“Minor number 326, proceed to platform...”
I made my way up the the platform in front of the large, foreboding machine. Planting myself firmly on the metal plate. It scanned me from head to toe. A picture of myself that had been taken earlier that year appeared next to a vocal register.
“Citizen or Soldier? Which do you choose?” the disembodied voice sounded from the soon lifeless machine.
In my community, we are prepped our whole lives for this decision that can either make or break us.
I stood there motionless as people around me stared, eyes wide, listening to what I have to say. My body became as cold as ice as those seven words pounded through my brain like a thunderstorm. Many a time I had heard those words spoken towards individuals I didn't know. But nothing could have prepared my for the question being directed at me.
“Citizen or Soldier? Which do you choose?” the machine asked again. The words literally registered pain. They were like hands that grabbed a hold on my very being and rattled it like a child plaything.
I stood there for what seemed like hours, utterly paralyzed by fear. Until the machine spat out another command.
“Choose minor! Citizen? Or. Soldier?” hearing the escalation in tone, I quickly made my decision.
“CHOOSE!” it blared.
“SOLDIER!” I exclaimed. “I CHOOSE SOLDIER!” genuine anger escaping from inside me.
The machine's tone returned to normal,
“Thank you for choosing,” it said.
“Soldier...”
Points:
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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139,535 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
So i fixed the punctuation... thanx for pointing that out for me
Hi there! Welcome to YWS. This was a very interesting bit of writing, and I'd love to see how it develops. Play around with some ideas, and eventually everything will come full circle!
So then, I'll give you my review. I enjoyed it, it was easy to read, and very interesting. Parts of it could do with a bit more embellishment. Maybe tell us a bit more about the roles of a citizen and soldier, that way the reader gets a better sense of how big a deal it is.
There isn't really a setting. Is he in a large factory full of crazy machines and weird products? Or is this place like the DMV, but a bit more sinister? Give us a setting to go with, and that'll make a world of difference!
Try going into more detail about the machine. Large and foreboding seems kind of vague, which is okay at times, but when you want to describe a specific object straight from your imagination, you need to go into more detail.
For instance, I could say the Ferrari was bright red with chrome wheels, and you'd know well enough what to imagine. That's because you've seen a Ferrari. But if I wanted to tell you about a trignacious flumberwak, I'd want to tell something more like this: The trignaciuos flumberwak is pale-green, with thin, tightly stretched skin. It's yellow eyes glint in the moonlight as it searches for prey. Purple splotches on its skin spit vile toxins. It walks on all fours, and bares its metallic claws when it is threatened.
So just throw in a bit more world building, maybe more information on the character, and keep up the good work. I'd love to see where this goes. Good job! Keep writing, and you can send me a message if you need any help on YWS, or with just about anything!
Hallo, this is Zly or Quill, here to review!
By the way, welcome to YWS. :}
Fragment; suggest rewrite.
Try not to use so much punctuation; it's distracting to the reader. :}
For a short, short story, this was quite good. It could've done with more emphasis on how important this decision was, however. Try putting that in, perhaps? It was good regardless, however!
Ever want another review? PM me or visit my review page at the bottom of my signature. Have a nice night!
Love & Blessings,
Zly