z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Your comments

by angelinamar


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

Your comments make me feel like itchy like sand paper 

Your comments make me feel uncomfortable

Your comments make me feel like I'm worthless and unworthy of your presence

Why do you make me feel the way you do? 

Am I just a maid to you?

"Do the dishes Lina" 

"Take out the trash Lina"

"Clean the restroom Lina"

" Take care of your brother and sister Lina" 

Lina do this, do that 

SHUT THE HELL UP 

You have no place to tell me to do anything 

All you do is sit on your ass expecting things

That's not how things work 

I'm done with your shit 

Goodbye Pablo 


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
270 Reviews

Points: 18727
Reviews: 270

Donate
Sun Jun 09, 2024 5:57 pm
EllieMae wrote a review...



Image

Hey friend! Ellie here with a review. I noticed some connection to other stuff you have written. If I am correct, Pablo is your mother's boyfriend/your third dad you have had. I thought I would leave some thoughts on this piece, so let's get right into it!

You open with some very strong lines:

Your comments make me feel like itchy like sand paper

Your comments make me feel uncomfortable

Your comments make me feel like I'm worthless and unworthy of your presence


I love the example you use of sandpaper. The feeling of it is itchy, like this irritation that can be very bothersome, when you scratch it gently. But as it begins to scratch you harder, it can even break your skin and cause more damage. It feels like there is a lot of built up anger towards Pablo.

Am I just a maid to you?

"Do the dishes Lina"

"Take out the trash Lina"

"Clean the restroom Lina"

" Take care of your brother and sister Lina"

Lina do this, do that

SHUT THE HELL UP


We see a lot of frustration here. He is commanding you to do a lot of things. Perhaps you feel like he is not contributing, which leaves you having to do it all yourself. Seeing others not help can be infuriating! And at the end, you tell him to just shut up. Wow, he must really be bothering you and I am sorry you are experiencing so much anger.

At the end, you mention how he just sits around while you have to do everything. This piece fell like it was written at a time when you are overwhelmed, perhaps he had said something to you right before. I would love to see a more recent piece, to see how your feelings for Pablo have changed or stayed the same. Either way, thanks for sharing your feelings thought writing and thanks for being here on YWS :D

Your friend,
Ellie

Image




User avatar
240 Reviews

Points: 16328
Reviews: 240

Donate
Fri Apr 05, 2024 9:33 am
AkuRashomon wrote a review...



Hello, @angelinamar! I am AkuRashomon. I love the edgy and angst in this piece, and the fact that I am listening to rock while reading this is a vibe! It feels like a freestyle of a poem to me though. Now to the review!

Your comments make me feel like itchy like sand paper

Your comments make me feel uncomfortable

Your comments make me feel like I'm worthless and unworthy of your presence


This is a good start; it tells what you are trying to express and it is very direct to the point. I love the similes and the metaphors too! It is good that the second line makes me feel uncomfortable too because I have felt this feeling before. But I do have a suggestion, can you try to add punctuation marks. So when your readers read it, there is more feeling with the pauses and all.

Why do you make me feel the way you do?

Am I just a maid to you?


This part seems lyrical to me especially with the fact that the lines rhyme. This has a lot of potential but it needs a little more lines to not confuse your reader. From my understanding, I think the narrator is mad, sad, or has a negative feeling toward a person who treats the narrator like trash.

"Do the dishes Lina"

"Take out the trash Lina"

"Clean the restroom Lina"

" Take care of your brother and sister Lina"

Lina do this, do that


These lines need punctuation marks again to enhance the piece and to make people read it properly. You seem to quote the person that the narrator feels negative feelings to. This means to me that Lina, the narrator hates commands and demands by Pablo, who is the person Lina is talking about. This does also seem to me that Pablo might be someone close to tell her to do chores and take care of her siblings. Is Pablo perhaps a family relative to Lina?

SHUT THE HELL UP

You have no place to tell me to do anything

All you do is sit on your ass expecting things

That's not how things work

I'm done with your shit

Goodbye Pablo


Ohh, I love how you emphasized on "SHUT THE HELL UP". To emphasize it more (suggestion), you can add an exclamation point (!) that the end. With these lines, Pablo is a lazy person that seems to be treating Lina like a slave, or like what you said earlier a maid.

Over all, I love it! It just needs a little polishing for it to be better. It is good but tweaking a little bit of it will make it better. I hope this helps! Thank you for sharing such a masterpiece^^





Have a biscuit, Potter.
— Professor McGonagall