WHEN ANDREW REGAINED CONSCIOUSNESS a while later, he did not open his eyes. Instead, he hugged his chest and gritted his teeth as nightmarish scenes filed through his brain. The most prominent image was Captain Rawley and his icy stare, echoing in his memory with each throb of pain that pounded his skull. He also saw a coal-black faelk pounding the earth and a lean llargo licking its chops and flashing its yellow eyes. But they all faded before the captain, who he visualized gripping the rifle, his knuckles white.
Were all these things real, or had it been a dream? When he would finally open his eyes, the truth would be revealed. For now, he would keep his eyes shut and bask in his ignorance.
How he longed to be home and forget about all these troubles. Home! With the fresh thought of this one word, Andrew’s memory swept him onto a new journey to the horse farm in Oregon. Suddenly, it was all there- the oak tree and the mailbox and the weathercock and the horses and even the border collie. He stepped onto the front porch, embracing the delicious smells and tasting the fresh air. His mother and his father and his brother- they were there, too, wearing vivacious smiles.
How he yearned to visit with his brother and see how he was doing without a leg. How he longed for another horse ride through the meandering paths of the evergreen forests.
His mind was traveling along this trail of thought when he heard a familiar snorting sound. His heart made a tremendous leap and his eyelids opened. And the dire truth was revealed.
He was laying in a cramped, gray cabin. His left eye was swollen shut and his head hurt. The sticky air clung to his salty skin and seemed to absorb every bit of moisture that resided in his mouth, leaving his tongue as dry as dust.
Two men in navy blue uniforms stood across from him. One with fiery red hair had been leaning against the wall, but jumped forward into a sentry-like position when he saw that Andrew was awake.
“Look, Tomas,” he said, donning his cap. “Your idiotic faelk woke him.”
The other guard ignored him and leaned over to look at Andrew, his dark blue eyes narrowed in concern. “That head of his doesn’t look too good. You should go get a nurse, Leigh.”
Andrew gingerly lifted his bound wrists and touched his head, wincing. When he brought his hands back down, his fingertips were crimson with blood.
“I should get a nurse?” the red-haired guard questioned, leaning back against the wall and removing his cap again.
Tomas nodded. “Someone needs to stay behind and watch him, Leigh."
"And why can't that someone be me? It’s a long hike up to their camp. I already had training this morning and I’m tired. You go."
"Okay. I don't mind,” Tomas replied, stepping over the threshold. “It’ll be a chance for me to see all the Steel ladies in one place."
“Now, wait a minute!” Leigh cried, scooping up his cap and dashing out the door. Andrew could still hear their voices outside as Leigh pressed, “Tom, let me go.”
“You should stay, Leigh. You need to rest after your training this morning.”
“I’m not really that tired, Tom. Let me go get a nurse.”
“I’ll get one.”
“Listen, Tom. I’m still looking for the right girl and you’ve already got a wife. I need to go.”
“Do you really think you're old enough for this?”
“Yes." There was a pause. Andrew imagined Tomas raising an eyebrow. "Tom!" Leigh exclaimed, exasperated. "You're not my mother!"
"Fine, go. Don't die of exhaustion."
Leigh mounted his faelk. Within a few seconds, Andrew heard hooves pounding across the ground. Tomas returned to the cabin, a satisfied smile on his face. “That’ll take him at least half an hour,” he said aloud as he submerged a towel in a barrel of water. Wringing out the blue cloth, he turned his head to Andrew. “How are you feeling?”
Andrew licked his dry lips. “I’ve been better."
Tomas dipped a tin cup in the barrel. Handing it to Andrew, he commented, “The captain sure walloped you, didn't he? I don't blame 'em, of course. Even though you look like one of us, you're a member of the Mobs, and that's that."
“But I’m not a member of the Mobs,” Andrew said, in between sips of the water, “At least I don’t think I am.”
Tomas laughed, draping the wet towel over his neck. “You are. You can't fool us."
Andrew rubbed his forehead. "Can I ask you a question?"
“Sure," Tomas answered, shrugging.
“I don’t understand why Captain Rawley treated me like he did. Was it really necessary for him to knock me out?”
“Honestly, I would have expected him to kill you.”
“Why?”
Tomas didn't reply for almost a minute. Then his eyes narrowed slightly and he shook his head. "I'm not supposed to be talking to you," he muttered. He crossed his arms and leaned against the cabin's doorframe, staring outside. Andrew fingered the empty tin cup that he still held in his hands, his hazy reflection just barely visible on its sepia surface. When he heard the sound of an approaching rider, he looked back up.
