DANIEL FINGERED THE LETTER he had kept inside his jacket, the very one that stated that Andrew was dead. “I don’t know where to start, Beth,” he said simply. They were sitting on a bench at the edge of her backyard. He couldn’t see the river, but he could hear it rushing below. “I need you to read this. Do you have your phone for a flashlight?”
She nodded and took it out. You could always count on Beth to have her phone with her, even in pajamas.
“Good. Just know that...” Daniel faltered, clueless as to how he should explain it. How could he expect her to believe anything he said? Until meeting him, his girlfriend knew close to nothing about God. She had never even been inside a church. What would she think about his visit with an angel and a message in the sky?
He sucked in his breath and held up the letter. “Just know that what you’re going to read here isn’t true. Or at least, what it implies isn't. I’m going to tell you everything that happened after you finish.” He handed it to her. She unfolded it and turned her phone’s flashlight on.
“Oh God, Daniel.” Her hand covered her mouth. “Oh my God.”
“But it’s not true,” he said, hurriedly. “Andrew isn’t dead."
She didn’t say anything, but waited for him to continue. A tear clung to her cheek.
“He's missing, alright,” Daniel said. He took the letter back from her and squeezed her hand. “I don't know where he is, or how I'll get him back, but I do know for certain that he's alive."
He could see the confusion in her face. The parted lips, the wide eyes, the knit eyebrows.
"I need to explain something," he said.
When she turned off the flashlight, Daniel couldn’t see her face anymore. He couldn’t read what she was thinking or what her reactions to his words were. He could only feel her hands sealed within his own.
He told her everything gradually. Receiving the letter. Matthew the angel. The phone message about Canada. Seeing the flash in the sky. She never interrupted, and when he was finished, several agonizing moments of silence fell between them. He could only hear the rushing of the river.
“I thought that it was lightning,” was the first thing she said.
“What?”
“The flash in the sky. I thought it was lightning, but then there wasn’t any thunder.”
“You saw it? From your window?”
Beth nodded.
"Well, that's convenient," Daniel said. What were the chances that she was awake to see that? "At least you can believe one part of this crazy story I told you."
There was a pause. "No..." she said, slowly. "I believe all of it."
Daniel's heart jumped. "You... do?"
She dropped her forehead to his shoulder and wrapped her arms around his neck. “One thing's for certain, Daniel. God has a plan for you. To get your brother back.”
Daniel looked at her. His mouth was slightly open.
“Daniel, don’t you think that it’s highly unlikely for God to visit you twice in one night? He wouldn’t send angels down to you or flash a message in the sky if He didn’t mean business.”
Daniel didn’t really know what to think, or how to reply to her. “Am I really talking to you right now? Are you really Beth?”
“Yes.”
“Elizabeth Marie Quail, the girl who doesn’t know how to pray?”
“Yes, that’s me.”
“Did an angel visit you, too?”
Beth laughed a little. “Probably, and I didn’t know it. They’re usually invisible, you know. Yours was just an exception.”
Daniel smiled, too. It felt good to smile. This is something big, he thought. The angel, the flash in the sky, and the unexpected revelation in his girlfriend. Three miracles in one night. He held her close to him and ran her dark, silky hair between his fingers. “Are you actually with me on this? Do you really believe everything I told you?”
“Everything’s a bit hard to believe,” she admitted. "But after all you've gone through tonight, of course I'm with you."
“And what about the tickets you won to Canada?"
“I thought it was pretty neat that out of all those people who probably entered, I won. Looks like it was God’s plan the whole time.”
The word "God" still sounded odd coming out of her mouth. Daniel began to feel certain that an angel really had visited Beth, and had left a touch of piousness behind.
Daniel squeezed her hand harder. “Canada,” he whispered. “How are we going to leave? What will be our excuse? If we go now we’ll miss Christmas.”
“We’ll just get married,” she said promptly. “And go on our honeymoon.”
“Not a bad idea,” he laughed. Marriage was a common conversation topic with Beth. He knew she'd been ready for the proposal for a while now. He'd been completely ready, too, before leaving for Afghanistan. Then he lost his leg and his confidence fell to pieces. After seven months, he was still building them back together. “Are you still sure you’d want to marry a cripple?”
She punched him in the arm. “Stop saying that! You ran here on one leg. You’re fine.”
He shrugged and was about to tell her something else when he heard the familiar humming sound of his father’s truck, growing louder with every passing second. “Shoot,” he said.
“It’s your dad, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.” Daniel stood. “Thank you, Beth,” he murmured, and kissed her.
She hugged him tightly. “Good luck.”
~*~
Sitting in the passenger seat of his dad’s old Ford Ranger, Daniel decided that he really hated trucks. First there had been the red one that ripped off his leg. Now there was this silver one, humming so loudly that it probably woke the inhabitants of every home they passed. And it gave him a headache.
