Young Writers Society

Heeey there, XxPheonixKittenxX!! With3r3dros3 here to give you a review!! This is the first time I've come across your work and I'm insanely excited to review it!!

Can I just say WOW? This poem is just amazing! There was so much emotion going on and I truly felt it. This poem is insanely relatable. I actually love how much detail you put in this because details help the emotion so much!

One thing that didn't quite make sense to me when I read it was this:

"I swallow my words down,

As if I were choking on the water,

That falls late at night,

In the silent darkness of a cold room."

Hello, I'm just stopping by to say that I like this a lot, especially how you expressed so many feelings that come with the loss of someone. And I love the way you used capital letters even though I usually don't appreciate the usage of caps lock in poems

I think this would be great when presented like slam poetry because its so strong and dramatic (in the best way)

good luck with your writing!!

I think you can make it a little shorter. But it is amazing.

You did an amazing job at getting across your emotions through the descriptive imagery of the piece. It is a very relatable piece with a strong foundation. While you did dig very deep in some parts, to make it even stronger I would suggest that you elaborate about the part where it says "full of my own demons". Perhaps describe what is so tormenting about them and what the do to plague you in the "isolated world". Are they your inner thoughts? Are they people who have broken your heart like the person whom the poem is about? Also, your opening could be more enticing. Instead of just saying "my heart breaks in memory of you" SHOW it by saying "the agonizing memories of you shatter my heart into thousands of shards, each cutting me deeper as I try to put them back together". You are a great writer as this piece shows and your use of emotional words and repetition really bring this piece to life.

I really love how emotional and dramatic this is! I have a few suggestions. In some parts of this, you are rhyming, but in the majority of the parts, you stop rhyming. You should try re writing this with no rhyme and see if it's better. The rhythm could also be improved. I know it isn't that big of a deal, but it would also be nice to have the correct capitalisation as well. Where you say, "Shaking on consonants." You could maybe use a different word to further show how it hurts. like, "breaking." or falling.
I hope my review helps and I really like your poem!