Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Word Count: 2025
Gunfire cracks over the air of the open field. The green beer bottle, that had been so precariously placed on the cross beam of a wooden fence, exploded in a hail of emerald shards.
“You're getting better, Jerry. Four out of Five,” Roy said clapping Jerry on the shoulder. “Here soon you'll be a regular sharpshooter.”
Jerry smiled a little as he lowered the black pistol. He was surprised how little it actually kicked when he pulled the trigger. But his first experience with a firearm had been the shotgun last night and Roy had been right – it kicked like a mule. The grip of the pistol in his hand made him feel like he could take on an army of crazies.
“Alright, let's pack it up. We still have another hour before we reach Yuma.” Roy stated.
“What do you think we'll find when we get there?” Jerry asked adjusting the vest strapped around his torso.
“Hopefully, a military presence. If not then we'll figure out our next move from there.” Roy placed his AR-15, as Jerry had come to find it was called, in the Humvee before jumping in and starting it up. Jerry hopped into the passenger seat and sighed feeling the heat baking him like he was in an oven. The vest he wore didn't breath and it only made his sweat stick to him instead of evaporating to cool him off. The tires kicked up dirt before they pulled onto the highway again and the gentle hum of the engine droned over the silence. “Why don't you try the radio. I don't have much hope for it; but, maybe there is something being broadcast.”
Jerry switched on the radio and slowly began to turn the dial. The hissing static filled every station up and down the radio dial. “Well, it figures. All the radio stations were probably overrun when all of this started.” He turned off the radio with a click and stared out the window at the flat desert. He did everything that he could to focus on something other than what he had lost. Roy knew that Jerry was avoiding the reality of the situation; but, who wouldn't? Losing your entire family in a matter of hours was enough to make a sane man snap if not want to ignore the reality.
“We need gas. I think there was a sign that said there would be some coming up soon. Keep your eyes open.” Jerry didn't see the point. It was nothing but flat desert for as far as the eye could see. In the waving vapors that rose from the black asphalt the buildings of a small town came into view. Short buildings with mom and pop businesses lined the road. If the end of the world hadn't come then this little town would have been busy with life from people gathering supplies for a home project from the hardware store, or getting food from the grocery store. Jerry could almost imagine shooting a commercial for some down to earth film about a small town's need to change or information for a new medicare plan in the streets of the small town. Now it was just empty. Nothing gave it life. The empty buildings were just a grim reminder of what this town used to be. The bright yellow clam sign with the word SHELL printed on it in bold red letters loomed over the darkened building beside it. Roy had stopped at the corner and just watched the building. “Alright. Just remember the drill. Check the area, check the building, get what we need, and get out.”
Jerry nodded as he pulled his shotgun from the back seat. Roy pressed the gas slightly and slowly drove up to the diesel pumps. Roy and Jerry hopped out, their firearms up and ready. The pair carefully advance on the gas station, Roy in front and Jerry close behind, needing to turn on the gas. “There should be something that will allow us to just get gas,” Roy said.
Jerry moved to the door and took one careful step after another. Then he heard the sound of a hammer being pulled on a revolver and froze. Just in his peripheral he could see the silver muzzle of the forty-five caliber pistol that was aimed only a few inches to the right of his head. “This is my hiding place,” the man said. Jerry chanced a look at him. He was a middle age man with whiskers sprouting from his chin and dressed in a red shell polo and tan khakis. A camouflage hat that you could imagine a fisherman to wear as his lucky cap was pulled down tight on his head as if it were going to blow away.
“Take it easy,” Jerry said gently. “We just need some gas and we'll be on our way.”
“You think I'm fucking stupid?! You're just waiting for me to turn my back so your ape friend can beat my skull in.”
“Look I don't know who you've been around when all of this started,” Roy stated, “but we're just here for gas. If you want we'll go outside and you can just flip on the pump for us in here.” Roy lowered his rifle as a sign of good faith and Jerry followed in turn. The gas station attendant seemed to relax a little, but didn't lower his revolver. “What's your name, man?”
“Ryan.”
“Okay, Ryan. Listen man. The world has gone to hell, and we aren't going to survive it if we turn on one another. Jerry and I are headed to Yuma. There's a military base there that I believe is still operational. The way I see it, the more gun hands the better. Come with us to Yuma.” Ryan looked between the two of them and nervously lowered the gun and uncocking it.
“Thanks,” Jerry said. “My name is Jerry.” He held out his hand to Ryan who shook it quickly. “Now since we're all friends here why don't we gather up some food and water for the drive.”
“I'll get the gas,” Roy said moving behind the counter. He struck one of the buttons and left the store. He shoved the nozzle of the pump into the gas tank and locked the handle in place. The sound of the pump inside of the machine drawing the gasoline from the underground tank could be heard with a rhythmic tapping.
