z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Door To Nowhere: Chapter one: The spirit of the Lying forest

by Zrillis


      "Its ok Jayden, just close your eyes and think of that place you told me about." The doctor said as he started my second session of therapy. The disease ate away at my mind, and he knew there was only one door I could use to escape.

I closed my eyes tight, and focused. When I opened them again, everything was gone and the world was dark. Only a single large door stood in the emptiness. The door was a thick metal, with no panels or windows. Upon the center was a single wooden cross nailed into the metal. I knew this door well, it was the only thing that brought me joy. I walked slowly in the dark, and reached out my hand. My hand touched cold metal and I hesitated for a second, before twisting the handle and stepping out into light.

All around me the air was crisp with morning dew, and the grass beneath my feet streached down the mountains. This was my world. The World of Nowhere, in the kindom of False. The wind blew the grass on my mountain, giving it the effect to look like the land was moving beneath me. At the base of this mountain, a nice, cool river ran into the Lying forest.

I looked up, high above me at my goal. The floating castle, with its golden bricks and silver gate. Inside that castle sat the King of Nothing, always watching over the land of False, in this beautiful world of Nowhere.

One day, I would make it to that castle, I would find the King of Nothing, and that was where my journey would end. That was my goal, to meet with Royalty, and looking the king of Nothing in the eyes, I would draw my final breath, and I would die.

My thoughts were interrupted by a small sweet voice.

"Jay Jay! Your back!"

The voice cried as a girl came into view. She was a young fawn, human on her uper body with furry legs that ended in hooves. She was small, with blue fur and long orange hair that flowed to her middle back. The girl ran over to me and gave me a deep hug.

"Its been a few days Jay Jay. I was getting scared you weren't coming back!" She chided, in her happy hyperactive voice.

I hugged the girl back and laughed a bit.

"Im sorry Few, I have been busy and the door was locked. I had to wait until I was allowed back." I spoke, looking down at the Lying forest.

The forest held many secrets, many mysterious creatures and danger. That was where I must go. In all my visits to Nowhere I had never left my mountain. In my first visit I had met Few, and all visits after that my friend spent all the time I had explaining about the castle in the sky.

"Few, I'm ready. Let's go to the forest."

Fews blue fur stood on end, a sign that I had discovered ment pure happines and excitement. She began to prance around me, and her arms flailed like a small child.

"Yay! Finally Jay Jay is ready to adventure!" She yelped, as her piercing white eyes seemed to glow.

Few was my best friend, the only friend I knew in this world. I had never seen her upset, or even calm for that matter. This world seemed to thrill her even though she was born to it. Any mention or question about a landmark and she jumped with joy and happiness.

"Come one Jay Jay. Follow me!"

Few grabbed my hand, and started to run, happily pulling me down my mountain, the only place I truly knew in this world of Nowhere. The grass further away from my spot was lush, but lacked the shine that the top of the mountain had obtained through direct sunlight. I loved this world, and the brilliance of it's magic.

The ground beneath me curved to become grassy plains, and soon we reached the River of Misdeeds. Few let go of my hand and ran to the edge, kneeling down to cup her knees with her hands.

"Look Jay Jay! Theres a school of Pixie fish!" She shouted and pointed a finger to the water.

Beneath her finger stretched a small school of winged fish, fluttering beneath the surface. They were beautiful, thier wings catching glints of sun as they happily swam. Despite thier beauty, Few had warned me of thier sharp teath. These little Pixies were killers of the water.

"Over there Jay Jay, the Dismal Bridge! Thats where we have to cross." She beamed out again, jumping to her feet and raced to the bridge. Few stood in the center and peered out over the water. I laughed at her energy and wild nature as I hurried after the little fawn.

"Don't be running off too fast Few, you know the only place I know in this world is that mountain. "

Her eyes seemed to droop as she ran back and hugged me.

"Im sorry Jay Jay, I'm just excited to be on an adventure with you!"

