Young Writers Society

Hey there, Dossereana! I hope you're having a good day!

Okay, i haven't read the previous chapters, but I peeked in here and thought I'd drop off a review.

The story seems pretty interesting! You've got a nice build up to the point where Clodovea faints. The tension was laid just right and I'm sure people following your novel would have felt a lot more intrigued by the whole thing. I can't comment much on character development, but from what I've seen you're definitely working on that, too!

Now, moving on.

The solders started counting down from ten seconds to zero.

I think you can remove the "to zero." It's understood that they're counting down from ten; that's all we need to know. The "to zero" bit is obvious.

Caption Clodovea

There's a little typo here; I think you mean "Captain" with an "a."

Alizar looked calm and not even a little bit of sweat could be seen. It was almost as if he wasn’t even trying. While Clodovea just looked like she’d been in the shower, because she was sweating everywhere. The solders had gone back into the arena, and waited for further instructions.

Lovely description here, it shows the different skill levels of the two quite clearly.

This wasn’t what usually happened after she’d fort

I think you mean "fought" and not 'fort?"

Clodovea had started jumping up and down yelling. She hated losing.

Okay, this is quite funny, but also a little strange. I mean, she's a captain. She has have some more self-restraint, or she'd never have become captain in the first place. Jumping up and down is a little too childish; perhaps you could say she just screamed with anger?

She walked slowly over to Clodovea, who was restyling with Alizar.

I think you mean "wrestling."

The then looked up at the king as he started to pound down on her chest.

I think there's a typo here? I believe you mean "He then looked..."

King Anniston got up from his seat and ran over to the phone on his right. He picked it up and started dialing triple zero. Somebody then picked up the phone and asked him some questions that he quickly answered as fast as he could.

How far has technology advanced in your world? On one hand, you have swords and arenas, but on the other there are phones...

They’d been waiting for a hole hour

Typo: I think you mean "whole."

“I’m afraid to say, we do have a rare disease in mind that can cause your heart to stop, and it can also cause seizures, which is what happened. But this isn’t to say that she has it, she might though,”

Ah, this is scary! I hope she's okay.

“Come on then you herd the doctor,

*heard,* not "herd."

“She’ll be okay,” King Anniston new that he couldn’t keep promises. Both of them then started walking out the hospital together. Each of them having their own separate thoughts about the day’s events.

Good, solid way to end this chapter. I see you've chosen to leave your readers on a cliffhanger!

Overall, this is a pretty good piece! The main issues that I can point out are with regard to spelling, punctuation, etc. Story wise, you've done great! I'd love to see more of your work, I'll drop off reviews whenever I can!

~ Lee

Aahh yes it's me again, FlamingPhoenix. You know me, I just love to review. XD

Right lets start.

This review I'm going to take my time and enjoy! Hehe I'll make it worth your while.

The solders started counting down from ten seconds to zero. General Alizar and Caption Clodovea making there last moves. King Anniston could see that Clodovea really wanted to take the place of General, but she never won. Just before the solders counted the fifth second Alizar managed to take Clodoveas sword. The battle then ended and both of them came down from the arena. King Annstion could see that Alizar had handed Clodoveas sword back to her. He could also see the disappointment in her eyes. She so badly wanted to become the general, but beating Alizar was going to take a lot more effort.

Ah poor thing, she will get it at some point she just needs to wait for her moment, it will come soon I'm sure.

I was just thinking while I was reading this and i think this would be a fantastic opening to the chapter if you maybe extended it a bit. I mean they have ten seconds right, well you can have them do a lot in that time to make it sound more urgent and well for the reader to be on the edge of their seat. XD I know I will be like that.

“Now that solders is what happens with a higher and a lower ranking, well done General Alizar and Caption Clodovea,” King Anniston looked at them both with a slight smile. Alizar looked calm and not even a little bit of sweat could be seen. It was almost as if he wasn’t even trying. While Clodovea just looked like she’d been in the shower, because she was sweating everywhere. The solders had gone back into the arena, and waited for further instructions.

Oh Alizar you show off. This was a good demonstration of skill between the rankings, so good job with that.
I also like how Anniston is so tender at his part, his not being or harsh, he smiles! XD

The King sat still in his chair. His hands fanned out in front of him on his lap. Alizar was just waiting for the king to give the orders, while Clodovea just looked like she was trying to catch her breath. This wasn’t what usually happened after she’d fort. King Anniston started remembering her last fight with Alizar were she’d lost. Clodovea had started jumping up and down yelling. She hated losing.

Hahaha, I love that. It really tells us a lot about her character.

“Alizar,” The kings hazel eyes started going from looking at Alizar to Clodovea. Alizar watched his eyes closely, while Clodovea was just looking down at the ground.

Hmm, something feels a little out about Clodovea, why isn't she shouting?

“Yes sir,” The general answered trying to make it seem like he had no idea what the king was going on about. Alizar turned to look at Clodovea, who was pale and breathing hard. King Anniston lifted his hand to signal a maid who was standing on the right side of him. He turned his head to look at her as she came towards him.

“Would you be a dear, and go get Clodovea something to drink,” He asked trying to be polite while inside he was worried. He’d never seen his caption looking this sick before. He could see that for some reason she was hiding her left hand with her other hand. Alizar had obviously seen it because he’d started to grab her right hand to try to pull it away.