"Your mom told me to check on you, so I did," his father had said when they got in the car. "But you weren't in your room. Or in the yard. Or with the horses. I looked everywhere, Daniel. Everywhere."
Daniel had allowed the silence to remain until they were on the road. "I can explain, Dad," he said, finally. He could see his father's tears tracing paths from the dark, bloodshot eyes that sank deep within their sockets, and down his cheek.
"No. You can't explain," he said. He swerved to avoid a fallen branch in the road. "Do you know how worried I was about you? How worried I was about what you had done to yourself? In case you didn't realize, we just received a letter from the US Army informing us that your brother Andrew is dead. And what do you do? You run to your girlfriend's house to comfort yourself."
“Dad...” Daniel said, tears brimming in his own eyes.
“I know what you're thinking. You're an adult. You can go wherever you please at do whatever you want at any time you feel like it. But couldn't you have told us? I would have driven you to Beth's house myself so you could talk to her."
“I don’t think you’d understand.” Daniel gripped the side of the passenger door. The truck was going terribly fast.
“No, I don’t understand." His dad glanced over at him, helpless. "Why didn't you tell us you were going?"
“You wouldn't have understood,” Daniel said.
"Understood what? Why you wanted to worry us sick? Why you wanted to run a mile on one leg? Why you'd want to be with your girlfriend?"
"Stop calling her that. You know her name."
"Okay. Beth."
"I didn't run over there just to see her." He looked over at his dad. “God has a plan for me, and for Beth, too. Andrew is still alive.”
The truck slowed. His dad looked at him again. “What are you talking about?”
“Did you see the flash of light?”
“What?”
“Beth saw it. God sent me a message in the sky."
"What message in the sky?"
"And before that, an angel came to my room and he told me that Andrew was still alive."
“Daniel, please. You’re delusional.”
Daniel’s heart sank and he wiped his eyes. He knew his father was going to say something like that. “Please believe me, Dad." His voice sounded small. "There was an angel in my room when I was trying to sleep. I started to doubt things too, but then God flashed a bunch of words in the sky and I realized I was stupid for doubting Him."
"Daniel..."
"I’m going to get Andrew back."
The truck rolled into the driveway and shuddered to a stop. His dad opened the door, but he didn’t get out. Instead, he put his face in his palms and wept.
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,792 Reviews
Noooooo. This doesn't continue with Andrew! Why? ;-;
*ahem* Hey, Wolfie! I'm here for that The Big Review review ~
(Please excuse any typos for I am on a tablet.)
I will have you know, if this were a published novel, this would be one that I could not put down at all. The last chapter was gripping and intense and I really wanted to see what happened next to Andrew, but this chapter was heart felt and made me feel for Daniel and see how determined he really is to find his brother again. I would say not to leave me hanging for months on end for next chapter, but that would make me a hypocrite, so I'll just politely ask you to work on it xD
To be honest with you, I have no critique for chapter 6 as a whole. I reread all of it and I was reading it so intensely, wondering, engaged and willing for Andrew to prevail. What would the M do to him (socially)? Who came by? Were they other mobs? (If that's what they're called.)
I lied, I had one moment where I thought it felt odd and that was when Andrew realized he was about to be branded. Or they planned to brand him. Just like when the captain hit Andrew over the head with the rifle, Andrew had such confidence that the captain wouldn't actually do it. Or that's what it seemed like. And I'm curious as to why. He's seen what the captain will do, so why is this an exception? It just doesn't make sense to me that Andrew wouldn't "learn" by now and succumb a little or stop having faith that they won't do something so 'inhumane'.
Alright, because I haven't read previous chapter before, I just had an image in my mind that Beth and Daniel were like teenagers still (I guess I wasn't thinking it through, because you have to be 18 to be in the army, but still), so I rather startled when they talked of marriage so freely, without hesitation. Especially because they way they spoke before, they still seemed to rely on their parents. And if they are adults, than they shouldn't then, right?
BUT, if they're boyfriend and girlfriend and adults, why don't they live together already? I would say that adults don't normally live with their parents if there's an option out. They want to be independent the moment they hit 18. And if Beth and Daniel really care about on another, I feel like Daniel's parents would let him go with her, even in his crippled time.
Now, about the dad's reaction. He acts like Daniel hasn't seen the note, 'informing' him that they just recieved. I don't know what tone he was supposed to take, but it sounded to me like he was stating the obvious. Of course Daniel knows about the note. He has it with him.
Also, Daniel is 22. Why do they worry about him going to his girlfriends house? Because that seems perfectly logical to me. She is his significant other and of course he would want to go to her to seek comfort -- even if he's not doing that really, but it makes sense. And he is an adult. I kno ps I keep saying this but it really changes how people will talk to you and his parents treat him like he's a fourteen year old.