We crossed the bridge, and walked to the edge of the forest. Fews fur was still on end on excitement, but I was scared. The Lying forest. Deep inside the jungle of trees was the hunting grounds of Lilit, the spirit of the forest. Few had informed me the trees were magic. Each tree spoke, leading you deeper into the center towards Lilit.

"Few, don't leave me behind, please." I spoke in a low whisper.

As a response to my plea, the girl walked over and took my hand. Her expression was serious, one I had never seen from her face before.

"I'd never leave you Jay Jay, that's a promise!"

I smiled and made a quick nod of my head to inform her I was ready. Each step into the forest felt like a mile, as my heart thumped heavy inside me and my mind told me to turn back. I refused to listen, letting Few's touch be my comfort. I had to trust that she could lead me safely through the Lying Forest.

The trees were large and everywhere. Without Few's guidance I would had never even found a path. As I looked around, I began to hear voices, loud and tempting.

"This way, follow the wind. The wind will guide you to safety."

I looked at Few, and saw her head shake no.

"Trust me Jay Jay. I will take you to safety on the other side."

Her words brought me confort, but only for a second. Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw a sudden flash of movement. I hurried my pace to walk side by side with Few, when I saw the movement again.

"Few, did you see that?" I asked quietly, getting even closer to the girl.

"Yea... something is wrong. Lilit doesnt come down this far normally..."

Few's voice trailed off as she stopped dead in her tracks and gripped my hand tighter. She pulled me closer yet, to where we were touching. A few feet in front of us was a figure. It resembled an elderly lady, with large ram horns sprouting from her skull and brown fur covering her face.

"Jay Jay, stay beside me, don't move a muscle. Thats Lilit."

Few whispered gripping my hand even harder. The trees around us started to laugh as Lilit crained her head to the side.

"Hello my children, would you like to play a game with me?"


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
498 Reviews


Points: 5966
Reviews: 498

Donate
Fri Aug 09, 2019 7:55 pm
View Likes
Que wrote a review...



Hi Zrillis!

I hope you're having a good day today. Let's get right into the review~

"Its ok Jayden, just close your eyes and think of that place you told me about." The doctor said as he started my second session of therapy. The disease ate away at my mind, and he knew there was only one door I could use to escape.

The very first paragraph intrigued me a lot because it sort of blended real life with this fantasy world that Jayden enters. However, after this we just stay in the World of Nowhere--I was sort of hoping the therapy session would reemerge, but maybe you'll develop it later?

"Im sorry Few, I have been busy and the door was locked. I had to wait until I was allowed back."

Very interesting!

In my first visit I had met Few, and all visits after that my friend spent all the time I had explaining about the castle in the sky.

This is interesting. What does Few do when she's not visiting Jay? If he hasn't been off his mountain before, then she must have sought him out and continues to watch for him. Is she somehow connected to him, or is she just a convenient friend?

We crossed the bridge, and walked to the edge of the forest. Fews fur was still on end on excitement, but I was scared.

"Jay Jay, stay beside me, don't move a muscle. Thats Lilit."

Few whispered gripping my hand even harder.

It's a little hard to compare these things--it's clear that despite her bubbly personality, Few is capable of being serious, but it also seems like she should have been cautious earlier. If she's really worried about Lillit being there, then wouldn't she have warned Jay instead of being excited for an adventure? Just a thought.

Overall, this was pretty good! I'm curious about this world, and how real everything may or may not be. You have a few grammar things, like your instead of you're and some missing apostrophes, so you might want to look it over for those things!

Few's personality comes through pretty clearly, but Jay's not so much. I would love to see some of his thoughts--it was good to see that he was scared of the forest, and amused by Few's spirited personality, but I'd just like to know what he thinks about being in the whole world, and why he needs to find the castle and the king.

Also, I like the interesting creatures here, like Few and the pixie fish, but I wonder if even the forest and the rivers and mountains look different? Maybe they're closer to the real world, but I would still love to see some more description of the fantasy world that we're looking into. (Although I super love the whispering trees to lure people in! Very cool.)

