AS LEIGH AND TOMAS arranged themselves into sentry-like positions, Andrew couldn’t help but let out a low groan. The smoke from the fire found its way into his lungs, and he buried his head into his shoulder to cough. It was difficult to see anything through the thickness of the smoke, but when he looked back up he could see Captain Rawley standing across the room.
“What a monstrous fire,” the captain remarked, poking at it with a metal rod. “Who built it?”
“I did, sir,” Tomas said.
“Fix it, then.” The captain stuck the rod in the fire. “Make it smaller. The Noble makes grown men cry, but he doesn’t make them choke.” He coughed as if to make his point and swiped at the air in front of him.
While Tomas busied himself to fix the fire, Captain Rawley stepped around the hearth and coldly regarded his prisoner. Andrew returned the gaze just as intently. The captain’s icy blue eyes narrowed, and the fire danced across irises that seemed to be carved from icebergs, icebergs that stubbornly retained their frozen countenance even against the flames.
“Nine years ago,” the captain said. “That cursed picnic was nine years ago.”
Andrew blinked. In the captain’s suddenly somber eyes, he saw that those iceberg irises really were melting. Andrew never saw a tear, but if one had slipped down the captain’s face he wouldn’t have been that surprised.
“We were on the hills just outside Medilva,” the captain said. “The rest of the Steels had gone to the city already to bring in our small batch of prisoners and receive their pay. I was with my wife and little May, who had just turned ten. She was going to receive her Fensteel mark in the city that evening, and naturally we wanted to congratulate her with a little get-together, just the three of us.” He had a slight smile on his face as he paused to aimlessly watch the swirls of smoke as they escaped through the hole in the ceiling, but gradually his eyes leveled again with Andrew, and his lips hardened. His gaze was as icy as ever.
“She sensed them first,” he said. “She knew. She saw her faelk’s ears prick forward, and she pointed her finger south. As if by her order, twenty of them appeared on the hill and -”
The captain was broken off as Tomas stumbled with the fire and a log toppled past the circular hearth. The fire that clung to the wood was quick to leap onto the floor, and when Tomas snatched the log back a small flame had held its ground. Leigh stepped forward from the wall, but before he could reach the flame the captain’s spurs rang out and his boot stomped it out. He shot Tomas a steaming glare.
“Sorry, Captain,” Tomas murmured.
Judging by the look on his face, Andrew was certain that the captain wasn’t in a forgiving mood. But then the captain turned away and gazed out the window again. After half a minute’s silence, he pulled at the fingertips of his glove and glanced back at the fire where Tomas was still working. His face was composed again. If anything, he looked impatient, but Andrew was clueless as to what about. So he watched the fire, too.
Tomas was fingering the handle of the metal rod that the captain had stuck inside, and he pulled it out only for a moment to adjust its position. But that one moment was all Andrew needed.
He felt his heart skip a beat and as he inhaled quickly the smoke went into his lungs and he doubled over to cough. He shut his eyes because it didn't make sense and it wasn't what he expected. He had expected something bad, of course, after the rifle blow to his head, but out of dread he hadn't really thought it over. He didn't want to.
But he had seen it. He had seen the bright red “M” welded on the end of the rod. It was just like in Oregon, when he and Daniel would tie down a squealing colt and brand its hide with the “CR” symbol.
That rod was a branding iron. The captain was going to brand him.
When Andrew raised his head, the corners of Captain Rawley’s mouth were twitching with pleasure. He knew the captain could see the fear in his eyes.
But for the second time since arriving in the valley, Andrew felt his face grow hot. His blood pumped faster. He gritted his teeth. “No,” he said. “You can’t do that.” The captain only smirked. An ugly smirk, Andrew thought, as he growled, "You are not going to brand me with that thing.”
The captain was only amused. “I believe the proper word is marked," he said. "But yes, I am going to burn a sizable “M” into your flesh so that it stays there forever. What’s the big deal? Every normal Ordadian gets it done at least three or four times in their lifetime.”
“I’m not an Ordadian.” Andrew replied, flustered. His head was throbbing again. “I’m not even from here.”
“Exactly. That’s why you’re getting a special mark made just for you, and for every other member of the Mobs.” He lifted the branding iron from the fire, and spun the glowing red “M” in the air.
Andrew's veins were boiling. “No, dammit!” He would have slammed his fist on the arm of the chair had he not been tied down. “Ever heard of a place called Earth? Because that’s where I come from and where I’ve lived my entire life, and nobody there ever gets branded except horses and cows.”
The captain sighed. “Earth. Not that again. That story burned out long ago, kid.” He was still twirling the rod between his fingers. Nodding towards Leigh, he said, “Looks about ready, does it not?”
“Yes Captain, it does.”
Andrew felt his stomach sink, and his anger died down. He needed to think. His heart pounded uncomfortably in his chest. He looked down at his wrists, each one bound to an arm of the chair. His right arm was as good as useless. But when he tried to move his left forearm, the chair’s arm gave way...
“Do we have something for his mouth? A piece of cloth, maybe?” Both guards shook their heads. The captain nodded at Leigh and said, “Quick, look downstairs.”
Leigh left his post at the window and headed down. The captain paced around the room for a minute before deciding that the branding iron needed to be reheated. He stuck it back in the fire and crossed his arms. “What's taking him so long? Call his name, would you?”
Tomas obeyed, but Leigh didn’t answer.
“Son of a gun,” the captain said. “Did he leave?”
“Shall I check, sir?”
The captain nodded. He spoke to Andrew when Tomas left. “Guess you’re never gonna get that piece of cloth, kid. I was hoping I could preserve my hearing, but -”
“Captain!” Tomas’ voice erupted from downstairs and the captain whirled around. "Captain, they’ve -” Tomas' voice was muffled. Andrew heard what sounded like a scuffle down below. He heard a grunt, a thud, and then silence.
The captain's spurs clinked as he rushed to the foot of the stairs. “Son of a gun,” he said again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,792 Reviews
Can I just like this seven thousand times, please? XD I'm leaving a review for both on the next chapter, because these are too good and a review on each would be too small.
Awwwww, gracias Wolfe xD
Hello! I'm here for the big review! You have so many great reviews on the previous chapters, I thought I'd move to the end
There are other examples of this, but those are the moments that really stood out to me.
One disclaimer - I'm generally not a fantasy person. I usually don't understand fantasy novels and it's hard for me to get into them. Well....
I really like what you have going here, fantasy and all. You have a really developed writing style for being 15. (The stuff I wrote when I was 15 is pretty much unmentionable... :p)
This is a really interesting, well-developed plot and I really want to read more! I love all of the pieces you have going here - I'm a huge sucker for well-done military fiction, I love the brother love component (I read so much romance, so this is a nice change of pace :p), I love the roots in reality and the mystery of this new world. As a whole, I think this is really well-done so far. You have excellent descriptions, create great suspense, and you have awesome style and technical skill. I want to give a few big picture comments on this work as a whole so far, and then I'll get into more specifics about this part.
The Prologue. I'm never quite sure how to feel about prologues. I don't know what your intentions are for this work (whether or not you're seeking publication), but I know from reading many agent blogs and tweets that many agents don't like prologues and will skip them. (Just some general food for thought).
As prologues go, I thought this one was pretty good. There was no info-dump and there was action, but I'm still not sure it's 100% necessary. There's interesting information in there, and I understand it and how it fits in with the rest of the story better on a second read now that I know who Matthew is and who the two students are and what their rescue mission is. But I'm thinking about what I know happens in the first chapter, and I think starting there could also be effective. We would be jumping right into the action with the main character (because after reading the prologue I'm under the impression that this story is going to be about Sam, and it's not). There would still be a lot of mystery about what's going on, but a different kind of mystery than what you have here. Sam will obviously get introduced later when the brother and girlfriend come for their rescue mission - some of this back story could get introduced then (like they ask about him and why they should trust him and he talks about his past missions to Ordadus and Matthew and anything else that might be important).
If you want the story to be about Andrew and his struggle to get home, I would take it out. If you want the story to be about Daniel and the rescue mission, I would leave it in. (I know that both components are necessary, but what is the main focus). If you do decide to leave it in, I would make it shorter. In my experience, prologues are short and to the point - long enough to entice the reader, but short enough to not feel like a true chapter. (I don't know if fantasy novels are different as I have not read many). There are a lot of great descriptions and stuff in there, but think about what is crucial to get across at this point in the story. You have the whole novel to develop things further, so try to keep to the critical points right now. I didn't read all of the reviews for the prologue (or any of the chapters :p), so I apologize if I'm repeating anything. I'm also not going to go too much more in-depth about this because this review is supposed to be about Chapter 6, part 2. If you would like me to go back and give any more specific feedback, I'd be happy to do so!
Some Andrew things. One thing that's confused me is why Andrew doesn't just tell them who is he and where he's from. Why wasn't he like - yeah I just fell from the sky and I'm a little freaked out about it because I don't know what just happened. I'm with the [military branch] and the last thing I remember was [something] in Afghanistan. Can you tell me where I am and what's going on? Especially once the Captain starts the interrogation techniques why doesn't he make more of an effort to prove to them that he literally has no idea what they're talking about. Does he have any identification on him or anything that would prove his identity? Is he just overwhelmed with information overload or scared or in shock or something so it doesn't come to him? Would they not believe him anyway so it wouldn't matter? Is he a spy or something or have orders from his commander not to share who he is? In this case, I don't see why he wouldn't tell them the truth if it can prevent him from getting hurt.
Emotions overall. I think they're a little lacking in some areas. Some parts (Daniel's grief about his brother, Andrew's fear about being branded) it's really vivid and well-done. In other areas, I think you could use more. In the opening chapters there is little emotion or reaction to the faelk or these strange new people and this strange new world other than describing it. When Matthew comes, Daniel is "startled", but that's all we learn. There's no action or emotional description about what's it like to have an unfamiliar man materialize in front of him and tell him his brother is alive and he can rescue him. His reaction seems a little tame to me. Think about facial expression, eyebrows, and hands - so much can be said through those. Another component is thoughts. You're an excellent describer, and I think hearing a little more of both Andrew and Daniel's internal monologues could be really interesting, specifically their reactions to things (like arriving in this new world and seeing everything he's seeing, or the appearance of Matthew). 3rd person is a little less friendly to internal monologues than 1st, but it can still be done
Characters. By the end here I'm starting to lose track of characters (which could be my own fault for not reading slowly enough). But there are quite a few characters here. I think at this point Andrew, Daniel, and the Captain are pretty well developed. I liked the little boy from the beginning, and he had a pretty clear personality. The rest jumble together for me. I can't remember what all of their distinguishing characteristics are or what their roles are. I'm not sure what the fix is because obviously there are a lot of people in Ordadus. Maybe try to give each supporting character more distinct personalities (think style of speech, word choice, rate of speech, voice inflections, volume of speech, mannerisms, tics, habits, quirks, etc.) so as soon as the reader hears a particular voice it's clear who is talking. Another idea is to keep reminding us of the the characteristics you first described them as. So if you have a red-haired girl and we later learn her name is Jane - Jane could flip her red hair over her shoulder, or Jane could be referred to as red-haired Jane or something for a while. Don't go overboard obviously, but the more pairings we have of characteristics to names, I think the better to help us remember. Also, some of the Ordadus characters from the beginning haven't made appearances since. If they're reintroduced at some point, give us something to remind us who they are.
Let's talk about this chapter now.
What's a "sentry-like" position?
Also, word choice thing - I don't know how I feel about "groan". I'm having a hard time picturing a groan in this situation. Maybe a moan or something else to show his discomfort or frustration?
New paragraph at the start of this quote.
You don't necessarily have to say "Andrew" here because we already know who the prisoner is. But it sounds a little weird to take it out, so I would put a period after "prisoner" and then start the next sentence with "Andrew returned the gaze..."
New paragraph at "Andrew blinked." It changes focus. The paragraph was about what the captain is saying and now it's about what Andrew does and sees.
Is the captain telling Andrew this story or is he just telling the room? Why is he telling this story now? What significance does it have to the current situation?
New paragraph at the start of this quote. Same reason as above only reversed - you were talking about what Andrew sees, now we're back to what the captain is saying.
Why? What's his evidence? What does he think the captain is going to do?
"then" is one of those filler words that you often don't actually need.
I slashed that part because it feels redundant. That first line shows us that Andrew has seen what's in the fire. That slashed line makes it seem like he suddenly doesn't know what it is and then he has this moment of realization. I think it's sharper to have him see what's in the fire and immediately have that fear reaction you described.
*horror*
I'm generally a fan of repetition, but I wasn't here. I think it didn't quite work for me because it hasn't been a fixture of your prose thus far, so it felt a little strange being added in now. I would combine these two sentences.
The underlined part felt awkward to me compared to the rest of this dialogue. I think you could take it out and still achieve enough meaning.
This visual was a little confusing to me. Are you saying that when he tries to move his left arm there's some wiggle room there, or are you saying that the arm literally gives way - like starts to collapse? I feel like if it's the latter, the others in the room might notice... It's just worded a little funny to me so I'm not sure what you're getting at.
Are there stairs in the room or did he have to leave? The way it's worded, it sounds like there are stairs somewhere in the room and Andrew watches him go downstairs.