Jerry and Ryan filled several bags with bottled water, sports drinks, chips, and candy bars. “Not the best thing to eat on the road; but, beggars can't be choosers,” Jerry said. He picked up a snickers bar and bit a large piece off, enjoying its chocolaty and caramel filled goodness.
“Hey! What are you doing?!” Ryan said rushing over. Jerry looked at him a little shocked until Ryan chuckled a little. “Sorry, sort of a habit.” He picked up a payday and slowly unwrapped it. “You work someplace for eight years I guess you get kind of attached to it.” He took a bite raining crumbs of peanuts onto the linoleum.
“I guess. I was an executive of an ad agency before all this happened. Don't see that line of work progressing any time soon.” He glanced down at the revolver in Ryan's hand. “You keep that in the store for night protection?”
“Yeah I did. More to scare them than to actually use it. Never even fired the damn thing.”
“Well, you will have more than enough chances in the future. Let's get this stuff out to the Humvee.” The two of them carryied the four bags of food and water out and tossing it inside the back of the vehicle.
“Nobody make a sound,” Roy whispered. Jerry looked at him and then turned to see what his eyes were locked onto. A large horde of the undead had shuffled its way down the road into a chaotic flock. Roy pointed Jerry into the driver seat and slowly began leaning toward the pump to unhook it. As Jerry opened the door, Ryan suddenly let loose all six rounds from his revolver. He didn't hit any of them but the horde turned to the noise. Sensing a meal, they started stumbling at a fast pace toward the trio. “Get in!” Roy yelled jumping into the back. Everyone piled in and Jerry threw the engine into first, taking off and ripping the nozzle from the pump. “Stop! Hold on a second!” Roy yelled. Jerry slammed on the breaks and looked back to him.
“Why the fuck are we stopping?!” Ryan screamed.
Roy pulled out one of the flares in his vest and struck it on his knee. A flash of searing red light and a loud hissing filled the Humvee. Roy turned to Jerry and said, “Drive. Fast,” and tossing the flare out the window to the small trail of gasoline that led back to the station. Jerry looked at Roy like he was crazy, already putting together what the former military man had planned, before flooring the gas and tearing off down the road getting up to third gear. The initial shock wave when the gas station exploded nearly threw them off the road. Jerry turned the black wheel this way and that trying to keep the military vehicle on the asphalt. He swore he could feel the tires come off of the road and roll on just two, before managing to correct the chaotic twisting.
Getting control of the fish tailing Humvee, a large mushroom cloud billowing up in the rear view mirror. “What the hell is your problem?!” Ryan screamed from the back seat. “Stopping in the middle of the road with those things coming after us! Are the two of you insane?!”
“What we did was get them off of our trail,” Roy said calmly.
“So blowing up my gas station was your solution!? What if someone was killed?!”
“If we didn't do that, that horde would be following us all the way to Yuma,” Jerry said.
“Let me out of the fucking car! I'm not traveling with a pair of psychos!” Ryan yelled pulling open the door.
Jerry slammed on the breaks and skidded to a halt. Ryan quickly stepped out of the car with Roy and Jerry right behind him. “You go out on your own and you're going to end up dead,” Roy stated.
“Why? You gonna shoot me if I don't comply? You ain't got the balls, nigger!”
“What did you just say?” Roy asked, the anger filling his voice at the derogatory word..
“I called you a nigger! You fucking deaf you stupid, fucking, n...” Ryan suddenly dropped and was pulled into a man hole. He clawed at the asphalt in an attempt to pull himself free from whatever had a hold of him. “Oh my god! Help me!” Roy and Jerry rushed over each grabbing and arm and pulling with all of their might. “They're tearing into me! Oh, god! Get me out!” With a crack and a sudden give Ryan came up out of the hole missing everything from the waist down. His intestines still being pulled into the darkness of the hole like the chain of some anchor being dropped off the side of a ship.
Roy and Jerry dropped what was left of Ryan on the ground and just stared at him. “He... he's dead,” Jerry stated.
“No fucking shit! Get in the damn car before the rest of them come up for us!” Roy shouted rushing around to the driver side. The two of them drove off quickly leaving the small town behind in a cloud of dust and Ryan's half a body slowly being pulled back into the hole. Jerry couldn't get his mind off of the way that Ryan died. Even if he was racist, he didn't deserve to get killed like that. “What the hell is going on down there?” Roy said looking to the side of the road.
To Be Continued...
End of chapter
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139,595 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Hey, this is LordZeus here to review for the Monarchs! Happy Review Day, by the way.
I'll get right to the point. Your work is good, and shows some some of your raw literary talent. However, it some polishing up to really stand out. I intend to help you do that, as this really is a good piece. I will be listing my suggestions and corrections below:
1. One of the first things I noticed was that you haven't started a new paragraph every time a person speaks, which is necessary to be grammatically correct. The only time you don't start a new paragraph when someone speaks is when that part is a continuation of what the person has said before (Usually with the use of a comma in the earlier dialogue) like, for example: "I don't hate oranges," he said, "but I do hate apples."
