Part of my newest big project that I have already decided that no matter what happens, I will be finishing and taking it to be published. It's called Wanderlust. And I'll be putting up the parts that I finish as I go along for you guys to enjoy.
Dedicated to my friend Ambrosia...
~ ~ ~
The atmosphere in my sister’s flat is something I can fail to describe in just a few words. Almost like something similar the page ripped from your old children’s storybook - except that page has been desecrated and colored over more than a few times. The colors of your pastels and paints and pens have blended together in a haphazard display of outrageous gayety and of flagrant nonconformity in the face of landlords who would rather their tenants “keep the colors simple so that we can paint over them if you move out”. The smell of paint still hung low in the air, the sound of Beethoven’s fifth symphony played.
I knock four times in the door frame loudly,
“Hello?” I yell out. No answer.
I knock again.
“Amber!”
I hear the faint sound of a female voice from farther inside the rabbit hole.
“Kennedy, I know that you’re already inside my house - I am in the kitchen. Come find me, I am not leaving this souffle.”
I leave my shoes by the door and stroll through the living area, directly adjacent to the fourier from which I entered. The last time I had been in my sister’s New York City apartment had been when she had invited me over for her Christmas Party a few months ago, and to my disbelief - the ceiling almost looked a little bit higher than it had been since then.
I have always been a little jealous of my sisters flat, a very fancy, very expensive penthouse apartment in Manhattan that she had acquired free of charge from her late fiance Janise who had (among other things) a very wealthy estate acquired from years of carefully planned stock investments, no next of kin whatsoever, and the kicker, terminal lung cancer. She’s dead now.
I reach the kitchen after a minute of slowly maneuvering around piles of books, art supplies, and other useless memorabilia. (For those who are thinking that my sister is a hoarder, let me wholeheartedly assure you that she isn’t - she is in fact, an artist.)
As aforementioned, I reached the kitchen: and to my horror, an eyesore of a rainbow comparable to the likes of that which decorated Amber’s walls also decorated the pristine marble topped counters of her kitchen - except for the fact that this rainbow’s constituent colors were edible (though not once in my existence would I consider advising anyone to consume any of these strangely colored food spots and splatters)
“You’re an artist with food just as much as you are with colors, it seems.” I say. She giggles, that sort of younger sister giggle that makes you smile ear to ear when you hear it.
“And you’re an artist with chemicals and elements and matter, just as I throw paint on a canvas you throw atoms together with colliders. And just as the end result of my colorful escapades is Art; the end result of your particular escapades is also art. Remember that. Oh, and you look like a nerd today - next time you come over wear a hoodie and some flip flops.”
My sister speaks in full paragraphs sometimes. I think it’s a function of all artists to speak in paragraphs, because one sentence can hardly ever convey as much information as is buzzing and wizzing in their exquisitely cultured minds.
“I will certainly remember to do that.”
“Of course you will...” - and sometimes one sentence conveys enough information I suppose.
A large DING, rings out.
“Oh! The souffle is done!” she bends down and opens up the stove, the aromatic scent of baked goods filled the room with a flood.
“I’ve poured way more blood, sweat, and tears into this souffle than is completely necessary,” she says laughing. She holds the plate up in the air with pride, and then sets it down on the island behind her.
“Is there a specific reason that you’ve barged in on my artful sanctum of solitude... bro?”
It takes me a moment to remember exactly why I had made the journey from my Montana home to visit. And then I produce the small, brown box that had been mailed to me the week beforehand. It was covered from corner to corner in stamps from around the world and multi-colored tapes.
“Oooh, that looks pretty.” she takes the box from my hand and examines it closely.
“I got that about a week ago out of the blue, the guy who dropped it off told me to bring it to you specifically today so we could open it together.” I added.
“The fedex guy said that?” She held the box up to the light, shaking it.
“No, it was some guy in a suit and tie.”
“Was the suit expensive?” was her only inquiry, it wasn’t uncommon for my sister to inquire about things of this nature. She was always one to think about the smallest, seemingly most useless details.
I chuckle.
“I can’t really remember if it was or if it wasn’t, I would assume it was because he seemed like that type of person.
“How about you describe to me the premise of this man's outward appearance in exactly three words. Call it a creative challenge.” she asked, still fiddling with the box so as to take a guess at it’s contents (much like I had done the week prior when I received the box, and I can satisfyingly predict that she wouldn’t find out what was hidden inside)
“Hmmm,” I started to say.
“Your first word is used up, choose the next ones wisely.”
“Stephen Fry.” I said finally.
“Hmmm, I will take that. Now let us explore what lies behind these doors of mystery with the aid of my trusty companion - the saber of truth!” she strolled over to the counter and grabbed a golden letter opener, she holds it up.
“Forged in the very heart-magma of the core of our own Earth, this blade I use to hunt demons and expose false prophets. It’s golden edge is sharp enough to cut through diamond! It has the power to topple mountains and gods!”
“Just open the box Amber...”
...
To Be Continued...
End of chapter
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Hai Senshi! Really sorry about the late review, but here as requested.
I liked this! I was very intrigued at the beginning and it was interesting. Well done!
Onto the review:
I'll be honest, I did think that the bit where we see their relationship was unnecessary - to me, I felt like there was something significant about this visit and I wanted to know straight away. At this point, you're trying to hook me and get my attention so I can read on. Of course, this is just personal taste but I want to be compelled to read on. The lovely scene between them can be left later!
That said, you really had to put in a cliffhanger and torture us. D< I really want to read more!
