1. i have never lived a year without snowstorms. so my only reference point for seasons changing here is the sun, and i’ve become an insomniac waiting for spring. i’m still waiting, but have lost sense of whether any time has passed, or if people are only pretending to sleep. i’m still waiting,
2. it rains so much here, and i have yet to buy rain boots. i’ve found a wispy edge of a family tree that says my great grandparents were native Appalachians; two buckets from the stream every morning, one to wash, one to cook. i keep wondering if i tried to cross the mountains back to my home, if i could find that stream, if i made it there perhaps some sense of natal homing would let me swim from there back to the river across the plains. surely i couldn’t drown,
3. there’s something very enclosing about living inside mountains, or between, or in valleys, or whatever else they call these land-forms. i am trapped. suffocated, my lungs have not forgotten what the sky ought to look like; unending, unbounded as the heavens, as God intended the sky to reign. it’s fine here, but i haven’t gotten used to driving through the fog,
4. i think there’s an edge to my voice i can’t hear myself, like when something’s been written across your shoulders. you can feel them wondering where you came from, but i have a hard time explaining how the stars are brighter where i’m from or why i’m not interested in changing the subtle inflection to my syllables that remind them i’m not home here. they’d know it even if i never spoke,
5. i keep remembering the summer we forgot to plant our garden, and how the onions came up anyways, reckless, vegetation demanding its way, absolutely unhindered by being unplanted. if i could only sleep perhaps the earth would reclaim me, pull back these stretched out roots, prop me up from the soil, let me see the sky again.
Author's Note: This is a prose poem, a type of poem purposely written in prose form and not intended to be broken into verse lines. The capitalization is also intentional. Thanks!
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Alliyah! <3
Prose-poetry is always tricky in that what to keep, what to not keep vein. So, that said: you have this really great rhythm in most of this, but it falls off in a couple spots. For instance, 5 is just almost perfect to my ear rhythmically - it just works, both your word choice and punctuation. I'll contrast that with your first couple lines in 1, which feel jerky and unnatural to read, and it's all due to starting the second sentence (line? piece? thing? ugh) with "so." It's a connector, and while you absolutely can use it to start anything, it following a period is jerky - I want to read it smoothly, and if that jerky sense is what you were going for, then you're good. If not, though, I'd look at your wording again there, though all I'd do is take it out, since the line then reads nicely.
I love 4. Just. yes. Also I love "unhindered by being unplanted" possibly more than I should, but it's just such an image, and so totally how gardens seem to work sometimes.
On 5, there is something slightly off about the pacing in the first sentence, but I think it's more because it reads like a run-on sentence than the rest? I mean, it absolutely works, but it's a stumbling point. I think it's the comma between "way" and "absolutely" - I'm having trouble thinking my way around the grammar of it, but I've been messing with removing the comma or removing "absolutely" in my head, and I think one of those options may read better.
Lovely stuff, as always
Hello alliyah, I've come to rescue this lovely prose poem of yours out of the GR, and to scatter my two cents. Nostalgia is our guest of honour here in the poem, I think you've done a great job of provoking that sentiment through the five segments in this prose poem. Let's take a look at them separately and then altogether.
I think this would flow a bit better if you added a determiner before 'season'. There is nothing grammartically wrong with saying seasons changing, but I stumbled over the sentence a little bit and had to do a double take. I think adding the determiner before it just helps the flow a little bit. Secondly, there is a bit of conflict between the imageries. The narrator has never lived a year without snowstorms, meaning they're in a cold climate and yearns for it. So, why are they waiting for spring if they're acclimated to snowstorms?The first one is a good opener, it tells the reader where the narrator comes from and where they are now. I think there are some words you can shuffle around here for a smoother flow.
I like the second segment, especially the first line.
This, so simple yet so effective. This aching longing is conveyed so well. But I'm not going to lie, having to look up what Appalachian was detracted from the reading experience a little bit. I don't know if there was a specific cultural or personal reason for using that, if you did. I think you could perhaps include some description or hints as to what it is so the reader doesn't get lost or confused by it. Furthermore, I think you could also elaborate on the culture of the Appalachians with a bit more explicity. You've already done this through the geographical imagery and the lifestyle, but it feels odd to have such an unique point within that segment and not elaobrate more on it. Conversely, it might be better if you replaced Appalachian with something else to save you the trouble. I also found it a bit disorientating you jumped from cooking, general daily life, to suddenly drowning. Personally, I think the segment works better together as a whole without that last sentence. Simply because there weren't any allusions to suffocation or drowning related imagery in this segment. Maybe, if you switched 2 and 3 around it might work a bit better since you would already have the feeling of being trapped and suffocated in the third segment.
