Help.

A/N: Just a reminder, this story is rated 18+ for mature content. The ending was inspired by a nightmare I had. 

  I don’t know if the world still repaid kindness with kindness; if good karma still reigned. My doubts began when I decided to buy the fries for my friend Gabriella. This story took place a few years ago. I was still in a private all-girls’ school.

I grew up around these walls, these girls. Ever since kindergarten these girls were my friends. My busmates were my closest sisters, my classmates were cousins whose names I never fully memorized. See, my batchmates were shuffled each year so we meet other girls. I had different friend groups too. I sat with old friends at meal times, I bonded with classmates during class hours and at dismissal, I was chatting with other levels.

There wasn’t much difference with our appearances and where we came from. If we were back in the 1800’s we would have been considered mestiza illustrados a Filipino child of foreign blood, usually half Chinese or half Spanish (mestiza) of a wealthy family who could send their kids to school, both local and international (illustrado). So, yeah until now, the mixed blood is still dominant for the appearances of the kids of today. I’m have one-fourth Chinese blood and my friends had Spanish, American and Japanese roots. There were a lot of pure blooded Filipinos too. For the school, it was started by a congregation that had a really long history. But this story is not about that.

We could be what you must’ve imagined when you think of an all-girls’ school. Pretty, rich and diverse. Snobs? Some are. Manners were natural and heavy or physical work meant nothing. Peers were competition for everything. (Yes, girls who were b*tches-in-the-making bully and intimidate too. They label other girls. I think this was the hardest to cope with.) Boys were alien to us, so don’t be surprised to see us suddenly act differently. There was not much difference with a co-ed school when it comes to the classroom atmosphere. There were friend groups of the popular, the nerds, the loners and the artists too. Bullies spring from all kinds.

Alright, back then, I hadn’t considered myself to be in any of those divisions but thankfully, I was made a member of a small circle of friends who were also black sheep in their old groups. Basically, we were just girls who wanted to spend time with one another and make crazy stories. We were eight all in all, from the same batch.

Now it first happened one day when we started to leave our classrooms for lunch. Five went to the canteen to buy and the other two stayed at the lunch table to save our seats. Doesn’t add up to eight, right? Well, I didn’t know where the other one was.

Because I felt really generous that day, I agreed to buy fries for Gabriella. She stood guard in my place while I went to the canteen.

I was at the canteen with my best friend, Lia. I think we were talking about Cassie’s baking when we made our way back with arm loads of school food. We stopped short when we heard our other friends arguing.

“Gab, if you just had consideration for others, you would have been more careful!” Rya exclaimed. She had brownish black hair, black eyes and a slightly tanned complexion.

“It’s not a big deal!” Gabriella answered. She shared the same features as Rya but she was skinnier and had softer angles framing her face. “I could—“

“Destruction of property is so a big deal!”

“What is going on?” I asked seriously when we got there.

The two fell silent under my voice and hard stare. Yes, I acted like the group’s ‘leader’ figure when it comes to arguments. With this, the others don’t seem to disagree. Lia got the food from my arms and placed them on the table next to her batch then looked at them with the same seriousness. I looked at them: the two who were arguing were Gab and Rya, the other one who didn’t seem to want to get involved was Alice. She was an adorable little thing with black hair and brown eyes. The other three were yet to arrive so odds are fine. I asked Alice to explain.

“See, Rya left her water jug there on the armrest,“ she pointed at the armrest to my right. “then Gabriella slipped and—”

“She didn’t slip!” Rya interrupted. “She pushed my jug out of—“

“Let her explain,” I said firmly. “We want to hear the unbiased version.”

I knew what everyone was thinking. Of course Alice’s story would be biased. In fact, anyone’s take on an argument with Rya would be against her. To explain, everyone hated her for her intolerable temper. ‘Well, why do you guys still keep her company?’ You might ask. We were too eager to later be beatified as a group of holy innocents.

