Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Falling in love with Marry

Once upon a time I knew a girl named Marry. She was a dangerous psychopath, I met her at the hospital, I fell in love with her. She had long golden hair and through her eyes I could see the whole world, or so it seemed. I used to watch her from fare away and dream about her gentle touches… she seamed like perfect being to me. One time I approached her to get to know her better and she jumped and hit me, she beaten me up with fire extinguisher… I was so messed up I ended in hospital, after two painful day I died because of my injuries and Marry spent the rest of her life in looniehouse tied to the bed…

Thanks for sharing. The story is about a person who falls in love with psychopath who kills him or her. So it is either being told postmortem or else the speaker is insane or delusional. Which one it is never revealed. You don't use Mary nor Marie. Instead you use "Marry" which is a verb as opposed to a noun. Made me suspect that you really meant Marie.

You use a fairy-tail type of introduction "Once upon a time...." As a reader that tells me that this is fiction and that it should be taken as fiction in the fantasy realm.

The next thing that I notice is that all potential drama or mystery is removed by telling me that the person is a psychopath. This is accompanied by a run-on sentence. The rest of the story kept making me pause via the grammar mistakes. It came across as if English is not the native tongue of the writer.

Suggestions:

"....psychopath[."
"....hospital[.]

from [far] away

"[S]he [seemed] like...."

"[A]fter two painful [days]...."

....tied to the bed[.]

"....two painful [days]...."

"....[S]he [beat] me up...."

Hi there antoanslavik and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to review this piece.

Overall, this could be an interesting story, but it feels more like an outline than anything else. As previous reviewers have stated, it definitely tells more than it shows. I don't get much of the setting and the sheer brevity of the piece makes the plot confusing. Chiefly, it's unclear to me whether the MC and Marry had any actual relationship or whether it was an infatuation all in his head. I would like to see their relationship develop more. Do they talk at all? Is there any other sort of interaction?

Also, I'm going to speak from experience here to say your portrayal of mental illness and hospitals is way off base here. Most people with mental illness aren't violent, even those in the hospital. And I guarantee you that if a patient did get violent, she would be shut down by the staff way before anyone suffered any fatal injuries. Also, I doubt the fire extinguisher is that easily accessible in a psych ward. And even if this somehow happened, the likelihood of her being institutionalized for life is very low...the legal definition of "insane" is very high so she'd probably end up in jail. If you were going to expand on this story, I'd do some serious research on mental illness and hospitals to make the setting more realistic and interesting.

Overall, this story has the potential to be compelling but it's far too brief and unrealistic to be there right now. In future writing, think about your setting and add detail to the character's interactions. Keep writing!

ok now this is a short enough piece for a late-night review

Hey, I'm outvaders and I'm dropping by for a short review for this equally short story. It seems like you're new here, so I'll assume and say it first: Welcome to YoungWritersSociety.

You've taken the first step to becoming the next (insert your favorite writer here). Hopefully you'll like your stay here.

Anyways, moving on to the review proper.

-I'm observing that there are a few errors in the piece.

Wrong capitalization, (beginning of 5th sentence)
a misspelled word there, (from "fare" away?)
some grammatical mistakes (she "beaten" me up).

I have a feeling English might not be your first language, but please do put some more effort into proofreading, spellchecking, and researching. It shouldn't be too hard to do. Some people may say it's not big deal, but the first step to good writing in English is learning the rules of the English language.

-What I believe to be the golden rule of creative writing is not followed in most of this short story.

"Show, not tell." This is for me the most important rule of creative writing. Unfortunately, the short story tells for the most part.

Instead of telling the reader that she had long golden hair, why not tell them that she had for hair, long streaks of sunlight or something like that? It makes the reader imagine, it keeps their mind active, and it helps your reader see in their minds exactly what is happening in the story.

-It's pretty lacking overall.

You got the outline of the story good, but it's so short and terse and un-detailed. Imagine what is happening in your story, and try adding more details to make the story a lot more vivid and fun to read.

Anyways, that's it for today. Thanks for reading this review, and thanks for gracing this site with a little more short story content. Hopefully I can see your works again, but until then, just keep on writing.

-vaders

Hello there! Eli here~

Well, that was pretty fast and tensed up to be honest. I do not mind it though. Somehow it all makes sense the way it is. It does not seem like it needs to be that long of a story, streching and explaining one simple love. The idea is simple, falling in love with someone who maybe is not good for you and suffering because of it. Though we can never tell if she loved you back or not, maybe she did? But she could not let herself fall for you because of her condition. It sounds like a good twist to the story. Why not?

Some small mistakes can be noticed in the work but it is just a word or two, one letter or whatsnot which is not such a problem. I still am not sure about the dots in the end though. You make it seem like there is more to it. The beginning is very straightforward, you do not explain much and just inform us about what is going on. Not really imaginative. You hit us with the facts.

You use /I/ and /she/ a lots but maybe it can not be helped as it is a short story and there are only two characters, you and her. I still wished you could twist the sentences a bit to make it better.

I used to watch her from far away and dream about her gentle touches… she seemed like the perfect being to me.

Have a great day ~