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Assassin's Heart - Ch2

by WishIHadASword


Before you read, just know that this chapter used to be at the end of chapter 1, so if you're thinking that you already read this, it's probably because you did! You don't need to review it again, but I always love more feedback and things I should adjust! But I also changed chapter 1 up a little bit, so you could go check that out if you want! Have an awesome day, enjoy!

~~~

     Amanda stepped through the unlocked door and immediately began to sweat from the heat. Why was this room so much warmer than the rest of the building? Blake didn’t even like the heat.

     There were two beds spaced about half a foot, and each bed was so neatly made that it looked fake. What sort of clean freak would do that? She definitely never made her bed, and it drove her mom crazy.

     She walked to the nightstand beside the first bed and carefully began to open the drawer, looking for something—anything at all. But all that seemed to be in there was an unopened pack of gummy bears, a few stray cough drops, and a folded up sweater. Blake hated gummy bears, and sweaters made him itchy…

     This was wrong.

     A pair of hands gripped Amanda’s shoulders and she couldn’t stop herself from screaming and falling into immediate hysteria. She spun herself around, kicking and flailing. An assassin had her. An assassin had her. Was she going to die? Oh she was definitely going to die. Before she even got a good look at the person who had grabbed her, she raised her hand to hit them.

     Everything stood still—and Amanda’s breath caught—as he firmly grabbed her wrist mid-air to stop her attack. She was locked in a gaze with a pair of eyes the color of dark honey, and both were frozen. She didn’t know what to do. She could barely form a complete thought—much less make words come out of her mouth.

     “Please calm down.”

     The boy in front of her had a voice that wasn’t cold or indifferent as Blake’s tended to be sometimes. It was stern yet comforting. Amanda yanked her arm out of his grasp and backed away as he lowered his hand.

     After a moment of staring, he cocked his head to the side. “I’m wondering about a lot of things right now. I guess I should start with asking why in the name of all things holy are you here?” He was silent in thought for another moment before he smiled, probably to make her comfortable. “And while you’re at it, who are you?”

     She opened and closed her mouth several times before any sound came out. “I-I . . . well I’m Amanda Ch—er, Amanda. I’m sorta here to learn about my friend? Don’t kill me.” Then half a second later, she quickly added, “—please?”

     This made him shake his head. “I’m not going to hurt you. It’s fun to meet new people in our apartment! So you’re . . . one of us?”

     Silence. So it was confirmed—this dude was a killer. He really didn’t look like one though, with his curly golden-brown hair, black glasses, and big sweater. Not to mention his friendly smile—something Blake hardly ever wore, though when he did, it made Amanda’s heart melt and her knees go weak.

     “Uh—I’m guessing you mean an assassin, and the answer is nope. Not yet.”

     “Ah. I see. Are you needing to start the recruitment process?”

     She looked away and found herself studying the floral pattern on his bed. “Maybe . . . but first I need to know if you knew my friend.” Biting her lip, she turned back to face him, and desperately hoped that he actually wouldn’t harm her. “Blake Thornton . . .?”

     If anything she had said before surprised him, this left him completely shocked. “You’re friends with Blake Thornton?” he gasped. “The kid who blew up the girls’ locker room?!”

     It was Amanda’s turn to be thrown off guard. They couldn’t be talking about the same Blake Thornton—could they? Her Blake Thornton didn’t like to make a big scene when breaking the rules; if he broke them at all. Blowing up a girls’ locker room seemed a bit out of character. But who knew? Maybe Blake was the Class Clown of the assassins.

     She almost laughed.

     “Why in the world did he blow up the girls’ locker room?” Amanda said through a small smile. “And the locker room for what? Assassin gym class?

     Her remark made him snicker. “Not exactly. The locker rooms are just for changing into our gear and keeping things we can’t carry around all day. Plus, half of our training sessions are basically gym class.”

     Amanda felt tired just thinking about that. Even just one gym class was a stretch for her. But multiple? Maybe she should rethink her decision to become an assassin to learn more and avenge Blake.

     “He did it because our female instructor laughed at him for not understanding the enjoyment of some prank another trainee pulled. So Blake pulled his own! Man, that guy is a legend . . . this is his old room, too!”

     This made her smile a little bit. Blake loved proving people wrong, which was a trait she often shared with him. And according to this guy, he was pretty popular amongst the assassins. Strange—she was just now realizing how little Blake spoke about his life as an assassin. But another thing he’d said confirmed her guess. This was Blake’s room. Apparently he’d already been replaced soon after he…left.

     “Oh,” he suddenly mumbled, pulling her out of her thoughts. “I never even introduced myself!” The boy beamed and stuck out his hand. “I’m Kaden.”

     She cautiously shook it and marveled at how calming this boy was. He had a soft touch and a pleasant laugh that would’ve lulled her to sleep had she been sitting down.

     He must have been a pretty manipulative assassin.

     “So . . .” she trailed. “You actually . . . kill people . . .?”

     Suddenly Kaden looked extremely uncomfortable. “We don’t really like that word here,” he laughed nervously, biting his lip. “It’s a touchy subject for me, but we always say that the end justifies the means. Besides, we only get rid of the not-so-good people. And my sister stays because it pays well.”

     Then a voice came from the doorway, making Amanda’s heart leap into her throat.

     “Us girls get paid more because we absolutely annihilate our enemies, and we look fabulous doing it.”

     A girl that looked a lot like Kaden was leaning on the doorframe. She had the same golden-brown hair except long and straight, and the same warm, amber-ish eyes. The same olive skin but just slightly tanner, and even the same height.