My reply made her angrier but she let Alice speak. “Uh, so Gab slipped and in the attempt to steady herself, she grabbed hold of the post behind the armrest.” She demonstrated this a little. “Sadly, the jug was there and fell. Before Gab could reach over and get it, Rya looked up from her book and saw the damage.” Alice looked at me with her sleepy brown eyes. “Then the yelling began.”

I scrutinized the two. I gave Rya most of the glare. She frowned and looked down, saying, “May the defendant have her say?”

“Sure,” I said, “If you could tell me who it is.” This merited another glare from her. “Something of yours broke.” I glanced at Gab. “And you were accused.”

Lia glanced at me and gave me the look. “It was an accident and you are both at fault.”

The usual happened. Rya argued.

“Oh my god. That’s it?! No more investigation or even hearing our sides of the story to—“

“Rya you left your book there”—Lia pointed to the corner—“Meaning you wouldn’t have seen the right angle when she fell. And Gab did fall.” Lia nodded to Gab’s right ankle and sure enough, there was a fresh wound.

Yes, we were Sherlock Holmes fans.

Rya continued to fight back but it was all meaningless chatter. I just made them apologize since it was a really silly thing to fight about. They just ignored each other from then on.

“Thanks a lot, Roni,” Gab whispered to me when I entered the lunch table. “If you hadn’t come in time, I would have grabbed her hair. It’s such a small problem! She’s definitely getting on my nerves.”

“Gab—“

“I hate her temper.”

“Ha, you’re not alone on that note, friend.” I glanced at her. “There must be a reason why she acts like this.”

“Now you’re talking about me behind my back?” I hear Rya say. She wasn’t looking up from her book but I could see the scowl on her face. “Ain’t that rude guys?”

We ate, silently ignoring her. Our other three friends arrived. They were surprised to see us eating quietly. We were usually bustling with laughter.

“My mother’s going to nag me later on and you all don’t care,” Rya said. “Thanks.”

“Then explain what happened!” Lia suddenly cried.

“What did happen?” Anna asked.

“She wouldn’t understand, she never does,” Rya said as she ignored Anna.

“Let Gab explain,” Alice suggested.

“Oh no. I’m scared of her mom,” Gab said. She turned to me and her eyes plead.

“How about I explain and you forward your apology?” I proposed.

“Oh, thank you!” Gab said. “Please do just that.”

“Well of course if Rya doesn’t want me to speak---“

“Roni can explain,” Rya said.

“What is going on?” Chris asked. “What the hell happened?”

Rya sighed exasperatingly and suddenly burst, “It’s none of your business Chris! Stop prying into other people’s problems!”

“Whoa,” she said. “Easy! I just wanted to know so I can help if I—“

“If I wanted your help, maybe I would have told you by now, right?!”

“Rya, I’m just asking because I’m concerned—“

“Haha! You? Concerned for me? As if. You’re just looking for something to gossip about—“

“Oh, Cesar stop!” Lia said. “You both are acting like children! We just got out of a fight. C’mon, guys…”

“Chris do you want me to take over?” I asked when I saw that it was just the eye of the storm in both their eyes. It could get worse.

“I won’t let you!” Rya said. “This is about me and—“

“Please do,” said Chris. She massaged her temples and sighed. She knew it in herself that she was also a short-tempered girl. Having two of the kind to clash would be calling for war. All my friends trusted me to end their fights, given that they wanted me to. “Roni please take over. I’m tired of this.”

I nodded to her then glanced at Rya. “May I speak to you? Alone?”

She began to leave the lunch table. “Do I have a choice, chief?”

The lunch tables were on elevated ground beside the lower floor that had portable cages which held some of our sports equipment. These containers were transported by a ramp at the side, between the Sewing Room’s wall and the elevated garden, making the deep middle look like a trench. It was in this trench where we spoke.

“They are talking about me now,” Rya said as she stared at the field to her right.

