Don't Speak: Chapter Four

“You look beautiful today Beth” Damien’s words struck my mind deeply the next morning as we drove to school. The road was bumpy and I can’t say I didn’t except a few drinks from my dad so it felt like we were driving over sand dooms. Usually when I was around him I was scared, scared for my life and scared for my future. In the last few weeks all I felt when I was around him now was annoyance. I was annoyed by him. I don’t understand why he thought I looked good that day; it was the same jeans I had worn yesterday and a baggy forest green sweatshirt with our school mascot on it.

I looked over at him revolted. I just smirked at him and look back out the opposite window. Damien’s face tensed and he breathed heavily out. I could hear his grip tighten on the steering wheel. I flinched and sunk back into the seat.

“What is with your fucking attitude lately Beth?” He fumed. I didn’t feel like saying sorry, I didn’t feel like going along with what he wanted.

“Do you think that we are together Damien? Do you think we are dating? That we are boyfriend and girlfriend?” I asked, I wanted to know the answer. At this point, I felt like I had to know how he felt about us.

“Of course my darling, what else are we?” Damien spoke softly, like he wasn’t just trying to convince me, but himself as well. I backed off of the question. I was trapped. I knew if I tried to “break up” with him. I would regret it later, and who ever I went to for help, would regret helping me. Tears swelled up in my eyes. My eyes burned with furry and the tears built higher and higher till they blinded my sight. I blinked and tears fell down my cheeks.

“What’s wrong dear?” Damien asked the car came to a stop; I looked up at the red light blazing brightly.

“N-nothing…” I managed to say. I couldn’t tell him the truth, not now at least. If I told him how I felt my world would fall apart, and Damien would make sure I could never leave him. I knew he truly loved me. From the moment at that party he could never take his eyes off me, but what would have happened if when he came to say Hi to me that night I walked away, like I wanted to do. Would I still be in this situation? Probably. Knowing him, no matter what happened, he would have never given up, just like I know he never will.

The thing is though, he wants us to be together forever, and the demons in my mind tell me to run, to get away from here before we end up spending the rest of our lives together. I know that’s what he wants. Damien likes me, his parents like me. My dad likes him. But what about me? Does anyone care how I feel about the man that drives me to school every morning, the man that puts his arms around me the hallways, the man that has been controlling my life since I was 15? No. All they care about is that they are happy. That’s all that matters.

We walked through the hallways at school; Damien’s hand lay on the small of my back as he led me to my locker. I shivered from the feeling of it there. I wanted to run, but that didn’t turn out well yesterday, I’m sure it would work now. Frustration built up, I could feel it, and the only thing that keeps me from exploding at this very moment was the fear that ran through my body like blood. Lately the fear was a lot more dominate then my blood. I am sure my blood could stop flowing and my body would keep going out of fear.

Damien walked me to all my classes and picked me up and walked me to all my next classes. I sat alone, away from all my other classmates today because I couldn’t handle there oppressive stares and talk. Kayleigh and Keara talking about all the gossip, about boys they liked and all the trouble they were going through because of it. Roselyn talking about all the sports she was taking on and how hard it was to keep up with school work. Did they not see the tears on the side of my eyes, threatening to fall freely?

They didn’t understand what trouble, stress, and hard was. Trouble is when you say something you shouldn’t, or do something wrong in front of your father and you get slapped and kicked out in to the freezing cold for the night. Then you have to stay with the only person you can which happens to be Damien and you have to endure trying to fall asleep on his couch while is parents scream at each other and Damien sits there stocking your hairline.

Stress was trying to get all your homework done at school on the computer in the hour the lab stays open after school, so you meet your teacher’s standards because you don’t have a computer at home. Then going home and making sure dinner is on the table, the house is clean, the bills are paid and that money is coming into the house regularly. Sometimes even having to do odds jobs at your neighbour’s house just to pay the water bills.

And Hard was trying not to cry when you are being yelled at, getting beat or being forced to do stuff you don’t want to, because you know if you cry the outcome will only be worse. They think they have hard lives? Think again princess.

Damien picked me up from English just as I knew he would after yesterday’s incident of him not finding me till the last 15 minutes of lunch, and led me to the bunk. It was small room that the school didn’t use and gave Brandon the keys for us to use. We would all meet up here, Roselyn, Brandon, Bret, Damien and I. We entered the small room and I immediately noticed Daniel, he had a dark red dress shirt on with the top buttons undone, and a light leather jacket on top.

I swallowed and I felt the saliva slowly making its way down my throat making me swallow again just to make sure I didn’t choke. Damien made me sit down between him and Roselyn, he put his arm around me very coveting.

The room was small kind of like an old janitor’s closet or office maybe. It had a narrow hallway from the school’s main hallway with one locked door on the wall and then the room itself. The bunk had a high roof and there was a small window that was only accessible if one of us climbed on the other’s shoulders. We had moved some old grubby couches in the room, and hung a few pictures of us on the walls. On the window we had put a heavy blanket that only let a bit a light in the room, other than that light source there was a small table lamp plugged in an outlet in one corner. The lighting we had gave the room a very eerie feel to it.

