Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Dramatic

16+ Language Violence

Honorine's Revenge

by Vil


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Honorine let her graying hair drop, letting her black ribbons float to the floor. She would be fifty-two tomorrow. Next month, it would've been Jean-Noël's twenty-eighth. But he was dead. Her son had died in her arms almost seven years ago, when those damnable bombs had gone off up and down the Meretican Empire and brought about the deaths of millions.

His death had been caused by his wretched, evil, damnable father.

It was almost April 16, 2074. That would be the exact day, but it still wasn't for two more months. But she couldn't wait that long. So what if the King had him in chains for the rest of his life? That bastard didn't deserve to live.

She was garbed in a black dress, as if to go to a funeral. Her pale, misty eyes were full of grief and suffering. What she was about to do could've been done with magic, covered up... but she wanted the world to know what she had done and why.

She slowly made her way down the cement hallway, watching, waiting for some sign of life from Jaques vra Jeanardé. He was laying on his cot, scratching away with a pen on old notes and parchment. The King had given the traitor that much-- his books, his writings, his pens. But he didn't deserve those any more than he deserved to live.

The cell was simple-- cot, chair, table, toilet, sink, a shelf for anything personal he was allowed to have. The man himself wore a dark purple sweater and khaki jeans, a nice pair of shoes on his feet.

Honorine cleared her throat, staring the ancient man down. "Hello, Jaques."

The eighty-nine-year-old stopped scratching notes and placed his pen on the table. "Honorine," he said. The old snake was pale, and his eyes were gaunt and hollow. His once-neat hair, mustache, and goatee were now an overgrown, unkempt mess.

"He's dead."

"I know," Jaques answered, slowly standing up, keeping a hand on the table. "So Sinestra, and Michael, and everyone else have reminded whenever they come to visit."

"You don't care."

"I take it that's not a question?" Jaques asked rhetorically. "No, I do not."

"And of Justinian, Justinia, and Coralie? Do you not care that they were trampled as the army came for you?"

"They were pawns in a greater game. But that game is not over yet."

"You disgust me," she growled quietly. "I loved you once. Natalia loved you once. And you've repaid our love, our years of hard work, by being the reasons we've lost children. I lost one. She lost one. You lost nearly twenty, but you don't care. You didn't care when Ismelda passed. You didn't care that almost your entire bloodline had been wiped out--"

"Shut up!" the old man snapped. "I don't care because there is no reason to care!"

"Oh, but there is," Honorine said quietly, opening her handbag. She held a gun now, and she was already pointing it at him. "You're a pathetic weasel. You killed my son. You caused the deaths of so many members of her family, of your family. And she and her new husband dare to spare you, and you show no remorse."

The old man smirked, his snake-like eyes glaring at Honorine as he allowed himself a small, dark chuckle. "She ran to Michael, as she always does. That's nothing new."

"There is no love in your heart," Honorine said quietly. "Maybe there never was."

-----

Honorine was the one in the cell now, quiet, alone. At last, she could rest.

The trial would start in the summer. She was allowed visitors, and already many had come-- the King, the Queen, their kids, their grandkids, even their great-grandson, who was hardly a year old. Lawyers had come as well, seemingly in packs, as well as advocates for the execution of the wicked man that was at last gone from the world.

He would hurt no one else's child.

He would kill no one else's friends.

He would never be anything more than a dark memory.

At last, Honorine could sleep peacefully at night, not worrying about him trying to escape, not worrying about what he could do to some poor girl with his words. The snake was dead, and she had outlived him.

"Thank you," so many had said. "You've done a great service for so many."

The King had been disappointed, of course. He'd always been too optimistic, too hopeful. And that'd proven his downfall more than once in the past few decades. But he understood. Michael always understood...

But it didn't matter what King Michael thought.

At long last, Honorine was free.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
525 Reviews


Points: 27067
Reviews: 525

Donate
Sat Sep 19, 2020 4:03 am
View Likes
Tuckster wrote a review...



Hi there Vilnius! Tuck here answering the call for someone to review this work, and possibly crossing some items off my Checklist Challenge. As part of that, I'll be experimenting with a new Review Template that I accessed here. I hope you don't mind being my guinea pig. Let's jump into this review!

I really liked the way you fleshed out mysterious and horror-like feelings throughout this story. The way that the characters were dressed, the futuristic setting, and the prison scene, as well as the advanced age of the characters, painted a picture that fit seamlessly together. It was a well-described story that left me feeling a sense of mystery and relief that your heroine has finally been freed from her slavery.

One thing in particular I'd like to commend you on is your use of description throughout this piece. You did an excellent job of including small details that contributed to a somewhat haunting feeling. The futuristic setting created an air of mystery, and you carried that through the story by placing it in a damp dungeon with the familiar fantasy trope of an old man imprisoned by a tyrannical king. Additionally, you shared some small details that added splashes of color to the story, like the way Honorine is dressed. Overall, it was a very atmospheric story that left me wanting to read not only more from this world, but more from you.

Something I will note is that I had some confusion towards the end, perhaps a bit more than is healthy. I was most confused about how the old man is connected to the story, and how he immediately understood what Honorine was talking about before they had spoken. Things also seemed to escalate very quickly in their dialogue, which in turn threw off your pacing and rhythm slightly. The plot seemed to not work as well for you as your description, as it was at time hard to follow what exactly was happening and the significance of each character. My main suggestion for you would be to improve and strengthen your plot so you have some clarity there.