“Can’t say they’re not,” I said when I seated myself in front of her. I sat on the cage that held the softball gear that held memories. Softball was definitely my favorite sport, though I wasn’t a varsity player.

“You all hate me,” Rya said, eyeing the gear below me. I shrugged

“Can’t say we don’t,” I replied. She furrowed her brow then looked at me.

“Okay, that was hurtful,” she mumbled. “Why?”

“Why did it hurt or why do we hate you?”

“The second,” she said. She began to look genuinely sad. “It wasn’t always like this. I don’t understand.”

“Have you ever thought about your temper?” I said somberly.

“I have.”

“Well, that’s the problem.”

“I know.”

“Then why don’t you control it?”

“I do control it!” she suddenly yelled. I reeled back a bit.

“I see that,” I said sarcastically. She grew red then sighed.

“Alright, maybe I can’t control it.”

“Have you tried?”

“Yes!”

“No, you haven’t.”

“Kill me, Brutus!” she exclaimed. “That’s so easy for you to say! Your patience is as long as the diameter of earth! You’re so kind I wonder how you hide your halo! Your charisma puts rebels to shame! Yet you’ve never been in a real fight, never seen the world though pained eyes! You can’t understand me because nobody hates you.”

I frowned a little, unbelieving of what she said. “You don’t hate me?”

“N-no,” she said as she looked away. “It’s impossible to hate you…”

“Hm.” I stared at her and thought of a good rebuff for the rest. “You’re right. I don’t face your problems therefore I don’t understand what you’re going through. But remember that I have my own problems to stress over. It’s true that nobody hates me. That’s because no one really knows me that well to see what part of me is hateful. I feel alone in a crowd, I feel alone with friends. I’m human too. I get mad at you too. I’m just good at hiding it, I guess. I don’t know if hiding your anger means patience or tolerance.”

“What are you trying to say?” she asked.

“Other people have problems too, Rya,” I answered. “We don’t know how heavy their problems are so we don’t have the right to use ours as an excuse for behavior. We can’t judge people unless we walk a mile in their shoes.”

“Hypocrite.”

“Aren’t we all?” I said seriously. I looked at her solemnly. “I’m being honest when I say that I don’t hate you.” She looked at me a little surprised. “Yes. I hate your attitude.”

“Wow, thanks.”

“I want to help you out.”

“Help me?”

“Well, it’s obvious that you’re always grumpy because of those problems.” She frowned at me.

“Yeah right, why should I trust you?”

“Uh,” I said. “Hate to break it to you, but I don’t think anyone else would be eager to cope with you to change your ambiance.” She gave me an irritated look. “Alright, if I can’t help with those problems, I can still be someone who will listen to you. Keeping it all in will tear you apart. I swear to God, I am purely a listener, secrets are safe with me. No blackmail guaranteed.”

“How will I know you’re not lying?”

I grinned. “For starters, our friends are all still together. And you’re not yelling at me.” She glared at me still.

“Why do I keep feeling like you have an ulterior motive in this?” I shrugged.

“Maybe because you’re not used to have someone be nice or willing to listen to you?”

“God, you’re so mean,” she muttered. “But you’re also right.”

I raised a brow. “Good job! You’re improving already, acceptance is always the first step!” I smiled.

She tried to hide her grin with a hand waving the statement away. “Oh, whatever. Thanks, but I don’t want your help.”

“You’re sure?” She removed her ponytail and tied it again while she considered this.

“What’s in it for me?”

I laughed behind my hand. “Rya, it’s all for you!”

“It’s not if I don’t want it.”

“Alright, I have deal: give Lia and I two weeks to change that attitude of yours—“

“Wait, why does Lia suddenly pop in?”

“She’s my partner in crime all the time, take it or leave it,” I said. “Okay, if after two weeks and you still don’t change,“ I raised my hands in surrender. “I step out of every fight you get into.”

