Assassin's Heart - Ch1

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(Quick Note: It's been a long time, but I'm finally here to share something I'm attempting to write. Don't expect greatness, but also this story is kinda my pride and joy, so it would be great if you could read it! I would love some suggestions and feedback because I want to make it better. Also, if you haven't already, read the short Lovely Assassin Letters I have published because those lead up to this book! Now, thank you for your time, please enjoy!

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     "Eighteen-year-old Amanda Daelyn Charlotte—daughter of actor Ricky Charlotte—mysteriously vanished last Friday night, leaving her wealthy parents and life behind. Reports say that her bedroom in the Charlotte mansion was completely destroyed and missing a few items, but as of this morning there is no confirmation that a kidnapping took place...”

     Amanda heaved a sigh and yanked out her earbuds by the cord. The news stations announced her disappearance, but never acknowledged when Blake left last year, she thought with a frown. She adjusted the heavy backpack on her shoulder. Then again, her dad was a famous actor, and Blake’s dad was a police officer who disowned him.

     She walked out of the airport in London and felt an immediate adrenaline rush. She actually made it! From that moment on, she was on her own, free as a bird, and determined as one could be. But Amanda wasn’t here to see the sights—she was here to avenge Blake Thornton’s death. A girl on a mission to get revenge on the people that killed her best friend, and the boy she was in love with.

     Suddenly she was yanked back into the present as she ran face-first into somebody’s shoulder. “Oh—sorry!” she exclaimed to the tall man she had accidentally crashed into. He just gave her a sour look and hurried away.

     When he was out of earshot, she stuck out her bottom lip and huffed, “Rude.” But instead of dwelling on it any longer, she swiped a strand of blonde curly hair that was loose from her ponytail out of her face, and pressed forward.

     Amanda made her way slowly across town, taking buses and cabs and sometimes walking for a few blocks. Blake had taken a huge risk leaking his address to her, but now she was insanely grateful that he had. Otherwise, she would’ve had no idea where to look for his apartment.

     To her knowledge, these apartments were always completely rented out by assassins. Now that was a bone-chilling thought; walking into a building full of trained killers who could end your life before you had the chance to even scream.

     She could see why Blake had been hesitant to tell her about his work.

     But Amanda didn’t feel as scared as she suspected she would be when she found herself at the front of a tall stone building. In fact, she felt a sense of comfort. Blake had been there roughly three and a half weeks ago. It was a bittersweet thought.

     She scanned the building. Was she going to get attacked and killed if she went through the front door? Were there alarm systems or booby traps? She shook her head and felt her nervous jitters increase. She didn’t want to find out.

     Thinking, she looked around. It was a fairly dull, dark street despite all the people hurrying past in brightly colored clothing. It made sense for such a tucked away, dingy place to be the location of an assassin apartment. Amanda suddenly felt as if she stuck out like a sore thumb—wearing high heeled black boots and a leather trench coat while everyone else wore jackets, jeans, and sneakers. There wasn’t much variety or individuality on this particular street, and it made the fashionable side of her cringe.

     Something in the dark alley behind her caught her eye. It was a side door for the apartment building, with boxes and trash cans almost completely shielding it from view. Amanda remembered all those lectures from her mother—“Never go into dark alleyways, hon’. That’s simply common sense, my love! But especially never go alone—horrible things happen to women who dilly-dally in the darker parts of the city . . .”

     She ignored her instincts and better judgment, forcing herself into the alley. Sorry, Mom.

     Mice scampered out from behind some of the old soggy boxes stacked up, and a scrawny black cat that had been hiding further down the space between the two stone buildings snatched the rodent with its claws. She tried not to think about what those two animals could represent in her situation.

     She almost cried out in frustration when she tried the handle and it was locked. It made sense that she couldn't just stroll right into an apartment full of killers, but that didn't make her any less bitter. She backed up until she was almost touching the wall of another building, and scanning the apartment for another way.

     Her heart sank as she saw the indent in the wall where two large commercial dumpsters sat filled to the brim with mostly trash from fast food. Please be wrong, she thought as she walked over to them. Once she was next to the garbage bins, she looked up and groaned. Just above the piles of trash was a relatively wide garbage chute. You have got to be kidding me.

     With a sigh, she hoisted herself up into the dumpster and immediately gagged and covered her nose. She didn’t want to know what the squishy thing she’d just stepped in was, and she tried not to get too upset over the destruction of a good pair of shoes. Amanda looked up again, put her hands into the chute, and launched herself up.

     She nearly yelped as adrenaline pumped through her veins and she slammed her feet and back against the metal sides of the chute to keep herself in. Her hands shook as she kept them flat on the walls on either side of her, and with a pathetic glance upwards, she began to shimmy upwards in the most dignified manner possible.

     Her breathing seemed ten times as loud as normal, and she could definitely hear her heart pounding in her chest. Time seemed to go by so slowly that it could’ve been going backwards. Had it been thirty seconds? Thirty minutes? There was no way of telling from inside the darkness that smelled like absolute crap. She nearly threw up about five times as her hand would brush something that definitely wasn’t metal. It was uncomfortable and painful slowly going up the chute, and she was just starting to feel claustrophobic and panicked when she reached the top. Immediately she pushed open the hatch and threw herself onto the cold wooden floorboards.

     Amanda instantly hopped to her feet and looked around wildly, brushing herself off. She found herself in a…strangely typical looking apartment hallway with doors on both sides and an elevator right next to her at the end. No weapons lying around. No dead bodies on the floor. No assassins waiting to tie her up and stab her. Just some house plants and cheap chandeliers. Once she was sure she was alone, she let out a quiet yet strangled breath. Amazing. She hadn’t died yet.

     For a moment she was unsure of where to go next, but then she closed her eyes as a memory of one of the many conversations she’d had with Blake resurfaced. Thirteen, she thought, breathing in slowly to calm her racing heart. Blake stayed in room thirteen because that was his favorite number.

     Looking at the room numbers she was surrounded with, she realized she needed to go down one floor. She scurried over to the elevator and pressed the down button, which glowed yellow as soon as she lifted her finger.

     The air was still and cold, and she could feel the hairs on the back of her neck stand up as she waited for the elevator. Everything inside of her screamed, GO BACK! But she just told her brain to stop being an idiot, and walked into the empty elevator as the doors screeeeeched open.

      The doors closed and her stomach dropped a little as the elevator went down. The only way Amanda kept from shaking wildly was by holding onto the metal bar for dear life. Fly Me to the Moon by Frank Sinatra played on a speaker overhead, and a small part of her wanted to smash that speaker to bits. But the other part was amused by the calm song in this kind of place.

     She pressed herself to the wall of the elevator as the doors opened again, and then cautiously peaked out. With furrowed brows, she walked into the empty hallway and began looking at the door numbers. She winced every time the wooden floorboards creaked, and wanted to have a serious conversation with these assassins about the ominous dim lighting.

     The whole apartment was dead silent besides her breathing and seemed to be completely deserted, but Amanda knew better—and that didn’t help her nerves or the adrenaline she was running on at this point. She squinted trying to look for Blake’s room—room 6, 7, 8…

     What was she hoping to find, though? Possibly some sort of clue about whether the serial killer or his organization had killed him. Maybe a trinket she could remember him by. Honestly, she wasn’t sure. But she would know when she saw it.

     And she wouldn’t leave until she found something.

     Finally, she saw the room she was searching for a few feet ahead of her. A million thoughts whirled inside her head and she shoved her trembling hands into the pockets of her trench coat. This was it. Whatever happened, she was one step closer to avenging Blake.

     She stopped in front of the apartment room with a silver 13 on the front, and hesitated only a moment to steel her nerves before timidly placing her hand onto the knob.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
deleted43
Review

heY, came to review and love it so far!
to start off, i feel like she has a really pretty name… ‘Amanda Daelyn Charlotte.’ very pretty!
Amanda is an entertaining character, so it’s actually quite fun to read her POV’s. she just has something to her that makes her feel like she’s an annoying, but funny friend. i kind of feel as if she is in my friend group eheh.
on the other hand, there are some mistakes and such. i don’t see too much grief here, as the review below me had said. Amanda probably deals with grief differently, but we need something here to let us know that.
and i feel like i see the word ‘march’ a little too often. perhaps another word to replace it? an example is ‘wander.’
i don’t see much else to point out, so…that’s it! i enjoyed reading the first chapter. :)

Thanks, the feedback is very helpful!

User avatar
RandomTalks
Review

Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

I did not read the prequel that you mentioned in the author's note, but I could still form a basic idea of what was going on. Still, I apologize beforehand in case I misinterpret anything in the review!

This was actually a very exciting start for the novel. I liked how we did not waste any time loitering around the plot and instead launched straight into action from the get-go. Even though, for the beginning of the novel, I thought this was a little fast-paced, I liked how we instantly get absorbed into the MC's world. It was effortless and easy and even though I as a reader do not know anything about the MC, I was interested in her story from the very beginning.

You have a way of pulling your readers in through your smooth and witty narration. There were moments of subtle humor and obvious intellect that made Amanda a very likeable character from the first introduction. She is brave and determined and it seems like she knows what she is doing. Most of all, I liked how strong her voice is. We get a clear idea of her personality through your narration and it establishes her character very firmly in our minds.

One thing I feel you could have delved a little deeper into is her motivations. We know that she is guided by grief and her desire for revenge against the people who killed her boyfriend. And while there were moments when these guiding emotions were evident in your narration, I feel like they took a backseat to the main action of the story. Other readers coming from the prequel of this story might have an instant understanding of what Amanda is feeling. But since this is the first chapter of this new novel, I feel like you should establish her motivations once again so that your new readers can form that emotional connection with the character as well.

Give us a taste of her grief and her loss, perhaps include some kind of a reference to their relationship so that we can understand she is mourning; make us empathize with your character. Since these are the feelings that are currently driving her, I feel they could have been better translated to the readers so that this exciting journey feels emotional as well.

For example, that little scene where she guess which room Blake stayed in by remembering his favorite number. These are small and subtle ways of establishing not only their relationship but this person whom she lost as well. It did not bring any big emotional impact to the scene, but it still felt personal and intimate and made me empathize with her for that moment.

Other points:

The only way Amanda kept from shaky wildly was by holding onto the metal bar for dear life.

A little typo here - it will be "kept from shaking wildly," instead of "shaky wildly."

Fly Me to the Moon by Frank Sinatra played on a speaker overhead, and a small part of me wanted to smash that speaker to bits.

You suddenly switched to the first person voice here (accidentally, I guess), and it confused me for a small moment. Try to avoid such switches as they tend to disrupt the flow of the narration.

Overall, this was a very exciting start to the novel and I hope I could help somewhat with this review!

Keep writing and have a great day!

Hey, thanks! I'll definitely fix some stuff up!

User avatar
Spearmint
Review

Hiya WishIHadASword, welcome back to YWS!! ^-^ In celebration of your return, I present to you a gift: a review! xD
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this chapter-- it was unexpected at times, funny for sure, and quite intriguing. It's not every day you read a story about a girl infiltrating a club of seemingly-friendly assassins! What I love most is how you took this topic of assassins, which I feel like would usually fit into a darker genre, and added a touch of lightheartedness to it. I definitely didn't expect Kaden and Robbie to be so nice, but it's refreshing, and I look forward to reading more of the story! C:
Also, just a quick note-- I couldn't find anything in the "Lovely Assassin Letters" folder in your YWS portfolio, so you might want to check the settings on that. :] But anyways, on to the review!

Amanda heaved a sigh and yanked out her earbuds by the cord. The news stations announced her disappearance, but never acknowledged when Blake left last year, she thought with a frown.

I appreciate how you keep things clear throughout the chapter! I like that Amanda and Blake are introduced right from the beginning, and the events that unfold afterwards are also described well.

A girl on a mission to get revenge on the people that killed her best friend, and the boy she was in love with.

"Oh—sorry!” she exclaimed to the tall man she had accidentally crashed into.

I feel like it'd be good to have some kind of transition here (right now, it feels pretty abrupt). Maybe something like, "...in love with.
Caught up in her thoughts, Amanda didn't notice the person in front of her until she crashed into him. "Oh--sorry!" she exclaimed."
or
"...in love with.
Amanda was yanked back to the present when she accidentally crashed into someone. "Oh--sorry!" she exclaimed."
It's a super small thing, though! C:

Amanda suddenly felt as if she stuck out like a sore thumb—wearing high heeled black boots and a leather trench coat while everyone else wore jackets, jeans, and sneakers. There wasn’t much variety or individuality on this particular street, and it made the fashionable side of her cringe.

I really like this description of Amanda! It helps the reader visualize the scene, and it shows how Amanda's been influenced by her upbringing in a rich family. (And honestly, trench coats are just cool :P)

She ignored her instincts and better judgment, marching into the alley.

Amanda really threw away her mother's lectures just like that, huh? XD

Apparently, Lady Luck was on her side this chilly morning because the side door was unlocked and slowly crept open without a sound.

Hmm, quite fortunate indeed. I'm a little suspicious of the fact that this building, supposedly a home for assassins, isn't that well guarded. Or is that because the assassins are confident in their abilities, and have no need for alarms? But either way, I hope the unlocked door is explained somewhere!

Amazing. She hadn’t died yet.

I'm liking Amanda more and more. :P Great job including her thoughts throughout the chapter-- it really helps the reader get to know Amanda better!

Blake didn’t even like the heat.

The bed was so neatly made that it looked fake. What sort of clean freak would do that? She definitely never made her bed, and it drove her mom crazy.

She walked to the nightstand beside the bed and carefully began to open the drawer, looking for something—anything. But all that seemed to be in there was an unopened pack of gummy bears, a few stray cough drops, and a folded up sweater. Blake hated gummy bears, and sweaters made him itchy…

This was wrong. Very wrong.

Ooh the suspense~ :D
On another note, I feel like italics are a bit overused here, and they distract from the story. Perhaps "crazy" and "anything" don't need to be italicized?

“I-I . . . well I’m Amanda Charlotte. I’m sorta here to learn about my friend. Don’t kill me.” Then half a second later, she quickly added, “—please.”

First thought: Amanda nooo, why'd you give out your real name? D:
Second thought: "Don't kill me" xD
Third thought: "--please" This had me laughing out loud-- yes, politeness is definitely the difference between life and death in this situation. XDD
You do an excellent job with dialogue and humor-- much respect!

Not to mention his friendly smile; something Blake hardly ever wore.

Hmm, so here I'm kinda wondering why Amanda's in love with Blake-- he doesn't seem like a very friendly person. Guess I'll find out later in the story...!

Even just one gym class was a stretch for her.

Relatable. :')

“She’s not my girlfriend!” he groaned, but still kept that happy expression on his face.

Another super small thing, but "happy expression" sounds a bit awkward to me. Maybe "he groaned, though he was still smiling" or "though he still looked happy to see his sister" or something would sound better?

...For now, let’s just get this girl a weapon and a uniform so we don’t have to get rid of her.”

These assassins are a lot nicer than expected. 0.0 I am wondering why they'd just let any outsider join, though...? It seems like this is something Kaden and Robbie are doing on their own, but still, I would think the protocol would be stricter than that. Or maybe it's because Amanda has a connection to Blake? But either way, I'm excited to learn more about this place, and to read more about Amanda's journey to avenge Blake. C:

Overall, this was a great chapter, and I hope you keep writing! Have a fantastic day/night! =D

Thanks a bunch, I'll see what I can fix up!



Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
— Sir James Dewar, Scientist