Secondly, you introduce a good number of secondary characters in the middle. I tend to be on the extreme end of the spectrum in terms of comfort with a broad cast of characters, but it was hard for me to identify the relevance of each character to the plot. If you were to continue this story and bring in some of these characters later, I'd definitely need to reference this chapter to understand what I needed to know about them. That has never been something I've enjoyed as a reader, since it pulls me out of the flow of the story and inconveniences me to have to flip through the book to find some crucial details about the characters. It's definitely something to keep in mind as you write, especially since it can be easy as a writer to forget that these characters are brand-new personalities to the reader.

So overall, there were a few missing parts of your plot that left me with some questions that should have been answered in this story, and perhaps a few too many characters introduced in a short timespan for my liking. That being said, your use of description in all the right places painted an encompassing and captivating story that drew me in and left me engaged. It was undoubtedly my favorite (and also, in my opinion, the strongest) aspect of this story that left me wanting more from you. I hope to read more from you soon, and I'll see you around the site!

Best,
Tuck




Vil says...


I had to reread this-- I don't think anyone has ever told me that my descriptions were better than my dialogue. XD

Thanks for your review!

Yeah, there's about... oh, six decades worth of backstory regarding all of this, so I had to shove a lot into a tiny space. Neither fun nor easy, but I haven't quite gotten to that part of the story yet, and I was quite excited to share it!

I'm glad you liked it.



User avatar
112 Reviews


Points: 799
Reviews: 112

Donate
Tue Sep 08, 2020 2:01 pm
View Likes
LZPianoGirl wrote a review...



**My Thoughts**

Hey Vil! Lucy here with a review! I really, really liked this short story! It is different than what you usually do, but I thought it was amazing and you should totally do more stories like this.

**Capitalization, Grammar, Spelling, All That Jazz**

So, I don't have anything to really say in this category! It was super well written.

I do think that it was a bit confusing when Honorine began listing off names of Jaques' kids. There were so many of them xD. Maybe if you had said in some sort of way that he had killed a ton of his kids, not just Honorine's son, in the beginning, that would make it less confusing.

**I Don't Know What To Call This**

OK, so overall, this is a wonderful story! Somehow, you make us feel sympathetic for Honorine right off the bat, without even knowing she was going to murder Jaque. You also do a great job of making us feel like we know a lot about them, even though we really don't except that Jaque killed a bunch of kids.

One thing confused me though. Why didn't the queen or king have Jaque executed in the first place if they visited Honorine after she was jailed? I understand that they wanted to punish him by making him live for the rest of his life in this tiny cell, but he was allowed to write and do things, so that doesn't really make sense to me. I would have just killed him right off the bat. :P

**The End**

Sorry this was such a short review! I have class in like two minutes. I really did like this story! It was short, but you were able to describe everything you needed to. As always, have a great day and keep on writing!Image




Vil says...


It's fine! I'm glad you like it! :D

King Michael believes in mercy, and it was his hope as an extreme altruist and optimist that Jaques would realize the error of his ways and repent.



User avatar
395 Reviews


Points: 34500
Reviews: 395

Donate
Tue Sep 08, 2020 2:05 am
View Likes
EditorAndPerks wrote a review...



Hello! I wanted to give a quick review on this work of yours.

This almost reads as a fairy tale, mostly because of how things are described, with the great juxtaposition of a grieving mother and a heartless father, and how a major event happens in a few hundred words. I actually want more of the story here, as a con of writing a few short piece leads to more narrative telling instead of showing, as the reader is told directly the characters’ ages and that Honorine had lost her son in a wide-scale massacre.

I definitely feel sympathy for Honorine here, although I think this might have flowed a bit better if she goes over her life while preparing to kill her (husband? ex-husband?), well Jaques to be easier. The conversation worked well here though, in showing how despicable of a person he is, in not caring that he lost so many children, and in a manner that we can assume he had a part in.

Part of me wishes we could see another one of these conversations, such as when her family visited her, or when the King visited her, so we could get more than just the note that Michael was disappointed. I just like getting more of the showing side of things (at least in what I read; writing is another manner) so I wanted to point some of those pieces out.

There definitely seems to be a moral here, on the ideas of fighting for what you believe in regardless of the cost, discussing revenge, or discussing the good and bad sides of certain actions, so I think that works well as a kind of folk tale/story line. Very interesting! I hope this helped.




Vil says...


Thanks for your review!

I'm really happy that the short conversation they have in this.

I'll most likely rewrite this at least partially or in its entirety at some point in the coming weeks, so I'll definitely try to include your recommendations in it!

Jaques was a... let's call him a consort.





You're welcome! Oh, that makes more sense. I was really wondering how he had that many kids XD



Vil says...


It's fine XD



User avatar
25 Reviews


Points: 175
Reviews: 25

Donate
Mon Sep 07, 2020 9:56 pm
Stringbean says...



ToT

Honorine ;-;

....*cries*




Vil says...


Not on me. All on you.



Stringbean says...


I sent the song, this is on me ;-;



Vil says...


Very much so.




No person can be a great leader unless he takes genuine joy in the successes of those under him.
— W. A. Nance