As Ryder walked solumly along the road through the alley, bits of Avenged Sevenfold and Breaking Benjamin bounced through his head. His thoughts wandered along at the same pace that the had been walking for the past hour. After minutes of thinking of nothing in particular, he found he was coming onto a fence wall.
There was nothing special about this fence, except for the fact that he didn't feel like climbing it. If it were any other time other than that day, he would have climbed effortlessly over the fence and unto the other side.
Once he was upon the fence, he locked his fingers in the links. He turned around and leaned on the fence, he interfaced with the button on the sunglasses and switched them to the thermal setting. He scanned the horizon, no movement. He turned to face the fence once more, he scanned the horizon beyond; still no movement. He pondered wether he would do what he was thinking he would do, or simply turn back around and walk the opposite direction.
Aahh, what the hell... he thought to himself
Ryder drew his breath, he focused, and then he blinked. By the time he re-opened his eyes, he was standing two feet from where he had previously been standing. This time on the other side of the fence.
He continued walking...
. . .
Okay, this is my first post on this site...
I just want constructive criticism...
Thanks!!!
Sincerely,
Lesley
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I have realized the different spelling errors, and i appreciate the helpfuls tips.
@Lion, as for your question about the sunglasses and whether he's able to teleport with a device or on his own.
He works for the military, so he is technically a spy/agent guy...
And His being able to teleport is a natural ability. You see, the Blinks (What people like Ryder are called), have brains that are more developed than a regular human brain; giving them enhaced speed, strength, and the ability to teleport (That will actually be explained in the next part I post).
Thanx again for the comments and Tips Guys!!!
Sincerely,
Lesley
Welcome to Young Writers Society! I hope you'll enjoy your times here.
So, let's get started with a short conclusion of what I liked about the piece: It is short, but made me completely intrigued once you got to the bit about the sunglasses. I'd say it would make a good first paragraph for a 'secret agent' book. Then I read forward again, and saw that he could...teleport? Even more intriguing, it got me thinking how he could do it, is it a piece of technology, or does he have a natural ability? I hope you make a continuation of this so I can read more about this secret agent teleporting super-guy!
Now, I only have a few things I'm unhappy with.
I believe it should be spelt 'solemnly.'
Just a typo, I think. I also don't like the structure of the sentence, but that's my opinion. ('His thoughts were wandering along at the same pace that...')
Another thing that doesn't sound right, run it through your head. 'Coming onto a fence wall.' or 'Coming to a fence wall.'
Also, you don't get 'fence walls' you just get fences, there is a huge difference.
Perhaps just another typo?
One more thing.
Here, I didn't really feel the anticipation I was getting from the last paragraphs. You just gave the reader straight facts, he did this, he did that. I would have liked more alternatives to he's. As someone also said in there review, try to figure out the boundaries between show verses tell.
Overall, I liked it, but you need to expand the plotline as you said and I hope to read more of your works in the coming weeks. But for now, here is my review.
Hey Lesley!
Feel free to send me a message, post on my wall or charge after me with a herd of stampeding rhinos if you need anything!
First off, welcome to YWS
Right! Onto the review! I'm going to quote the whole ting so my comments will be the ones in colour:
I'll highlight grammar or spelling errors in this colour.
You mainly need to watch out for your show vs tell here. Try to describe to the reader what is happening rather than just shooting facts at them e.g 'he did this, then he saw that' etc. See how it can get boring? For a short story this was very short! You could certainly expand on the plot and make it more interesting. Good luck!
Thanks lots!!! I'm just trying to develop the plot now...
Hi there, welcome to YWS
I'll get the nitty-gritty out of the way first:
It should be spelt 'solemnly'.
Probably just a typo, but I think you mean 'he' instead of 'the', also I'm not sure if the 'that' is quite needed, but I think it's more down to personal preference.
I hope you mean 'coming to a fence wall' rather than 'onto'.
'Onto' rather than 'unto' is needed here.
I think there's a few too many 'he's here, try and find other ways of starting your sentences. Also, there needs to be an 'h' in 'whether'.
Other than that, I really liked the original idea you've got here. Hopefully you can write some more of it soon, there's definately scope for a great story.