You name is like a scar on my heart,
That won’t ever seem to heal.
Deadly and unresolved I wish it would vanish,
Though it is on my heart it won’t help me live my life.
Vanish from my memory,
Be gone from it all.
Never show your face,
For now I shall take my vengeance.
Taking my life away,
Shutting it all deep within my lonesome heart.
Now thus I can’t find for that you have taken away from me,
Till someday I can regain my pride
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141,404 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
Harro, Robin. ^-^
First off, I’d like to say I love the emotion in this. It’s so . . . . Real, to me.
Excellent opening.
Nitpicking a little, I’d say that there are a few grammar errors, and maybe think about revising the comma structure a tinny bit.
And the last think would probably be this:
I might think about revising the closing just a tiny bit to make it flow a little smoother.
Other than that, I love your style. You’ve got promise ^-^
Charade--- <3
I wanted to start off by saying that I like this piece, and I think it has a lot of potential.
But I can't find the emotion in it. To me, these aren't words from the heart, these are words from the brain. The emotion may be there, but it's clouded by concern with wording and poetic value.
You use a lot of words such a "like" or "seem" - words that aren't really solid, like you're trying to suggest something, or make an image, but aren't really sure how to go about it.
You also use "now" and "for" quite a bit (along with a few similar sorts of words), and they aren't always necessary. Using too many words like these can really detract from your poem, if you aren't careful.
Also, I have highlighted a few words (deadly, unresolved, and perhaps a few more) that didn't really make sense to me. I would suggest trying to find better, more gripping words, to put in these places.
I'm having a hard time with the second part of your poem. The line "take my life away" sounds very much like the narrator is saying she's going to commit suicide, and paired with "take my vengeance" it sounds like she's saying she'll be doing so to get back at this boy who seems to have crushed her.
That sequence doesn't make sense. And nothing else really suggests suicide (the idea is not continued in the last few lines), so I'm thinking that line may need reworded?
I omitted your final line because it really didn't make sense to me. What does pride have to do with heartbreak, or with someone else having your heart? There is no shame, no loss of pride, in having loved, even if the love is not returned.
Like I said, I like the piece, but I think it needs a lot of work. I hope you found my suggestions helpful, and if you have any questions feel free to PM me!
<3
Bella
I like this poem, it’s very good. I do have some suggestions for the work that would make it (to me at least) a little better.
I would separate some of the lines for a more dramatic affect and make it more intense. And I changed some words to make them sound better with the piece.
Other than these things, I have no complaints and hope that you keep writing good poems like this.
Hi Robbin,
Having just posted on your welcome mat post about not being scared of reviews, here I am to prove it to you!
Alrighty, into the review. First of all, I really like this piece. It is a common topic but a remarkably fresh approach, so kudos to you! First of all, my nitpicks:
So clearly there are some things you can work out, but this is a great start. I like your style, which is simple but flows very nicely. Great work on this!
Sare
helloo alabasterwolveness!
I want to start of with saying that this a nice write! You've really captured those emotions in your write and even though it's short, your message came through
I have to say that it gets a little confusing at the end though.
I don't really understand what has been taken away from you exactly. So maybe change it a little?
Two little nitpicks:
Other than that this is a nice write and I enjoyed reading it! I hope this helped a little and keep writing!
-qaralynn-
The emotions throughout this were great. You spoke straight from your heart.
Well, you said, "my life" twice very close together here. I think the first time it fit well. But, the second time, it doesn't seem to work quite right.
I didn't really know what you meant here, your pride, your life, your heart? I didn't understand. Maybe you should change that up a bit.
"Till I can someday regain my pride"..............You repeated "I can"
Good job with this! I liked it. My favorite part was:
Yep, I can't agree more. Those memories of him are going to be with you forever. And, it's hard to move on with life, but, as time goes on, it will get better and better. It's hard to believe, but, it's so true!
Writing poetry is (I believe) the best way to express our deepest feelings!