"No, sir. I haven't seen such a pretty face around here". It was a busy day at the central district. With so many people running around with a purpose of their own, no one is quite concerned with the motives or intentions of another with a perpetual or a dormant threat. I would never consider myself one. But that is just a personal opinion.
Having enquired nearly one fourth of the population about my quest that seemed to be missing, it was time to give up to my instincts that this must be the end. As my legs stopped to retrace the path, I saw a couple of eyes staring at me from the opposite side of the road but instantly disappeared into the crowd. Though there was no obvious reason that could make me think that I was being followed, it was the fifth time I saw them this week. There was an adrenaline rush and as I impulsively turned around to follow them, my face was covered with a cloth, my hands were tied to keep me from moving, mouth was filled with rope and then I was thrown into trunk of a car.
Like its said that life can go from zero to hundred in microseconds, here I was lying in the back of the trunk with several thoughts crossing my mind and there was no one to blame but the adrenaline rush. Nevertheless, next time I saw light, I was on my knees in a dim lighted tunnel with its inner wall covered with bricks.
There were several men standing all around me as one of them, most probably their boss, lighted a cirgar and his face became partially visible. It was the one I saw from across the street earlier, the day before and so on.
"You have something I need", said a deep voice but not the one who lighted the cigar. I was looking down on the floor as I heard the sound of a couple feet moving towards me. He grabbed my hair, pulled my face up with a jerk and showed me a couple of photographs.
Nothing was clearly visible but a landmark was supposedly being suggested. "As you move into the tunnel, you will find a number of cribs" he said as he took another puff. My hands were untied and a pistol was thrown on the ground. A thud on the back of my head made me go into partial numbness and then total blackness.
I woke up shirtless in a hotel room and a gun in my right hand. It was a 9mm baretta and had only one bullet in it. For a first in very long time I was unsure about my life but that was least of my worries. What was that man looking for? The room had a purple coloured haze in it which came from a bulb and it was only source of light as I looked out of the window.
" There are about 35 cribs as you move along" said a woman sitting on the chair beside my bed. She was wearing my shirt, was a brunette of nearly 5'6" and had a pan american accent. "I cannot point out the exact location of this place" she added while looking at the photographs, "but here is the number, I hope it helps."
She wrote the number on a piece of paper and slipped it into the pocket of my shirt. "What is this place?", I inquired.
"Given the number of bullets I would suggest you go back." She gave me back my belongings as she ignored my question and that last remaining light flicked into complete darkness.
A few severe cuts and after being hit on my head for countless number of times, I found myself talking to the same woman in the same room. Her name was Natasha and her accent was actually partially pan american because she was born and bought up in Mexico. The room was well lighted and she was applying a lotion which according to her healed the soul.
"It took you almost one month. What are you actually looking for?" she asked.
As a reply I gave a keen look because the number of times I heard about her during this period, and her position in this network, she must already be knowing what or who I was looking for.
She gave a slight smirk as the question changed to, "What did Dimitry wanted from you?"
I showed her a pair of photographs and within seconds her reaction was subdued with something heavy. But given the lady of her stature, she couldn't care less. "Dimitry was arrested soon after you left but was released when police was notified of an activity in the chain while he was in their custody. Now it's all on you."
I asked her for a clean shirt and wrote her a number on a piece of paper so that she could contact me if the goons come calling at her door.
My original motivation in this search subsided after it was revealed that the person I was looking for had succumbed to death due to an overdose around crib 14. The following revelation made me cross my heart as the i was searching for was a renowned peddler and a quarter of population would have already been informed that there was an offender on loose. Only way out way of this personal hell was to cover up the benefactor and move forward with an ulterior motive which was supposedly to take over Dimitry's secondary occupation. Soon enough, the remaining cribs defected and I was handled the map marking the route to Silver Lake, a sub-network to this chain.
