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Fake Love

by Vaibhav


It had been raining incessantly for hours. It was seven in the evening and it was already dark as if the sun never rose and the clouds never gave way for the silver lining to appear across the sky. Within this darkness, there were quite a number of faces the stood under the shade, waiting, dull and gloomy, not only for the rains to end but also for the inevitable to be passed. Never had there been more harmony between nature and humans, given the years of feud that both had witnesses. This perfect homogeneity was disturbed as the bell rang. Number of people dispersed in every direction, ignoring the weather. The judgement has been passed!

Jonathan came running out of the court and had an umbrella in his hand. But it seemed useless since he was more concerned with running than taking refuge under umbrella. Within seconds ,he was completely drenched, and his facial expressions had an appearance of disambiguity and discomfort, not only external but due to some internal disharmony. He ran for eight blocks and entered a four storey building. There was no light in the street except a street lamp which was continuously flickering unsteadily and the lights that shone through the windows of that building.

The door was opened with a thud and Jonathan was gasping for air due to continuous running. “Carl was convicted due to lack of evidence!” And as he uttered these words, a wave of shock travelled across the room. The most awaited judgement was passed and seemingly disappointed many awaiters. As he looked around the room, Jonathan can only see disappointed faces except one and within second he knew why. Veronica was a junior lawyer at their firm and she had decided to move from that city following certain difficulties during past few months. As Johnathan approached, she picked up the box which contained all her belongings. There was a blank expression that she had when she saw him.

"Hey, I was waiting for you", she coped immediately. She handed him her last case that was still pending and was currently in a deadlock which was nowhere to be sought out in near future.

"This was my last case here. Just meet Jessica once."

In her case the landlord refused to allow her to live in the house because she failed show the legal documents related to the house following death of her husband. Her case was that their house was still in their duration of contract and landlord cannot ask her to leave the house.

Veronica looked up at him and again gave a blank expression. Somehow they intimidated him every time.

"I had my luggage picked up from the apartment by my driver. He would be waiting for me at the station", she said as she moved towards the door with her box.

" Wait! I got an umbrella. Let me drop you there"

They moved out of the building and on their way no one uttered a single word.

The station wore a grim look. Veronica turned to him and looked at him as they both were standing under his umbrella. They both wanted to say something but she turned and no words were uttered.

For a minute or two, he stood there under his umbrella and then he lowered it for it made no difference.

Due to lack of evidence and absence of legal instrument another case failed. But here the results were not obvious. For an entity to be legalised you must have what it is made of or what it pertains to. If you fail to show up even a shred of what comprises it, it cannot be accepted not even by you, let alone the world. 

P.S.

Generally, I have found people not following up with the title so here is a walkthrough. Nowadays, any quantity that is declared void is generally because of that fact there it failed to show up proof for its existence. In the title, fake love is "fake" because it failed to show up proof for its existence not to the concerned people but the by-standers who failed to notice their "not-so" obvious relationship. Maybe it made no difference to the concerned parties but if a case is filed then it would surely fail because it lacked the components required by the world. There are two cases that are mentioned in the above piece. " Lack of evidence" which relates to its proof to the outside world and "Absence of legal component" means if the concerned parties are asked to present its case then for ones even they would fail to explain what that relation consists. 


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Sun Jun 14, 2020 8:42 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi Vaibhav, welcome to YWS!
I hope you're enjoying the site so far :)

I know you've disagreed with LittleLee below on the classification of this, but generally when people post art on this site it's more actual images. That's of course not to say that writing isn't a form of art! It's more to help organise the site, and also so you get more reviews as people often look to review specific sections. It's an easy fix though, just PM a mod and they can move it for you!

I also see most of the grammar issues and spelling have been pointed out below so I'll skip those for now, especially as they can be fixed quickly. I'd be happy to go through it again once you've had a chance to edit though, so just drop me a message if you want me to have a quick check for any errors you might miss!

It had been raining incessantly for hours. It was seven in the evening and it was already dark as if the sun never rose and the clouds never gave way for the silver lining to appear across the sky. Within this darkness, there were quite a number of faces the stood under the shade, waiting, dull and gloomy, not only for the rains to end but also for the inevitable to be passed. Never had there been more harmony between nature and humans, given the years of feud that both had witnesses.


I really like the imagery you're trying to convey here. I'm a sucker for descriptions of weather and I love when a piece starts that way - it really sets the scene for me! Just watch where you've got some long run on sentences as it disrupts the flow. I've highlighted the offending section here. You do this a couple more times throughout, so just have a check through.

The door was opened with a thud and Jonathan was gasping for air due to continuous running. “Carl was convicted due to lack of evidence!” And as he uttered these words, a wave of shock travelled across the room. The most awaited judgement was passed and seemingly disappointed many awaiters. As he looked around the room, Jonathan can only see disappointed faces except one and within second he knew why. Veronica was a junior lawyer at their firm and she had decided to move from that city following certain difficulties during past few months. As Johnathan approached, she picked up the box which contained all her belongings. There was a blank expression that she had when she saw him

There's a lot happening in this paragraph, could you break it up a bit? Also, awaiters is not a word ;)

In her case the landlord refused to allow her to live in the house because she failed show the legal documents related to the house following death of her husband. Her case was that their house was still in their duration of contract and landlord cannot ask her to leave the house.

