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Weeping Willow (Prologue)

The scent of nettles and sun block danced in the wind as a young teenage girl made her way through the fiery colors of the wood in the autumn of 1914. The wind was chilly and harsh but she kept walking in a moderate pace, clutching her black coat around her and letting her sky blue eyes delight in seeing the warmth of the leaves around her. She smiled to herself as she continued her journey, going deeper into the woods. She wandered off far from the path and started downhill.

She stopped. 

The sight sent a chill down her spine. She saw the grass luster fade away as it stretched to meet the small bank of a narrow brook. Trees from the other side hid the sunlight, making the water look black, deep and…you could almost say dead. The wind had stopped moving but the frigid air remained as if time was frozen and all the colors turned black, white and gray.

She should’ve run away but her eye caught sight of an unusual looking tree. She brushed a strand of her platinum blonde hair from her face as she looked at the massive and old-looking weeping willow. Her light blue eyes dilated first in surprise, then narrowed in curiosity. With her gentle breath staining the air, she made her way to the tree. She crept to the side and drew a few vines back, feeling the small layer of dust in each leaf, to enter the tree’s domain.

It was dark but she could make out the shape of the tree: a sagging but majestically detailed trunk that was around fifteen meters high and three meters in diameter, the ever-extending branches above that held the countless vines and leaves that looked like curtains. Dim light was radiated from the cloudy sky and dispersed when it tried to sneak into the tree’s bosom. It was like an abandoned tree palace for the nymphs of the brook. She stood in awe at the beauty of the tree, then slowly noticed something on one of the high branches. She squinted.

It was a rectangular shadow… It was… A painting? She spotted another rectangular shadow. Another? And another! She counted…twenty paintings hanging on the branches of the tree.

“Where did these paintings come from?” she whispered to herself.

“A painter, obviously,” a man’s voice answered in the dark. She jumped in surprise and turned upwards and to the direction of the voice.

All she saw was a dark silhouette of a man in an old looking suit standing on one of the thickest branches of the tree. She stepped back in caution and was about to run, but the man’s deep and soothing voice stopped her.

“Do not fear,” he said. “I will not harm you.”—he leaped from his branch and landed three feet from her—“I just need someone to listen to my story.”

The girl just stood there, shuddering from the stranger’s daunting demeanor and all the possible danger she could be in. She blinked at him as he approached her. She saw his features from the dim light: long raven black hair tied back in a low pony tail, a sharp and square jaw, his nose hinted some European heritage and his complexion was pale. His eyes were the most intriguing of them all; they were a deep violet, almost glowing despite the ill-lit area.

He took another step in front of her and she returned the gesture with a step back. His eyes stayed dead as he looked at the young girl.

“What is your name?” His softer voice hinted a kind soul underneath a murderer’s mask. The girl hesitated. “I hold no weapon, dear.”—here he opened his arms and emptied his pockets—“I just want someone to hear my story; someone to write it.”

The girl’s blue eyes studied him carefully. She saw the sadness.

“What’s in it for me?” she said.

“A story holds countless lessons if we look in the right places,” he replied. “Don’t you want to know the story of the paintings you see here?” he looked at her in the eye. “Or at least relieve a man of his loneliness?”

“You will tell me a story?” she asked again in caution. He nodded.

“Just a story?” He nodded once more.

“And you want me to write it?”

“Yes.”

“But I am no writer.”

“Oh, I can assure you that one way or another, you will find yourself writing about this day, I swear it,” he said. “I just want to tell the story of my life, the way I know it, to at least one soul in this world.”

She hesitated again.

“A story could never hurt you,”—He said sorrowfully at her as he looked down—“a-at least, not as much as it hurt the witness.” He glanced up at her with his pitiful violet eyes. “Please miss.”

She looked at him again in his old clothes and his pleading eyes. He looked like all he did was to swallow the misery of the world and not complain. The crestfallen soul that was blindly looking for salvation was his aura.

“It’s Blithe,” she said in a small voice. “My name is Blithe.”