She laughed this time. She laughed so loudly it made me flinch. It was strange to hear such a sound from a hot tempered girl with such a small body.

“My god, you believe in yourself that much, Roni?!” she asked, still giggling. “Haha! If I win this thing, your friends will kill you for sure!”

I beamed. “I’m confident, Rya, that’s all you need to know.” I walked towards her and held out a hand. “What do you say, Scrooge? Shall we shake on it?”

She took my hand in hers and shook it firmly. “May Dickens truly guide your words.”

I squeezed her hand then pulled her closer to me. “I prefer Hugo,” I whispered. I let go of her rashly then chuckled a little. “Why are you suddenly so red? I thought we’re through with the hysteria.”

“I think it is only beginning,” she must have mumbled. I didn’t hear her. I just checked my watch then said, “C’mon. Ten precious minutes of our lunch just passed.”

• ***

I’ll tell you this, the plan worked. I’m not saying it was easy, it took time but it eventually worked. Lia and I got to tame Rya in two weeks. The strategy was simple enough. One of us would play Confidante and the other would play Others, both would play Friend. I was Confidante and Lia was Others. My job was self explanatory with a pinch of therapist in there. Lia’s job was to act like other people of society so Rya could practice her people skills (or anger management) around them. As Friend, we guide and explain things to her.

All went okay when we started to get used to her. We did the talks very naturally, as if it were just conversation and not really an appointment. We spoke every day, exchanged stories and pains, memories and dreams. In no time at all, she was back as the Rya we once knew. The less grumpy one.

I learned a lot about Rya too. It was true that her story was sad. Parents divorced, one untimely death after another and with no siblings to comfort her along the way. She was alone and mad at the world and everything around her. All she needed was someone who’ll listen to her and be her friend. It was a gradual transformation, but Lia and I saw her through and got to change her perspective of life and her attitude somehow.

“May I ask,” Rya began one day when we were the ones saving the table. “Why do you and Lia do this?”

“Do what?”

“The Help thing,” she replied. “With a capital H.”

“Oh,” I began. “Well, for practice. Lia wants to be a psychologist or actress and I want to be a writer or speaker, right? Helping others with their problems and understanding the way they feel is a good exercise for us.” I smiled. I realized a better answer. “Besides, it feels wonderful to help others.”

She stared at me strangely then carefully asked, “Why do you do it?” she turned away again. “I m-mean I think there’s more to it for you.”

I took a second to think it through. “You’re right, there is more to it,” I said facing her. She looked back at me meaningfully. Oh, very good! You’re keeping eye contact! Progress! “Perhaps I do it because it is the only thing I’m good at,” I mumbled bitterly. “I’m not very excellent with math or science but I am good with words and talking to people: understanding them well.”

She nodded slowly. I continued, “Maybe I do it because I don’t want others to be lonely like what I had experienced.” I was in half a trance. “As cliché as it might sound, I have big dreams to change the world like all of you. But before I go for a big change, a little one must be made. Even if it was as little as coaxing a short-tempered girl.”

Rya returns my smile.

Our little conversations started and ended as something like that. It was honest work and I loved doing it though I would sometimes get yelled at, had to cope with mood swings and be a shoulder to cry on…literally.

***

Time flew faster for us than expected. A year passed and soon, we were nearing graduation. My friends and I stayed close and crazy and constantly trying to beat each others’ heights. Haha, I ended up the second tallest next to Rya. We laughed and joked and splurged on school events, studied our hardest (when we felt like it, of course) and just had fun.

Then, thinking we were really nearing graduation, we thought of randomly giving gifts to one another as remembrances. We were all game on this one. I gave them cute little nothings that meant a tiny memory for us: that rock we thought magical when it turned white, a leaf from that tree we thought was a home for imps, that pink eraser that looked just like a potato… All my friends gave me something of theirs at least once every month but for Rya. She would give me something every two weeks!

