My heart breaks in the memory of you,
Being tricked by your poisonous KISS,
The addiction of your affection,
Asking the same question,
“What did I do wrong?
You can’t tell me I did nothing,
It’s so OBVIOUS I did SOMETHING!
Why won’t you tell me?”
I feel abandoned without your love,
I feel broken without your smile.
I’m so afraid to ask questions,
Because I know you lie.
You lie to make me HAPPY.
But I know the truth.
Instead of telling YOU the truth,
I swallow my words down,
As if I were choking on the water,
That falls late at night,
In the silent darkness of a cold room.
Choking on vowels,
Shaking on consonants.
It hurts!
Breaking down so much because of the memories.
It feels like you’re taking a hammer to my fragile heart,
And just SMASHING it!
Pieces fly away,
Like a bird flies south for the winter.
It makes me anxious, afraid, weak.
So I start hiding in an isolated world,
Full of my own demons.
I feel too HELPLESS.
I feel so Hopeless.
The warm embrace of your touch,
Reminded me so much of a warm summer day,
Where the thunder storms ROAR!
As you start to break away from me.
I feel the tears run down,
My soft rose-painted cheeks,
I know...
I LOST you...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Heeey there, XxPheonixKittenxX!! With3r3dros3 here to give you a review!! This is the first time I've come across your work and I'm insanely excited to review it!!
Can I just say WOW? This poem is just amazing! There was so much emotion going on and I truly felt it. This poem is insanely relatable. I actually love how much detail you put in this because details help the emotion so much!
One thing that didn't quite make sense to me when I read it was this:
I didn't really understand it because where would water fall late at night in a cold room? But then again, it's a simile to swallowing your words down. It's your choice to change that or not, it was just me that didn't understand it.
The flow and structure of your poem are pretty nice. I like how it's not in stanzas and everything is in individual lines, but I do think the poem would flow more nicely if it were in stanzas, but it's okay as it is.
I love the way you closed the poem. Three words can show A LOT of emotion! Also, I like how you capitalized the word "lost" because it emphasizes the fact that you lost something so much!
Okay, I think this is the end of my review! I hope it helped you some! Can't wait to see what you publish in the future.
Keep writing and best of luck!
xo. With3r3dros3
Hello, I'm just stopping by to say that I like this a lot, especially how you expressed so many feelings that come with the loss of someone. And I love the way you used capital letters even though I usually don't appreciate the usage of caps lock in poems
I think this would be great when presented like slam poetry because its so strong and dramatic (in the best way)
good luck with your writing!!
I think you can make it a little shorter. But it is amazing.
You did an amazing job at getting across your emotions through the descriptive imagery of the piece. It is a very relatable piece with a strong foundation. While you did dig very deep in some parts, to make it even stronger I would suggest that you elaborate about the part where it says "full of my own demons". Perhaps describe what is so tormenting about them and what the do to plague you in the "isolated world". Are they your inner thoughts? Are they people who have broken your heart like the person whom the poem is about? Also, your opening could be more enticing. Instead of just saying "my heart breaks in memory of you" SHOW it by saying "the agonizing memories of you shatter my heart into thousands of shards, each cutting me deeper as I try to put them back together". You are a great writer as this piece shows and your use of emotional words and repetition really bring this piece to life.
I really love how emotional and dramatic this is! I have a few suggestions. In some parts of this, you are rhyming, but in the majority of the parts, you stop rhyming. You should try re writing this with no rhyme and see if it's better. The rhythm could also be improved. I know it isn't that big of a deal, but it would also be nice to have the correct capitalisation as well. Where you say, "Shaking on consonants." You could maybe use a different word to further show how it hurts. like, "breaking." or falling.
I hope my review helps and I really like your poem!