"Lieutenant!" Tomas exclaimed, stepping outside.
"Sergeant, return to your post."
"Yes sir." Tomas meekly entered the cabin again and stationed himself against the wall, his back and shoulders erect.
The Lieutenant, the same man who had been in Captain Rawley's cabin earlier that day, came into view. "Good, he's awake," he said, glancing at Andrew. "Where's the other guard?"
"He's getting a nurse, sir."
The Lieutenant nodded. "Make sure she cleans him up enough for the captain tomorrow morning." Then he lowered his voice and said something else that was inaudible to Andrew.
Tomas looked puzzled. "But, sir, the Noble isn't-"
"The captain doesn't need the Noble."
"What?"
"You will see tomorrow morning, Sergeant." He paused for a minute and stared out the door, watching something that Andrew, in his position, was oblivious to. "I must attend to the troops now," he said finally, turning to the door. He bowed his head and left, his boots crunching on the gravel.
Andrew's heart plummeted. Captain Rawley, again. Tomorrow morning.
Andrew didn't know what to do. He had never felt so desperate in his life. He squeezed his eyes shut, a single tear sliding down his face. He was a little ashamed of himself, and quickly brushed it off.
In Afghanistan, he had grown accustomed to praying often when he was in despondent situations. And this, he decided, was no exception. So he crossed himself like he had done so many times before. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit...
When he opened his eyes again, he felt peaceful. God was in control. Everything was going to be alright.
Shortly after, Leigh and the nurse arrived. It was clear that Leigh was doing his best to impress the young woman. As she was dabbing a wet towel at Andrew's head wound, Leigh was recounting frivolous tales to her about his adventures as a soldier. Andrew only listened to small sections of what he said. His mind was elsewhere, thinking about Afghanistan and Captain Rawley and his twin brother in the hospital.
Once the nurse had finished doctoring Andrew, Leigh courteously escorted her out of the cabin. Darkness had begun to spread her ebony blanket over the sky when Leigh finally returned.
It was the eve of another visit with Captain Rawley. Andrew's only hope was that God would answer his prayers and deliver him from the captain's wrath.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Salutations.
I apologise for taking so long to read and review this - it has been so long, in fact, that I had to reread Chapter Two just so I could be up to date. Nevertheless, I have finally arrived, and I hope my review proves to be worth the wait. (And as special compensation, I shall make it an especially thorough review...)
This should be no surprise, but I could find no fault with this chapter. It is as well-written as always, and as entertaining as well. Most of all, it has given us more insight into the life of Andrew.
When first I read this sentence, I found it confusing. I then proceeded to reread Chapter Two and found afterwards that it made much more sense. Normally, I would comment on the effectiveness of the first sentence of a chapter, but I shall not do so now. Instead, I ask you this: For the purposes of YWS, one must shorten one's chapters or publish them in parts, so which option did you choose? Are your chapters to be this short in the actual novel as well, or do you simply call them individual chapters, when they are to be several parts of a single chapter?
Is Captain Rawley really that intimidating? If so, may I assume that Andrew has not properly participated in the war? After all, if you have killed people, those memories would be far more haunting than the incident with Captain Rawley. Except, of course, if it happened that Andrew had been captured during a previous battle and was similarly interrogated. Such memories would often be even more haunting, so the Captain Rawley-incident would bring back and amplify those memories.
Ah, now we get to the paragraph that has been causing you so much trouble and confusion. I shall answer your question by dealing with the three sentences individually.
1. "Were all these things real, or had it been a dream?"
~ You had been worried about this sentence's tense, when I would be worried about the choice of words. The these is inappropriate, for a simple reason actually: When an author writes a novel, he or she is telling a story which has already taken place. That is why I insist on using the past tense. However, it also means that the usage of half of your demonstrative pronouns are forbidden, specifically this and these. They are words which are ordinarily used when the speaker and the person being spoken to are in the same place and the speaker is indicating/gesturing towards/pointing to/etc. something. The demonstrative pronouns that and those, however, are used when the speaker is referring to something away from the speaker and/or the person being spoken to. In a story which employs a third person narrator, the last two demonstrative pronouns are therfore used. If this explanation has confused you, please say so and I shall try to simplify it for you.
~ Also, the part after the comma can be improved. You can add just, simply or even merely between "it been", if you like, but you can also add a but in between "been a". It is a stylistic preference though, so you are not all obliged to change the second half of your sentence. (If you do want to change it and want to know which one I would choose, I'd go with the but.)