The boys immediately started talking about football since they were all on the team and kept trying to convince Daniel to join; he kept laughing and saying maybe next year. His eyes never left me, always staring at me, Damien or Damien’s arm around me. I wanted to slink away from Damien and move over to Daniel and talk to him alone. I knew I couldn’t do that though, Damien would have a fit. So I sat there helplessly, then I came up with an idea of how to get out.

“Damien, I have to use the washroom quickly” I whispered, “I’ll be right back” I started to get up and moved towards the door to the hall. Damien followed. I faked a laugh and tried to give him a smile and roll my eyes playfully, I have no idea how it actually came off as but he looked amused with my look.

I turned back around and reached for the door handle, I was just about to turn it when Damien pushed his hand against the door making it impossible for me to open it. I turned around, imprisoned by the lack of an opening door and Damien himself. The hallway was small enough, you could easily fit to girls my size in the hall at once, but Damien blocked the hall like a wall. There was no way to escape. Damien moved closer to me, putting his lips against my ear.

“After your little stunt yesterday, I’m not letting you go anywhere without me.” He whispered, I shivered as he grabbed my upper arm and opened the door shoving me out. We got to the washroom and he stood at the door as I walked in. He watched me intensely as I turned the corner, reminding me he would be there when I came out.

I went into the furthest stall, which was closest to the outer wall, locking the door. I griped the sides of the stalls and rested my feet on the toilet. I put my left foot up on the toilet paper holder and pushed myself up, then grabbing the window sill my right leg dangling in mid-air. I propped myself up on the window sill and heard someone coughed behind me loudly as if to have its presence noticed. It turned my head forcefully to see Damien standing there, hands folded. I sighed pushing myself back down and sat on the toilet.

“Are you done, dear?” He asked in a soft mocking voice. I didn’t answer so he slammed on the outside of the door. I flinched as if flung in. He grabbed my arm again pulling me back to the bunk. He propelled me against the couch next to Roselyn and sate down himself, wrapping his arms around me. I tried to push him away but it only made his embrace tighten.

Everyone looked away and tried to start up a conversation again, it wasn’t for Damien but for my sake, and of course Roselyn started it up. Everyone looked away but Daniel. He starred straight at Damien. The same look he had on his face when I had first seen him, the look like he wanted to kill Damien. I gave into Damien and leaned against his chest, because then he would feel like I wanted him, he loosened his grip but didn’t let go.

Damien held my shoulder as we walked into Mr. Bull’s math class from our spare period, and had me sit beside him. I organized my stuff on my desk, just to give me something to do. Daniel sat behind us, and just like yesterday, I didn’t look back, I just couldn’t. Today it wasn’t because I thought I would be hurt in the end. It was because I didn’t want to see the sympathy on his face, I didn’t want to feel like I needed, yet I already did. I wanted his sympathy but not like this, I just wanted someone to really care about me. Not like this though.

“All senior football players to the gold gym please” The coach announced over the school speakers. Damien and Brandon got up and left the class. Mr. Bull looked annoyed as some of the boys left the class, but started his lesson. His dull voice rang across the classroom, and bored everyone from the inside out. Something pricked my side; I looked back and notice a piece of folded paper at my side. I glanced forward to make sure Mr. Bull was busy and grabbed the paper from Daniel’s hands, The front of it read don’t replay. I frowned and opened the note.

Follow me after school

Daniel

I crumpled it up and shoved it in the bottom of my bag. The class dragged on, I couldn’t decide what to do. I had already pissed Damien off today. Should I follow Daniel? I didn’t know. Mr. Bull was saying anything I didn’t already know, and Daniel sat behind me, what was he do…

The class bell rang and everyone starting leaving the class, I packed up all my stuff as Daniel left the class; glancing behind him to see if I would follow, I shoved my last book in my bag and hurried out after him. What harm could come from following him and making sure I go straight to Damien’s football practice after. I navigated through the hall after Daniel with ease. He was tall enough I always say his head popping up above everyone else.

Daniel opened the door to the bunk and motioned me to follow him in there. I did, and walked to the main room in the back. Daniel stood there running his hands through his hair, then looking at me sadly. I sat down on one of the couches and shook my head.

“Don’t look at me like that” I whispered, he sat down beside me grabbing my hands, rolling it through his. I didn’t flinch, I didn’t pull back.

“What did he do to you when you guys left at lunch?” he asked, now I understood. Daniel thought Damien told me to leave, and that he was… I couldn’t even think of it.

“Oh!” I exclaimed I held his hand in mine; would this help calm his thoughts? I hoped so. “Nothing, I just had to use the washroom and he escorted me… there” That sounded horrible… that escorted me there, that he thought it necessary, again I was trying to leave him, so I guess he thought he needed to. Daniel’s eyes softened there stare and he moved away from me and off the couch.

“Ok…” He said softly. I got up grabbing my bag; I turned back and saw him looking at the pictures on the wall. In all of them everyone looked happy, even me, Daniel was looking at a particular one. Of Damien and I, lying in the grass the camera above us Damien holding it, his arm around me. Daniel picked it off the wall throwing it on the floor. I had a feeling he didn’t think I was still there, so I left as quickly and quietly as possible and went to Damien’s football practice.