Hey Zrillis!
I meant to review this earlier, but it slipped my mind, so I'm coming back now.
I looked forward and focused my eyes, unable to remeber Lilit, Few, or the world of Nowhere. All that mattered was this calm medow.
Okay, this is probably a bit nit-picky, but if he can't remember Lilit, Few, or the world of Nowhere, then he can't really be thinking about them--he's the narrator, rather than an outside narrator, so it doesn't make sense for him to be actively having this thought. (if that makes sense) It would be better to stretch the safe meadow idea, with something like, "He felt that there was something missing, something he had forgotten, but all that mattered was this calm meadow. Its peacefulness reminded him that he was at home here, he couldn't have thought anything else." Just as an example.
Jayden Turner, the boy who wishes to see the king.
It's interesting that Lilit defines him like this! Jayden doesn't realize it in his current state, but it helps remind readers of Jayden's goal, and we wonder why it's important. And I'm definitely curious to find out if he succeeds in his quest, and why he needs to. Nice hint to drop in!
"Very well. All you have to do to win this game..." her voice paused and the world became fire, the grass burning violently as my clothed burst with flame. "Is remember why your here."
With her last words, The maiden of the Meadow let out an evil cackle and vanished in a puff of smoke.
Remember why I'm here? How could I remember anything in this world of hell. The fire drove down on me, as I glanced around for any safe ground, anything, anyone.
I'm not sure of the point of this. Why would Lilit give him a chance to leave? And why would she set everything on fire? To me, it seems like the fire reminds Jayden of his need--whereas if he had remained in the calming meadow, he would still be under Lilit's influence and not even remember that he needed to be elsewhere. It makes me question her motives. Does Jayden question them as well? Why did she let him go??
"Remember Jayden, when you are going through this treatment, think of someone, real or not. And the thought of that person will guide you. In your imagination, the person you picture as your gaurdian can do anything you wish them to be, they can be anyone and do whatever you need them to do at that moment"
Love this. I'm excited to see the integration of the real world at this point in time. The contrast between the hospital with the treatment and the fantasy world of Nowhere is really intriguing, and I dig the tension.
The voice broke me free from Lilits magic, as I glanced to my side. Few was standing there, still gripping my hand tightly. She didn't seem to know I was there and her eyes were blank.
Since Jayden in Lilit's world was escaping from fire, I sort of expected him to have fallen to the ground in Nowhere, but he seems to be perfectly upright, without even a stumble. I wonder if he would remark upon that fact? Or maybe his concentration is fixed wholly on Few, which would make sense.
She was laughing, but thick tears were pouring down her face. I didn't know what fake illusions Lilit had shown her, and didn't dare to ask. All I knew for sure was, we were safe for the moment. I let myself slip into happiness as I lie there with Few still pinning me down. The forest had grown silent and all was calm. Everything seemed perfect until a voice from the distance spoke to me.
"Jayden. Jayden wake up, treatment is over for the day."
I didn't really feel the depth of the relationship between Jayden and Few until this moment, and I love/hate that it was immediately taken away by the emergence of the real world. Nice job of that!
This chapter was a nice segue, and everything about it was really good for the most part. I'm anxious to see more of Jayden's personality, and going between the real world and the world of Nowhere, but I'm sure more development will come in later chapters. Other than that, there are maybe just a few grammatical things, but it read through very well!
Good luck in your future writings! Feel free to let me know if you post another chapter.
-Q
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