The Realm of Lousy Characters, Episode #1

Here is the first episode of The Realm of Lousy Characters! If you haven't read the first two intro posts, I'd suggest reading those before this. Please enjoy! 

Episode One – Witness Protection & Defense Against the Dark Authors

Last time on The Realm of Lousy Characters, we met a cast of miscreant characters, their reputations ruined by their respective authors. Now, these characters are given a new chance at life: a chance to become great heroes and interesting people overall. How will these bumbling, incompetent characters fare as they free themselves from their authors' bonds and make a name for themselves? Find out in today's episode, Witness Protection & Defense Against the Dark Authors!

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“Congratulations! You are all now dead.”

Emma's beaming gaze swept over the collection of characters. A few muffled coughs came from the assembly.

“Excuse me? We're dead? Completely illogical.” Sheerluck Holmes said, speaking around the empty pipe in his mouth.

“But you said I would live!! Argh! Now I have to be a serial killer!” Horror girl screeched, wildly looking about for an axe.

“Hey, hold up there, Horror girl, you're not actually dead. Just dead to your author.”

“Oh...” Horror girl dropped the table leg she had torn off and kicked it to one side. Emma cleared her throat and regained her usual radiant smile.

“I hope that you all were able to consider throughout the morning what kinds of things you'd like to change about yourselves. We cannot help you change everything, but with some work, you can improve greatly.”

“Can I get over my obsession with boybands?” Fan Girl asked, trying to hide her Multi-Directional band phone case.

“Yes, you can do that.”

“Can I just nip it in the bud and learn to speak without using cliches?”

“You will definitely be working on that.”

“Can I chop my head off and reattach it again at will??”

Again, awkward silence filled the room. Horror girl sighed.

“I guess not…”

“Well, never say never, right?” Captain Cliche said, grinning happily. His smile faded at the sight of seven cold stares.

“Maybe we could just duct tape his mouth closed.” Fan Girl suggested, scrounging around in her utility belt.

Emma rubbed her temples in agitation.

“Listen, you all have much to learn and many areas to improve. We must all work together in this. All right?” The assembly muttered their agreement, and she heaved a long sigh.

“Good. Now, let's get started, shall we? I would like each of you to take a notebook and write in it the top three things or areas in which you would like to improve. These will be your personal goals. Now, I've asked Professor McCollicall to give you some basics instructions upon what to do now that you are freed from your author's grasp. Professor?”

There was a puff of blue smoke and a gray-haired woman, sporting a witch-like hat, emerged from the cloud. She looked out over the characters sternly, clicking her tongue slowly.

“Good afternoon. As Ms. Emma stated before, my name is Professor McCollicall, and I will be instructing you on Defense Against the Dark Authors. Now, your past identities are now gone, dismissed into history as the lame and uncreative characters that you once were. However, for the sake of consistency, you will all be referred to as your previous names so that we don't have any confusion. Now that your authors believe that you are gone, it is imperative that they do not locate you ever again. For these reasons, we will ensure that each of you has a changed appearance and garb. Furthermore, you must never speak of your past self to anyone. If at all possible, avoid any contact with other characters that your author has created, such as in your case, Megaman. Any of the villains that you have jailed, banished to another planet, or shamed would recognize you in a moment. You must not have any more contact with them.”

Megaman spread his super ripped arms wide imploringly as he said,

“But those villains are my buddies! We've had great talks flying to and from maximum security prisons that they break out of in a month or so. Every once in a while, I get captured, and we have long discussions about the villain's plans to end the world and destroy me along with it. I can't leave them!”

“You must! You could be endangering all of your comrades if you do. Now, please stop juggling those chairs and sit down.”

Megaman plopped to the floor in a huff, splintering the wood as he did so.

“Very good. Now, once your training here is complete, you will be assigned to new authors, ones that have had much more experience and have cultivated great creativity. These authors may not be some of the greatest, but you will go to a good story-home. But I suppose you are all curious about the defense portion of this lesson.”

She pulled out a handful of wands, tossing them to the characters.

“I will teach you a few spells to ward off your authors, should they ever encounter you. Now, do not move your wands, but repeat after me. Depart-at-once-imus, maximum-speed-imus. Now, move your wand in a clockwise motion, then sharply up.”

She demonstrated the movement, and the characters did likewise. She nodded approvingly.

“Now aim your wands at the notebook in front of you and say the spell while moving your hand. Go.”

There was a hurried muttering and some movements, and three of the seven notebooks flew towards the door, along with one of the casters: Sheerluck Holmes. He tried to hold onto objects as he passed them, panic in his voice as he wailed,

“I cannot deduce at what speed I'm heading for that wall, but my detective skills tell me it's going to hurt!”

“Oh dearie me...” the professor murmured, swiftly reciting a spell that sent the detective hurtling back to his spot.

“How did you manage that?” Fan Girl asked, rather perplexed.

“He was holding his wand the wrong direction… What a fool...” Princess Alice said, finally speaking up for the first time from the back of the room. She had been too busy fluffing her perfect curls to pay attention to what others were doing.

“You didn't even cast the spell, oh princess dear.” Knight Robert muttered grumpily, withholding his urges to smack the grinning princess.

Fan Girl raised her hand.

“Yes?” the professor said, wiggling her glasses on her nose.

“Yeah, hi. So I've never used magic in my entire life and somehow Horror Girl, Megaman, and I were all able to cast a spell with a wand on the first try. How exactly does that happen??”

“Lazy writing, my dear. Every author does it. Now, on to the next spell...”

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“Now that we have thoroughly gone through each spell, conveniently happening during the commercial break, I believe you are all prepared to ward off any and all authors! Just be sure to only use Travel-is-to-the-solar-system-us in times of dire need. It is a dangerous one. I believe that is enough for this class. Remember to always be on your guard around any author. It can mean life or living death. Now, I believe you are all to select new garb and costumes in the room adjacent to this. Please leave your wands in this room.”

A rush ensued towards the costume room. Only Princess Alice remained behind, looking sadly at her dress. Her lip quivered as she said,

“Does this mean I have to dress like a dreadful, horrible peasant?”

“Unfortunately, no, dear lady.” Knight Robert cut in, placing his armored hands on her shoulders reassuringly as he continued.

“I suggest, however, that you choose a different style than this. Perhaps a charming blue blouse and skirt?”

He winced as she grabbed onto his arm, sinking her nails into his hand as she wailed,

“My beautiful dress!! Oh, the horror! I shall be as naught, only a ghost of my once radiant beauty and grace. My pockets shall be empty, and I must live eating out of garbage cans and, * gasp *, maybe even get a JOB!”

She fainted straightaway into the knight's arms. Heaving a sigh that likely had been heaved hundreds of times before, he scooped her up and carried her to the room.

Emma stayed behind with Professor McCollicall, smiling happily.

“I think they're going to do just wonderfully, don't you? They all have so much potential.”

The professor sniffed thoughtfully.

“Depends on what you qualify as potential, dear. One never knows with these sort. They may be too steeped in their lame character mentalities that they may never recover. Ah, but I suppose there is always the hope. Come, let's see what ideas have come across their minds this time.”

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Join us next episode on The Realm of Lousy Characters! Thanks for reading. See you next time!