Weeping Blood Book 1 Battlefield~Prologue

Hey there! I saw one of your chapters in the green room, so I decided I should start reading at the beginning. First of all, I'm getting the idea you're setting the stage for a great adventure. You ended this prologue with a cliffhanger, which serves to make the reader curious about what will happen next. I like that.

So one thing I would suggest is to watch your spelling. Words like "altar" and "veil" are especially tricky, because there are identical sounding words that have different spellings and also mean something totally different. Spell check might not catch them because they technically are words, just not the right ones for the context you intended. So keep an eye out for that.

I can tell you're very much into descriptions and setting the scene. That's a great skill to utilize in writing! However, this is also an area you may want to polish up. You used a lot of passive verbs, as well as a lot of wordiness in places where a few strong sentences could have done the job. For example, it's probably not crucial to the story that the reader knows every detail of the characters' clothing. Although you have a specific image in your head, sometimes it works better to leave room for the reader's imagination to fill in the details. A detailed description dump can be boring and distract the reader from the story you want to tell.

Again, I noticed you used a lot of passive verbs. This takes some of the vividness away from writing. You don't have to use fancy words all the time, but think of ways you can structure the sentence so those passive verbs are few. And speaking of sentence structure, I noticed there was very little variation in what you used. Most of the sentences were simple sentences, with few compound or complex ones. This is good because at least you don't have a problem with run-on sentences, but try to use a mixture of sentence types. Save the string of simple sentences for action-packed scenes.

One last comment I'll make is simply that I've never heard Ezra used for a girl's name. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it, I just found it unusual.

Overall, I think you've got a cool story in the making. Keep invested in it! Continuous editing and improvement will make it all the better. Keep up the good work!

Hi there Dossereana! I saw this and wanted something to review, so here I am!

A quick note: some of this may come across as harsh. That is not my intention, it's just that it's been awhile since I reviewed anything. I definitely want to help you out!

Off the bat, I would say to split up this first paragraph some more. Right now, it's a wall of text which can be hard to read for some, and it isn't appealing to some readers if that's the first thing they are shown in the story.

All of the light brown wooden chairs were filled with rows and rows of people. All the people sat staring straight at the groom on the alter,

eventually saying you may kiss the bride. Eventually he then said you may kiss the bride.

“Fine I’ll tell you, but you’re not going to like it,” He paused making sure she was ready for it.

Hello! FlamingPhoenix here with a small review for you! Hope your all tucked up and warm tonight! lol

Okay well with that done lets begin.

The start off to this chapter was really amazing! You set the scene so well I felt like I was there watching the wedding play out, you really did well with your description, this is one of your best peaces. I can just imagine the sun coming through the windows lighting the room in a warm glow. Oooo it really is such a touching and exhilarating scene.

I also like how you described the emotion coming onto the characters faces, the look of pride and joy mixing together really is so nice!

Your name choice is also very unique, its not something I'm used to but it fits, and add more character to the story.

For a prologue this has a really nice balance between getting to know the characters and suspense. It was very sneaky but cleaver how you started it off with a normal wedding *Cough* (for a King and Queen that is) then you got the ship and you add in that small touch of suspense and curiosity, it's a great way to keep the reader hooked. I myself am very curious as to what he said to his wife.

May I add in that the description in the second part was really good too! It was very calming.

Well I'm afraid that is all from me! (<-- I know you will make fun of what I just said.) Once again this is a fantastic chapter, you really are out doing yourself.
I hope you have a great night and post again!

FlamingPhoenix!
Reviewing with a fiery passion

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy...well here I am to check out the story...I do like the title, it promises to be quite exciting judging by that...so I'm hoping for some fun things in this story...anyway on first glance, it's definitely intriguing but I'm a little unsure if this should be a prologue or a first chapter, other than that it looks pretty good.

