1. Who Am I?

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This seems like a pretty neat premise here, I don't actively soo too much of a particularly attention grabby plot but I somehow don't mind that and still want to read more here....because it just seems like a really interesting character here with some strong ideals that she sticks to no matter what.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Hi! Uhm... I didn’t know how to start this. I mean, I’ve read all those historical ‘Dear Diaries’ and I know how they started, but beginning a journal of a seventeen year old grownup with

‘ I woke up at eight in the morning, then I brushed my teeth and then...’ Just didn’t seem right.

It could be only me I guess. But anyway, I woke up late again, and I have to rush now. Argh! The person who created schools must be an illiterate. His ideas are a constant source of distress to so many people. I wouldn’t expect that behavior from anyone who actually went to school. Hmm... I’m ranting about schools again- well, it’s the first time with you anyway. So that’s okay. See ya after my visit to the bathroom and the mirror,yes, I’ll need the mirror-

Swollen eyes. Again.

Kinda expected it but I still hoped they wouldn’t be there. Not my eyes, the swollenness. That reminds me of my name and I just realised I haven’t introduced myself. Huh!

So Hi everyone( again- please bear with me!) I am Aashi- a name that means ‘smile’ and yet the owner of it is far from that. Even without my mentioning it, you would’ve noticed anyway.

Talking about which, it seems like I’ll have to wear sunglasses to school again!

*After that, she eats her breakfast as silently as she can, and her mother drives her off to school. She probably didn’t say about that because there’s nothing special. By the way the asterisks are meant for the narrator’s lines. *

“ Hi Anvi!”, “Hi Dhruv!” , Hi blah blah blah... the morning greetings for everybody excluding me and a bunch of other students. Life isn’t fair, you know! And my day starts off with the daily question from our class teacher- ‘Sunglasses again?’

I might’ve forgotten to mention, sunglasses are not allowed in school, by the rules. Who follows them anyway? Bullying is also supposed to be prohibited and I see that happening with a couple of kids. It’s pathetic to watch them do what they’re asked to. I’m glad I’m not one of them. I hate to admit it but some people in this world really seem to think I matter. Ha! That doesn’t change anything though, does it? It definitely doesn’t change my feelings towards the world.

Do you want to hear those out? So here you go- I think the world is a crappy place, full of mean people. I love nature and earth though, just not it’s inhabitants. Everyone is selfish- it's unfair if you want me to like them. They’re despicable – all of them. My friends- who just remember me at THEIR birthdays and ya of course, when they have work, my family even- who want me to change my personality cause they think I can’t survive long with the one I already have( you might agree with them, but I don’t, and really how does my survival matter to them at all? Doesn't seem like they’ll be bothered to even pay their respects on my death) and I also don’t like those strangers- who think it’s their 24/7 job to criticize and condemn ever passerby. One time I was just learning to ride a yulu bike when one of them shouted out “ Do you even know how to ride a bicycle? Ha! What do these kids think they are these times? “

Nosy people, we’ve got a whole species of them in our colony. They’ll see a person doing what they don’t do, and the comment is ready on their judgemental tongues. All day along- well, atleast they’re doing what they like!

That was sarcastic if you didn’t get it.

“Aashi!” came the teacher’s call. “ Can you tell what I was saying right now? “

Ah! Which subject were we having? Chemistry! How am I supposed to know what she was saying ? She teaches the wall not the children, all of us study in our tuition centres!

See, it’s not that I don’t like studying- but school’s just not my thing. And neither are the teachers. And so more than half of the time- I'm thinking! About weird stuff, ordinary stuff, - just everything. I’m thinking and thinking and overthinking. ‘Cause I’ve got nothing else to do in this class. Or the others for that matter. And that might’ve led me to be cynical- as people say, or to be just me- as I do.

And they tell me what others say doesn’t matter- so that means I’m just being myself, right? People are very funny though, aren’t they? They'll constantly tell you to not listen to what others are saying if it’s doing you harm. They’re also doing me harm by saying that though. I can’t count the no. of times I’ve been scolded by my parents for not listening to their harmful talks. But the scoldings do me more harm than the following orders do- so I just have to keep going like this.