2. "When he would finally open his eyes, the truth would be revealed."
~ The actual offender. It seems that you are worried the sentence sounds too awkward. Whenever you encounter such a sentence in future, keep this advice in mind: delete it and write a new one. Do not try to use the same words, but rewrite the sentence using diferent words instead. I would prefer that you try this for yourself, as my giving you an alternative would defy the purpose of this exercise, but if you really need assistance and cannot think of anything (I know how difficult these things can be at times), then of course I shall help.
Spoiler
~ With the second part of your sentence, I cannot find any problems. If the sentence was written in the future tense, it would look like this: "...the truth will be revealed." Generally speaking, the future tense is more akin to the present tense than the past tense, as demonstrated above.
3. "For now, he would keep his eyes shut and bask in his ignorance."
~ Here, I have the same problem as with the first sentence, except it concerns the word now. My objection can be explained by answering this question: Define "the present". If you are thinking, "It is what is happening now, at this very moment," then you will have proven my point. Stories are told in the past tense, so now cannot be suitable. Also, I would add a conjunction which contradicts the previous (the second) sentence. It does not need to join the two sentences, but it should at least indicate the contradiction. (Surely you have seen words beginning with but or however, right?).
Spoiler
Goodness, was that not a long elucidation? Now you see why I did not want to tackle it in a PM.
Remember what I said about appropriate demonstrative pronouns...?
This is a very effective writing device you have employed. (I am certain it has a name, but with my limited knowledge of the English language, I am afraid I do not know it.) I am quite glad you discovered it; it makes your writing all the more sophisticated and enjoyable.
I realise how irksome it is when someone repeatedly points out the same errors in their review, so I shall flag any particular flaw but three times before ceasing. (I think by the third time you will be inclined to search through your work yourself anyway and eradicate any of the little buggers which still remain.)
Also, the underlined text of your sentence's second half sports the usage of an incorrect preposition. Consider changing it to "...Andrew’s memory took him on a new journey to the horse farm in Oregon."
In order for the last punctuation mark to be a dash, and not a hyphen, it must stand alone and not attached to a word.
Once again, the dash appears to be a hyphen, but the last three words are what's bothering me here: wearing seems correct, but I am not sure if it is. I am also certain that vivacious has been used incorrectly - does it not refer to liveliness? If so, then a "lively smile" is rather strange to visualise, no?
This preposition managed to slip in.
There are several stylistic changes I would make to these two sentences:
~ If I read about someone's heart making a tremendous leap, it makes me think something positive has happened. Perhaps changing it to his heart dropped or something similar would be better?
~ Saying his eyelids opened is correct technically, but does it sound right?
~ Removing the conjunction And makes the sentence much more powerful.
There is always much confusion concerning lie and lay, and lying and laying, so I shall quickly look it up.
Okay, here is an article concerning the usage of lie and lay. I had to take the test at the bottom of that page several times before I actually got everything right. Nevertheless, here is why your sentence is wrong:
~ The verb lay/lays means "to put in a position, especially a horizontal one". Lie/lies can mean either "to tell an untruth", or "to be in a horizontal position". (Take note, all of the above are in the present simple tense.)
~ the different forms of lay/lays are: laid (past simple tense), is laying (present participle), and was laid (past participle).
~ the different forms of lie/lies are: lied (past simple tense), is lying (present participle), and has lied (past participle).
~ the different forms of lie/lies are: lay (past simple tense), is lying (present participle), and has lain (past participle).
I would therefore remedy your sentence by writing: "He was lying in a cramped, gray cabin." I nonetheless strongly suggest that your read the provided article.
Other than that common error, I very much enjoyed that paragraph. It was very descriptive, and you employed not only the sense of sight, but also that of touch and taste. Incorporating as many of the senses into your writing is a surefire way of improving it.
That preposition reminds me of a preposition I really dislike: up - only in the sense of "cooking up a storm", of course. In both cases, it is redundant, and if something is redundant, chucking it into the recycle bin is best.
You followed the punctuation-rules of dialogue here, but are the two sentences not supposed to be joined?
Oh, and concerning the name Tomas, I can think of a certain Wizard who would be proud - he also likes altering names so that they seem more old-fashioned.
Quote you: *cough cough*
Your dialogue between the two guards thereafter is bland, to be blunt. I am not sure why, as you evidently made it interesting, and it should be humourous, but it appears boring. I mean no offense, but it simply is, and I shall repeat: I do not know why. Perhaps describing the way they talk will rectify this?
A comma is missing.
