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Young Writers Society


18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Z-Day: Nothing Is As It Seems ~ Chapter 3.2

by XxXTheSwordsmanXxX


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Word Count: 1606

Jerry turned around to see everyone in the back. “Roy and I are gonna clear this building. When we get back we're gonna take you guys to the range there and give you your first lesson in shooting.” Beth was about to protest but decided against it and crossed her arms. Jerry and Roy hoped out of the truck and headed to the front door. The clear glass was stenciled with BOB'S GUNS & AMMO in bold red letters.

“Hey Jerry,” Roy said. “You take point this time.”

“Take point?”

“You go first. What you said in the truck made a lot of sense. Should something happen to one of us someone else needs to be ready to take our place. I want you to clear the building this time. I'll back you up.” Jerry nodded. He took a deep breath to calm his nerves. He had never been point and shooting was pretty new to him still, but he had been the one to bring up the idea.

Opening the door, Jerry and Roy rushed in making a quick sweep over the room. “Looks empty. Let's check the back.” Jerry moved the way that Roy had been teaching him to clear rooms. Checking behind the counters for bodies or crazies. So far not a single sign of the dead.

“Does this feel off to you?” Roy asked in a hushed voice.

“Yeah, none of the guns are missing.” Jerry got to the door of the back room with Roy right behind him. Jerry didn't have time to try the handle. The door came down toward him with an older man gnashing his false teeth at him. Jerry quickly struck the man with the butt of his shotgun and fired a round that took off the top portion of his head. “Nicely done. You handled that perfectly. I've seen a lot of rookies freeze up when something jumps out at them like that.” Roy patted Jerry on the shoulder before the two of them checked the rest of the building. “Alright. Building is clear and we have a good three-sixty view of the area. Let's get shooting.”

Roy got everyone on line with a gun except for Beth who refused to touch one. Dragging out a bunch of ammo boxes from behind the counter, the small band of survivors began firing at the targets some distance away. The black metal cutouts would teeter as a bullet struck them with a solid rung. Little by little the group's aim got better and better. Jerry sat beside Beth with a freshly made bottle. “How you holding up?” he asked.

“Not bad,” Beth responded bouncing Marian a little. “I just wish people would stop pushing me to carry a gun.”

“It's the only safe way now,” Jerry said. “But I understand your hesitation about it.” He took Marian and quietly fed her the bottle. He smiled at the sight of her in the oversized ear protectors. She had fought with having them put on, but once she got comfortable with them she didn't want them off. Jerry idly wondered if the silence the gave her helped with dealing with the world.

“I do want to carry a weapon,” Beth said quietly. “I just... I won't be able to handle hurting someone again.”

“How about this then. When they're done and everyone is gone, you and I will go out and I'll show you how to shoot. Granted I'm not the best teacher since I don't really know how to shoot myself. But I'm a little gentler than Roy is.” Beth smiled and nodded. “Well let's start with the ground rules. Always treat a gun like its loaded and don't put your finger on the trigger until you are ready to shoot.”

“Yeah, that's the one I need to work on.”

“Don't worry. If you practice then it will be like second nature.”

“Alright guys. Reload your weapons,” Roy called out.

“Hey, Roy,” Jerry said walking up. “Let's break for lunch. Beth wants me to show her how to shoot.”

“Alright. Don't give her any bad habits now,” Roy took Marian and rocked her softly to sleep at he headed to the truck.

“Alright,” Jerry said motioning for Beth to join him. He pulled out his pistol and handed it to her. “Now, check it.” Beth pulled the slide a little and saw the little brass casing in the chamber. “Alright. Keep a good grip on the pistol and aim down the sights. Take your time. This is just practice right now.”

Beth stood there, her hands started shaking making aiming impossible. “I can't do this,” she said handing the pistol back.

“Yes you can. Here,” Jerry took out the clip and removed the round in the chamber. He handed her the unloaded gun. “You know I used to be all for the gun control law. I hated guns. I was convinced that the fact that we had guns was the reason for all the crime in our country. It's only been a week and now I can't imagine not having one.” Beth took the empty pistol and held it tight.

“Did all this really change your mind?”

“Not really. But they've saved my life several times. So I can't blame the gun for the crime. Load it.” Beth took the clip and slammed it in. Pulling the slide she launched a round into the chamber. “Now take aim, and when you're ready squeeze the trigger.” Beth took a deep breath trying to steady herself. Squeezing the trigger she was almost surprised when it went off. The black cutout teetered back and a fresh silver spot appeared in the middle of the head where her bullet struck. “Wow... first time shooting and you're already doing better than me.”

Beth giggled and handed the pistol back. “I think that's enough for me today.” Jerry nodded and holstered the pistol. The pair of them walked back to the building to set up their sleeping bags.

Roy sat cataloging the new ammo that had been gathered. Jerry sat outside and watched the sun set on the Texan desert. He grimaced after sipping from the cup of coffee in his hand. Now more than ever, he wished that he had his special brewer and expensive coffee. The old fashion way of the just dropping the beans in a pot and boiling them didn't pull out the real flavors left in it. Just the bitter flavor with a hint of coffee. Setting the cup down on the step he looked up at the stars. “Nice night,” Beth said sitting next to him.

“Yep,” Jerry remarked, “You don't see these many stars in the city.”

The two of them sat in silence for a while. Just listening to the peaceful wind that blew over the dry earth. “Thanks for showing me how to shoot,” Beth said quietly. “I just don't think I could ever do it when I needed to.”

“I didn't think I'd be able to either. But when you come to the point where it's either you or them, survival instincts just kick in.”

“I just feel useless. I don't have any medical training, or that much experience in shooting.”