As I moved out of the tunnel, the atmosphere had a purple haze in it and the sun was about to set. There was a street lamp which lighted the narrow alley sideways. A shift happened somehow. I still had the gun which seemed to have a note on the downside saying, "Dimitry Karkarov. Since 1991" which, by chance, was the year I was born.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi Vaibhav,
I've only skimmed previous reviews, so I apologize if I repeat any feedback. I noticed your second part was still in the green room, and I wanted to look over this first part before I read it.
I feel like you have a lot of good ideas behind this story, since there seems to be some kind of mystery, something about a network and chains, and the narrator getting roped into something they're not fully aware of. The issue is that everything feels a little bit jumbled together right now. I don't feel like I know anything that is going on, and I'm even just confused about the timeline. I'll start from the beginning and try to explain my thoughts.
First of all, the first paragraph confused me because the narration switches between present tense ("...no one is quite concerned...") and past tense ("It was a busy day at the central district."), and this is an issue because I don't know how your story is going to be told. Later on it sticks more to past tense, but that's something to be careful about that you don't accidentally slip into present tense unless the narrator is having an actual thought or is talking in dialogue.
There were a couple of instances throughout this novel where there were just some phrases that didn't make a whole lot of sense. This is one of them, and I think you could very easily just cut out the second half of the sentence, since it's implied in the first part that no one else is concerned about anyone else around them. Sometimes it helps to read out loud and catch areas that don't sound quite right to read, and might be too wordy or have unnecessary information.
Star mentioned this in her review and she has a good point. This is way too fast, because at first I didn't know that this was supposed to be a transition. First of all, the two sentences need to be separated by a period, which will help with the abruptness around it. However, I think this definitely needs more elaboration between the ideas. What was the adrenaline rush for? Did the narrator run after them or did they just get a bad feeling? Were they suddenly ambushed or did they try to follow the people to get backed into a corner.
This is not the only situation where transitions are much too abrupt. Many of the times when the narrator suddenly goes to black are really sudden and abrupt, and I often feel lost about what just happened. I would recommend you to slow down a little bit and take some more time on each individual scene. There is no sure hard and fast rules about how long a scene should be, but try to think through your scenes and ask yourself "what is the biggest idea I want the reader to get out of this?" If the reader isn't learning anything new and is instead just getting more confused, then maybe you either need a change of scene or you need some more substance in your scene.
For instance, when the narrator finds themselves in a dark room and there are mysterious figures around him that say "You have something we need." and hand him a pistol, I, as the reader, have no clue what is happening. There is no info about who these people are, the narrator never asks questions, all the details are blurry and don't reveal anything to us. We need to have something that we can latch on to so we want to continue reading!
Like I said before, I think you have some good ideas that you've developed behind the scenes, and the hardest part about writing is trying to phrase the words in a way that best convey your ideas. Tgirly also had some good advice about adding more description, which will help naturally slow down your scenes and allow your reader some time to digest what is going on, especially if it's as high stakes as getting kidnapped and roped into a new environment!
Let me know if you have any questions! Happy writing ^^
~ Wolfe
I really enjoyed reading this. My first question is: is this the first chapter of a book? If so I feel like you might have jumped into this too fast.
to the grammar:in this sentence: "Soon enough, the remaining cribs defected and I was handled the map marking the route to Silver Lake, a sub-network to this chain."
Did you mean " I was handed the map"?
And in this one: "he following revelation made me cross my heart as the i was searching for was a renowned peddler and a quarter of population would have already been informed that there was an offender on loose." its small, but there is an uncapitalized "I".
This one: "She gave a slight smirk as the question changed to, "What did Dimitry wanted from you?"" I'm guessing you mean: " What did Dimitry want from you?"
And finally: "Having enquired nearly one fourth of the population about my quest that seemed to be missing, it was time to give up to my instincts that this must be the end."
Did you mean? "Having inquired nearly one fourth..."
Hello, and welcome to YWS!
Wow, what an action-filled story you've got here. I'm assuming from the 1 after the title that this is the first chapter of a longer work maybe? Either way, I enjoyed reading it a lot. You do an amazing job with word choice, especially choosing strong verbs, and choosing specific details that communicate not only the image you're trying to describe, but also the mood and tone of your story.
