Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
Sera was about to pass out from butter-sugar-flour-chocolate overload when Kali slammed open the door to Kyle’s room. Sera flinched up off the floor. Kyle cringed. Benvolius froze like a kid caught with the cookie jar.
“Done talking nerdy?” Avon asked, still sprawled over the laundry Kyle had already managed to strew about.
“Your paying visit to La Drippe without retrieving a takeaway coffee for me is abhorrent, first of all.” Kali arched a brow, and the boys stiffened under her gaze. “Second, our spell preparations require another day, so I come bearing a suggestion for your afternoon.”
Not more shopping, hopefully. Sera was sick of wizard errands.
“Poliphenia–one of the PhD candidates–tells me there’s a career fair today for the sciences and engineering departments on campus, and that the North Wilds Company has a booth. Surely this is as good an opportunity as we may get to ask questions without breaking any rules?” Kali leveled Sera with a questioning glance, and Sera grimaced. Misrepresentation wasn’t exactly good, but maybe it would preclude any ideas Avon and Kali got about breaking and entering.
“I’m a horrible liar,” Sera said, before pointing at Benvolius. “And also what are we going to do with him?”
“Benvolius will stand for examination here. And I’m certain Kyle and Avon will pass for non-traditional students well enough.” Kali either did not see or ignored the wicked glint in Avon’s eyes. “You can tag along as… an advisor, I suppose. Keep them out of trouble.”
Which, of course, was an impossible ask. Sera had never regretted pastry as much as she did over their long walk back to campus, during which her stomach went from sinking to jittering to twisting itself in knots and then through the whole routine again a handful of times. She tried her best to make note of the stories Avon and Kyle had come up with for themselves; they were both non-trads, slowly paying through school by taking on adventuring work and coffee shop gigs and myriad other odd jobs, and only now had they finally earned enough credits to think about landing a real internship. Ideally paid. They were willing to travel, and particularly interested in the new frontiers opening up in the far north.
“What are you going to do if someone asks for your transcripts?” Sera hissed, as they passed by a gaggle of fine arts students painting in situ on the campus’s main lawn. “Or a resume? We are carrying none of those things!”
Kyle waved a hand. “Brah. Chill. It’ll be fine.”
“We’ll say we didn’t have money for a print shop,” Avon answered. They had grown several inches over the course of the walk, going from normal, lanky, birdish Avon to a brawnier, bro-ier, more filled out version. It was disconcerting. This was not a transformation Avon had ever wanted or needed to make when they worked together in the past. They looked vaguely like a red-headed copy of Kyle.
It took some wandering to find the career fair. The National University’s Jadeport branch sprawled like a lazy goddess, jewel-like in its lawns and gardens and sparkling, white structures. Finding the name of a building required walking all the way up to it, across entire city blocks’ worth of open space and through seas of stately, well-dressed students. It was nothing like the dense, dirty weave of the Gaville branch.
But eventually they stumbled across a towering, glass-clad building with a career fair banner hanging from the roof, and made their way inside. Sera’s skin crawled as she followed Avon and Kyle inside. It had been so long since she’d been a student that she felt uncomfortable being back in an academic setting. Everyone here looked young and fresh and innocent.
The front doors dumped them onto a wide, concrete balcony that ran the perimeter of the building, from which Sera had an expansive view of every classroom, every office, and every lounge space that opened into the atrium. Below them, the career fair ebbed and flowed, masses of students roaming the stalls like enormous slimes. Noise bubbled up from the basement floor in a deafening buzz.
Sera gulped. With the Kavarn scholarship, she’d never needed to attend a career fair. The law firm that the family kept on retainer had already been contracted to hire her.
“Any of you see the North Wilds Company?” Avon asked, leaning over the balcony wall.
A few companies had shelled out for massive banners, announcing themselves like knightly orders of old, and Sera peered at them, looking for the telltale tree in the North Wilds Company logo, only to come up empty. Kavarn Mining, though, had made their presence known. A trio of enormous signs flew high in the center of the atrium, eye-catching in their bold yellow and black.