     Kaden’s face lit up when he saw her, and he laughed at her joke. “Hey, Robbie!”

     Then he turned to her again. “Amanda, this is my twin sister Robyn—”

     “—Robbie,” she corrected as she shrugged off the doorway and came to stand by her brother. “Who the heck is this chick, is she a transfer? Oh wait—did you find a girlfriend at this place, Kaden? Wow, I didn’t think you’d ever—”

     “She’s not my girlfriend,” he groaned, rolling his eyes so hard that Amanda was surprised they didn’t get stuck at the back of his head . “And no, Amanda isn’t a trainee. She’s just a girl looking for—”

     Robbie suddenly looked horrified, and stared at Kaden wide-eyed as she grabbed his arm tighter than necessary. “Did you just say she’s some random girl?”

     Amanda felt a pit in her stomach and her heart pounded in her chest. She was dead, totally dead.

     Robbie reached into the back of the waistband of her ripped jeans and began pulling out something silver and shiny. A gun. Kaden let out a yelp and stepped in front of Amanda.

     “Robbie, no. Oh gosh, I’m sorry! I didn’t even think about protocol . . . Hansen is going to kill me!”

     She usually would’ve thought of that as a normal expression, but it seemed scarier coming from an assassin’s mouth. Was this sweet boy actually going to be killed? Was his twin sister going to kill her?

     Robbie huffed and her grip loosened on the handle of the gun and stared at Kaden for a few seconds. Finally, she grunted and aggressively blew a hair out of her face, putting her gun away. “We'll definitely be having a talk with Hansen, Stupid. And he will most definitely kill you. Now, let's get moving before I have to get rid of this girl you let in.”


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Fri Jul 01, 2022 1:08 am
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

I'm here after reading your assassin letters and the first chapter! I have to say, I'm enjoying the storyline so far! I think the premise is quite nice, and puts a bit of a spin on the traditional damsel in distress plotline; instead, Amanda is essentially rescuing Blake rather than vice versa, which is nice to see! Even though there were a few moments/features that did feel very cliché YA (which totally isn't a bad thing!!), I think your delightful storytelling gives this story great promise.

One thing I really enjoy is the naturalistic narration you've taken with this piece. It's very YA colloquial, and thus it's super engaging. Your main character, Amanda, is very likable. I like how much of a go-getter she is. Her exchanges with Kaden were very natural and showed their personalities very nicely. I'm also looking forward to seeing more of Robbie; I adore her character. And that was quite a moment you left off on at the end there—I'm curious as to how Amanda will escape this scrape! It seems like Kaden's certainly reasonable enough, but I'm not so sure about this Hansen character.

I did notice that you switched POV from your letters piece; I'm not sure how you're planning on structuring the story/what you're planning on doing with it, but if you're using it as one cohesive piece, since I feel like this doesn't make a ton of sense if you don't read the letters beforehand, I'd change the POV of the last chapter of the letters so that it meshes better with your third person narration POV in this work.

Overall: nice work!! I think your story so far is a nice read that is certainly very entertaining. I hope to read more of it soon! Until next time!






Thanks so much! And yeah, Im currently working on switching up the pov of the last chapter of the letters, so hopefully Ill finish that soon!



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Sun Jun 19, 2022 7:21 pm
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This chapter continues to deliver on the exciting plot developments and new character introductions, all packed with a pinch of humor that effectively makes us laugh at times. I like how open your narration is. Even though we are following the third person voice, at all times we know exactly what Amanda is thinking or feeling and it makes the readers feel more connected to the character. Sometimes you quote her direct thoughts or any question that might have been lingering in her mind. These direct thoughts are frequent in your narration and they effectively familiarize us with Amanda's thought processes and how her mind works when pressed by certain circumstances.

For one, I really liked how even though her life was under obvious danger after the introduction with Robbie, the possible gravity of the situation was expressed in a much more light-hearted manner. Instead of panicking or getting excited, she gets nervously worked up, and the interactions in that scene are so chaotic that we do not know how to react ourselves.

The characters of Robbie and Kaden are surprisingly fresh. The sibling dynamics between them is interesting especially because of how different they are to each other. Kaden is more of the sweetheart brother while Robbie is the sassy twin sister, direct and straight-forward. I liked the interactions between the three of them in this chapter even though I still cannot make out their role in the story. But I am sure we are going to learn more about that later, and they seem like good people at the moment.

Some other points:

Why was this room so much warmerthan the rest of the building?

Slight typo here - there needs to be a space between the words 'warmer' and 'than'.

“I-I . . . well I’m Amanda Ch—er, Amanda. I’m sorta here to learn about my friend. Don’t kill me.” Then half a second later, she quickly added, “—please.”

Technically, there is nothing wrong with this sentence. However, since this is quite a tense moment where we are unaware of how the situation is going to play out, I feel like you can play around with the punctuation a little to increase the tension and better express Amanda's nervous state. For example you could change the punctuation to this:
“I-I . . . well I’m Amanda Ch—er, Amanda. I’m sorta here to learn about my friend? Don’t kill me!” Then half a second later, she quickly added, “—Please?

By adding the question marks and the exclamation points, we are emphasizing Amanda's nervousness and uncertainty in that moment. This way the sentence expresses the panic she feels instead of coming out simply like a statement. Its just a suggestion though; you should do whatever works for you!

That's all!

Keep writing and have a great day!






Thanks a gazillion, that feedback helps loads ;)




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