The stranger gave her the smallest of smiles. “Blithe. It’s a lovely name.”

He approached her again and led her to a small stump. “It’s a long story and I’m not so good a story teller, but I will do my best,” he said. “Take a seat.”

She sat on the stump and faced the tree with her back to the brook. In the distance, the sun was setting and darkness started creeping around them.

The man lit a match, illuminating all his pale and handsome features. He turned away from the girl and lit one vine of leaves that was close to the tree. It quickly caught fire and travelled up high and at the end, it gave light to a small candle. The flame travelled still, to the higher branches and lit another candle, and it turned left, then right then zipped and zapped in a line, lighting all the other candles that awaited the flame.

By the time the fire had gone out and the sky was dark, the single vine that the man lit was reduced to ash while the candles shone the perfect eerie yellow light on the twenty paintings that hung on the branches.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Pretzelstick
Review

Heya pretzelsing,

I have to tell you that I truly enjoyed this story because it was just so mysterious. I am almost attracted to it and I assume that the rest of the book will be the man's story.Anyways, let's get into the review.

Throughout this whole story you were overly descriptive and use adjectives almost with every noun. it almost made my head hurt ;) but anyways I think that you could use more precise and exact verbs.For example:

The wind was chilly and harsh but she kept walking in a moderate pace, clutching her black coat around her and letting her sky blue eyes delight in seeing the warmth of the leaves around her.


Okay so I have italicized all the adjectives/adverbs and made bold all of the verbs. So what you have to try to do is to make the verbs more exact, and then you can delete some of the adverbs! :| You can use an online thesaurus and type in all the verbs and then look at more interesting synonyms for them!

The wind had stopped moving but the frigid air remained as if time was frozen and all the colors turned black, white and gray.


This is kind of unrealistic, that the colors would turn this quickly.So since you labeled your novel: realistic/dramatic it has to truly be realistic, which here it is not. Colors don't change in one second, you know :?

Okay here is another quote:

a sagging but majestically detailed trunk that was around fifteen meters high and three meters in diameter,

What :?: Wait a second :shock: how would this girl know the measurements of this tree especially in the dark. I think even in the daytime she couldn't estimate so precisely and know this. I know that you were trying to give us description, but I really don't care about these measurements and it doesn't add to the picture in my head at all. I would cut this out. :|

She counted…twenty paintings hanging on the branches of the tree.


You don't need that ellipsis (three dots ...) there. It is just not necessary!

I also liked this parallel pattern kind of that you set here, the man wasn't a good storyteller and Blithe wasn't a good writer, but I have a feeling that they will both grow during this story and improve.In this prologue you didn't really give us any characterization at all. What is Blithe like? What here her characteristics? What does she like/dislike? What she is she afraid of? I assume that you will show the man's characteristics later in the story when he is telling his story though.

I hope that this review helped you a lot and I am requesting that you ping me a notif or send me a PM when the next chapter comes out because you have got me hooked on this novel and I would like to follow it.I truly encourage you to keep on writing Chapter 1!

Happy Review Day!

Image

Hello, WaltzingDreams! Your story seems rather peculiar, but that makes it kind of intriguing. Perhaps the willow tree has a deep poetical meaning? I've always loved willow trees, so I can't wait to see how it ties in to your story. Anyway, let's get to what you can fix:

"letting her sky blue eyes delight in seeing the warmth of the leaves around her."-Sky blue eyes delight should be replaced with something that shows more of an action. To me, delight is an adjective and has been used incorrectly in this sentence. Maybe you should try "letting her sky blue eyes find delight" instead.

"long raven black hair"-I would separate this with a coma into "long, raven black hair," but that might be just a personal preference, when in reality, it doesn't matter.

"His eyes stayed dead as he looked at the young girl."-To me, stayed dead sounds kind of odd. Maybe you can replace it with remained?

Also, I see that you mark this as "realistic." However, while I was reading it, it seemed to me it was more classified as fantasy. I could be wrong, though.