“I don’t see them,” Sera said, and Kyle surveyed the hall for a few more seconds before agreeing.
“Then in we go.” Avon turned on their heel and headed straight for the nearest staircase, Sera and Kyle following behind.
They meandered slowly through the milieu. Sera found, to her surprise, that she recognized a fair number of the companies represented here. Each of the founding families had one or two of their subsidiary corporations here. In addition to Kavarn Mining, she spotted booths for Ozen Canning and Moore Industries–the two families known for settling much of the lower Jade Coast. They were really old money, with claims on the Consumed Continent that stretched more than a hundred years earlier than those made by the Wildes, Kavarns, or the upstart Huo family currently building their train empire across the eastern plains.
Frowning, she tugged on the spirit of Librata in her chest. She had beef with the Kavarns and the Wildes already. Was the goddess going to have her fight every rich asshole in the country?
Power roused inside of her, but didn’t swell, or answer, or really indicate anything other than a broad ‘maybe,’ which was definitely helpful. So instead of thinking further on what ‘maybe’ might mean, Sera just looked up to make sure she could still see Avon and Kyle’s distinctive heads of red and white hair above the crowd.
They’d gotten a bit ahead of her, of course. Stupid tall people with their stupid long legs. After a bit of dodging and shoving, she elbowed her way to the booth Avon and Kyle had stopped at, freezing when she noticed the telltale tree logo on the tablecloth. It was go time. That was definitely the North Wilds Company. Sera glanced at the faces of the two young men manning the booth, as if she could determine if either of them had been one of the masked attackers from Azuria’s Amazing arcanery, but there was no way for her to know.
Great, now she’d be thinking about it all through Kyle and Avon’s interactions with them. Before the two could approach directly, she nabbed them by the backs of their shirts and hauled them down to her level.
“Alright, do either of you have a plan?” She slid her gaze back to the men at the booth. “Also, is there any way for us to know if those two are also super secret Wilde family assassins?”
Avon looked over, considering. “If I go first, I might get a good scent off them. Then I’ll pull Kyle in?”
“Solid, bro.”
“And then what?” Sera asked.
Kyle clapped a jaunty hand on Sera’s shoulder. “Brah, chill. How many fellow bros have I charmed for you?”
Sera wrinkled her nose and ignored Avon’s amused look. “I know, I know. I just. Usually I’m your backup for that.”
“I promise I’ll take good care of him,” Avon said, and then before she could stop them, they turned lazily on a heel and strolled towards the booth.
The two young men looked up, and Sera saw on their faces the immediate interest. They probably didn’t get a ton of strapping, muscular folk on this campus. Avon offered them a nervous smile and made a show of glancing around at the pamphlets and booth decor. Their shoulders rose on a long inhale, and then they snaked hand behind their back and signaled for Kyle to join them.
“So uhh. North Wilds Company?” Avon started, pitching their voice into a deeper, more masculine timbre. “That’s crazy. I didn’t know you guys did anything down here.”
Sera took a step back and let the rivers of students come between herself and the booth, obscuring her from view. It was hard to hear the conversation, but like Kyle said, it was probably best to leave this to him.
One of the men at the booth answered in a loud, booming tenor. “Haha! It’s true. Most of our operations are up north, but we do a lot of sales down here. And some R&D.”
“Oh, so no environmental research work for folks out of Jadeport?” Avon asked.
“Not unless you’re willing to relocate for a season.” The man paused as Avon and Kyle looked at eachother with matching, agreeable shrugs. “But if relocation is an option, then we have a lot of open positions.” He winked, and Sera perked up from her hiding place in the crowd. “Let me just dig around in our box of extra materials…”
“We can totes relocate,” Kyle said, beaming. He reached up to scratch absently at his neck, and even looking at his back, Sera could imagine the charming, boyish face he employed as he explained their backstory. It was the same face he’d used to somehow charm Kali the first time they’d run into each other. “I’ve actually been up there, you know? The trees are legit so huge.”
The second man’s eyebrows shot up. “You made it pretty far north, then.”
Kyle chuckled. “Adventuring gigs, man. You go crazy places! But I bet you guys have made it even further. How far does the lumber tract actually go? Like, I swear I could have kept walking forever, and there’d still be NWC camps around.”
“NWC?” repeated booth man number two, just as his partner came back with the promised extra materials.
“Oh, shoot, you guys don’t call it that? My bad!” Kyle reached for the papers, his hand dwarfing the booth man’s, and he snapped up the extra pamphlets before any attempt could be made to sort them for him. “North Wilds Company? NWC? Just an acronym, dudes.”
Avon peered over Kyle’s shoulder, and their face lit up at some job title. “Surveying track? What’s that? It sounds like something an ex-adventurer would be good at.”+
The booth men made identical faces of snide disbelief. “There’s a lot of math in surveying,” said one of them.
“So?” said Kyle.
In the awkward pause that followed, Sera adjusted her position in the crowd to get a better view of all the boxes in the back of the booth. Maybe one of them was full enough that she could get a glimpse of what was inside. She stood on tiptoe and tracked behind a pair of students comparing resumes, but still wasn’t tall enough to catch a good look.
Maybe Librata would allow a clairvoyance spell in this one instance? Since she was in public, and her targets were in public, and she could maybe bend the privacy laws to– nope. Her chest tightened, Librata’s holy energy warning her against it.
Eventually, one of the booth men gave in. “I don’t know that a pair of ex-adventurers can handle all the math that goes with”-
“I’m in environmental sciences,” Avon broke in. “Of course I can handle maths.”
Kyle elbowed them, wide grin still plastered across his face. “And we’re already great at logistics! What areas are you trying to survey? Is the North Wilds Company going all the way up to the White Ocean?”
A bit put out by Kyle’s superior deftness with conversation, Avon snatched up the brochures and flipped further through the stack. Booth man number one fiddled with his tie as he considered how to answer Kyle’s question.
“Er, yes. But there’s a lot of land between our current operations and the shore of the White Ocean. I don’t think we’ll get there any time soon.”
Avon unfolded one of the pamphlets, considered it, and then held it up. “That’s a bit odd. The North Wilds Company made it from Gaville to here”- they poked a spot on the page, probably a map that Avon had facing the booth men -”in less than a decade. Does the climate north of that change so drastically that you couldn’t”-
Kyle reached one meaty hand up around Avon’s shoulders and dragged them in close, somehow still beaming. “What my buddy means to say is that we’re worried about job security! You guys move so fast, what if there’s nothing left to survey once we’ve finished our degrees!”
Booth man number two made a constipated face. “I’m sure there will still be plenty of new regions. Listen, the Wilde family themselves are the ones managing choices about when and where we send survey teams. We really can’t tell you any more.”
Damn. They really kept that information under lock and key. Sera hadn’t expected a pair of recruiters to know everything, but if they’d indicated they knew something about the company forecasting and were merely doing their due diligence to not share beyond their fellow employees, then Sera might have been able to find verbiage in the company business plan that they could use for their lawsuit. If it was truly only the Wildes that knew anything, this would be much more difficult.
“That’s alright!” Kyle said, reaching across the table to shake the men’s hands. “Thanks for chatting with us anyway. You got any kind of separate recruiting office we can go to if we want to apply later?”
The booth men handed over business cards. Kyle wrapped up the interaction so smoothly that Sera almost missed it when he tugged Avon away from the booth and back into the crowd. Grumbling to herself about the pitfalls of short legs, she scrambled to catch up with them.
“Well,” she said, as they paused by a Moore Industries booth covered in bright blue banners, “that was a bust.”
Avon smirked. “Not entirely. I saw you trying to snoop, thought I might have better eyesight and a better vantage point. They had the company business plan open in one of the boxes. I managed to catch a few lines about a ‘protected zone’ in the northwest quadrant of the Wilde Family territory.”
“I guess that’s not nothing.”
After snagging a few cubes of brightly-colored lokum off the nearby Moore Industries booth, Kyle chewed thoughtfully. “And we know the rank and file bros are just bros. Which is good and bad.”
Good, because it meant that only the Wildes themselves would face punishment. Bad, because it would make information harder to get, and because these regular employees might not have anywhere to go when the Wilde family’s secrets blew up. This sucked.
“I could turn into a spider and try to dig around in their boxes,” Avon suggested.
If Sera couldn’t use clairvoyance to get a better view of their boxes, then the goddess sure as hell wouldn’t approve of that. “Maybe once we translate the contracts, this will make more sense,” she said, turning them toward the stairwell. But her brain whirred as they exited the building, turning over the conversation and the wording Avon had mentioned from the open business plan.
A ‘protected zone.’ That was odd language for a region that, as far as Sera knew, had no publicly recognized status. How unusual that the Wildes would categorize some part of their own massive holdings that way.
End of chapter
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Hey, Vent! Alex is back with a review, though I'm starting to get teary-eyed now.. I can believe it's the end of an era with this- the second last chapter, the pain </3 But onward we shall go, hoping you post more soon~
Ah, see I love some medical accuracy! It's called postprandial hypotension in more technical terms and I'm jumping with joy something that relates with my level of curriculum finally XD
It seems the pastries backfired as well for Sera.. You could have avoided writing this part altogether though, since it doesn't add much to the the majority plotline (apart from beautifully tie together the fact that she had pastries afteral). We've got more important things to deal with here, and you wouldn't want the reader getting distracted. It's not a necessity though, just my opinion!
Well, don't I love these comical bits? Benny's definitely your favorite to experiment these with, and I quite get why. Kyle is always silly and the others are a little too serious all the time. Benny has this clueless stereotype around him which complements the silliness you keep searching an outlet for. It is most refreshing! But I believe my argument holds- do you absolutely need them? LL has this fun vibe around it that justifies such takes, but the the emotions in the writing should transform with the plot to better highlight it. These roads don't really lead to nowhere and fillers when we still have so much to uncover takes away that feeling of fulfillment. I may be being a little too harsh here, and I acknowledge that you keep it bare minimum and that much might be necessary to build up to the actual premise, but I thought it'd be best to point it out anyways!
Hmm.. I don't know how to feel about this suddenly more entitled Kali now. I get that she's been doing a lot now, but she's acting a little too demanding for my liking. I remember her as more of this easy going, cool and knowledgeable person from before- was I mistaken? Also, her expectation of being fetched a coffee when she didn't explicitly ask for one is slightly concerning. I'm kinda concerned for her character- is she turning into a karen? She's definitely on her low right now..
Okay, I quite like this idea. Least to say, I didn't see it coming. To think our heroes will face them earlier than expected is promising, and must prepare them for the final showdown. I'm not sure if their stay have made them too known in the eyes of the company and if they'd have to hide behind a crowd through most of it.
I do think it's a bit of a cluttered story, but it's possible that they're less likely to see the flaws in something they don't clearly understand. A possibly flawed detail is also easily lost in a bunch of them. I feel like you would've come up with a more neat plot for them, but it feels very believable that they'd make something more messier themselves. I feel like it could go either way right now, but it seems very much like our heroes to make a foolish gamble like this, especially with only the boys in on it.
Oh my, guess that they're really being made fit for this new romantic role. I do have mixed feelings about their appearance changing, but at least a disguise job was a good opportunity to try it with the readers first. Personally, I'm not a fan. I feel like it takes away from their own personality and they're being someone they're not. If Sera falls for them just as they are, it'd be a whole different story.