Either way, THE FEELS. At the end of the chapter, I wanted to go into your book and slap Daniel's father silly. It really touched me and I identified with Daniel to an extent. I felt the sadness that came from his father not believing him. It was really fantastically written. And then all the descriptions and just... gah <3
Hope I helped out some~ Keep Writing,
~ Wolfe
Yaaaay thank you Wolfe!!!! Very good advice and thank you for the compliments!
I think I'm unaccustomed to the fact that marriage comes sooner because my own brother is getting married this year and he's a number of years older than 22. Thank you!!!! I'm always curious as to what pops out as "odd" in the novel so that I can fix that right away.
"for a flashlight?" Take this out, and instead just make her smart. So she whips out her phone and turns it on for the light.
Are you religious?
"his girlfriend knew close to nothing about God. She had never even been inside a church. What would she think about his visit with an angel and a message in the sky?"
Is she an atheist? How old is she? It's a little unrealistic that she knows nothing about God. She has to know the general stuff. Go up to a young atheist and ask them what they know about religion. They could tell you a lot. Although a young atheist is young, and that's a point against them. Meaning young people don't put a lot of thought into anything.
When she turned off the flashlight, - She turned of her phone,
He couldn’t read what she was thinking... you can read someone but what they're thinking? Never.
Matthew the angel. It's your second chapter if you've introduced this angel many times before just call him the angel or Matthew.
was the first thing she said. Yeah, we know. Your ruining the dialogue you wrote by writing was the first thing.
"Daniel didn’t really know what to think, or how to reply to her. “Am I really talking to you right now? Are you really Beth?”
“Yes.”
“Elizabeth Marie Quail, the girl who doesn’t know how to pray?”
“Yes, that’s me.”"
He's in disbelief but this whole part of the story is a little cheesy.
and then you do it again.
"“Are you actually with me on this? Do you really believe everything I told you?”
“Everything’s a bit hard to believe,” she admitted. "But after all you've gone through tonight, of course I'm with you.""
We get it she's with you. She said God has a plan for you Daniel. To get your brother back. What can this girl say for the main character to get it? Think of another way to do this disbelief scene, or do it later while he's alone.
"If we go now we’ll miss Christmas.” They can't miss christmas if they're alive.
“We’ll just get married,” she said promptly. “And go on our honeymoon.”
They'll just go get married I saw that the characters are 22. But this is a terrible time for getting married. It's unrealistic.
Sitting in the passenger seat of his dad’s old Ford Ranger, Daniel decided that he really hated trucks.
This was genuinely funny.
“I don’t get it, Daniel. Why on earth were you spending time with Beth at three in the morning after everything that just happened?"
An adult man should not ask this question. He knows.
Overall your story was written well. You're a good writer, and you're young. So you have a lot of time to develop. (This is what people tell me, and I'm 20. So you are ahead of me. haha)
Religion is tough to talk about. Especially in this day and age. It's tough enough for a man who knows the faith. Anyway I believe in God, and my faith is very strong. I don't know about putting it into a story without it being some sort of fantasy. Maybe that's why Tolkien didn't.
The religious aspect of your story takes away from the realism.
Hey, thanks for the review!
I wanted to incorporate religion into this book so as to have an answer for everything fantastical going on in this book. I couldn't stand to have people "magically" teleported to a different planet without some sort of explanation. Do you think I should dim it down?
Thanks a lot for the review! "An adult man should not ask this question. He knows." That made me laugh.
I don't think you should dim it down you'd be cutting off your legs. Things can be fantastical without God if you ask me. Just go ask someone agnostic. It doesn't have to be magic. Just a hidden part of life.
You'll be okay.
Heeeey! So excited to see how this continues!
You said to be mean and shred it up so...I'll do what I can :p (PS - I love dialogue and romance!)
I would combine these two sentences. I don't like the repetition of "the letter".
The until meeting him part makes me think a few things: First, I would assume Daniel is religious then? And second, it implies that until she met him things were this way, but now that they've been together things are different. Is that right? And if so, how?
I'm no military expert, but does MIA always imply that the individual has died or just that they can't find him/her? If it's the later, then the letter is true - he's missing and they don't know where he is. He might want to say something to prevent her from assuming that he's dead.
Same comment as above
I didn't like that he's trying to force her to believe him. He can say whatever he wants to say, but at the end of the day, it's up to her to decide if she's going to believe him or not. He could ask that she listen with an open mind or try to believe him or something like that.
Thank you for telling here and not showing! <3
Looove this thought process. That's such a logical thing to think - if you see a flash in the sky it's lightening. But if there's no thunder to accompany it or no storm clouds or no rain, maybe it's something else. Great way to show that she's at least warming up to what he said.
That was kind of my reaction to her dialogue, too. It kind of took me by surprise because it felt very out of the blue. I thought she was coming around to his idea and processing what happened, and now she's talking about God's plan for him. I also thought this was a little funny because towards the beginning you said she wasn't religious. Unless she became religious under the influence of Daniel, or some sort of angel or the Holy Spirit is putting words in her mouth, I don't see why she would talk about God like this. Maybe elaborate a little more on her spiritual journey or what kinds of thoughts led her to come to this conclusion.
The first sentence makes it seem like she doesn't believe this is possible - it's not likely that God would visit you. Then the second sentence makes it seem like she's on board - he did these things because he obviously means business.
You elaborate on this idea a little more in the next couple of lines, but I would be curious to know what his thoughts are right now. What's it like for him to hear these things from Beth? What is he feeling? It would give a little more depth to what he says to know what the thought or emotion is behind it.
Underlined part - I think I get what you're trying to say here, but I think it reads a little funny. I would also consider including a short description of what she experienced so the reader can make their own assumptions about what she experienced compared to what Daniel experienced. You could do "Probably, [description of her experience]. I don't know, though" or "But I didn't realize at the time."
Bold part - How does she know that if she's not a believer? Is an angel or the Holy Spirit or something speaking through her? If she is a believer, why was Daniel surprised at her words earlier? And if she is, I would appreciate a little blurb about how she came to be that way if she wasn't before she met Daniel.
What are the three? His brother is alive, an angel coming to him, and an angel coming to Beth?
She's just now admitting that it's hard to believe? It seemed like she was at least semi on board up until now.
And I think to make this dialogue read a little better I would add in some tags that give us a sense of tone and how things are being said or actions as it's happening.
“We’ll just get married,” she said promptly. “And go on our honeymoon.”
“Not a bad idea,” he laughed. “Are you still sure you’d want to marry a cripple?”[/quote]
How old are they? They seem to feel the need to get their parent's permission before they go to Canada. If they're adults, they don't need permission. They can just go. They could do it the responsible way and talk to their parents first (maybe not explain the situation in its entirety but at least say they need to go and they're sorry about missing Christmas) or they could do it the irresponsible way and just go and deal with the repercussions later
Also - what? They decided just like that to get married? That's kind of a big life decision... Are they serious? More emotions, thoughts, and/or reactions might be helpful here.
Thank you for what?
Why?
I get that you're trying to explain how his dad found him (if you hadn't put it in, I can see myself saying 'um. how did his dad know he was here?' :p), but I think it feels awkward placed here, like kind of out of the blue, kind of tangential. It's a future thing that we're talking about in the middle of the present (if that makes sense...) Maybe his dad could say this when he gets in the car and then resume silence?
Why is he sorry? Why is his dad upset with him and out looking for him in the first place? Is it just because of the news - he thinks Daniel should be with family right now? Was he worried about what happened to him since he already "lost" one son today? (You could consider adding in this information when you talk about the dad looking for him.
So you wanted advice on your dialogue and your romance stuff? I mentioned this a little bit already but I thought your dialogue was pretty good. I thought it read like people actually talk (aside from where I was confused about why people said certain things). I think one thing you could do to beef it up a little is include more throughout the dialogue. You don't need to go overboard with tags like "She said" and "He said" - but you can do more describing throughout the dialogue. How do you hear these conversations going in your head? Does anyone raise or lower their voice? Does anyone's rate of speech speed up or slow down? Does anyone inflect any words or phrases? What's the tone? Stuff like that will make it more rich and realistic, in my opinion (but again, don't go overboard). You can also add in little pieces of action - like reactions to dialogue. You did this in places, but you could do more. Think about facial expressions, eyebrows, hands, stuff like that.
As for the romance stuff - I could feel the tenderness in the relationship between Daniel and Beth. I can tell they really care about one another. The only thing that threw me off guard was the whole marriage thing, but I talked about that already
Overall, I thought this was another well-executed chapter. It was a little slower-paced compared to some of the others, but that's fine. They can't all be action-filled! The plot still moved forward nicely, and I learned more about these characters. So nice work! Looking forward to reading more
Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!
Awwww, Carlito! You're too awesome. Just too awesome. These are the exact things I needed help on. Thank youuuuuuu!!! This wasn't even a Big Review entry, but you would have definitely gotten the full three points.
I'll answer a few things you asked about and then go back and emphasize them better in the chapter:
-The three miracles: the angel, the sky message, and Beth having that odd religious revelation. I'll make that more clear.
-Daniel hates trucks because he lost his leg when the truck hit him and because of the awkward position in the humming truck of his father's. Mainly because of the first reason, and the second reason just makes him realize that he hates trucks. I don't know.
-Daniel and Beth are 22. You're right, they're adults, and not as tied to their parents anymore.
Thank you so much Carlito! <3
PS: I got your email and I can't wait to read it tonight and review for you in return.
So glad you found it helpful!!
So glad you found it helpful!!