Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
She hides her smile.
she smothers her laughter.
She changes her hair,
she hides her face.
She hides the beauty everyone else sees,
filled with self-loathing and disbelief.
The voice she hears tells a different tale,
convincing her she’s not good enough.
When her smile blossoms,
upon her apple red lips,
she looks towards the ground,
concealing the brightness it holds.
“My teeth are too crooked,” she silently cries.
Staring at her reflection in the still lake below.
When she laughs,
it's as beautiful as the spring.
She forces it silent with her sleeve.
Muffling the joy it can bring.
“It’s too loud,” she helplessly screams.
Talking to the bees as they buzz by.
She irons her hair,
dark as ebony, soft as silk.
Ruining its dancing waves.
She never recalls,
how it once danced with the winds.
“It’s too messy,” she brokenly mumbles.
Whispering to the pale grass.
She keeps her head bowed,
hiding her sweet face.
Her bright, cobalt eyes,
as vibrant as the sea.
Full, round cheeks,
lightly tinted pink.
A splattering of freckles
dancing across her nose.
Continually denying the
youthful beauty it holds.
“I look like a child,” she haltingly says.
Her tears dripping into the stillness below.
She wears long sleeves
Covering her long, lithe arms,
how they swayed hypnotically as she danced.
Hiding their delicate appearance.
Not a person remembers,
how gracefully they used to swing.
“They’re too skinny,” she painfully gasps.
Trying to contain her shuddering breaths.
She hears that voice inside once more.
Telling her there’s still more to change,
before she is worth their praise.
“You’re not slim enough,”it tauntingly whispers.
“You’re too plain,” it tauntingly coos.
“You are nothing special,” it cruelly drawls.
“I know,” she whispers.
“I hear you,” she cries.
“Change me,” she shouts.
“Make me who i need to be,” she brokenly gasps.
She hoplessly clutches the roots of her hair,
her nails like daggers, digging in.
She feels something slick and sticky,
sliding through the strands.
Drip, drip.
Down it falls.
Bright crimson tears.
Tumbling down one after the next,
mixing with the water below.
They fall faster.
Her soft whimpers becoming,
earth shattering sobs.
The voice’s words echoing in her head.
“Too plain... Nothing special… not slim”
She holds her trembling form.
Taking one gasping breath after the other,
listening helplessly as the voice drawls on.
She knows it’s right.
She needs to change.
She’s broken and wrong.
Drowning in her unending pain.
Burning with unyielding hate.
She claws her skin.
Breaking through,
layer after layer.
The waters turn a deep sanguine.
But the voice continues unyieldingly on,
“Faster, faster!,”
“Soon you’ll be perfect!”
“Just one more time!”
Darker and darker the water turns.
Her sobs lessen with each subsiding layer.
Finally she whispers,
in to the hopeless quiet surrounding her.
“Am I perfect now?”
Brokenly she lies,
no more tears to cry.
The voice has vanished.
But its words still linger,
echoing one last time.
before she feels the dark's welcoming arms.
Surrounding her in it’s soothing hold.
“I’m perfect now.”
It echos inside,
she's drifting towards Nyx’s warm embrace
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139,596 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
hello, Ash here for a review
once again, this is an amazing and truly beautiful poem. i love what youre saying
however i have a few suggestions.
your capitlization is very inconsistant. theres some places where after commas you'll capitalize it but a majority of the time you don't. can you please fix that? thank you
"She hides her smile,
She smothers her laughter,
She changes her hair,
She hides her face."
this is what i was talking about with the capatilization, but thats not all with this. If im being entirely honest, i think that, in the first three lines, you should use periods. to me it feels like run-on sentences with the commas. but maybe thats just me.
"When she laughs,
it's as beautiful as the spring.
She forces it silent with her sleeve,
muffling the joy it can bring."
here i dont have anything to complain about, i just want you to realize how powerful this line is. THIS. LINE. IS. SO. POWERFUL. i feel it on such a high level, like words cant describe. oKAY OKAY ILL MOVE ON NOW
"her nails like daggers, digging in.