Yet again another show of Anniston's caring character.
Poor Clodovea.

King Anniston looked at the maiden who had come back with a glass of water in her hands. She walked slowly over to Clodovea, who was restyling with Alizar. Finally the General managed to get hold of her right hand and open it up. Alizar looked shocked when he sore how red it was. It was almost bleeding. The general let go of her hand so that she could take the water from the maiden. Clodovea picked the water up carefully in both hands. The glass shook slightly from her shaking, but she drank the water up quickly.

Why's her hand red, did she hurt herself? Hmm something isn't right here is it.

“Clodovea are you alright,” General Alizar asked with concern, but the Caption didn’t answer. The General was about to take the glass out of her hand when suddenly she just fell to the floor. Her head hit the ground with a hard thud. Alizar went down to feel her pulse. The then looked up at the king as he started to pound down on her chest. King Anniston got up from his seat and ran over to the phone on his right. He picked it up and started dialing triple zero. Somebody then picked up the phone and asked him some questions that he quickly answered as fast as he could. He then put down the phone and ran down the stairs to where Clodovea had fallen. Alizar was doing mouth to mouth and another solder was doing chest compressions.

Ah and there is the million dolor question, though I think you asked it a little late.
Oof ouch that will hurt when she wakes up. Oh they have to do SPR oh dear how bad is her condition?
Well I must say they are a very organized group.

Anniston, Alizar and the solders where now sitting in the waiting room hoping to hear from the doctors soon. They’d been waiting for a hole hour already and there had been nothing.

Well that must be a massive waiting room. XD An hour isn't to long to wait.

A doctor then walked in with a file in both of his hands. His brown eyes looked at everyone around the room as he closed the glass door behind him. His black top had the Hospitals logo on it.

“Clodovea is stable, but I’m afraid she’s not awake yet,” The doctor said trying to give them the good news before the bad news. Anniston looked up at him questioningly.

Aahh that's good to know, don't want anything bad happening to the Captain.
I'm also very surprised the doctor doesn't have a white coat on.

“Do you have any ideas of what might have happened?” Alizar asked making sure to get all the information. It was almost like he’d read the kings mind.

Thank you Alizar we all were wondering the same thing.

“I have sent some tests out, now I’m just waiting for the results, they’ll take about a day to come in, any other questions,” The doctor looked at them all knowing that there must be more. Anniston was wondering how long she’d be in the hospital for. He decided he’d let the doctor just tell them that when it came to that.

Yup and here is the hard part, having to wait for the tests to come back, having to wait for a day to find out if something really bad has happened. She did bang her head so she could have a concussion.

“Joshua do you even have any ideas of what she might have?” Alizar asked trying to get everything out of the doctor who just look strait into his eyes.

“Half an hour after she came in, she had something known as a seizure, now this can be triggered by a few things like kidney frailer, or even a disease that is quite rare,” Doctor Joshua explained, trying to be positive about the hole thing.

Really dude that wasn't very tactful, but I guess you have to be strait to the point. And none of those sound good.

Anniston looked at the doctor for a moment. He then look at Alizar who had put his head in his hands. Joshua took a deep breath in and out before carrying on.

I do hope Alizar doesn't think its his fault.

“I’m afraid to say, we do have a rare disease in mind that can cause your heart to stop, and it can also cause seizures, which is what happened. But this isn’t to say that she has it, she might though,” Joshua answered trying to sound like he knew exactly what to do about this hole thing. Anniston wasn’t sure why this would suddenly just happen now. Clodovea was fine yesterday and the day before that.

Don't say anything like that until the tests are back! Don't need to get more sick people do you. No need to give them a heart-attack yet.

“I’d suggest you all go home, where going to have to keep her here over night I’m afraid, I’ll call you if she wakes up,” Joshua said looking at Alizar who was now looking strait back at him. He then walked out of the waiting room with his file in hand.

Hmm, is there a connection between Alizar and CLodovea? I know I've said this but I do hope he doesn't blame himself for what happened, I'm not even sure if Clodovea knew about it.

Anniston stood up and looked at all of them. There was no way they where going to carry on training now. This was just to much disturbing news for one day. He looked hopeful about this. Maybe he’d be able to get a bit more peace for a while.

“Come on then you herd the doctor, it’s best if we go home,” The King ordered making sure everyone of them followed him out. They all moved slowly from there chairs. Alizar was the only one who didn’t move an inch. Anniston walked over to him and took the Generals hand in his.

“She’ll be okay,” King Anniston new that he couldn’t keep promises. Both of them then started walking out the hospital together. Each of them having their own separate thoughts about the day’s events.

Now this is a very mean way to end the chapter, we don't get to find out if she's okay or not? I mean you really but out a lot of options for bad things to happen in this chapter! And I'm worried, will she be okay or will she not make it? Ah so many questions.

Well I guess I'll have to wait for the next chapter wont I, or until you rewrite. Ahh the suspense it's killing me.

Well that's all from me for now. I do hope you will continue writing the story, I really do enjoy it! Post again soon!

Until next time
FlamingPhoenix.

Reviewing with a fiery passion.