Once upon a time on the island Tahi, between the trees there was a village called Sumiré.
You could se little kids running around in the gardens, and people who where gardening. Around the village there was beautiful and high trees with pretty flowers. But, if you see closer to the cherry tree you could see a young girl sitting high up between the branches. She was gorgeous. She had light purple hair, a green flower dress and a beautiful flower wreath. But the girl looked sad and she just looked out over the ocean. Then suddenly a little pink bunny climbed up the tree and jumped into the girl's lap.
And here is where the story begins.
- Oh, Twiki, why did you come up here? You are afraid of heights! Sarah said.
- Y-ye-ah, i kno-w. When a friend like you, Sarah, is alone and sad, I must defy my fears!
- Oh, Twiki.
- B-b-ut h-ow hi-gh a-are we tal-ki-ng abo-ut? A-and I fe-el that this br-anch is ve-ry loose.
- See, Twiki?! You have to get down again before you pass out! Don’t you remember the last time, when you climbed up a ladder? Sarah said with a smile.
- Oh, yeah, thats right. Wait. One, two, one, two, hey! I have stopped stammering! Twiki said pleased.
- Yes, you have, Sarah said.
- So Sarah, why are you so sad? And why are you sitting up here all by yourself? Twiki asked.
- I just, I just long to sail over the ocean and see the world we can’t get to!
- Wooow, that was poetic, Sarah. But why do you wanna go away from Tahi? This is a wonderful island!? And why now? It’s soon you 13th birthday, and thats your most important birthday! Have you forgotten about the ritual and that you will get the chief crown? Twiki said.
- Sarah! Twiki! Come down, its dinner! her mom said. - Come on Twiki, didn’t you heard what my mom said?
- O-h ye-s, I h-h-ea-rd tha-t, it`s j-ust th-at it`s ver-y hig-h-h.
- You can sit on my shoulder, said Sarah, patting her tanned scoulder.
- So, darling are you ready for your 13th birthday tomorrow? The chief asked with a very manly voice.
- Oh honey, you shouldn’t stress her out, she will be thirteen soon, and then she might go away from us! Sarah's mom said with tears in her eyes.
- What? What do you mean by going away? Sarah asked.
- Your mom and I haven’t been totally honest with you when it comes to leaving Tahi, the chief said.
- But that is only because we love you so much! Her mom added.
- What does this mean? Sarah asked.
- It means, that it’s an old tradition that when the future chief turns 13 they may go on a trip to see the world for 40 days, before they settle down and stay on this island, her mom said.
- Wow, I don`t know what to say except: SO COOL!!! I AM GOING OUT OF HERE! No offence, it`s just that I really wanna get away from Tahi, Sarah said happily.
- Honey settle down please, everybody is watching, her mom whispered.
- Oh, yes, of course, Sarah said while blushing.
And after the meal Sarah and Twiki danced around in the garden the whole evening...
TO BE CONTINUED
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi!
Great story! Loved it!
It's a really fun idea, and it's kinda Moana-style!
The only thing I want to say, is that you maybe want to say "her dad" instead of "the chief", because then it seems more like he is saying it to his beloved daughter, and not to a random person in the village. I will read your second chapter, as I have not done that yet, but overall, great story! I liked it the first time I read it, and like it even better now!
Your friend,
Fanta
Hi Fanta! Thank%u2019s for your review! Do you mean in the hole story, or a spesific part?
Yes
The hole story, or a spesific part??
Hi Shikora here with a review.
This was a really great start to the story. I'm glad i came a read it. The name was the thing at drew me in first. I really liked how you started your chapter though. You didn't jump to the chase, you started it all nice and slowly.
Now there were a one or two things i saw that I would like to point out to you. Okay the first thing is really easy to fix.
I'm sure you meant to say settle. This was just a small spelling mistake. Don't worry everyone does it.
Now the next thing I would like to point out is your description. Now this is something that gives your reader a better view of everything, even your characters. Now Sarah I now kind of what she looks like but that's only at the beginning of the chapter. But what would make your chapter even better is if you describe them through out the chapter. Let me show you what I mean.
Here is what you said.
Now this is what I said.
I'm sure you can tell the difference between the two sentences. This is something you have to do though out your chapter, and trust me it will make it a lot better.
I'll tell you something that I use myself when I'm wring. There are a few things you have to keep in mind, sound, smell, sight and touch. If you keep this in mind as you write and at them into your chapters it will make them ten times better.
Don't get me wrong I really think your writing is good, but I just want to help you get better, and as you keep wring you will see yourself get better with each chapter.
So that's all from me I really liked reviewing this chapter and I hope I'll get to see more soon. Never stop wring and have a great day/night.
Your friend
Shikora.
Hey Shikora! Thank you for the review! I have changed the things you wrote, and the tip, thank you:).
I'm glad I could help. I have plans to review your other chapter.
Hi there!
Welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy it here. So this is a really cute story! The only things I noticed were a few spelling errors, and a few of the sentences could be changed a little.
The one sentence that really stood out was this one: "But when a friend like you, Sarah, are alone and sad, I defy my fears!"
Maybe try something like this: "When a friend like you, Sarah, is alone and sad, I must defy my fears!" It just flows better and doesn't feel so awkward. Also, during the conversation Sarah has with her parents, you want to say: "She will be Thirteen soon!"
That is all that I noticed, Sorry it's not real in-depth!
Keep up the good work!
Thank you for your review. I will change the things you wrote.
(I am norwegian...)
Oh cool!!!