Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
connor. rap
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,498 Reviews
Hi @Ventomology!
So this is really, really good: just the right amount of sass, attitude and confidence that made this a very witty read.
Your diction is good, REALLY good, you had me hitting the dictionary for words like "Decadence" and "Paragon." *Hides Face*
I read this as the rap that you made it to be, and it sounds really good in my head; I could sing this for my friends in a game of Antakshari if the time ever came to it.
And I like how you combined sophisticated words (to borrow terminology from Artemis15sc) with bad-ass, punk words of the 21st century; it gives a lot of character to the poem and to its narrator. I also like how you construct your verses, your beats and pauses are very clear, like:
(fast) You thought I'd burn red(fast)
(Beat) Instead (Beat)
and places like Daylight Lite, and
(Beat) The sparkle faded. (beat)
(Fast) You're back in England (fast)
(Beat) We're not fated (beat)
So i think the last line could have been written in a more.....interesting(?) way? It seems a little pale or dry as compare to the rest of the the poem {this is just moi interpretation, of course, so feel free to ignore this); and since I can't think of a better line myself, lets just move on.
Finally, I have to say that i like the story you told here (like I said before; its very confident).
Love your poem! As a fellow Bi I've always associated with purple, and I know a lot of other Bis do too. I don't know if this was intentional or not but I loved that you used pink instead because it highlighted how you are an individual. And the fact that you specified bright pink made you even more so.
My one comment is that you kind of sent a mixed message with your tone. At times it felt really sophisticated, and the other it felt really casual or down to earth. It's mostly because you use such varying word choice. At times you use words like decadence, preference, and deference; but then you use words like butt, ditched, and thing. While it was an interesting choice to use different tones like this for me it was a little distracting, but maybe that's just me.
Anyway, thanks so much for sharing. Keep being beautiful!