This arc actually got me thinking about the dead end Kyle and Sera had as well. The girl was a little too touchy and aware of his good physique, and the guy seemed to care more about her than you'd expect from him. After the scene where he helps out away her armor, I really felt they were going to become a couple. But with time, his interest seems to have disappeared altogether. I don't know if it's an intentional choice or flaw of plot planning, but I'm leaning more towards the latter. I really hope you work on their relationship and untapped potential some more, it could work wonders you know.
At one hand, everyone seems very predictable for the new them here. On the other, I seem to wonder how the previous versions would have reacted. Sera seems more like the offering a suggestion type instead of Avon. They have also somehow shifted from a complaining to a solving mentality which is again disputable. Kyle has been very boyish in behaviour, so atleast that has been quite consistent. I sense Avon is getting all this attention for his makeover, and I'm not sure if it's worth it really. I'm just concerned you might be making an opportunity out of scratch and it's more effort than worth, but I'm open to see where you go with this..
We've been talking a lot about the academics recently, I wonder if you're hinting that Sera is going to return to the law school soon. I do think it'd be awesome for the exploring the past and the recent challenges around, and rewarding after all this subtle building up. It almost feels like she's seeing herself in these kids, and slightly regretting her decision or missing that life perhaps?
Wow, I never thought her arrangement was this advantageous and lucrative! But the fact that they had somehow been responsible for her sister's death must have put a toll on her. Makes you wonder about your safety too, like what's stopping her from suffering the same fate, if you look at it even from a plainly logical perspective. The whole situation must've made it an incredibly difficult decision to walk away from that scholarship.
I wasn't really expecting such an encounter this early, do you have something nefarious (a breakdown maybe?) in mind? :0
Uhhh is it figurative or does Avon actually wear heels? No judging, it just might help me imagining them better!
That must have been a flaw in their own preparation, but not like they had much of a solution to it anyways. Maybe they could've worn more covering clothes at least, so the muscles don't show too much? I hope that's not too attention grabbing or suspicious to the boothmen though..
Oh yeah, where did that flame die down? I see no romantic suggestion now, to the point that it almost seems odd. The dynamics have definitely changed but it looks like you've jumped into them a little abruptly without closing this off or explaining why. Just something to consider!
Is the + a typo here?
My favorite part! I just love you simply you explain everything, really helps a dumb reader like me catch up and even feel intelligent for getting what you so said so effortlessly. But I'm sure the credit is more yours than mine. Having less loose threads means you have less things to pull at, but when the knot opens, less thread will be wasted away as well. I do believe this means they'll be stepping more deep into the enemy territory now, it's bound to get interesting. But one thing is digging at me- couldn't the recruiters just lie they know nothing? It seems too much for some low level employees but perhaps they used to do it now Sera thought they would only for people to become super annoying to spill, so now they've trained themselves to deny any knowledge whatsoever? The fact that Sera doesn't even consider this possibility is slightly concerning to me.
Are they off to it after the translation ritual? I guess the next destination could very well be dictated by what they find in the contract, but it's definitely the stop for sometime. I do think it's a little odd that such sketchy documents were just lying out there with some insignificant employees, not even concealed from prying eyes. Just a little too convenient, unless the recruiters were a step ahead and wanted the heroes to read it and walk into a trap. But I don't think you're running the plot this clearly as of now, so I might just be overthinking!
Well this chapter was a little rough around the corners, but enjoyable overall. Seeing the guys act in front of the recruiters like that was an extremely well written and captivating scene. But with the overall plot, I could see a lot of cracks showing this chapter. They're not really a consequence of this chapter, but what's been building for a while now and are only more noticeable now (like Avon's sudden transformation to be make suitable for a romantic arc and Kali's dipping likability). But it's very slight and there's still enough time to fix these things. Having seen your capabilities in writing, I'm sure these are piece of cake and matter of time- I might not have anything to worry about. I had a good time reviewing it, thank you for sharing! I'll see you in the finale, Vent~
Love, Alex
Hi again Vento! I read this chapter twice so here are some of the big things I remember from my first read-through:
1.
