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i swear i don't miss home

by alliyah



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39 Reviews


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Wed Oct 02, 2019 4:00 am
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Miraculor77 says...



I just wanted to say:
This poem hit me hard. As someone who had to move from one corner of America to the other, I felt this poem resonate with me. It's like you gave words to my emotions.

If that was your aim, you did a good job. :)

If this poem in any way reflects your life right now, you should know that wherever you are, you'll get used to it. It (meaning the feeling of longing and nostalgia) gets easier as time passes. I still have moments when I get a lump in my throat and want to cry for what I can't have, but they are infrequent and far between.

Well, that's all I have. :) Have a good day or night!

- Mira




alliyah says...


Ah I appreciate your comments Mira! I've had to move a lot recently for school, and each time I move a bit further away from home - this last time 16 hours away, so the poem definitely comes out of life at the moment. Glad you were able to connect to it, and thanks for you thoughts!



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Mon Sep 30, 2019 8:41 am
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StellaThomas wrote a review...



Hey alliyah!

This is a beautiful poem... sense of home and sense of place is something that has always been really important to me and a theme I see myself returning to all the time in my own work and my own favourite pieces... this is a really evocative piece. In a time of displacement like we live, I really feel like the theme of longing to return to a place that might no longer be available to you is a global phenomenon. Even though there are a couple of details - like the geese migrating north - that to me seem to ground the poem in North America, it feels like similar songs could be sung of Syria, or Venezuela, or Somalia. Specificity but with global appeal - that's what poetry should aim for ;)

I have a couple of points that I'd like to make:

- I like how each stanza ends with a single question. I figure this structure is important to you. But the run-on nature of the stanzas do make them a little tricky to read, I had to go over them a number of times to fully get their meanings. I mean, I'm a fan of punctuating however the heck you like, but I feel that you're doing yourself a little bit of a disservice with the many many clauses of each sentence here.

- the last line of the second stanza is your weakest by far. Everything else about the poem tells us that they are long miles away. Everything tells us they long for home. This line stating it so starkly is essentially losing your lyricism throughout the rest of the piece. It isn't doing much for you, it's weak and if you ask me it's weakening everything else.

Other than that, I really like it. I like the beginning with "honey" - it sets the pace, like a slow drip, your language is viscous and sticky and sweet. And I love your last line too, potentially my favourite of the whole thing.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

- Stella x




alliyah says...


Thanks for your advice Stella! And I'm glad the message resonated with you - I very much agree that the feeling of unrootedness & being displaced has a lot of relevance in the world right now. I changed up the line in the last line in the second stanza, and ended up ditching the third altogether to hopefully make the poem a bit more focused. Made a few punctuation additions too, to hopefully make it read a bit smoother. Thanks again! :)



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Sun Sep 29, 2019 4:54 am
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TobilloTheTinyTurtle wrote a review...



Hey!

Let me start off with...wow. It took me a moment to understand fully, but once I did, everything just hits so close to home. I love the imagery and the implications that everything about you just always returns to your home. And not just where you're currently residing, but your home. It was nice to see.
However, I couldn't understand the point of view in this one. The "Honey" in the beginning implies it's someone close to the main character, however the rest of it is formatted in a narrative or and overseer sort of way. And the four questions they asked, they feel so isolated. There's not much of a conclusion and they're unprompted when put underneath the title. Cruel, almost. Someone clearly distraught lies and claims they don't miss home. This person, who appears to be someone they know, then decides to interrogate them and make them miss home? And with no comfort to top it off and ease the burden.
However, I do appreciated how the stanzas relate to one another. While they don't exactly flow perfectly, they have strings connecting themselves. However, they all seem like stand-alones. With a few punctuation altercations, each stanza sounds like its own thought entirely that has loose connections to the others. And with this formatting and this message, I appreciate that.

From a TinyTurtle,

Toby




alliyah says...


Thanks so much! I made some changes with the punctuation to hopefully make it read a bit clearer and then some other overall edits. I wanted the "honey" to imply that the questioner was close with the person they're speaking to, if not just an inner voice. So it wasn't supposed to come across as an interrogation, but I totally see how that could be interpreted. I'm pretty conflicted with the title choice, because I don't think it adds clarity to that issue, but haven't come up with a better one yet. :)



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Sat Sep 28, 2019 10:06 pm
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TheBlueCat wrote a review...



Hey alliyah! =^-^= It 'twas high time for me to finally read your latest poem, so allow me to also review it!

It took me a couple read-throughs to finally understand what you were trying to say in this poem, but let me say, I understand now and it's beautiful <3

I think the main reason I had a hard time understanding it was the fact that you are using punctuation, but there were some places where it could have used some more in the line part, not just the end of the stanza. It kind of reminds me of when I first started writing poetry and never knew where to place the punctuation, resulting in a kind of choppy poem. Sorry if you already do/did this, but I've always been told to read it outloud, and to be honest, it really helps!

Anyways, I kinda like how you can read it differently if you read the title, or don't! It's kinda weird, but I forgot the title once I started reading and it made me think differently than when I went back and read the title before the work, it read a little differently. It just shows how important a title is!

I don't have much else to say, so just keep writing amazing poems so I can keep loving them <3
~Cat




alliyah says...


Thanks Cat, I appreciate your review - and took your suggestion to a bit more with the punctuation to hopefully make the lines and phrases flow a bit better logically. :) I'm curious how the title made you view the poem differently, since I'm sort of trying to think of a different title for the piece. The title currently I think can be interpreted as a bit sarcastic, which doesn't really fit the tone/mood I'm going for, as I'm hoping for it to be interpreted a bit more earnestly. Thanks again!




Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream.
— Mark Twain