“I was the general manager of an advertisement company. Just what qualifications do you think I have for this?” Beth laughed at his wisecrack. “Listen, everyone might not have been prepared for this; but no one is useless in these situations. Everyone has something that can be contributed.” Jerry patted her shoulder. “Let's get some shut eye. We still have a long drive ahead of us.” Jerry flung what was left of the watered down and bitter coffee to the dry, thirsty earth. Locking the door behind him, Jerry sat down on his sleeping bag and pulled off the heavy boots. Stretching out his toes he sighed as he let them breath.

“You're gonna kill someone with those things,” Sue-Anne said covering her nose in a joking manner.

“You just remember that if you decide you wanna try to muscle me out,” Jerry commented. He massaged his aching feet, not used to spending so much time up and about.

“Ain't gonna be any musclin'. Let me ask you somethin'. With everything that's been happenin', you still manage to hold yourself together. How do you do it?”

Jerry looked to Marian, who was sleeping soundly in his sleeping bag still wearing the oversized ear protection. “I found a reason to stay alive.”

“Must be nice. Wish I had somethin' like that.” Sue-Anne turned over and pulled the sleeping bag over her head. A moment later a soft snore came from the bag and would return in a long and steady rhythm.

“Some people can sleep in anything,” Roy said coming around the counter. “We got a lot more ammo from the store and several good guns and a few cheapy ones that we can give away.”

“Sounds like a plan. We doing a watch rotation or anything?” Jerry asked through a yawn.

“Doors closed on all sides, even doors that are between us and the outside doors. I think we're good to just rest for the night.” Roy patted Jerry on the shoulder before heading over to his sleeping mat.

Slipping into the sleeping bag with Marian he cradled her to his chest so that she would stay warm throughout the night. Gently placing a kiss on her head he wished her sweet dreams and happiness.


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Sun Jul 31, 2016 1:20 pm
BrumalHunter wrote a review...



Salutations again.

Now that I've read the first part of the chapter, I shall be able to provide slightly more feedback on the characterisation. I shall, of course, still provide general impresions too.


I had to reread the concluding paragraphs of the previous part before I understood whence the shooting range had come. Just as a note on how shooting ranges work, they generally have a siren to warn people when someone will be shooting down the range. Perhaps you can include that the next time? Now, on to this part.

I often wondered when you should start a new paragraph if the current one contains dialogue. Eventually, I concluded the dialogue should be in a paragraph of its own, with only text relevant to the dialogue standing beside it. This obviously includes what I call "dialogue tags" (such as "he said", "she asked", etc.), but it becomes difficult including anything after that. I may also include the actions of character who just spoke, but the actions and especially dialogue of other characters belong in their own paragraph. What counts in an essay counts here too, to an extent, namely that a paragraph should contain only one idea or theme.

After reading about half of this part, I realised your writing is very articulated. The dialogue and the actions don't mesh smoothly. For example, Marian seems to be passed around a lot, yet she doesn't make a single movement or sound. And when Roy takes her to the truck, Jerry and Beth are suddenly alone. Where did the other characters go? How did they feel about leaving? Were they relieved, tired, stressed? At the moment, it feels like you're merely moving from one set of actions and dialogue to another and neglecting the presence of the non-essential characters.

The fluidity isn't the only thing bothering me. The characters talk a lot, but what they do afterwards strikes me as... well, boring. The characters speak, they do something, then they speak to somebody else. What I mean to say is that you could work on the ambience. How does the shooting range's atmosphere differ from that of all the other places where they have been? I don't mean just the building, but the surrounding environment too. You could also include more emotion in their actions. Beth is shaking when handling the pistol, but is it out of fear of what it can do or out of nervousness at the prospect of using it? Her giggling after what Jerry said is out of place, though. The emotions need to be appropriate to the context.


This part is as well-written as the previous one, but I still see many of the same errors. Be sure to check what you write regularly. Other than that, the cast seems to have had a bit of luck. It might last, but it might not. There are some opportunities here plot-wise, but remember that while characters die very easily in post-apocalyptic settings, you shouldn't kill them off without a clear idea of why you want to do it.


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Wed Jun 29, 2016 3:08 pm
StarGazer wrote a review...



Hi! I really, really, really liked this section. It was extremely strong. Not much was happening story-wise, but character-wise, this was the strongest part yet.

What you're doing to Beth is really nice. Not everyone is ready to pick up a gun an go off to fight, especially if you already killed a friend doing that. But she still understands that she'll have to fight and is trying to work past it. In a lot of books, they have one character that absolutely refuses to pick up a weapon or hurt someone, even when their lives are in danger. While it may be a part of their character, human survival instinct is extremely strong. Seeing someone who doesn't want to fight but knows she must is a nice deviation from this path.

In addition, her relationship with Jerry is strong. He's taking a role as almost the leader of the group. Him staying alive for Marian is an excellent reason. He's lost his family, but now he gained a new one and he'll do anything to protect her. Obviously, this will have to lead to something happening to Marian, even if she doesn't die. Jerry has had a lot of development over these sections. He seems much more of a person now instead of just a shell.

Teaching the others how to shoot was a good idea. So far, we've seen that everyone just randomly knows how. Anyone can shoot a gun, but there's a difference between shooting and being a good shot. This lends the story more reality. My one critique is how did Jerry learn to shoot? Did Roy teach him or did he just learn over time? If he was pro gun control before this, he probably had no experience, but now he's rather good at it. I'd like to see how that happened. Other then that, it was excellent!






Remember the beginning of Chapter 2: Load Up? Jerry was shooting at glass bottles with a pistol in a field. On top of that, he is using a shotgun most of the time. Not a lot of skill needed for that. Just point and shoot.




I communicate much better on paper than I do when I open my mouth.
— Aaron Sorkin