I found this really funny. I feel like we haven't gotten a big "Brah" moment from Kyle in a bit, so I liked this a lot.
2.
I really liked this bit of worldbuilding and the set-up for the career fair. I think it's really cool that Sera experiences both being underprivileged and having privilege in some situations. That makes the depiction of class in the story feel more complex and interesting.
3.
It kind of felt odd to me that the gang is so certain that the people at the stand are "just bros"? Kyle stopped Avon from prodding them directly, so we didn't get to see if they'd react at all to the region. Maybe this is just my overactive roleplaying brain here, but I felt like the people at the booth could have just pretended not to know anything, you know?
Okay, now for the second read-through:
I'm not sure if this would be too distracting from the main plot, but I kind of wish there were more Benvolius 'reaction shots' like this. If he can't talk verbally about the Company, I wonder if he might still be able to convey his emotions about them, so we know what's going on in his head?
I really enjoyed watching Avon and Kyle do recon xD They haven't been working as a pair so far, so it's interesting to see how Avon *can* be quite slick and match Kyle's energy.
I think this might be part of why I thought the recruiters *could* be lying. "constipated face" could be 1. annoyed at being challenged or prodded with something they're not prepared for or 2. annoyed that they're moving towards sensitive information.
This also makes it sound like they could know something is up there, if they read through the whole business plan. (But perhaps they didn't? <.<)
I like the idea that Librata refuses certain uses for magic by her clerics, as that is very on theme for a magic that comes from religion. It does highlight Sera's potential conflicts and contrasts with Librata though, in that she was willing to consider clairvoyance out of practicality.
Overall, this was a really interesting chapter. I enjoyed reading how the characters solve problems with regards to interacting with the recruiters. 'protected zone' certainly does sound like a cover up if it doesn't match any official legalese for the management of land. I'm excited to see what Kulaiana et al. have come up with in terms of the translation.
Hope this helps and keep writing!
-Lim
Hi hi!!
I think chapter 19 is kind of where the LMS mentality sets in... though I did write it before LMS started! I think stuff will start to get less and less put together from here on. Also - have been on travel, so I promise I'll get to reading through the other reviews soon!
I guess I don't think very much about what rank-and-file people at a company might know in industries other than my own! We have a lot of NDAs where I work, so I'm used to being very out of the loop - thanks for the insight!
-Vento
Hey its LadyM here for a review!
This is a fantastic first impression of this story for me hehe
“Sera was about to pass out from butter-sugar-flour-chocolate overload when Kali slammed open the door to Kyle’s room. Sera flinched up off the floor. Kyle cringed. Benvolius froze like a kid caught with the cookie jar. “
I also wanted to help out my fellow lms peeps by reviewing!
Might i suggest adding a few commas and a period to this sentence to break it up a bit? So its a bit more like this: “ adventuring,and coffee shop gigs, and a myriad of other odd jobs.”
“She tried her best to make note of the stories Avon and Kyle had come up with for themselves; they were both non-trads, slowly paying through school by taking on adventuring work and coffee shop gigs and myriad other odd jobs, and only now had they finally earned enough credits to think about landing a real internship.”
Okay obviously im missing lot of context coming to read in the middle here, but is it right to assume that this one character is slowly shapeshifting?
“”We’ll say we didn’t have money for a print shop,” Avon answered. They had grown several inches over the course of the walk, going from normal, lanky, birdish Avon to a brawnier, bro-ier, more filled out version. It was disconcerting. This was not a transformation Avon had ever wanted or needed to make when they worked together in the past. They looked vaguely like a red-headed copy of Kyle. “
Okay i absolutely LOVE how you describe this. It gives me both an idea of how elaborate this place is, and how our characters view, obviously they aren't used to being in places like this, so its something that really impacts them, visuals wise.