Same comment as above about the location of these stairs. The way that first line is phrased, it sounds like this is something that's happening in the room.
Did he leave? - where would he go?
This ending is a little abrupt. I really hope there's more because I need to know what happens next!
I think this feels a little rushed and it could be developed more. You do such great descriptions, I feel like some of that can be applied here.
They were alarmed? Can you show us more of that? (See section above about emotions).
And the description of the scuffle seems brief. Is there any more you can say about it? What's Andrew's reaction? What's going through his mind?
And there has to be more right?
Spoiler
I know I said lots of things (and I really hope at least some of it was useful!) but I seriously really enjoyed this. Not only this chapter, but everything up to it. I can't believe you're 15 and you write this well with such well-developed ideas. It's really impressive! I really hope you've continued this or you're planning on continuing it because I would love to read more (and I'm not even a fantasy fan :p). If you do post more, please let me know! And let me know if anything I said was confusing or if you have any questions or need me to go more in-depth about anything!
Awww, thank you so very much, Carlito! So very much! This review was incredibly in-depth and helpful, and all your helpful tips and encouragements are greatly appreciated. Thaaannnkkk youuu!!!! And yes, there twill be more.
Glad you found it helpful!! And whoo!!
If you're interested, the next chapter is up. There's a club for notifications, too: clubs/1896
I'm procrastinating on my homework and reading through some old things and wow this is just such an amazing review. You are amazing <3
Whoa. This was quite the review! Aww the big review contest!
PS - I miss Ordadus <3
And thank you <3
Hi! Hermione here for a review! This is the first of your chapters I've stumbled upon, and since it was so interesting, I had to go back through and read all of the others. This is a really neat story you've got in the works here. The brotherly love between Daniel and Andrew is refreshing; too often in stories writers create brothers with animosity towards each other. Another thing I really enjoy about your series is how you've incorporated God and that your characters have strong faith in Him. Now, on to the review!
World-building:
The main (only) problem I had with this story is the unclear distinction of what Ordadus is.
This dialogue is a bit inconsistent. When the captain is speaking in the first quotation he makes it sound as if he doesn't believe in a place called Earth. When he says ‘that story’ it becomes apparent that he thinks Andrew is making it up. Then, in the second quotation, his dialogue suggests that he does. The captain wouldn't say "what on Earth" if he didn’t previously know about Earth or live on it. Since he lives on Ordadus, Earth shouldn't be a part of his culture or every day conversation. Unless I'm missing something.
Another thing I noticed is that while it's suggested that Ordadus isn't on Earth, there isn't much other information given about it other than a few of its people groups and creatures. Personally, I would like to know more about Ordadus. This world isn't completely built yet in my mind; I don't understand the way it works. I think it would be helpful to readers if you started to explain what Ordadus actually is (an Earth-like planet, an alternate universe, a hidden, dragon-infested land, etc.) sooner than later. What's its geography? How did Andrew get there? How is Ordadus different than Earth? You don't need to go right out and blatantly answer these questions, but I think it would be good if you started to let some of this information spill between the lines of your story. If that makes any sense. I want to see some more world building, because thus far you’ve shown that you’re very creative.
Characters:
All of your characters seem to be pretty fascinating thus far. They’re all mostly likable…even the captain. I do think you could start to make them better-rounded though by revealing some of their strengths and weaknesses. You’ve already started to do this with captain (who at first I detested but now I detest less). I like that you gave the captain a bit of a backstory, giving clues to why he beat up Andrew when he first met him. It was effective in making me feel sorry for the bloke, though I do suspect he’s going to remain as one your characters' main antagonists(?) if he survives whatever is going on downstairs(?), even if they eventually end up being forced to work together to defeat the Mob(?). Was that guess even close?
Overall, it’s easy to tell that this story is well thought out. There are hardly any mistakes; I couldn’t fine any punctuation or grammatical errors. I’m sorry if this review sounds harsh in parts. I enjoyed this piece thoroughly and I can’t wait to read more of your story. Keep writing!
Woah, thank you so much, Hermione! Thank you so much for going back to read all of the other chapters; that means a lot to me!
Excellent review. I never would have caught the "what on earth" bit, so clever thinking. Thank you for taking the time to analyze everything, too. Through Daniel's point of view on Earth with Sam (the guy from the prologue), and eventually Andrew's too, the reader will begin to understand everything they need to know about Ordadus. It might take a while for everything to be answered, but explanations will come! I don't want it to take [i]too[i] long, however... In the second draft I'll probably arrange things better.
Thank you!!!