Towards the third quarter of the school year, I had enough trinkets from Rya to sing Twelve Days of Christmas to. It was really thoughtful of her actually. Everyone knew I was a sucker for poetry, so she would write an original poem on a little piece of colored paper to go with each remembrance. She would also treat me an ice cream or a bag of popcorn when we saw each other at dismissal.

Haha! See? Being Confidante and a good person pays off! Free food and poetry! But of course I couldn’t brag these gifts to the others. That would be rude.

Don’t get me wrong, I thought about the possibility of that. I went to an all-girls’ school ever since I can remember. My best friend had a crush on a girl for crying out loud. Yes, I noticed Rya’s actions towards me. She seemed to want to be with me more than the others and each poem was more beautiful than the last. Oh, not a chance, I thought to myself. That’s just the Confidante effect. I’ve seen it before many times. It’ll wear off soon. She must be really intent to be a well-known poet one day.

Sure enough, the effect wore out. A week passed when we hardly saw each other. There were days when she completely ignored me unless I spoke to her. We would say hi in the corridor and bye at the gate still. I wasn’t hurt or worried about her avoidance. I learned to expel attachment years ago.I didn’t sense that anything was wrong…until the day after the Christmas party came.

***

I went to school that day to submit an extra project for credit. Naturally, no one was at school anymore since Christmas break already started. Students would stay at home or go abroad or their provinces for the holiday…and I had to go to school for that project. Darn.

I didn’t tell anyone about this extra project or that I was going to school after the party. The truth was that I wanted to go to school alone. Think in those corridors alone for once…and also get a higher grade in history.

After submitting the extra research I made to my teacher, I slowly descended the stairs and the ramps alternately. My teacher’s office was at the fourth floor so I had a lot of stairs and ramps to descend on. I was just there, admiring the views I grew up around in…remember; I was a graduating student, I was taking the goodbye slowly. The smell of the air in the memory of that childhood I had. We looked for rainbows in puddles on rainy days, we played hide and seek in the field and gardens. We played softball, basketball, volleyball, badminton, soccer and all pinoy sports.

I was at the end of the corridor of the third floor and in so deep in my nostalgia that I didn’t hear the voice that called out to me.

“Roni!”

I finally turned and saw Rya running towards me. I gave a little smile when she stopped. She was wearing jeans and a hoodie and her hair was cut short at her neck. We were at the end of the corridor on the deserted third floor which housed one of the classrooms that we were classmates for a year.

“Hey,” I said when she arrived.

“Hey,” she said when she panted from her run. “W-what brings you here?”

“I just had to come back for something, yeah,” I said. “And you?”

“I…I called your house but they said you were at school,” she said. Was that a nervous tone I heard?

“Uh, you wanted to see me?” I asked. “What is it?”

She pressed her lips together in a straight line, unsure of what to say. I furrowed my brow in worry. “What?” I asked after a while. I saw her scan me from head to toe then groaned.

“Argh!” she turned and banged the classroom door with her fists.

“Whoa! What happened, what?!” I turned her shoulder so she faced me. “What’s wrong?” She looked away again and buried her face in fists, still leaning on the door.

“Damn it, you look lovely,” I heard her mumble. I was wearing jeans, a loose, three fourths sleeved blouse, a black sweater and my hair was in a messy high ponytail. I let out a forced chuckle.

“Thank you, but I’m not convinced that you’re upset because of my outfit,” I said. I drew a big breath then let it out. “Okay, I’ll give you time to think it through—“

“I think I need a hug,” she said, still hiding her face from me.

“Well, why didn’t you say so?!” I stepped up to her then gave her a hug. “Damn it, Rya, if a hug was all you wanted then—“ I was about to let go, but she suddenly hugged me tightly by the waist. “Ah, okay then…” I felt her ragged breathing against my shoulder where her head rested. “Hey…” I muttered to her in our hug. “What is it?”