Why is he not alarmed by this? It seems very suspicious and I would be frightened, personally. I've been in a similar situation once (where a friend asked me to deliver a letter to another in a few days time) and I gave it to them straight away. I would've thought he would open it straight away.
Also, I also found the thing being delivered by someone else and told to open it in a few days a bit cliché. I've seen it a few times in fiction and it's unrealistic and also a bit contrived. I totally think you can come up with a more interesting way to have it given to them that might even reveal more about them.
She's an artist... right? Maybe someone knows he is Amber's brother and is a massive fan of her (obviously he's pretending) and he gives it to her and asks him to give it to her. Something like that that incorporates their character and what they do would be brilliant and it'll feel less cliché and make the idea better
Before a dialogue tag, you use a comma rather than a full stop.
But if it wasn't about him talking, e.g. he was opening the packet of crisps as he talked, then you'd use a full stop. ^^
Haha, I love this. I like Amber - she's different and intriguing
While we're on this, it's vs its: to be confusing, these two words mean different things. xD It's = 'it is' but its = something belonging to 'it'.
And that's all from me! Hope I helped and feel free to PM me with any questions you may have. Keep writing!
Blues.
Hello! Here I am to review
This is a beautiful sentence but the wordiness at the beginning takes away from its effectiveness. I would suggest, 'Almost like the page ripped from your childhood storybook...'Specifics
1. I don't like the introduction in that there's already a contradiction. The way the first sentence reads, it seems to imply that she is going to fail to describe it by just saying a few words. It sounds like she's being ironic and I expect the next sentence to follow to be short and to the point, but then we're given a long ramble and it put me off. You need to change your wording if you meant that she can't describe it in a few words. The key word there being the 'can' which needs to go. Maybe something like, 'The atmosphere in my sister's flat is something I fail to describe in a few words.'
2.
3. I love that you carry on the metaphor and retain the use of 'you'. Very smoothly done.
4. Careful with your tenses! You should have 'hangs' instead of 'hung'.
5. I think you need 'on' instead of 'in' as this sounds unnatural.
6. Your phrasing here is a little awkward. You seem to struggle for words toward the end, maybe try: '...to my disbelief - the ceiling looked to have risen higher since then'.
7. I love how casually the lung cancer is thrown in at the end there. I was about to tell you the sentence was too run-on but now I like it as it is.
8. You don't need both aromatic and scent and they're very clumpy together. I'd suggest using either 'aroma' or 'scent'.
9.
10. Watch those tenses! Each of the words highlighted in red needs changing to present tense. Also, this sentence is too long. I'm not sure I like many of your uses of brackets as I'm finding them distracting and your strongest writing always seems to happen outside of them.
11. You need to fix the tenses in the last part as well.
Overall
I was very drawn into this in the beginning but you lost a lot of my attention during that last section. The letter feels like a forced plot as we had no sense before it that the narrator was excited or anticipating something interesting to happen etc. This felt like a casual visit to his sister and the letter comes out of nowhere and feels very much like a plot for the sake of plot. It also has me expecting time travel because it's very back to the future-esque and I'm not sure how I feel about that.
What I love about this piece are the descriptions and if you could put as much into your dialogue and plot as you have them, there would be nothing to fault. I do agree with Stella though that they are just a little over the top in places. Maybe try to reign them in a tiny bit to give the rest of your story a chance to breathe.
That's about all I have for now and it's too early to give much of a final judgement on this piece. If you're keeping the letter in there though, build up to it more. I want to get a sense that the narrator is eager to give his sister the letter or that he doesn't care much for it, though then you'd have to change his dialogue to reflect this. It shouldn't feel like the letter comes out of nowhere.
Best of luck and I hope you find some of this useful!
Take care,
Heather xx
Hi there VS, Stella here!
I don't like the "as aforementioned" at all.
Just. Just lol. Well played.
Its. Remember, he's, she's, it's, but his, her, its.
Haha okay so I absolutely love Amber. She's a fabulous character, and I hope she sticks around and she's not just a first chapter wonder! Your MC also seems interesting, I really liked the dynamic and I liked the way you bounced them off each other, that worked beautifully, so well done
I was also intrigued by the mysterious box- it annoyed me that Kennedy wasn't. Yeah actually that bugged me a bit. I would have liked to see his thought processes and reactions outside of the dialogue with his sister. You're doing an excellent job of show-don't-tell but I do think it'd be nice to have a bit more insight since it's clearly a critical point
Other than that, I actually really really enjoyed this!
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
What does OTT mean? XD
Over the top!
Hey there!

First off this review will be pretty short, simply because I really enjoyed reading this.
The only nitpick I can really spot.
“Kennedy, I know that you’re already inside my house - I am in the kitchen. Come find me, I am not leaving this souffle.”
Now over here it's a little awkward to read "I am". Simply because most people say I'm instead of I am. As I said, a nitpick.
Amber has a very interesting character, much like most artists. The way she looks at things is unique, and so is her character. I like how the relationship is between Amber and her brother. They have conflicting characters yet are able to have a pretty smooth conversation.
The ending was very good, especially the last part where the dialogue trailed off...
Just one thing I just thought off. Would the two of both be suspicious or wonder what's inside the box at the very least? Because they seem to treat it as an ordinary package. Given that a guy in a suit and tie gave it to them, I have a feeling it's more than just something ordinary...
Overall a great read! I'll be looking forward to reading further chapters because I simply love Amber's character in this!