“It took some wandering to find the career fair. The National University’s Jadeport branch sprawled like a lazy goddess, jewel-like in its lawns and gardens and sparkling, white structures. Finding the name of a building required walking all the way up to it, across entire city blocks’ worth of open space and through seas of stately, well-dressed students. It was nothing like the dense, dirty weave of the Gaville branch. “
I would recommend cutting the first “and” in this sentence, putting a comma there instead, which makes it easier to read. “ Everyone here looked young and fresh and innocent.”
I love the way Kyle talks and how you write it. It gives him such a unique and fun voice, really distinguishes him from the other two characters. “Kyle clapped a jaunty hand on Sera’s shoulder. “Brah, chill. How many fellow bros have I charmed for you?” “
Oh okay so this is interesting, there seems to be rules to this magic! Unless there is other magic blocking it maybe? “Maybe Librata would allow a clairvoyance spell in this one instance? Since she was in public, and her targets were in public, and she could maybe bend the privacy laws to– nope. Her chest tightened, Librata’s holy energy warning her against it.”
Ooh company corruption of some sort, sounds lovely! I am quite intrigued but this funny business with this logging company. I shall have to keep up with your chapters. I’ll see if I can dig back and find the earlier ones in the green room as well.
See you soon!
LadyM~
I think the green room chapters go back to 16? Everything before that has at least 2 reviews iirc.
And thanks for stopping by!
I see, LMS is treating you well? Let’s see what this new chapter brings :3
Ok and the first two sentences start with “Sera” … Might have wanted to do some more editing XD
…laundry for me is always the clothes you need to wash… So “ still sprawled over the laundry” means that they’re lying on all the dirty clothes that Kyle spread over the floor? @.@
I adore Kali’s first words this chapter XD
Idk why Sera is so worried abt a resume atm. It feels like Kyle and Avon’s fake identities are just shopping around for opportunities. It wouldn’t be too unusual for them to not have documentation on them right then, would it?
So I’m with Kyle in this XD (Tho the summary does imply that something illegal will go down anyway sooo)
“sprawled like a lazy goddess, jewel-like in its lawns and gardens and sparkling, white structures“ Love this description!
I also love that you can take this carrier fair for a very easy way to exposit about some of your world building. Very well done!
“ or really indicate anything other than a broad ‘maybe,“ lol!
“ the telltale tree logo on the tablecloth. It was go time. That was definitely the North Wilds Company“
Ok so first of all I think “telltale” might be redundant here since we’re already primed to look for the tree and expected them to eventually find the correct booth. And the other two sentences also feel kinda clunky, especially after the easy elegance that came before it ☹
Hmmm if she expects the masked attackers here… Wouldn’t they at least recognize her and Kyle making the whole disguise thing moot? oô
A missing “a” ^^ “they snaked hand”
“Oh, so no environmental research work for folks out of Jadeport?” ok I think I am missing something. They did mention they are doing R&D here so why the negative assumption coming from Avon?
“before any attempt could be made to sort them for him.“ ah this phrasing made me grin =D
Spotted a wild “+”:
LOL I love the awkward pause after Kyle just proclaimed math doesn’t bother him =D
This entire sequence is excellent. I just love Sera’s powers! “Since she was in public, and her targets were in public, and she could maybe bend the privacy laws to– nope.“
That is a monster of a sentence! Maybe you could break it up? It was also really hard to follow the information in them because I am not that familiar with law stuff or the world you’re building ☹
Love Avon’s spider idea :3
And ofc that Sera strikes it down too!
I like how complete this chapter felt and that I didn’t feel like I was missing chunks of information left behind between chapter transitions :3
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Ahhh... The wild I use to separate my LMS weeks. Whoops! Things will probably be a lot less polished as we go forward, so I'll do my best to fix typos after y'all catch them haha.
I'm already feeling like this is one of those chapters I would have massively restructured if I wasn't in LMS right now, so I'm glad you still feel like it's pushing something in the story forward!
Thanks!
Hah given how I'm struggling with liking any of the stuff i write for LMS (there's a reason i wish ppl would check out the OG story instead lol), it's amazing this chapter turned out so well <3