Your paragraphs should be broken up. For example,
This paragraph should be broken up as below:
This paragraph is now grammatically correct. Also, in my opinion, it has become much easier to read and flows better. I have also corrected a few grammatical and tense errors, as well as eliminated a couple of unnecessary words. I also added a bit at the end to help to ease into the next scene.
2.I've noticed that you have missed a few punctuation marks in your piece. It's nothing big, and is a problem for many writers, but I just thought I'd alert you to it. For example,
Here, there should be a comma between 'asked' and 'adjusting'.
3. There are also a few places where you made a few minor grammatical errors, such as using punctuation marks in the wrong places. An example is:
This should be:
6.I've noticed that a lot of your paragraphs are rather large and feel a little clunky. Try using the corrections I've mentioned in 1., and as a general rule, try to space out your paragraphs. Break them up as much as you can. Five sentences should be the the maximum, but larger is okay for a dialogue. In school or work, they may ask for a certain number of paragraphs, so large ones are okay, but usually small is best.
7.
Here you used 'store' twice in quick succession. It would read better if you changed one of these to 'shop'.
8. Roy whispered.
I think this came a bit too sudden. It would read better if you ease into this scene with a sentence, or even a few words, like, for example:
8. There are a couple of wrong prepositions used. Once again, many writers often have these mistakes. I just thought I'd tell you. An example is:
Here, it should be 'in' not 'into'.
9.
Here, mentioning the colour of the wheel and the fact that it is a military vehicle is unnecessary and obstructs the fast pace and tension of the scene. Personally, I think that those two unnecessary details should be removed.
10.
This is rather sudden. I certainly feel that a man hole wouldn't be just lying open in the road without being noticed. Perhaps it would read better as:
11.
Two things here. First, personally, I believe that if he was racist, he would have shown some hesitation in going with them, as well as some behavior that would hint at his racist beliefs. Also, given his whiny behavior, 'racist' wouldn't quite cut it as an insult. Perhaps 'racist jerk' would serve the purpose better? However, these both are personal preferences.
In any case, besides the above, this a great beginning piece! I hope you continue to write this (Beyond what chapters you have, I mean). The errors, spacing and other things will be eliminated as you practice writing, using what I have mentioned. I'm sure once you correct these mistakes, your works will be appreciated as they should be. Keep writing!
Thank you for your post. Believe it or not. A lot of the spacing issue is from the paste into this site. My original actually has that first paragraph separated like you suggested. It just doesn't always take. Thank you for all of your help. I will look into these for later chapters (and there will be later chapters.
Hey,
so there is probably not much that I'm going to say that hasn't already been said by the other two reviewers and I'm way to lazy to read what they have to say so. But excuse my language by zombies are my shit! Like man i love the genre so much. I have written one on here that I only got to chapter two because no one was reading but i'm glad to see someone has finished one.
But to the story, the descriptions are very well done and the paragraphing is good as well. Um just basic revising would do okay with this but sense you're finished with this one i don't see the point unless you do. I like the characters I feel like they're brothers or just as close. But I don't know just a guess.
Overall I really liked this and I'll go and review your other chapters right now because why the hell not. so have a great night and keep writing those zombies.
-Zee
Hi! This is very good, an excellent start to a story that pulls us in and leaves us wanting more. It's short, but for a scene like this, that's good. No one wants to take their time during the zombie apocalypse. One of the few problems I can see with this is it feels a bit clunky. Some of the language and sentence structure needs work, and the punctuation. Having a tiny bit of violence was good, it showed us that the story will have gore in it, but nothing too outrageous at the beginning. Killing off a character introduced, named, and given a important role was a bit of a shock as well. Usually, this would be the character to suddenly join our main cast to add to it, but instead he was a quick side character and he was killed unexpectedly, which worked very well. Perhaps he could have stayed a bit longer before death for a larger shock, have them drive away and then have him suddenly die, but it worked perfectly well here. The only other thing I can say is that this story implies the apocalypse just started. How prepared are these men, and how okay are they with death? From what I'm getting here, I'd assume it's been a few weeks or a month, by their preparation and the amount of zombies. I'd clarify this a bit more clearly, and perhaps adjust the situation and the mens' mental states. I don't know if two random men can be so unruffled by someone being ripped in half, but if they have either seen death before or if the apocalypse has gone on longer, it would make sense. All in all, this was an excellent start to a longer story, and I'm looking forwards to reading more of it!
Well...Believe it or not. This is the start of the second chapter. The first chapter is called "It Was A Perfect Day" and it goes into the initial outbreak and addresses all of the questions you asked. It isn't portioned up like this one, but it does answer your questions.
Hello, this is very good, I hope to see much more in the future! And for my eyes, I didn't see anything that was bad grammar or written improperly. But awesome job.