Lonely night once again
hours pass before I know
lonely night is all around me
I can't just let it go
I destroyed a loving dream
before even she could tell
I destroyed her loving dream
only deeper I will fell
Love's escaping once more
don't deserve anything
love's escaping into doom
where I'm not a king
Everything seems so empty
even not my sweetest wife
everything is so passed
I should try to end my life
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hello, Steggy here for a review!
What I like about this poem is how the theme is played out. When I'm reading this, I imagine a newly married couple and the husband really enjoying the marriage. Or, it could be that the wife left the husband because he had some problem with drinking or something. It is one of those realistic poems that I adore reading time to time. Another thing I like would be the rhyming. It gets the meaning across quite well when I read it. Though I said I do like the rhyming, in some places, it felt a bit forced.
In the middle stanzas, where you have "tell" and "fell" rhyming, "fell" doesn't exactly go with the following words "only deep I will fell". I feel like a better word for "fell" could be "fall" but you used "fell" to match the rhyming scheme. A simple suggestion I have for you would be reading the poem aloud, that way you can edit easier.
Another thing I like to point out is there isn't any punctuation. Though there are some poems that do not need it, I feel this one might. It gives some form of emotion when the reading is reading it. Also, there are times where you need punctuation to show where the stanza or where it will begin. An example would be:
I feel like a semicolon or comma should be in there because "don't deserve anything" doesn't exactly match with "love's escaping one more".
Overall this was a nice poem to read. As the reviewer said below me, most of the lines in this poem have a nice meaning while others don't. A poem should have some form of theme within all the lines.
If you have any questions, let me know!
Steggy
You're right but what can I say other then I'm not perfect, and I tried... Thanks for advice I will surely use it
You're right but what can I say other then I'm not perfect, and I tried... Thanks for advice I will surely use it
Heya, came to review this piece of work because the title had me interested (good work choosing it).
I think your first four lines worked really well. They made me want to keep reading, and the rhythm was nice. However, I think that using more punctuation would help the poem along here.
After the line 'I destroyed a loving dream', the rhythm begins to get a little inconsistent. I didn't feel as much of an emotional connection as I would have liked, and especially in the last four lines, it lost a sense of sincerity. I think it would work better if you went into detail about why this night is lonely, and why everything's so empty.
The line:
"even not my sweetest wife"
sounds a bit forced to me. It sounds like you put it there just for the sake of rhyming. That may be just me, but that's how it came across.
I do think you have a good base for a poem, but I think you just need to develop it a little more. Look at the rhythm, the punctuation, the capitals, and add a bit more feeling into it. I also forgot to mention that you managed to get quite a lot of meaning into so few lines, so well done for that.
I think with a little more work this could be a really excellent piece, so keep writing!
You're right it isn't my best work, but life is shitty so why should my poems be any different... tnx for advice