Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy


Sarah and the pink bunny Twiki: Chapter 3

by WriterSister33


Sarah, her parents and the village people were dancing around and having fun. But where was Twiki? He was going into Sarah`s cabin and were searching for something, but for what? He was of course looking for the mystery box!

He opened it and he saw a...

- Twiki! What are you doing? I missed you at the party. Why are you in my room anyway?

- N-no ehh... re-as-son, I jus...

- What is behind you back? Let me see.

- No, eh... it`s your.. eh... birthday present.

- So? Todays my birthday... .

- You're eh... getting it later.

- Oh, okay. But are you coming with me back to the party?

- Yeah, sure. I will be out in a minute.

- Okay, see ya. Sarah said as she walked out of the room.

Twiki gently put the box where it was, and walked out of the room. All he could think about was that he couldn’t remember what was in the box because Sarah scared him when she suddenly came in.

The morning after, Sarah woke up with a smile on her face. She was very happy, 'cause she could go out and see the world. She opened the box and found a compass and a map. She was thrilled over the things and couldn’t wait to explore the world! She went to wake up Twiki, and told him what a wonderful day it was. Twiki was already awake. He wanted cherries, you now the ones that Sarah promised he would get. For breakfast it was an old tradition that the day after a birthday they would make her her favorite meal. Sarah`s favorite was waffles with fresh berries and chocolate sauce, so that`s what she got. 

Under the breakfast Sarah`s mom said :

- Since you are going on your chief trip we have a little gift for you. and It's the same gift your dad got for his chief trip, her mom said.



Sarah opened the gift and found a wallet filled with dollars so she would have money for the trip, there was also a journal so she could write down everything that happens, and a little box filled with paper and envelope’s, three pencils and a roll with stamps so she could write to them and tell how it was.

- Thank you! Sarah said.

- Oh honey, you don’t have to thank us, the only thing that matters is that you take care of yourself and continue to be the girl you've always been. her mom said with tears in her eyes.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
155 Reviews


Points: 4632
Reviews: 155

Donate
Fri Jan 11, 2019 3:16 pm
FireSpyGirl wrote a review...



Love it! Especially the ending! So cute!!! So the two other reviews already pointed everything out, so I'm afraid I don't have much to say. Sorry! I do love the work you put into these chapters though! You definitely have talent for writing, and I am looking forward to more from you, especially the next chapter!

Keep up the good work!

Your friend,
SpyGirl.






thank you!!!!



User avatar
309 Reviews


Points: 16980
Reviews: 309

Donate
Fri Jan 11, 2019 6:45 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello Shikora here with a review.

Let's get right to it.

It's been a really long time since I've seen you post any of your work, so when I saw the name of your story, i came and read it right away. I really like how everything is coming along. Sarah is finally going to go out and see the world, so that's really exciting.
Your story is moving along really nicely, but I did see a few things I will point out in a second. I think your moving the plot along nice and slowly, and that's really good you don't want to move to fast.
If I'm honest with you it would have been nicer if you made your chapter a bit longer, but that could be me wanting to keep on reading.

Now down to the review.

The first two things I saw was two spelling mistakes. I'll point them out now.

Oh, okey

The word in bold you spell like this, okay.

This is the same mistake as the last.
Okey, see ya.

These mistakes were very small and can be fixed quickly.
Now the next thing, it's up to you to decide is you want to do it, it's just something I feel like I should point out, because it makes it easier for the reader to read your story.

The way you make your sentences when someone is talking. I find it very hard to see if they are talking of not. You should write them like this.

He opened it and he saw a... "Twiki! What are you doing, I missed you at the party. Why are you in my room anyway?"

These marks " Yelps us as the reader to see that someone is talking, with out them it's a bit harder, but we will work it out.
And again that is all up to you to change or not.

The next thing is something I want to point out.
I see that you don't really have any description in your story, and that a big thing, because it helps us the read be able to see the work you see. With out the description, it's a bit hard and we don't connect to the characters as well. If your having a hard time doing that, then just keep these things in mind, sound, feel, smell and sight. try and put some of those things into your chapters, and it will help us the reader get to be more interested in your book.

Well that's it from me for now. I'm glad I got the read and review your great chapter, I'm sure with a little more work it will be good enough to publish. I hope to see more of your works on YWS, and never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
Shikora. :D






Hey! thanks writing a review! the reason that i write "okey" is that in norwegian we write it like that, so i just often forget it:) i know that you could write" but I just wanted to try it out:) I create a new line every place were someone says anything:) WriterSis.





Okay! Look forward to the next chapter.



User avatar
26 Reviews


Points: 137
Reviews: 26

Donate
Thu Jan 10, 2019 9:43 pm
Fantascifi66 wrote a review...



Hey!
Fanta here too review!
Yay!!! A continuation!! Let's get right into the review, shall we?

Speeling mistakes, suggestions and punctuation

Now, there are a few spelling mistakes.
Who am I kidding, I can just write in Norwegian to you!
Ok, så som jeg sa, har du skrevet noen ting feil. Det er ikke noen store feil, bare småting som jeg likeså godt kunne ha gjort.

"He was going into Sarah`s cabin and where searching for something, but for what?"

Her skal det ikke være "where", men "were". Veldig enkel feil å gjøre (jeg gjør det veldig mye *gråter på grunn av grammatikken min*).

"Twiki gently put the box there it was,"

Det skal egentlig være "where" ikke "there", men jeg tror du vet det og bare ikke så feilen. Les alltid gjennom!!

"He wanted cherry`s,"

Cherries!

"wallet filled with dollar"

"Dollars" i flertall!

Ok, nå til forslag.

Dette gjelder faktisk hele teksten, og det er at du ikke burde bruke sideskrift hele tiden! Du kan bruke det når du forteller en historie, når karakteren tenker, etc.
Du burde ihvertfall ta det bort når en person snakker. Og der har vi overgangen til mitt andre forslag.

Du bruker streker som tegn på at noen snakker, og det er helt greit, men det er litt vanskelig å se når teksten slutter. Det var det som irriterte meg litt når jeg lånte en norsk bok av deg som vi skulle lese i timen,
(sky tempelet eller noe) fordi det var så slitsomt!!
Det er ikke så farlig, men kunne du tatt et eller annet tegn for at dialogen er ferdig?

Ok, nå til faktiske deler av teksten.

He opened it and he saw a...- Twiki! What are you doing, I missed you at the party. Why are you in my room anyway?

Her anbefaler jeg at du tar en bindestrek etter "a", og bare dropper punktumene, og så putter du dialogen på neste linje. Dialogen kan du også endre litt på. Min første reaksjon hvis noen hadde rotet inne i rommet mitt hadde vært "Hva gjør du?!?" eller noe lignende, så jeg synes du skal ta den delen først. Da blir det sånn:

"- Twiki! What are you doing? Why are you in my room? I missed you at the party."

Kanskje ikke så mye bedre? Meh, du bestemmer.
Neste!

"you now the ones that Sarah promised he would get."

Her kan du bare droppe "You now" (know).

Det var noen få andre ting også, men det var mer småting, og jeg er for trøtt til å fortsette, så det var alt jeg hadde for idag.

Ses!

Fanta





As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.
— Andrew Carnegie