I recall your saying in the Ordadus Club you were confused by the capitalisation of ranks, so allow me to clarify. When the rank appears in front of the name, e.g. "Captain Rawley", the rank is capitalised, as well as when it is used as a form of address, e.g. "Yes, Lieutenant?" It is also capitalised when the rank is named, e.g. "You have been promoted to Sergeant." However, when the rank is simply used to refer to someone, it is NOT capitalised, e.g. "The general strode into the war room." and "He is just a corporal."
Sir is a tricky one; when it appears in front of someone's name, e.g. "Sir Gavin Langton", it is capitalised, but it is not capitalised when used as a form of address, e.g. "Your mail has arrived, sir."
Here it is also incorrectly capitalised.
You see, here "sir" is used correctly, but "Noble" isn't, except if the name is used a nickname. If that is the case, then it must also be capitalised, e.g. "Shall I summon the Wolf?" It is especially used when anonymity is required/preferred.
This seems to be slightly too disrespectful a comment for subordinate to a superior. Consider changing it to "Why not?" or something similar.
<3
I encourage original writing, but is it correct to use after alone like that, instead of "thereafter"? If it is correctly used, but is simply unorthodox/uncommon, then by all means, continue.
As I have said, a very well-written chapter indeed. I cannot say that it advanced the plot much, but it certainly revealed valuable information about Andrew, and characterisation alone is often enough reason for having written a chapter. I applaud your skill and hope to read Chapter Six soon. (I also hope that this time I shall review it while it's fresh...)
Rating for this text: three and a half stars (very good)
My Dear James Hunt, I have never read a review as thorough as yours. Your knowledge of the English language, contrary to what you say, is so incredibly impressive and surpasses my own by about a hundred times. Look at the likes on this review- you have four! I've never really seen that before, so that just proves the magnitude of this incredible review. Now, I will reply to certain things...
-The chapters will, most likely, be combined. For now, I'll keep them at this length for YWS.
-Why haven't I thought of that? Captain Rawley surely can't be that terrifying after Andrew served in the war. Thank you for pointing that out.
-For all those detailed grammar explanations, thank you so much! You are only three years older than me, but you are so vastly knowledgeable that it is truly unbelievable. I feel like I can learn more from your reviews than from a whole year of English class!
-I don't like the guard's dialogue, either. It's very flat. I think I'll look at some examples to see what authors do to spice up the speaking.
I will completely edit this chapter once I am done with Chapter Six.
Thank you thank you thank you so much, James. Your reviews are the best, and this one in particular was extraordinary!!!
Psst... How many stars do I get? I like to compare my chapters based on your ratings.
Amazing review. ^.^
Every review James writes is amazing, but yes, I was lucky enough to receive this one, which is especially spectacular.
Hi there!
I'm so late getting to this! I apologize.
I have to admit, I'm a bit confused by the last sentence of this chapter. Is that a general statement that is being made or are you saying that God answered Andrew's prayer at the last second? It's just not very clear.
I'm really rather interested in what this Mob is. You've mentioned it in passing a few times, but that's it. What exactly is the Mob? And why are they so dangerous? I understand that that might not be something you want to reveal just yet, but think about doing it soon. It's nice that we feel as lost and confused as Andrew, because it helps us relate to him, but at some point it begins to be too much. We begin searching for these answers and get a bit frustrated when we can't find them. It's all about understanding what's going on around us in the novel.
Thomas is definitely an interesting character. Like Wolf said, he seems to not really understand where he stands with Andrew. To be honest, I feel like he's confused himself. He's bound to believe and do whatever Captain Rawley believes and does, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't have opinions on his own. I think Thomas wants to believe that Andrew is innocent, but doesn't want everyone else to know it, so he hides it.
I really like your writing style. It's definitely consistent, which is actually something you don't see very often in young writers. Your style is very formal, yet it definitely has a young kick to it. You seem to explore everything in your writing: thoughts, feelings, dialogue, setting, all that good stuff. Keep it up!
I feel like the scene with Leigh and Thomas arguing about going to get the nurse could've been played out better. It's obvious that Thomas wants Leigh to go, so he's manipulating him into wanting to go. Sure, Thomas walks back in with a smile on his face, but I feel like he could've been a bit more sarcastic when he was trying to convince Leigh. Maybe say something about how he didn't want the poor man to over exert himself or that he was "too young" for ladies anyway. That could really add some more flavor to the conversation. And what does Thomas feel about the conversation? Obviously he hears it, but is he laughing at Leigh's reactions? Does he shake his head and roll his eyes whenever Thomas says something sarcastic? This may be written in third person POV, but Andrew is still the main focus. I want to see all of this through his eyes.