Something I would consider as you go forward is taking more time with each scene. You already have great instincts with choosing the correct details to showcase, but you just need more of those details in each scene. For example, the first setting is some sort of crowded street, but all I really know about it is that it's crowded and dangerous. Are there buildings surrounding the street? Is there a market going on, and that's why the Central District's so busy, or is it a bunch of businessmen/women rushing to and from work, or heading out to lunch? Is it hot or cold? Are the buildings in good condition, or are they falling apart? These are just examples of the types of details you could include, and as you get more of these details in place about the larger setting as a whole, they'll start to lead to other details later in the story. For example, if the buildings are kind of dilapidated and it seems to be a poorer region, then it might be noteworthy if the people who kidnap the main character are dressed up really expensively, suggesting they hold wealth and power. Or, if it's a hot day, one of the kidnappers could be sweating profusely, which could give you an opportunity to give us more physical description about that specific character.
I know sometimes, it's hard to slow down and write these descriptions when we're trying to write a really action-packed story, because we don't want to slow down the plot or distract the reader. But I think you'll find that as you add these details, they actually increase the tension by providing some extra suspense and also giving those little details that really get your readers invested in the characters and the stakes of the story.
Great work! Great plotting! Hope this review helped, keep up the great writing!
-tgirly
Hey...
Thanks for the review....
Will take you advice on the "Description" portion in any of the works.....Even I find such works with thorough description of the plot and the scene very interesting.....
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi!! It's Harry here with a quick review.
First Impression: Well that was quite an interesting piece right there. Lots of things happened. It was maybe just a bit too fast in the way things moved but then this is a short story so I guess that's not a huge issue.
Anyway let's get to it,
Well that was certainly quite the opening right there. Draws the reader right in immediately.
We get a pretty good sense of the disorientation that this person must be feeling. The sort of feeling that he/she is going through is shown really well especially in this are.
Nice bit of description there although in the grand scheme of things it seems a little unnecessary to include that.
This ending part is a little confusing here. We don't really have enough context to understand what all of this stuff means and since this is only a short story we really do need a bit more context.
Aaand that's it.
Overall: It was pretty well written. There was a good sense of the emotion in the characters for the parts where the pacing was slow enough. The other parts moved a bit too fast and the setting wasn't very clear.
Hope this helps!!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey...thanks for the review.....really appreciate it...
Your Welcome!!
Hey there!
I hope you are enjoying it so far! If you ever have any questions, feel free to ask. I think this is a nice first chapter for your story. Things did happen pretty fast, and I feel like taking the time to slow down and provide more details would help with the pacing. I'm also going to point out some grammar things if you don't mind!
First off, welcome to YWS!
The period should go inside the quotations.
You use past tense throughout the story, but here you switched to present tense. In order to be consistent, switch it to "no on was quite concerned" as I'm assuming you'll be using past tense.
That all seemed to happen a bit quickly. If you don't want to change much, you can put a period at the end of "to follow them." and then say "Before I knew it/In seconds, my face was covered..." and so on.
"its" should be "it's" since you are saying "it is"
I thin it would sound better if you said "dimly lit tunnel"
The comma should be inside the quotations.
It should be like this: "There are about 35 cribs as you move along,"
Same thing here. You need a comma after "place" before the end quotation
You don't need a comma after the quotation since you have a question mark.
You need to capitalize "American"
I think "well lit" sounds better.
I don't think you meant to say "as the I was searching"
I'm kind of confused with the story. It's probably me just being dumb, but I feel that the pacing is quite quick. I was confused on the crib thing, and I didn't realize he had escaped after being taken by those men. How did he escape? And why was he captured? I think if you could explain things a bit more and give more details that would help. Make sure to be clear in what's happening so the reader can follow along (also, sorry if it was just me being dumb xD}
Overall, this is a nice opening chapter! I'm excited to see where this goes, and I hope this helped!