Being the obedient kid that I never was. Showing my fake personality just to fit in. What other option do I have? They say my real personality isn’t worth showing. And you know who ‘they’ are, the family that never tried to understand my real personality. The family that’s mine just by blood- not by emotions or bonding. Simply because, they don’t have the former and are not interested in the latter. The real family I have , are the trees and rain.

I love them both and they love me back. Trees- because they taught me a lot. How you should be strong from the core to tolerate any kind of devastating situation, how you can keep growing, how your experience widens as you grow and also how people can’t mold you however much they try. Trees have got thick trunks, no? And I also love rain. You know, when you’re sitting in the rain it just lets all your emotions flow. It doesn’t ask you to stop acting silly when you’re happy and dancing in the rain, wrenched. And it doesn’t tell you to stop crying when you’re sad. In fact, it starts crying with you, to keep you some nice company. And because of this amazing family that I have , I am grateful to god. But I do wish I could spend more time with them- alone than with my fake family. Who are so desperate to spend time with me, or rather, make me spend time with them that they have fixed times for looking at old pictures or debating about general things. Said otherwise, of digging out painful and terrible memories and separate time for nonsense and time-wasting talks. Oh god! Now I’ll have to go back to them after this school’s over. But hopefully, I’ll see my real family on the way.

Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review.

This story has a really strong and passionate voice. It does not give us any general idea about the plot yet, but I think it is based around this teenage girl and her everyday life. She seems to have a lot of angst in her but since this is only the first chapter we cannot judge because we don't know if her family is really that way or if it is just the way she perceives them. But like I said, she has a really strongly opiniated mind and I like how frank and open she is in her thoughts.

However, I had a little difficulty in understanding the style in which you have portrayed this story. At first, I thought we were reading her thoughts in a diary. But the story seemed to follow her through her day's routine, so I doubt that we are reading her diary. Maybe you could clear that up for the readers?

Also I agree with Mailice, you flit from one topic to another in a very short time. I guess, that is how the mind works. It is always working, always spinning thoughts that may not always match with each other. However, sometimes it feels like before a thought has blossomed properly, she has already jumped to another one. That makes it a little difficult for the reader to really understand her character. However, I notice that as the chapter progressed, her thoughts became more concise and clear, especially the part where she was explaining her relationship with nature. Maybe it is because nature is something that is really important to her, and that is why she is more passionate and expressive while talking about it. It is interesting the way you have incorporated this.

Now on to some other details I noticed:

Who created schools must be an illiterate.

Who created schools must be an illiterate.

And they what others say doesn’t matter

People are very funny though, aren’t they.

Simple because, they don’t have the former and are not interested in the latter.

Hi anne27,

Mailice here with a short review!

This was a unique story built within itself, probably mainly because of this narrative style, which at times leaves the reader - or at least me - with a question mark.

Let's start by saying that I like the story so far. I find the following of the narrator in her natural everyday life very exciting, as it is a very good way for the reader to become familiar with her. It helps immensely to develop a sympathy and also - based on the many elaborate explanations you have given - a good view of her character.

I think with the first chapter you have also given the reader the opportunity to read in, and also to familiarise themselves with your writing style. For example, I was convinced that the first line was more of an author's note than the actual beginning.

That's also, I found, a bit of a problem when reading. You change the subject and the point of view very quickly. This sometimes makes the reader feel like they are behind because they lose track. I think the idea behind it is good, so that you learn that the narrator is a far-thinking, critical person, but it also gives you the feeling that you have just fallen into a word salad, where each section deals with a different topic.

I would definitely try to get you to put in a better structure so you can keep treating this style. Because sometimes you have a reference that the narrator is aware that she is writing it down / telling it and someone is reading it. I would use this device to ask a question more often, directed at the reader, to address a certain issue that is not related to the actual progress of the plot.

I would also read over it again to eliminate the punctuation errors, as they are sometimes a bit more common in some sections. Also as a small tip; I wouldn't just leave the title at Chapter 1, but maybe add a title, otherwise the story gets lost quite quickly.

Otherwise, I liked the story. I liked Aashi and how you portrayed her and how the story developed. If you can manage to write the structure a little better, I think it can also be a very interesting story.

Have fun writing!

Mailice