Overall, you've got another great chapter here. I feel like we're going to have to wait a little while before we really get any specific answers. That's fine, really, because it keeps us in suspense and keeps us wanting to read on. I'm looking forward to more chapters!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi Noelle!! Thank you for another amazing review! I'll fix that last sentence; I can see how it could be confusing. It was supposed to be foreshadowing, but it didn't turn out that well. That is wonderful advice about Leigh and Tomas. Everything you have written here is great advice, and I greatly appreciate your compliments.
Thank you!
You will get to see some Mobs by the next chapter, I hope!
Wolfie! It's Knight r4 here to review that fantabulous chapter. Is it fantabulous? I certainly hope this helps you. [When are you going to post in the Cineral Wolf Pack and Dragons?]
why are the first few words here in ALL CAPS? [I LIKE SHOUTING TOOOOO! I DO?]I think you made the mistake of writing this sentence in the future tense. Congratulations for getting the weirdest nitpick I have ever found. I have never seen anyone do that before.
Well if that is a question it is certainly the most oddly phrased one that I have ever seen. Again I will congratulate you for making the most oddly phrased question I have seen (not heard). I have hear weirder questions than that.
hehehe! This guy is certainly an interesting character. I think he is just lazy though... I am still wondering what a steel is though...but I assume you didn't tell us in this chapter on purpose.
Overall I enjoyed this chapter. The part about that one punk not wanting to go up and get a nurse and then changing his mind was hilarious! But how did Andrew's dad get into the army, or rather I should say why? And why didn't he free Andrew. That doesn't really make sense.
I got the sense that this was more of a transition chapter, though I may be wrong. The reason it seemed that way was because of all the dialogue and the somewhat short length. I hope that there will be more action later on. Just FYI I would like to be notified when you post more chapters. Or do I find out through the club? Anyways I hope to read more! Happy writing!!!
Thank you so much, r4p! (I'm so sorry about the sb's by the way! I've had no time!!!)
I guess I understand the first one, but the question one seems fine to me. I meant to italicize the "I" but it didn't transition when I pasted it. Does that help?
Okay, so about the capitalization, @JamesHunt (does the @ sign work here?) seems to be the only one who understands/appreciates it. It's a sort of professional tactic that some writers use at the beginning of each chapter. It looks better with small caps, but that's kind of hard to do on YWS.
Why are my nitpicks so weird??
And, woah there... Um, did you think that Tomas was Andrew's dad? He calls him son, but I didn't mean it that way!
I seriously need to edit this chapter. Joining the club will notify on the new chapters; I'd love it if you could join! (Don't worry if you don't want to be spammed by notifications. I hardly ever use it.)
Thank you very much for your helpful review!!!
That' starlight about the SB's. I have joined the cline btw. And yes I did think Tomas was his dad.
Hello, Wolfie, Wolfare here for a review.
Alrighty, so you finally got another chapter up! Awesome as usual, and I appreciate that it's average sized rather than 'fun-sized'
(like the last one). It's been quite a while since we were told about faelks and the other creature (the wolf-like one, it's name slips my mind.) so I was slightly confused on that part, but you use give us enough clues to kind of guess around that, which is very nice. Onto critique, shall we?For the most part, there isn't very much I have to say that needs to be improved. You have a very nice writing style, which creates a nice flow and is able to slip in description in the right spots, but not abruptly so. One thing I'm kind of concerned about it how nice the guard is to him. First off, he's a prisoner accused of being in 'the Mob', whatever that means (I assume it's not a good thing though), and second off, the guard doesn't owe him anything. Instead it's really the other way around, that Andrew really needs the answers from the guard. Why does he give answers so freely?
Also, the guard kind of seems indecisive. First he says he doesn't believe Andrew is part of the mob. Then he says he has to be, and is, in the mob. Dude, make up your mind. I can understand that you did this for the sake of providing information to us, but information can always wait until its the right time and it fits, not that it doesn't fit here, but the situation is kind of strange. I dunno, just my thoughts.
Your character interactions are really nice, and I love the reverse psychology used in there. Or a form of it, to convince the first guard to fetch the nurse. Another fabulous job, and hopefully you don't take another month for the next part, because I'm /dying/ to know what's gonna happen with the Chaptain. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Thank you so much, Wolfare! Tomas didn't really act believably in this chapter, so I'm really going to need to try and fix it up. I think I have an idea... (You guys might have to read the chapter all over again after I edit it.) Thank you for the advice!