Anyway let's get right to it,

All of the light brown wooden chairs where filled with rows and rows of people. All the people sat staring straight at the groom on the alter, who was staring back at them as he watched and waited for the bride. The kings hazel eyes showed a light sparkle. His smile was just a slight lift of the cheeks as a little bit of joy showed across his whole face. The room was deathly silent all of the sudden as music started playing. The bridesmaids and the grooms men then started appearing as they walked slowly down the aisle to stop at the side of the alter. All the grooms men wore there blue tuxedos with light pink roses in the front pouch. While the groom wore a black one, with a white rose in the front pouch. All of them also had black bows. The bridesmaids wore long light flowing pink dresses, which brushed the floor. The dresses had a high chest, which were decorated with lovely flower patterns. They also wore light pink high heels, with three roses at the back of each shoe. They held small bouquets of light pink roses tied together with a smooth pink ribbon, in both hands. The bridesmaid’s hair all had little starts of plats, and had been finely curled all over. The ordains watched as all of the people walked down the aisle. Then the music ended and another piece started playing. All of the people rose up from there seats. The groom’s smile got wider, and his teeth showed a little. His bride was slowly walking down the aisle with her father at her side. Her father was dressed like the grooms men. The bride on the other hand wore a long strapless white dress that reached the floor, and it also trailed behind her. The dress had rose patterns covering it, and in the middle of each rose was a silver diamond. The pattern stopped at her waistline, where there was a nice circle with a white bow in its center with silver diamonds. Her white vail trailed behind her, it reach the tip of her dress, covering her face. All along the sides of the vail it had flowers and leaf patterns. Her large bouquet had white, red, and blue roses. It was all tied to gather with a silky white ribbon, shaped as a bow. As she walked you could see the slight glimpse of her high heels, they had little white roses all along the front halves of them. Then the back halves all the way to the actual heel, was covered with medium, and small sized silver diamonds. The bride slowly walked up the aisle as she and her father went in time to the music. Her shoes tapped the ground softly. Through the vail the bride’s blonde hair was tied back into a lovely rose pattern. The groom watched as his bride reached the alter. Her father then un joined their arms, going to sit in one of the seats at the front on the left side. All of the people then sat as if mesmerized.

The kings crown glimmered golden as both him and his bride turned to face the administer, and the administer then started reciting ceremonial rites to both the groom and the bride, eventually saying you may kiss the bride. Eventually he then said you may kiss the bride. The groom and the bride then turned and looked straight at each other, then the groom lifted the vail from over his brides head and they kissed. Everyone started clapping and cheering but maintained composures in their seats. The administer reach his hands out and took the brides vail off of her head completely, then he placed it on the red pillow that the man on his left was holding. On his right side was another red pillow which had crimson rose patterns going all around its edge. It held the new queen’s golden crown on it. He then picked it up gently in both hands and placed it on the brides head. . She straightened her neck, and then both her and the groom turned around once more.

“Everyone stand!” the administer ordered, and all of the people began to stand, they looked to the alter. He then spoke again and bowed slightly “Presenting King Anniston Hemkelra and you’re new Queen Ezra Hemkelra of Haffaknor!” The crowds of people bowed like the administer then rose again. Then they all clapped, and cheered, and shouted joyful words. Anniston, and Ezra then started running down the aisle as flowers and large bubbles flew through the air. Slight bits of confetti started to fall all around, and the maidens started dancing down the aisle as the bride and groom entered the next room.

Small waves hit the sides of a large cruise ship as it sailed through the northern seas of Haffaknor. King Anniston stood at the silver railings steering out at the vast ocean. The sun shone like lighting flashing through a night storm. The fresh sea air filled Anniston’s nostrils, as he breathed in and out. The azure sky seemed to be raining down its glories wishes. Seagulls flew high above the ship as they started in search of food. Queen Ezra came outside onto the deck of the lovely ship. She then came, and stood next to her husband.

“It’s a lovely day isn’t it,” Ezra said with a soft gentle touch. She put her hand on his back and looked him in the eye. Her light brown eyes looked at him with concern and slight worry. King Anniston put his arm around her and pulled her close to him.

“I agree,” He answered his voice trailing though the air like soft violins. Even from Anniston talking so calmly Ezra still new something was troubling him. He always seemed to keep it to himself, but they were married now, and she wanted to know what was going on.

“Are you okay you seem a little off today, what’s the matter?” Ezra asked making real sure that no secrets where kept. She knew that if they both kept secrets there marriage wasn’t going to last long. She then pulled out of his arms and went to stand beside him. She held his hand tightly in hers.

“I’m alright.” Anniston answered as his chest tightly clenched. Ezra stared at him, and lifted her eyebrow. Anniston didn’t know what to say to her, they were on their honey moon and he was worrying about other things. Well that really is a great start to the marriage. He knew that he had to tell her things. It just didn’t feel right to tell her right now. Ezra let go of his hand as he won’s again hugged her once again.

“Fine I’ll tell you, but you’re not going to like it,” He paused making sure she was ready for it.

Ok. So here I am to provide you with a very short, perhaps a precise review. Whatever, let's jump to it.

All of the light brown wooden chairs where filled with rows and rows of people.

kings hazel eyes showed a light sparkle.

. The bridesmaids and the grooms men then started appearing as they walked slowly down the aisle to stop at the side of the alter.

All the grooms men wore there blue tuxedos with light pink roses in the front pouch

All of them also had black bows. The bridesmaids wore long light flowing pink dresses, which brushed the floor.

eventually saying you may kiss the bride. Eventually he then said you may kiss the bride.

Ezra asked making real sure that no secrets where kept.