Don't Speak: Chapter One

I must say that this romantic novel is one I could be reading and read it all over again. A really big thumbs up, loved how it started and i'm looking forward to reading the rest of it.

And again awesome work.

May you write with joy.

Wow, this is a very well written story. Can't wait to read more. You were very detailed and I would say something about a quote, but I don't know how to like everyone else. I love romantic novels, and I feel like this would be a very good one to read. I can definatly see myself reading this one day. This has some major potential.

My feet couldn’t carry me fastest fast enough through the Brady High hallway and down the left stairs

I could hear his (you refer to the guy as Damien below, so I would start that here. Usually calling a character "he" would mean that you don't know his name or it's being used for effect. You don't use it for either of those reasons here) footsteps tramping down after me, and I screamed with terror as I felt my backpack be torn off my shoulders. Once I got to the bottom of the stairs, I ran into the band room and hid under the teacher’s podium. Tears ran down my face as I heard the door open and shut behind Damien. Please, I prayed. Don’t let him find me.

It’s not that I was praying to any specific god(comma) maybe that was part of the problem. What an odd thing to thinkI was never a religious person, my father hated religion and said it just created wars; he was always a very smart person. not amazing description, it sounds almost childish. Maybe he was strongly opinionated, but his views on religion don't make him seem incredibly smart to me He was a drunk, but he was always very smart. Well… in some things. My dear, you say that he's ALWAYS VERY smart, but then you go and say "in some things". You've definitely just gone and contradicted yourself.

I sat under the podium, hearing listening to his deep breath staggering in and out as he trotted around the band room. Music stands crashed to the floor and I heard him as he flipping flipped chairs and punched metal interments instruments. My mind built up with what he may do to me. Awkward phrasing I knew what he wanted. What scared me more most was the fact that he had me alone right now. I was alone with him. I shifted in closer to the back of the podium and curled up in as small as a ball as possible. I heard him walk by the podium and all became silent, he laughed deeply. A chill ran down my spine.

“You think you can hide from me?” he whispered,(period) Damien rammed into the podium and it tipped over(comma) exposing me to him. I cried out as he pulled me up and over his shoulder. His hands held my waist possessively,(replace the comma with "and") his fingers dug into my hips. He took me into the teacher’s empty office as I screamed for help and tried to escape his grasp. I knew help wouldn’t come, but it gave me hope every time I tried. More contradicting. You know help won't come, but it gives you hope to scream? No, no. Pick on or the other, either you don't think help will come, or you have faith I quickly surrendered and stopped struggling as I let my tears flow out, I knew this moment would come and I knew it was no use struggling(period) in the end(comma) the outcome would be worse.

Damien lay me down on the desk and tried to kiss me on the forehead, but I quickly turned my head leaving him kissing the thin air. My cheek lay against the hard wooden desk. Damien’s hands wrapped around and in my hair forcing my face towards him, he moved his face inches from mine. His breath was hot and wet, soiling my eye lashes. He moved quickly and kissed my lips softly. A soft kiss doesn't seem to go with his character, I would think that he would be rough about it, but I could be wrong! He isn't my character I bellowed out a small cry. Damien smiled and kissed me again, this time it was more possessive, deeper, scarier.

Tears swelled up in the back of my eyes. I couldn’t bare this anymore. Maybe death was the answer. The class bell rang and Damien looked at me softly and gave a relishing frown(comma) slowly letting me go. I scrabbled Hahaha, did you mean "scrambled"? I don't remember them having a game of Scrabble of the desk and into a corner of the room; paper flew through the air after being launched of the desk by me. Awkward sentence He walked over to me gaily and smiled.

“Fine dear, I’ll let you go this once(comma)” he said softly. “But it won’t happen again(period)” Just like any other writing, dialogue needs punctuation! He left me there as I finally let my tears fall, What do you mean "finally"? She's practically been crying the entire time then quickly and quietly went to class before being caught down there alone.
This entire scene struck me as odd. If this is happening during school, how did teachers not hear her screams, and why is the band room empty? And who in the hell is Damien? You made him seem like a rapist/murderer, but now he seems to be more of an ex boyfriend. I feel like you made the moment a little more intense than it should have been.


Mr. Bull took my late slip as I slipped in the class room. He glared at me as though I had committed a murder. I looked over at Damien(comma) who was staring at me with complete satisfaction;(period instead) I looked for a seat and noticed the last one was a few seats behind Damien’s. I swallowed slowly and hurried past him(comma) but not fast enough I guess. I felt a fast hand hitting my ass; I stopped and closed my eyes. The class laughed and I started to the desk again, there was no way to escape this torture.

I took my seat, and just then noticed a boy at the front of the class, staring at Damien as if he would kill him. I wish he would, it would make my life a hell lot easier! It seemed, I either had to leave this town(comma) or one of us would have to die before I escaped Damien. The only possible way was me dying, well… at least that was most likely. No more running home,(no comma) and hiding there all night, abandoning any friends that ever tried to get close to me.(comma) Only to find my drunken father pushing me back out. This is another moment when the comment about her dad being 'very smart' seems 'very dumb'. He does nothing to show that he's an intelligent man.

My father was a very smart man, Oh look, there it is again but didn’t ever listen to me, and never noticed anything that happened to me. As long as he had a full mug of beer and I was out of the house(comma) he was happy. My father would push me out of the house. Damien always waiting there to take me where ever the hell he wanted, and do whatever the hell he wanted with me. Don’t get me wrong, I am still a virgin; he tells me he is saving me for our wedding night, once we are eighteen. One more year. Grimy... But in all honesty, this story is a tad confusing right now. She expects to marry the brute?

“Ok, this is Brandon; he is new here, make him feel welcome(period)” Mr. Bull hated new kids, he knew there was no hope for them here,(period) “Take a seat behind Elizabeth(period)” Also, you should give some sort of notion somewhere to let your readers know who's speaking The new kid, Brandon(comma) looked at me,(either period, or change the comma to "and") I cowered under his gaze. He walked over to his desk, his whole body thundered as he walked by. It was if I could feel his weight,(no comma) as he walked by. His large stalky body was warm as he brushed my shoulder. Wasn't he at the front of the class earlier? Or was that a different boy? I'm a bit lost I shrunk back from the connection. He stopped at to stare at me,("and" instead of the comma) I looked down to avoid eye contacted. He walked by and took his seat. The sequence of events doesn't really make sense. Not only does he walk by her before he stops to stare (so how would she know?), but shouldn't he be at the front of the class?

I wanted to look back, I wanted to smile.(comma instead) to show him he could at least have one friend here, but I was scared. I didn’t know this guy; I didn’t know anything about him, what if he was like Damien, or worse…
This could be personal preference, but I really hate when stories end with "..." It really adds no anticipation whatsoever.

Wow. This is really good. I feel really bad for the girl/narrator- whomever's point of view this is in. It seems she's in one of those tight spots when no where is a safe haven away from the life she already has. I mean, she has a drunkard for a father and a sex-craving 'boyfriend'? How could life get any worse? The beginning was excellent, I pictured myself in her shoes. The feeling of being chased, hiding... It's just... wow. Great job! I can't wait to see what happens next! ;D

Hi there,
For starters, I really liked this and because romance stories are my favourite genre, I will be keeping tabs on this story. I think that you could really go somewhere with this, in that gripping-the-edge-of-your-seat kind of way. I knew that I personally couldn't read this fast enough.
The only part that made me go, 'wait, what?' was in this section:

I couldn’t bare this anymore. Maybe death was the answer.