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Sarah and the pink bunny Twiki: Chapter four

by WriterSister33


- When you're leaving, there is a boat down by the ocean. Sarah’s dad said.

- And Twiki, you watch her! Don`t let her get in danger, and not yourself either.

- Yes, I will chief. They hugged, and went down to the ocean

.- This is the start of a new chapter. Twiki said

- Yes, it is.

Suddenly Sarah turned around and ran back to their house. She took the map and the compass with her.

Then they drew over the ocean, and waved to the people of Tahi

. - There is no turning back now. Twiki said with a strong voice.

- No, it's not.

When they came to the main land they hid the boat between some bushes.

- I am sorry Twiki, but I don`t think they have talking animals here.

- What! Does that mean that I am not allowed to talk, for 40 days?

- No, you can talk when you are completely sure that we're alone.

- Okey, thats fine. Twiki said. What were they going to do now, Sarah thought.

- Actually I don`t think they even have little pink bunny’s as pet`s. Sorry Twiki.

- It`s okey. Twiki said with disappointment in his voice. Sarah hid him in her jacket so that he could see a little

.- Let`s go to a shop so I can get a bike or something.

- Pllliingelliingelliiiing. the doorbell too the bike shop rang.

- Hello, how may I help you? said the woman behind the disk.

- I would like to get a bike.Sarah said as friendly as she could.

- Would you like one of these? They have abasket in the front where you can have your luggage.

- Oh, that`s perfect. Thank you.

- Your welcome, would you like to pay with cash or credit card? she asked.

- Cash, Sarah said, while she taking out the money from her bag.

- Thank you, have a nice day!

- you too, good bye!Sarah went out with the bike and put the luggage into the basket in front.

- She was nice, don`t you think? Twiki asked.

- We are on the street Twiki, be quiet.

- Oops sorry, my mouth is closed from now on.

- Good. They both laughed a little. Sarah started cycling down the street, and she could feel the wind through her hair.

When she cycled down the road she saw a lot of different types of shop's. The food market, a hair dresser, a book store and a clothes store.

After a while had they come to a little lake, but instead of driving around it, Sarah cycled over a little rock and pour out in the lake. Sarah just fell on the edge of the lake and got the bike out on the ground again. Then Twiki jumped out of the pocket and said to Sarah: "Well that was a traumatic experience! What's next?" But before Sarah could answer him, he said fussy: "See! See! There is a girl on the other side of the lake! It looks like she is lying on the water!" "Yes! Now jump into my pocket again and I'll drive over there." Twiki got into Sarah's pocket and she cycled around the lake. 


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Sat Jan 12, 2019 1:09 pm
Shikora wrote a review...



Hi, Shikora here with a review.

You know how much I love reading your story so I'm going to jump right into the review.

After a while had they come to a little lake, but instead of driving around it, Sarah cycled over a little rock and pour out in the lake. Sarah just fell on the edge of the lake and got the bike out on the ground again. Then Twiki jumped out of the pocket and said to Sarah: "Well that was a traumatic experience! What's next?" But before Sarah could answer him, he said fussy: "See! See! There is a girl on the other side of the lake! It looks like she is lying on the water!" "Yes! Now jump into my pocket again and I'l drive over there." Twiki got into Sarah's pocket and she cycled around the lake.

It was really nice having this amount of description, and telling us was Sarah is doing at the end of the chapter. It drew me into your world really well, but the chapter ended, so what I'm trying to say is that you should have more of this through out your chapter. This is what I've been trying to tell you for a wile now, but it really helps me that you have done it yourself, so you can see what you need to do, because this added such a nice touch to the chapter. I mean you could have something like this at the beginning of the chapter, you know Sarah and her family gathering together and saying good by, you know the look on their faces, something like that would be nice.

But other then that, it was nice that you left the chapter in the cliff hanger it was a cool twist. As much as I would like to go into grammar and spelling, i'm afraid I'm not very good at that, except the letter in bold at the top you need to spell it like this, I'll. Other then that I didn't see anything.
This story of yours is moving along really nicely and I can't wait for the next chapter. I really liked reading and reviewing this chapter for you, never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
Shikora. :D






Hey! Thanks for the review:) I didn%u2019t kniw how to spell I%u2019ll, so thank you for helping me out;)



Shikora says...


Your welcome.






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Fri Jan 11, 2019 9:40 pm
Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey there! Care for a review?

I haven't read the previous parts, I'm just going to review this based on what I see in this chapter. c: This is a cool story! I love bunnies, and a talking bunny is even better! I do wonder how the bunny can talk and how Sarah came upon Twiki, but I'm sure you've explained that in previous chapters already. I also wonder why they went on that boat ride!

- When you're leaving, there is a boat down by the ocean. her dad said.


So I know this is the forth chapter, and by now we'd have been introduced to the main character. But at the very beginning of a chapter, there still needs to be sorta the name of the character who's in the interaction given- instead of simply "her". I'm not really sure how to explain it, but it just sounds odd- and is a bit confusing, because we didn't know there was a "her" there. And with beginnings of things (even beginnings of chapters) it's always good to be as clear as possible, because usually the beginnings of stories are the most confusing- as the reader sorta waits for the scene to be set.

she asked wisely.


Something I noticed was that there were quite a few tags on the end of dialogue. Now, some tags are really important (he/she/they said is SUPER important so as not to confuse the reader as to who is talking), but some tags can sometimes just slow the story down, and read a little funny. Instead of saying "she asked wisely" show us how she was wise. You can do this simply in the words your characters choose to say, or with their body language, or the tone they say it, etc! It means a lot more to the reader when they see what a character is like for themselves, then simply reading that they're that way. So my advice is to aim to do a little less of the extravagant dialogue tags, and do a bit more of showing us those things in other ways. c:

The other thing I wanted to mention quick is the formatting. Judging from your comment below, you've already had people suggest to put dialogue in quotes ("). But I also wanted to bring up the use of italics in this piece. Italics are fun, but I don't think they're really meant to be the meat and bone of format. It's a little odd to read something that's entirely in italics- but maybe that's just me. I also like saving italics for emphasis, because emphasis is awesome. But again, maybe that's just me? I thought I would point it out, in any case. :D

In any case, keep it up! I'm curious to see where this bunny and girl will go and what they will do! They seem like great characters with a great friendship! And I feel like they have a bigger purpose going where they went, then simply going for a bike ride. :D

-Holysocks






Hey! Thanks for reviewing my story. I have changed a few things, but I didn%u2019t understand what you ment by italics and emphasis though:)



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Fri Jan 11, 2019 4:37 pm
Fantascifi66 says...



Suddenly Sarah turned around and ran back to their house. She took the map and the compass with her.

They drew over the ocean, and waved to the people of Tahi

Umm... Whaaaaaaa?






Oh, ehhh... changeing it now



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Fri Jan 11, 2019 4:35 pm
Fantascifi66 says...



Wow, this was quick!




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Fri Jan 11, 2019 4:28 pm
WriterSister33 says...



just so you know. I have started with " instead. I hope that won't be a problem:)





Get ready to laugh: because my main critique is that you need to put a meter on this.
— Lumi