I love 4. It's my favourite, not changing your old dialect to this new one is probably one of the strongest signposts of being homesick as well as the inability or disinterest in doing so. And that last sentence, what a banger, straight in the guts.
And I'm afraid I don't have much to say for 5 either. The only thing I'd critique on is this fragment.
You've got two of the prefix -un in the same fragment, which leads to a bit of phonetic clutter. I don't know unplanted is the right word here either, since I'm assuming the onions must have been planted at some point but they've shot up without that cultured cultivation we associate with gardening. Personally, I think 'unhindered' on its own is powerful enough. Less is more as they say. Otherwise, you could fiddle around with the idea of unplanted and wilderness being wild. I'm sure you'll come up with something wonderful. Another small nitpick, is the last line.
Considering you've opened with summer, and whilst there has been some allusion of being underground and in the dark. I don't know how apt or connected the sky is with this whole segment. Personally, I think sun might have worked a bit better since summer and sun usually go hand in hand. Additionally, the notion of stretched out roots, and propping up from the soil all allude to a plant seeking for new life, new energy from under the sun.
Overall, I still really enjoyed this prose poem. All the suggestions I have made are minor nitpicks that might potentially help to achieve a greater cohesiveness within the segments and overall. But take it with a grain of salt. As always, I hope what I've said is helpful in some way. And if you have any questions or comments, feel free to message me.
Keep writing <3
~apri
Thanks so much for this insightful and thorough review Apricity! I so appreciate it!!
I think on the snow thing -> I was imagining a person who counts times by snowstorms, would be disoriented / unready for spring if a year passed without any snowstorms. But I can see where that wouldn't necessarily translate logically especially with the insomnia interlude, I'll take a second look to see what I can do there.
The Appalachian mountains are a pretty big cultural / land-form phenomenon where I currently live, but not so much where I'm from -> so when I was doing some recent genealogy research and realized "shoot, this place that I'm having a hard time adjusting to is actually kind of where my ancestors lived" it really hit me. I think there's definitely a sort of irony there, that I might try exploring in another poem actually.
Your interpretation and phrasing notes are all helpful (particularity on the imagery continuity between stanzas) , and I'll definitely be considering them when I get to editing.
Thanks again!
I really like this! the poem is broken up in a way that makes sense and the parts all connect in a nice way. I like the use of commas and lowercase letters. it really creates a sense of casual conversation. Let's take this one at a time.
1. This has a really interesting feel, I can sense the emotion, almost like a cross between melancholy and frustration. I particularly like the phrase "i’ve become an insomniac waiting for spring" I think it captures the theme of the paragraph very well.
2. this one has a much calmer feel, while still retaining that soft sad feel. This paragraph really nails home that sad homesick feeling.
3: I like the artistic part of this paragraph, you have it nicely, which seems to convey that feeling of claustrophobia that relates very well to the subject of the paragraph
4:this paragraph is different than the ones before it, focusing less on the place, and more on the emotions. I note a particular lack of periods in this paragraph. this is an odd choice but one fitting to the tone of the work. it helps create a feeling of floating wistfulness.
5: this one really rounds out the themes of the previous parts, tieing everything up in a lovely way. really cementing the themes of homesickness and yearning that are woven throughout the entire work.
overall, this is a truly beautiful piece that conveys emotion incredibly.
Jesse here to review, so I will hop in now.
The prose style is probably the best for this collection. I got that from the title and the unbroken lines. It felt like it came from real memories.
I can't find any problems, so i will talk about interest levels and things under that umbrella.
1. The last line was snipped and short, but it was intense and packed the effect on. The references to other seasons kept on wagon.
2. The backstory was regimenting and without it, this would just be the same. It's something that was kind of forced on though.
3. Religion was thrown in, but I'm not complaining. This was made in a form where it is acceptable.
4. Everything former was about outside topics and this was about the narrator. I like the switch.
5. As I said before, the switch. You referenced snow and longing for spring, so it went in a circle.
(I suck at poetry topics, so if this may be bunched up.)
Thanks,
Jesse.