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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Please correct me if I'm wrong again...This poem is about a girl who likes living where she is, but she's had feelings for a boy with serious wanderlust, and she's trying to work up the courage to tell him she just wants to put down "roots." This poem feels like a very beautifully written diary entry, where the speaker's putting her thoughts together. I found the line" he was pretending he didn't miss home, didn't miss me" interesting. It sounds as if the boy might return home again. This poem was wonderful, but as I mentioned, it almost feels like prose, if that was your intention.
Your writing skills really shine in all of your works (every time I see them)^^
Hello Alliyah
This is an amazing story. It describes how the person is feeling and how they like to follow the map that's written in front of them and not take there own way. 😁😁
A few things that you could work on though, watch your capitalisation and your punctuation it can get confusing sometimes if you miss a comma, e.g. Come eat, mum- Come eat mum.
Horselover1001
Hi thanks for your review - could you let me know which specific line or area got confusing with a lack of punctuation - this is purposefully written as a run-on because it's my poetic preference to avoid end punctuation as much as possible & in this I liked the effect of some clauses being blurred as far as what train of thought they belonged to, since the content itself moves quickly between loosely connected themes which is also referenced internally in the poem with the line sbout having difficulty differentiating between sand & root etc.
Thanks,
alliyah
This is a fascinating work. I like how you've expressed your wandering thoughts, your candid hopes and fears. You've shown how hope and fear, love and hurt can be so strongly intertwined.
I'd suggest paying attention to capitalization and punctuation. The whole thing kind of goes on as one unending sentence and so it's a bit confusing. The lines between thoughts are blurred. You've gotten your hands on some fascinating concepts, though. Keep up the writing!
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed! I definitely meant for some of the content to be a bit double-minded, but I think in some places that sacrifices the meaning. I'm considering breaking the poem into stanzas or parts which might be able to help with the thoughts getting blurred together. Thanks again!