I apologize if I seemed harsh, and I hope you don't mind. It was overall rather an enjoyable read and I can't wait to see what happens in the future of this "Weeping Willow!"
~Prez. T

User avatar
Purnima
Review
Purnima wrote a review · Sun Feb 22, 2015 9:18 am

Hello! Purnima here to leave a review. Happy review day! :D

This was a really interesting read and I'm captivated by the setting you have here. What I'm going to do is comment on each section of this prologue instead of going at it as a whole.

So, the first paragraph. I really love how you begin describing the setting and giving context of this story through such vivid imagery. Your use of colors in your descriptions really sets the mood for this story and I like that.

young teenage girl made her way through the fiery colors of the wood

This is phrased quite awkwardly. The girl can't make her way through the colors. She can only make her way through the woods which are filled with fiery colors. I hope you get what I mean here. So I suggest you rephrase that sentence.

I love how you've focused on how vibrant and rich the woods are and then BAM, everything's gone and looks dead. That was extremely effective because the contrast is so visible and easy to picture.

She crept to the side and drew a few vines back, feeling the small layer of dust in each leaf, to enter the tree’s domain.

This is again, quite awkward phrasing. Maybe you could rearrange the phrases or break this sentence up so that it flows better.

I really like how you've described the willow. There's an ethereal feel to it while at the same time, the lack of colors is disturbing. And the astonishment when the girls sees the paintings hanging from the branches was clearly depicted. I like the use of ellipses here. They're very effective in conveying her surprise and the whole situation she's in.

Ooh, I like how this mysterious man just jumps down from the tree. The way you've written it almost seems like this is a fairy tale. And he has violet eyes. Wow. I can imagine how stunning they must be against such a dull background.

The crestfallen soul that was blindly looking for salvation was his aura.

Again, the phrasing is kind of awkward here. Maybe you could just say, He seemed like a crestfallen soul blindly looking for salvation.
Or something of the sort. I strongly recommend you edit this sentence though.

Blithe definitely is a pretty name. :)

Oh wow. I just imagined fire travelling along dead vines to the top of the tree and lighting up candles. It's a beautiful image you've portrayed here, and it seems even more like a fairy tale than ever.

I'm really curious to know what this story is that the man's going to tell her. I'd love to read this further so it'd be great if you'd leave me a message once you put up the next chapter. I hope this review was of help to you. Great job with the prologue!

User avatar
Barbilo
Review
Barbilo wrote a review · Sat Feb 21, 2015 7:41 am

What an interesting piece. You were able to captivate the reader because now everyone wants to know the guys story. It's a good story. Here's my review:

- Avoid too many ellipses and dashes. e.g: “I will not harm you.”—he leaped from his branch and landed three feet from her—“I just need someone to listen to my story.”

Instead just write it out: “

“I will not harm you.” He leaped from his branch and landed three feet from her. “I just need someone to listen to my story.”

- What is on the paintings? Is this supposed to be a mystery to the reader.

- Do you introduce the teenage girls name later in the chapter for a reason? If not, just say her name in the introductory paragraph e.g. Blithe, a vibrant teenager was heading home from school. (just an example)

- Be careful about small grammar mistakes. e.g 'but she kept walking in a moderate pace, clutching her black coat around her and letting her sky blue eyes delight in seeing the warmth of the leaves around her.'

It should be: 'but she kept walking AT a moderate pace, clutching her black coat and letting her sky blue eyes delight in seeing the leaves around her.' PS: I removed the warmth in 'her sky blue eyes in seeing the warmth of the leaves because we do not feel or necessarily see warmth, it's a different sense. Also removed around her on 'clutching her black coat' because clutching gives the idea of where the coat is.


- Are his eyes really violet? Like dark purple? Awesome.

Hope this helps, you have a good story going so keep it up.



I have a Gumbie Cat in mind, her name is Jennyanydots; Her coat is one of the tabby kind,with tiger stripes and leopard spots.
— T.S. Eliot, Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats