The Realm of Lousy Characters, Intro Part 1

This is a short story segment from a new idea I had. I'm hoping to go farther with this in the future, but I'm just gonna call this part one to a prologue to who-knows-what. :) 

Please enjoy! (This is by no means in its final form yet.)

The Realm of Lousy Characters

We have all seen the good characters: well-crafted, heroic or villainous creations of an exceptional author's genius. Every detail of their characteristics smells of imagination and creativity; even their appearance is fascinating. They are the epitome of dynamic characters, with such depth that they could combat the Mariana trench. They've had enough fan fiction written about them to fill a bookcase.

But what about the bad characters? Characteristics haphazardly thrown together, like a really poorly done patchwork quilt. They are shallow and practically the definition of clique. How many times have they heard “Well, I guess this will work...” from the mouths of mediocre and lazy authors? They had great ambitions of being the star in a great fantastical world or a hero in a grand quest. They dreamed of being that dark-cloaked villain with the evil laugh that sends shivers running down the spines of any who hears their name. Instead, they find themselves playing a character that would barely get cast as the walk-on tree in a school play.

These atrocious characters are gathering for a council, trying to determine how they can possibly make themselves into something great. How will they shed their stereotypical nature and become the characters of legend? Can they save their poorly-crafted stories and revolt against lazy and unimaginative authors? As they gather together for an urgent meeting, perhaps some ideas will present themselves.

Come delve into the lives of the unlucky and unfortunate. This is the realm of Lousy Characters.

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“It was a dark and stormy night. The wind whished through the branches like a hot knife through butter. The air was as thick as pea soup, and a dark figure dashed towards the huge castle like a dog with its tail between its legs, a far cry from the other figure boldly striding forward with apparent nerves of steel. Well, better late than never for that fellow, I suppose.”

A very unsubtle cough cut across the running monologue.

“Hey, dude, cool it with the cliches! Besides, who elected you narrator for this story? Just wait till the others arrive.”

Captain Cliche leaned against the windowsill, glaring out at the dark courtyard grumpily.

“Well, Fan Girl, I hate to burst your bubble, but you're not much better than I am. All those puns are driving me up the wall… I hope someone else gets here soon, otherwise I'll be fit to burst.”

“Say another sentence, and I'll punch you so hard your kids will be feeling it.” Fangirl growled, adjusting the electrical cord loop hanging at her side. She plopped down into a high-backed chair, resting her boots on the table. She yawned, commenting,

“Those two 'shadowy figures' of yours should be coming through the gate any time soon. I hope we don't have to wait any longer. This castle gives me the jeebies, and there aren't any outlets to plug my fan-tastic propeller suit into if anything happens.”

The high screech of a bat echoed through the dusty chamber. Several lanterns illuminated the room, flickering eerily and casting strange shadows across the floor. The huge wooden doors leading into the main hall where the two were still bickering began to swing open, creaking on their hinges.

The first figure stepped into the light, pushing back the hood from his face to reveal a carefully twisted mustache, a mop of black hair, and a tan trenchcoat. He flashed a brilliant smile, proclaiming boldly,

“Good evening, sir and madame. Might I inquire if this is the Council of Lousy Characters meeting?”

“Yep, this is it. We've been waiting for the head leader person to arrive, but they must be running late or something… Dust off a chair and have a seat!” Fan Girl motioned to the other high-backed chairs surrounding the table.

“Who are you?” she asked as the man sat down. He coughed lightly, trying to pull himself up to his full height.

“Ah, my name is Sheerluck Holmes. Yes, it was a very unfortunate play on words. My author has a thing for making ridiculous, pun-ridden names.”

“Mm, I feel you there. I'm Fan Girl… You can probably guess at the origin of that name.”

Captain Cliche peered towards the open doors, where another figure had appeared quite suddenly, a single drop of sweat dripping down his face.

“And who might you be, good sir? Another fellow character down on his luck?”

The man brushed away the drop of sweat, striding into the dim light. His white and blue skintight costume appeared to gleam and sparkle, even in such poor lighting.

“Sorry, good citizens, but there was a man trying to steal a piece of jewelry about 58 miles from here, and since I was in the area, I thought I'd best stop that dirty thief right then and there.” The gigantic “M” on his chest bulged as he sucked in air, trying to regain his breath.

“Oh, great… Megaman.” Fan Girl muttered, leaning over to Captain Cliche as she commented, “He put every other superhero out of business in his comic series. He has so many superpowers that he hasn't even had time to use them all yet. He's also extremely cocky...”

A gentle, feminine voice broke through the conversation.

“Good evening, everyone. I apologize for being late, but I was caught up in conversation with our two newest members.” A woman dressed in all white emerged from a passageway, her golden hair braided and wrapped on top of her head. A prissy young girl wobbled into the room, her multi-layered pink dress swishing against the floor. She was followed by a clanking pile of armor, likely inhabited by a man, but to those already assembled in the hall, it was difficult to tell.