She turned her head so that her nose was against my neck then breathed my name, “Veronica…” I felt a shiver run down my spine. I pushed her shoulders back so I could see her. She looked sad and cold, her black eyes seemed to glisten. Her arms were still wrapped around my waist, cradling me firmly. My hands rested on her upper arms.

“Rya what are you—“

“I can’t hold it in anymore, you know that,” she said.

“Hold what in? I don’t,” I answered.

She sighed a little hard then answered through her teeth, “You damn know what I mean, Veronica!”

Before I could reply, I felt her warm lips against mine. It felt strangely good but the attempt to speak made her think I was kissing back. She was kissing me quite harshly. Wait what?! Damn, she was stronger, I felt her grip tighten. I tried talking through her lips, “Rya! Rya, wait…I—“

She finally stopped and pulled away gently. She held my face in one hand and my waist in the other. I blushed a deep red as I caught my breath. For the first time, I was lost for words.

“You know, I was unsure of this feeling when we started out at the Help,” she said. “But now I know. Yes, now I know! I know I love you, oh, I love you so, Roni…” she inched closer for another kiss but I turned away. I looked at her, feeling sad and angry, betrayed at the same time. She was too stunned to keep me in her arms when I stepped out. “Y-you don’t love me?”

I shook my head. “Not like…this.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I’m sorry if you misunderstood my actions,” I said. “Rya, you’re just confused. It’s just the hormones—“

“What?” she said as she looked angry for the first time in a long time. “No…No, I know you love me too, I mean. You spend time with me, you talk with me for hours, you comfort me—“

“I do that to everyone, Rya!” I snapped. “I’m so sorry if that meant something else to you, but it’s the truth.”

She stood there, giving me that glare I haven’t seen in a long time. No. There was a different light in her eyes that day. “Rya?” I saw tears glistened from her eyes. She looked down.

“Ha, what a fool I am,” she said. “Tell me, did you like that kiss?”

“Rya, you’re just confused.”

She looked up with a monstrous rage in her eyes. “Maybe you are.”

I was about to run away but her arm seized my waist and the other at my arm with an iron grip. I wanted to scream but her mouth blocked my words and my gasps. She pinned me to the wall, her tongue invaded my mouth forcefully. I cried as she hit my stomach to make me stop fighting. I tried pushing and scratching her but she ignored it all. I tried using my legs but one of hers was in between mine, rubbing me the wrong way. Tears stung my eyes as I felt her hands grope me everywhere, she and I panted harshly. She moved to my neck and sucked so cruelly, I was choked in my tears to yell for help. “Rya…Rya…Rya please, stop…”

“No…you’re the one…who’s...confused…” She touched me more and I cried. “Doesn’t…this…feel good?” She touched.

“Rya, don’t please…” She caressed me and I moaned, I was so weak on my knees. She leaned against my chest and nibbled on my clavicle, I panted, afraid and aroused. Oh god, no… My arms grew limp then Rya thought I gave in. When she started unbuttoning my top, I saw a window. I gave a blow to her neck and her stomach then pushed her away, shivering as I did.

I stumbled five paces away from her. I heard her coughing then I turned back, my tears still fresh on my face. I was shaking and angry but all I did was cry. She looked back at me and the lustful glare was gone from her eyes, she was worried now.

“R-roni—“

“Don’t come any closer!” I yelled. I took another shaky step back and cried. “Why?!”

“Roni, I love you,“ she plead. “I just wanted you to love me back—“

“Why would you do this?” I sobbed. “Why? Why? Why? W-w-why…?”

“Veronica, I love you—“

“You don’t!” I glared through my bitter tears then ran away as fast as my soiled body could take me.

  I never turned back. How could I? Now i'm stained. Oh god forgive me!   Now there's a constant fear of everyone... god forgive! I thought i was doing good! Why?  Why must this happen?!

I ran home as fast as I could, locked my door and cried till asthma took me.