Scared by XxPheonixKittenxX — Other

Hey there XxPhoenixKittenxX, whatever the heck that's supposed to mean. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
I haven't reviewed for awhile, so excuse the rude attitude and jokes. Or you know what? It never bothered anyone before. If you have any issues with this review, take it up with the Returns department.

Let me just start off, going into this review so you know everything, that I don't really like your poem much. That's just my opinion and yes it is influencing a bit of this review but most of it is just honest advice on how this could be helped.

Second, the line splits are really funky to me. It's like sometimes a whole sentence is on a line and the next, it's split over three lines. I get the need for variety but it just reads a bit funky. Also the full line spaces affect the formatting, so you might want to look at some of the YWS publishing center formatting guides. I know for poetry (and stuff similar to it), single line spaces can be done with 'shift + enter'.
Stanzas would also be helpful for your work because right now everything flows together a bit much for me. If you can't get the single line spaces to work, put a period or one of these '~' or something in between stanzas. Just really any form of punctuation.

Third, judging from the way you have worded this, I can recognize little separate stanza-like things. So I'm just going to copy down some groups of lines and do individual comments on them. If any of these groupings are mistakes, feel free to point them out to me.

That moment you realize, you could lose everything within a few seconds.
Whether it be to a car crash,
or maybe a disease.
There's no telling whats going to happen.

1. Personally I would recommend putting lines 2 and 3 together and ditching the comma, so that this line can match the formatting of the others. You use pretty short sentences so it's okay to put them all on one line, at least that's what I would do.
2. The opening line isn't great either because it doesn't really catch the reader's attention. It's a way too overused message and just tips the reader off right away to what this story will be. Some sappy reflection of love lost to some horrible tragedy. Tragedies are tragedies and get written about a lot but I didn't find anything in your piece to make it different. But love is something hard to write since it is sooo overused in every literary format.

Moving on to the second 'stanza'.

Yet, for some reason,
I'm more scared of losing the one keeping me alive...
instead of the possible deaths that could occur any minute.

1. Split line is fine at this one because they are of medium length and justify two lines. Would you please do one thing, if it's the only advice you take, and get rid of the ellipsis. I'm sorry and I tried to be understanding but in such a short poem, you don't need three sets of them right next to each other. And the context you are using them for isn't good either. In two out of the three spots the ellipsis would be better replaced with a comma or nothing at all.
2. One good thing, your context actually further supports your title. Nice touch tying it back here and not leaving that one extra loose string.

Third group of words.

All I can really think about,
is keeping him by my side.
I've changed so much...
For him.

1. This is another spot where it would probably be better to combine some of the lines to make them a bit longer and not so funky to read. The commas don't work very well anyways so it reads the same whether the lines are separated or not.
2. The cliche is starting to build a bit at this point and the poem is becoming tiresome despite its short length.

Closing line.

I'm not ready to lose the one I love the most...

1. Judging from the tone the narrator has already lost their love? I guess that's a fair assumption to make since the whole thing is written like a reflection or eulogy or something. It's an okay ending to an okay poem but nothing really pops at me or makes me want to know more about what is going on.
2. I'm guessing the ellipsis were used here as a sort of 'our love will never end' but I think it hurts more than helps. Just saying.

Alright that's all I have. I started this review early this morning and I've been slowly adding on comments throughout the day.
Happy Sunday.
Happy Halloween
Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs

Hello @XxPheonixKittenxX,

I could really relate to this piece. Some people have a deep fear of things like the dark, or fire, but I was always afraid of loss. So you words, here, really spoke to me.

So this was free verse, I gather? It felt well executed, and read sort of like a stream of conscious.

"That moment you realize, you could lose everything within a few seconds.

Whether it be to a car crash,

or maybe a disease."

I would probably have made a few punctuation-related alterations here, such as removing the period after 'seconds'.

"There's no telling whats going to happen."

Pardon my nitpick: I think you might mean "what's"? As it what-is?

"Yet, for some reason,

I'm more scared of losing the one keeping me alive...

instead of the possible deaths that could occur any minute.

All I can really think about,

is keeping him by my side.

I've changed so much...

For him.

I'm not ready to lose the one I love the most..."

You do an excellent job of capturing this fear, and packaging it so that a reader will feel it too. This was an emotional read for me. This piece brought me back to several years go, when my father battled cancer: I lived in fear that he wouldn't be around for the next week, the next day, the next hour. It was frightening.

Exceptional work, PheonixKitten. (Also, nice username.

I look forward to seeing more of your work here on YWS! Keep writing. You are quite talented.

Feel free to PM me if you need anything.

-mav

Mavis Knightley
www.mavisknightley.weebly.com

Scared

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