You rush through a lot of the ending here, and I don't think it does your beginning justice. Take a bit of time and think about where you want this to go, and try extending the end. It's all of a sudden too fast and needs slowing down.

I think this needs a little bit of work, especially at the end. But I'm happy to reread whatever you edit.

Hope some of these comments have been helpful for you!

Icy




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Sat Jun 13, 2020 2:45 pm
LittleLee wrote a review...



Hi, Vaibhav, I'm here to review your work.

Before I start my review, I apologise in advance if you find it too critical or offensive. I am just trying to help you out.
Oh, and you've put this story in the wrong section. It's not Art. You can change that in your portfolio.

To begin with, the plot was very vague and unclear. I didn't see how the title was relevant (despite your explanation) and don't understand a thing about what exactly is going on. I mean to say that this feels more like the notes for a story, or a prompt, than a story itself. You really need to work on this.

I also see a lot of poor grammar, poor punctuation, and switching of tenses. I'm afraid I'm going to nitpick; remember, I'm only trying to improve this! :D

At one point, you wrote "Jonathan" as "Johnathan". Stick with one spelling of the name.

It was seven in the evening and it was already dark as if the sun never rose and the clouds never gave way for the silver lining to appear across the sky.

This can be rewritten as "It was seven in the evening, and it was already as dark, as if the sun had never risen and the clouds had not given way for a silver lining to appear in the sky."

Within this dark, there were quite a number of faces the stood under the shade, waiting, dull and gloomy, not only for the rains to end but also for the inevitable to be passed.

*Despite the darkness* is a little more suitable, I think. You could also add the word "judgement" after "inevitable" so the reader has a better picture of what's happening.

given the years and years of feud that both had witnesses.

I'm very confused by this. Could you explain what exactly you mean to say?

Number of people dispersed in every direction, ignoring the weather. The judgement has been passed!


1. Why would people disperse if they've been waiting? There is no mention of what judgment was passed until much later.
2. It should be "A number", not just "Number".

Jonathan came out running out of the court and had an umbrella in his hand. But it seemed useless since he was more concerned with running than taking refuge under umbrella.

*"Jonathan came running out of the court with an umbrella in hand. It seemed useless for him to carry it, since he was more concerned with running than taking refuge under it."

I hope you can see what I've done there. I removed an "out", tweaked the punctuation, and tried making more sense out of it.

There was no light in the street except a street lamp which was continuously flickering unsteadily

You don't need to say "flickering unsteadily"; "flickering" alone would do the job.

He ran for eight blocks and entered into a four storey building

There shouldn't be an "into" here.

The door was opened with a thud and Jonathan was gasping for air due to continuous running.

1. There shouldn't be a "was". That makes it the wrong tense.
2. "due to continuous running" is also unnecessary. It's obvious why he's panting. But I want to say, running eight whole blocks is a bit too much.

The door was opened with a thud and Jonathan was gasping for air due to continuous running. “Carl was convicted due to lack of evidence!” And as he uttered these words, a wave of shock travelled across the room. The most awaited judgement was passed and seemingly disappointed many awaiters. As he looked around the room, Jonathan can only see disappointed faces except one and within second he knew why. Veronica was a junior lawyer at their firm and she had decided to move from that city following certain difficulties during past few months. As Johnathan approached, she picked up the box which contained all her belongings. There was a blank expression that she had when she saw him.

1. The quotes shouldn't be in the same paragraph. And who is Carl? What was he convicted for? Some explanation would be appreciated.
2. "Awaiters" is not a word.
3. Jonathan could only see, not "can". And there should be an "a" between "within" and "second".
4. *"She had a blank expression when she saw him." -- That's the last line, edited.

"Hey, I was waiting for you", she coped immediately.

To cope with something means to deal with it or bear with it, not to say something. You've used the wrong word here; just go with "said".

to be sought out in near future.

In the near future.

house following death of her husband

You missed a "the" here, before "death".

landlord cannot ask her

"Could not", not "cannot". Again, you used the wrong tense.

Veronica looked up at him and again gave a blank expression. Somehow they intimidated him every time.

This has to be completely rewritten. It's full of mistakes. Perhaps like this?
"Veronica looked up at him and gave him a blank expression again. Somehow, she always managed to intimidate him."

They moved out of the building and in their way no one uttered a single word.

"On", not "in".

He would be waiting for me at the station


"Will", not "would".

The station wore a grim look. Veronica turned to him and looked at him as they both were standing under his umbrella. They both wanted to say something but she turned and no words were uttered.


*"They both wanted to say something, but she looked away and no words were spoken."
I replaced "turned" and "uttered" in addition to fixing your grammar because you've used those words right before this sentence.

The ending was strange and I couldn't make anything out of it.

I think you should spend some more time on the characters. Virtually nothing is seen of them. And forgive me for saying this, but the whole story is altogether bland and without a trace of emotion.


This has the potential to be a good story, or whatever you're trying to write. However, right now it lacks a good many things and has to be worked on thoroughly. Keep writing, and you'll eventually get there!

-Lee



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Vaibhav says...


Hey,
given the years and years of feud that both had witnesses.
I am trying to suggest that the nature and man had never been in an agreement with one another. One is always trying to destroy another.

This as I see it is not a story, only an "art" as you would call it. I was trying to justify the title all along.
This review is much appreciated.




Irresponsibly-conceived assignments don't deserve responsibly-executed complies.
— Persistence