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E - Everyone

where will you stay, where will you make your home

by alliyah



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Points: 137
Reviews: 3

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Wed Oct 16, 2019 8:04 am
Horselover1001 wrote a review...



Hello Alliyah

This is an amazing story. It describes how the person is feeling and how they like to follow the map that's written in front of them and not take there own way. 😁😁

A few things that you could work on though, watch your capitalisation and your punctuation it can get confusing sometimes if you miss a comma, e.g. Come eat, mum- Come eat mum.

Horselover1001




alliyah says...


Hi thanks for your review - could you let me know which specific line or area got confusing with a lack of punctuation - this is purposefully written as a run-on because it's my poetic preference to avoid end punctuation as much as possible & in this I liked the effect of some clauses being blurred as far as what train of thought they belonged to, since the content itself moves quickly between loosely connected themes which is also referenced internally in the poem with the line sbout having difficulty differentiating between sand & root etc.

Thanks,
alliyah



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78 Reviews


Points: 4262
Reviews: 78

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Tue Oct 15, 2019 9:52 pm
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WinnyWriter wrote a review...



This is a fascinating work. I like how you've expressed your wandering thoughts, your candid hopes and fears. You've shown how hope and fear, love and hurt can be so strongly intertwined.

I'd suggest paying attention to capitalization and punctuation. The whole thing kind of goes on as one unending sentence and so it's a bit confusing. The lines between thoughts are blurred. You've gotten your hands on some fascinating concepts, though. Keep up the writing! :)




alliyah says...


Thank you! Glad you enjoyed! I definitely meant for some of the content to be a bit double-minded, but I think in some places that sacrifices the meaning. I'm considering breaking the poem into stanzas or parts which might be able to help with the thoughts getting blurred together. Thanks again!




Perfection is lots of little things done well.
— Marco Pierre White