Not too much to say, but I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter! :) Good job with this, and good luck with your future writing!

-Q




User avatar
108 Reviews


Points: 13147
Reviews: 108

Donate
Thu Aug 08, 2019 6:53 am
View Likes
Asith wrote a review...



Hello! Your title caught my eye, and I'm glad it did, so I'll leave a review :)
You'll have to forgive me if the review seems more like a list than a developed critique, I'm writing this as the the thoughts come to me.

---

Firstly, the minor nitpick of punctuation. Boring, I know, but we'll get to your actual writing soon - and improper punctuation can actually throw off readers! The main inconsistency is in your dialogue. When you have a character say something, and then follow it up with "said", you don't use a period to end their speech. You either use a comma, or, if applicable, a question or exclamation mark.

"Its ok Jayden, just close your eyes and think of that place you told me about." The doctor said as he started my second session of therapy.


Should actually be:
"It's ok Jayden, just close your eyes and think of that place you told me about," the doctor said, as he started my second session of therapy.

Notice the correction in bold. This works because both the dialogue and "the doctor said" are actually two parts of the same sentence. It's also worth proofreading and correcting the other basic punctuation mistakes, but I'll leave that to you.

----
Onto the meat of the story, then.
Firstly, I must stay I LOVE the naming of your world. False; Nowhere; Few; what a brilliant system! I love how you simply present these names as fact, instead of drawing attention to them. It in turn makes the reader notice the naming by themselves, naturally. I believe this is where your strength as a narrator lies.

I would have to say that I detected inconsistencies in Few's character. Perhaps this was intentional, and the emotional jumps are a part of her character? It's too early for me to know if that's the case, so for now, it is a bit jarring. For example, you say that Few spent all your previous visits explaining about the castle in the sky? And yet, on this visit, she is presented as acharacter with the uncontrollable urge to do something active - to go on an adventure - and definitely not the type of person to spend multiple days simply explaining something to Jayden. There's also a sudden character shift in the Lying forest, in which Few suddenly becomes careful, intelligent, and tactful, even though she had almost left Jayden behind in her excitement just a few paragraphs prior. I understand this is meant to be sudden shift into seriousness, but it is simply not developed well enough, especially considering the next thing she says ("That's a promise!") could easily be read as child-like. I would advise perhaps making it more obvious that she has the capability to take things so seriously before the climax of the forest. In fact, I could see Few needing more character work in general. Perhaps, instead of telling the reader how Jayden and Few had met and interacted in a few throw-away sentences, you build it up later, maybe in the form of Jayden's memories, and hint at a more gradual change in her character, at least from Jayden's perspective. Just a suggestion :)

I really love the premise of the story. An escape into a fantasy world is always brilliant, but one paired with a mental disease, where the end of the fantasy adventure signifies accepting death in the real world? It's incredible. I hope you take the time to flesh out that theme a bit more in the coming chapters (perhaps have Jayden wake up again, so we understand more of his real life plight), because it could truly push your story into something far more powerful than it is at first glance.

----

I think I'm going to follow this story. If you'd like me to review the rest when you upload it, I'd be glad to. If you found this unhelpful, that's fine too :)
I look forward to seeing what Lilit does to Jayden and Few




Zrillis says...


This was helpful. I have to go back and make my point more clear. What I meant to have Portrayed is Few spends all the time explaining about the castle because Jayden makes her expalin.
And I would love if you review the rest when I put it out



Zrillis says...


Also I dont want to say to much but later on youll discover that Fews personally changes based on what Jayden needs it to be at that moment. As i said I cant say too much just yet



Asith says...


That sounds really cool actually! I look forward to reading it



Zrillis says...


Just telling you cause I'm intersted to see how you receive it, the next chapter is up




If we choose, we can live in a world of comforting illusion.
— Noam Chomsky