The woman made a sweeping motion to the two.

“This is Princess Alice and Knight Robert. They will introduce themselves later, and the rest of you will have a chance to do the same. We have much to discuss. Everyone, please take a seat.” The noise of wood scraping stone reverberated through the rafters. After a few moments, everything was silent.

The woman's eyes examined the assembly, making a mental note as her eyes stopped at each face. Captain Cliche glanced down and murmured,

“Ah, silence is golden, isn't it?”

“I swear, I will stuff you down a well if you don't shut up.” Fan Girl hissed, elbowing him roughly.

The woman hide a chuckle and smiled.

“Greetings to you all. My name is Emma, and I am, oh, shall we say, the leader of this council. I know all of you have been deeply hurt by the tragedy of poor character development. The shallow ideals and completely unoriginal characteristics are often detrimental to the outcome of each of your stories. You feel angry towards lazy and often uncaring authors who didn't put in time and effort into imagining your character. They were, instead, focused on the plot, setting, or even… Even characters that they deemed more important than yours.”

At this point, an audible sob was heard from inside the walking armory. Princess Alice sniffed and turned up her nose.

“I don't know what you're whining about, Robert. Our story is really about me, not you. I'm the princess, after all.” The armory's shoulder plates slumped.

Emma rapped the table to regain attention.

“I realize there is a great deal of hurt inside everyone. Each of you has likely tried to change your stories, maybe throw in a good joke or two or even rescue a little girl from a river, but you feel like there is nothing you can do. But we can do great things, if we are willing to work together. Perhaps we should start by introducing ourselves. Sharing your story may help us all understand other perspectives and allow us to formulate a plan. Sheerluck Holmes, will you start? Tell us about yourself and your story.”

Sheerluck cleared his throat, gazing down at the table.

“Aye, about myself… My name is Sheerluck Holmes, and I'm a detective. My story is one of crime, daring adventures, dastardly villains, and heinous murder plots. Dozens of evil crimes have been thwarted under my watch. Only… I'm a horrible detective...”

He paused for a moment, sniffling.

“I failed the police academy, but somehow I got through as a bobby. My first year on the job, I was on eight different cases and I lost every single criminal. Yet somehow I became a detective. Every single case I've been on, the criminal has outsmarted me at every turn, except they keep making the dumbest mistakes. One bad fellow, he stepped into a bear trap and couldn't get out for an hour, until me and the boys tracked him down. Another one got hit by a car and we picked him up at the hospital. Two of them just up and turned themselves in! They said they had gotten too bored of the chase and wanted to retire from a life of crime. All I wanted to be was a police man, just doing his civic duty and protecting the innocent. But to be humiliated as a detective… I can't do anything right!”

Sheerluck broke into tears, wiping his eyes with a stained handkerchief. Emma coughed politely.

“Are you finished, Sheerluck?”
He nodded.

“Good. Thank you for sharing. Megaman, do you care to go next?”

“It would be my pleasure, fair citizen.” Megaman flashed a smile, then grimaced and rubbed his jaw.

“Sorry, I got socked a little hard after that last supervillain. I'm Megaman, caped defender of the galaxy. You can read my story in Megaman volume #2.” Six comic issues whished across the table, landing in front of every council member.

Emma smiled graciously.

“Please do go on….”

“Ah, yes… As I was saying, story in volume #2, but here's the scoop. I'm bored. I'm really, really bored, because my author gave me way too many superpowers. I mean, I can sense if a little boy is pickpocketing his grandma for money for an ice cream truck from a thousand miles away. And if anyone cares, there are five of them doing that right now. But I have nothing to do! All the supervillains are long-since defeated, and now all my author lets me do is rescue kittens from trees and plant trees to help the earth. I can plant an orchard in under twenty seconds, so that just doesn't cut it. All the other superheroes hate me. They think I'm stuck up, and the author booted them all out of the comic series, so they're now out of a job. I just don't know what to do. I mean, flight and super strength are good enough for me, but super speed, invisibility, super hearing, super vision, x-ray vision, super smelling, super...”

“I think that's enough, thank you.” Emma cut in.

She glanced over her list, her eyebrows furrowing. “Captain… Cliche?”

“Yeah, that's me...” Captain Cliche said, shuffling his feet awkwardly. “I don't really know that I have much to say… I don't even really know who I am. My author is an 8th grade boy who just learned about similes and know doesn't know where to stop. I feel like a fish out of water sometimes. All I remember is a pair of headlights coming towards me… I couldn't stop saying cliches. I didn't know what I was saying. It was all some cruel joke, no doubt. Junior-high humor… All I want to do is even the playing field, just a little bit, and get back at the brat. But I suppose all I can do right now is keep a stiff upper lip and keep going.”

A high pitched scream split the air, causing the bats lodging in the rafters to scatter, their screeches in a horribly off-key harmony with the scream.

“Someone help!! He's after me!!!”