relationship dulls.
The whole middle stanzas (drop and god of water) were supposed to refer to her having an affair though (god of water and fountain of youth was the affair guy), and yes the papers are divorce papers.
I love your review though!
Oh! Okay, that makes so much more sense! I read through it again with that context in mind and it reads a lot better. It's so good! <3
Oh and the quotes for some of stanzas are off because I made some changes right before this review, so you can re-read this poem too it might make things different