She feels something slick and sticky,
sliding through the strands.
Drip, drip.
Down it falls.
Bright crimson tears."
i love the wording you used here good job
"The waters turn crimson."
as much as i love the word crimson i feel like you could use another word to describe red.
OKAY
i love this poem, so much, its for sure one in my book of favorites!
you got your point across very well, and sadly i can relate to it.
fantastic job my pal
keep up the amazing writing
i look forward to seeing more from you in the future!
best!
>Ash
Hey adelaide,
Shady here with a review for you!
I think you have a really powerful start to this poem. I mean there are a plethora of angsty poems about insecurities that teenagers (presumably) feel, and after a while they begin to feel worn out and boring. But I wasn't bored by your poem when I started reading. I like the imagery you use for the poem, and the mental pictures you weaved. It's very good.
I think you've got a typo here. Shouldn't it be "her" not "here"? Also, did you mean to separate lines 2 and 3 (in this excerpt) with a period instead of a comma? It seems like these should go together, since the first two lines don't really make sense by themselves (because they don't form a complete thought). I think I would recommend turning that to a comma rather than a period.
This reads odd. I think it should probably either be "continually denying" or "continual denial" but right now your words don't seem to agree. Also, this comma seems out of place, since there's no need for a pause after "the".
~ ~ ~
Dang. This was intense from beginning to end. I really like the premise and overall, this poem flowed very nicely. I think you did an excellent job with it. A few places were a bit awkward, but there's the very real possibility that I am wrong in my suggested edits as I am not fantastic with poetry.
I did enjoy your work, though. It's a bit dark but realistic and relatable, to a certain extent. Hope this helps!
Keep writing!
~Shady
This reads much better.
I like the way that you describe how she is at war with herself and how that internal conflict finally proves to be her undoing. Also, how you accurately convey that sometimes such an internal struggle might be perceived as if something or someone is interfering from without. That might indeed be the case from a Christian viewpoint since the Bible describes spirits which do tamper with people's minds. On the other hand, it might be an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain. This could with a defective socialization where concepts of beauty force a person to view himself or herself as ugly can certainly wreak havoc on a person's life.
Thanks for sharing and looking forward to reading more of your work.
Please feel free to reject any suggestion that you deem unhelpful or just a matter of personal style.
Here are some other areas that can be tweaked:
It [echoes] inside.
....[dark's] welcoming embrace.
Remove the extra exclamation points.
“It’s too messy,” she brokenly mumbles and whispers
to the pale grass. [The reader knows that grass grows on the ground.]
[As a reader I want to see exactly what was beautiful. Her deep brown eyes? Her tanned skin as smooth as silk? Her enigmatic smile on her full, pouting lips? The burgeoning fullness of her brown virginal breasts? The caramel color of delicate cheeks? Describing her so that her beauty goes contrary to what is popular would be nice. You do it with the waviness of her hair to a degree. But what if the hair is described as frizzy instead? ]
The word "scream" is used twice. I would change one of them to "shouts" to reduce word-repetition.
“You’re too plain,” it mockingly [coos].
“I know,” she [whispers.] [present tense]
The waters [turn] crimson. [To keep the present tense]
The voice has [vanished]. [More poetic]
Also, the word "embrace" repeats twice and too close together.
....one last [time] before she feels the dark[’]s welcoming [arms]. [To avoid the repetition of embrace.]
Please note that as readers we know that things heard are heard in the head. So there is really no need to mention it.
Engulfing her in it’s soothing [stillness? soul? sanity? sameness? To avoid repeating that he embraces her.]
thank you for the suggestions, I've just finished editing it a bit. please feel free to let me know if there is anything else that catches your attention.
hoplessly [hopelessly] Always pass through spell-checker.
[Filled with self-loathing and disbelief, she....]
....as it blossoms.... [What blossoms?]
[When her smile blossoms on her apple-red lips....]
....[they] used to swing. [....how they swayed] for word-economy.