I'm standing in a hospital hallway. My clothes are replaced with a hospital gown. All the lights are off except the one above me. I look around but I see nothing but the walls surrounding me on my sides and the darkness in front and behind me. I took a deep breath threw my nose breathing the smells of pills and medicine. I quickly covered my mouth so I wouldn't puke all over myself. Once the nausea subsided I examined my hand, I was pale like usual but the luminescent light made me look like a ghost.
As the thought of what's happening finally began to sink in my stomach twisted into an unhumanly knot. I clenched the cloth covering my stomach and whispered to myself "What's going on?" My curiosity got the best of me and took over my body, forcing my feet forward. Pain tore threw my legs making me crash to the ground. Tears streamed down my face as I uttered "What the hell" I gazed down at my legs and feet. My ankle was twisted disgustingly towards the right and both my legs were bruised green and purple. How was I standing, I heard a slight metallic ting to my left, when I peered over to see what it was. To my surprise there was an old wheel chair. I pulled myself up into it in pain. I sat there trying to remember what happened, how did I get here? Remember, remember remeber. Nothing. Completely and utterly nothing.
I slammed my fist down into the arm rest as I yelled out in frustration. I stared down into my lap trying to focus harder on my thoughts. My shaggy bangs fell over my eyes like a veil over a bride. That's when I heard it. A slow hushed electrical beep. It sounded like the type you'd here from a heart monitor. I shot my head up in shock. "Where is that coming from?!" I was just getting ready to move the wheel chair forward when I stopped dead in my tracks, my eyes got wide and my breathing slowed. What if I'm in a coma..? Tears welted up in my eyes I held them back and pushed the chair violently forward but when I got into the dark my feet slammed into a wall. I screamed out in agony, the tears I held back before poured out of my eyes and my leg became numb. My eyes slowly began to shut, I fought against it but there was no use, my eyes gently glided shut.
When I woke up I was back where I began but this time I was in the wheel chair and there was a dull metal door to my left and an observer window to my right. But there was something else that was different, but I couldn't tell what it was. I began to slowly move towards the wall I had run into last time. Before I was totally enclosed in darkness I stopped, and squinted my eyes just enough so I could see the big white barracade. My eyes widened and fear made it's way into my stomach, carved into the wall were the words "You're never getting out of here."
I sat there paralyzed by fear. Did I do that? Or was it someone else ..or something else. I rotated myself around, unsure of what to do until I remember the door I saw when I came to. With a few pushes I was in front of the door, I tried turning the cold nob but it wouldn't budge. I pounded my fist down onto the smooth side of it making a muffled slamming sound, tears began to fall from my eyes, this was my last chance to be get out of this silent hell, I didn't no what else to do. I slouched back into the chair and wiped my eye's and took a deep breath. I heard a loud click followed by muffled crying behind me. I turned myself around to see the observer widow glowing with four people inside the box like room. There was girl laying on a hospital bed, legs in casts face covered in cuts and bruises, with an older women sitting in a chair, crying into her hands and a young girl sitting on the bed violently crying, a doctor stood at the door of the room poker-faced. The women looked strangely familiar to me and so did the girl, my eyes widened when I realized what I was looking at. The women was my mom the younger girl was my girlfriend and the girl.. The girl was me. Everything went black.
I was standing in the middle of the hallway, everything felt numb, I was staring straight forward at a big dull mirror. The numb feeling was replaced by shock, as I eyed the mirror I realized I had no eyes just black dark holes, and there was a dark cracky voice running threw my head.. There's no escape .. There's no escape
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Wow. This is a super creepy story. I wasn't expecting the ending. So this the girl like a ghost who's just haunting that place? Nice one. Okay, so let's get down to business shall we? First of all, I want to point out what I liked. I like the idea behind it. It definitely wasn't what I was expecting. It was far from the patient that waked up on the operating table in the middle of his/her surgery, surrounded by deranged killers, and having his/her organs pulled out and replaced with robot pieces. (Weird, right? lol). I like the ending. I also liked the narration. I like how you made the main character take the time to described what she's wearing and how she's feeling. One thing I would've liked is that you would've put in more: 'Where am I? How did I get here? Where is this place? Is anybody here? I'm scared, I'm anxious, I'm nervous, etc.' I would assume that anybody in this situation would be more inquisitive about their surroundings and feelings mixture or a some strong feelings about what she's going through. Overall, i think this is a very well written story and I had a blast reading this. Nice job my friend! -IceWinifredd
Thanks a lot and ya I wanted to write more but I couldn't figure out a way to incorporate those into the writing plus I wrote this in math when I suppose to be studying so ya. Thank you for reading and liking it ~The Written Girl
You're very welcome. Thanks for posting! It's a great read for 9 in the morning (here) lol.
Have a great day!
Haha your welcome and you to
Hey!!
Nonetheless, it would still make sense if it was intentional!
So, I am really looking forward to the horror part!! Not many things do scare me or give me a true sense of fright. Maybe this piece will!
In the first paragraph where you said "I look around but I see nothing but the walls surrounding me on my sides and the darkness in front and behind me." Did you mean or could you have meant, "Darkness in front OF and behind me"? I personally just sort of think it sounds better this way but changing it is just a suggestion.
After that sentence in the first paragraph, your tense changed. This changed the whole thing. I think that maybe it was more intense and way more emotional in present tense.
In the second paragraph, the first sentence, after sink in, there should be a comma. Also, where you said, "pain tore threw my legs." I think it should be through instead of threw. In the third sentence from the end of that paragraph, you made an honest typo. The last remember is missing an 'm'. No biggy.
In the third paragraph, I loooove the metaphors! But, I'm sad to say, when you said, "tears welted up in my eyes" did you mean they welled up?
Fourth paragraph................O_o. Wow. Just, wow. That.......was.......awesome!!
Woooooowww....that needing, though!!
Great piece, though!
Keep writing!!,
~Tiff
Thanks, and yea sorry I'm not that good with past tense stuff, but thank you so much
Welcome
It rely is a great story, there are so many talented writers on here!
Hey!!!
I love reading horror but dont find true horror much!!! Looking forward to this!!!

Im going to try and keep up with this whole novel! There is more coming right? Looking forward to reading more! Good luck with editing! I hope I was helpful!
Josie here for a review! Im excited about reviewing this post cause Im very interested in this horror part!!!
About halfway through the first paragraph you changes from present tense to past tense!!! Just look at that and tweak on or the other!!!
"As the thought of what's happening finally began to sink in my stomach twisted into an unhumanly knot." * Need a coma after "sink in"
"I was just getting ready to move the wheel chair forward when I stopped dead in my tracks, my eyes got wide and my breathing slowed." * Stopping dead in her tracks?! She is in a wheel chair at this time so that doesnt really make sense!!! :/ just see if you can reword that or something!!!
Oh yeah! Kinda spooky especially there at the end talking about her eyes!!! Im really looking forward to more!
Josie
Thanks Josie, and no, I'm at the moment I'm not writing a "sequel" to it I usually end my writings like that because I'm not very good at closure but thank you so so much. Bye!
awesome!
haha leaves you in suspense but then again I just finished watching Hunger games MockingJay a little while ago!
looking forward to the sequel!!!
How was it!
How was it!
awful!!!
haha I loved it but you know how they end those movies... its killing me!!!
haha
Haha ya