He knows that people don’t linger long in the gypsy market. They might pause to buy a bright wool scarf or a roll of velvet cloth, briefly touch the twisted carved little figurines laid out, but that’s it. He’s never seen anyone stop to talk; never seen so much as a smile pass between the customer and the gypsy behind the silk-covered stall.
Of course no one stops to talk to him, either.
The gypsy children huddle together behind their parents, blinking sullenly at the customers, already learning the distrust. He remembers being a child, singing with his friends, rhymes of rings and roses, Jack be nimble, big fleas and little fleas; and thinks it sad that the gypsy children never sing.
Sometimes he thinks that maybe the market is beautiful; the white lights hanging from the roof, the shining silks and leathers and bright spice pyramids. Most of the time he hunches in his rags and tries to stay in one place long enough to absorb some warmth and doesn’t think of anything except avoiding eye contact. Because of that one time, when one of the old gypsy women kicked him away from her stall, her hobnailed boot breaking his nose, and she spat out something about fleas.
Big fleas, little fleas, like the children singing. Big fleas have little fleas upon their backs to bite them and little fleas have littler fleas, so on ad infinitum.
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Because of lateness, this is probably unhelpful. >_> I apologize.
I read it earlier and it's clearly changed a lot, and I think I like this version better. Since it's so short, there's not much to pick apart. I do think it's a bit bland overall. That's partially unfair for me to say because of the word limit, but I think super-flash fiction of this length (as a general rule, with, of course exceptions) only works if it either a) has some witty dialogue or witty story-line or b) is terribly poetic and imagery. Since a story hinges upon, firstly, its plot, and secondly, its characters, and its hard for 250 words to do either justice, if you're not going to including super-unique mini-storylines, the language itself just has to be stunning for it to leave any lasting impression. And while you have some nice phrases and an overall fitting sentiment here, with the repetition of the fleas bit and the emotion we're getting from the beggar/narrator, I just don't come away from it with sentences still running through my mind.
For the contest, I think it's fine. It's well-written, it captures the picture well, and it makes the reader nod and think, I see what she did there. But as a piece of literature in itself I don't enjoy it as much as the other pieces of your writing that I've read.
~Evi
Since this is so short, you'll be getting a rare line-by-line. ;)
Good first sentence.
And this sentence lost me. If I were to pinpoint why, I'd say it was because we jump from people not stopping to holding purses and avoiding eye contact, or in other words, it's a jump from not stopping, which could be read as avoiding entirely, to what they do when passing through without mention that they are passing through. If that makes sense.
You could also make this sentence a bit more concise by using more precise vocabulary.
And then this sentence contradicts your first as, in order to buy something, the buyers have to stop for at least long enough to conduct the transaction. This sentence is also quite a bit wordier than it needs to be, in addition to some ambiguity with the pronouns.
My suggestion:
Even with some added details, thanks to the use of more vivid verbs like "linger" and "clutch", this example contains 32 words compared to the 44 of the original. Play around. See if you can use even more precise or vivid words even as you incorporate more subtle details. Word connotations and denotations can really add a lot, especially when the word count is low. Compare the effect "clutching" has to "grasping" of purses. Both essentially mean "hold closely and tightly, but "grasping" is more relaxed while "clutching" is a bit more desperate.
It's little things like these that will help you meet the word count limits without having to sacrifice detail.
"Market's" feels cheap to me and makes it obvious that you were writing with a restricted word count. You've also got a redundancy with "covered"; rooves, by their very nature, cover things.
I'm also wondering why these details are relevant.
Again, wondering why these details are relevant. Also, there's a jump from descriptions of the market to beggars then smells.
Relevance? And again, a jump. While this does hearken back to the eye-contact, eye-contact to looking isn't exactly an intuitive leap, and there's the matter of distance between eye-contact with stall-holders and looking at beggars.
The main issue with this paragraph is relevance and consolidation and the transitioning between of details.
Sudden jump to a character. I'm wondering why a character wasn't introduced sooner, actually, and why so much time was spent describing the market. There's also the matter of how there's suddenly a bunch of adjectives essentially lumped together to describe a sunset. That must be some really important sunset, and the shadows under Boswell's eyes must be really significant.
I will reiterate what I said about concision and the use of more precise vocabulary, especially with regards to "looking" which is an entirely bland and nondescript verb.
Again, why is this sunset getting so much description? That's prime word count right there that could be used to advance the story.
Prioritize. Story comes first. If you have word count left, descriptions can be inserted.
A third character? What happened to Boswell? And if this is Boswell, I thought he was watching a sunset?
My only quibble with this sentence is "stares". The young man's rapture is more physical than visual it seems, so "enraptured" and "stares" don't quite match up. You also use "stare" in the next sentence, so it's a case of redundancy in word choice as well. You could also more concisely state it as "Pierre watches him" without losing much of the meaning.
I <3 the Oxford comma. That is all I have to say about this sentence.
Relevance? Also, the jumping between man and Pierre is jarring.
Finally! Action!
...and that's it? The end? It feels woefully incomplete and unresolved for an ending. How do all the mention of gypsies being mistrusted tie in? What about the sunset? The market itself? You introduced a lot of elements that you apparently dropped.
Overall, the main issue with this piece is that you incorporated a ton of details that are irrelevant to the story, else given far more significance than necessary, while necessary (like that the man giving Pierre the franc is a gypsy) details are glossed over or buried. Strip this down to the core of your story. Prioritize your details. Incorporate only the most absolutely essential ones in a way that advances the plot. If you still have word count left, then you can incorporate some other details to flesh the setting out, but this should be the last thing you do.
You need at most one paragraph each to establish the setting, general attitude toward gypsies, and both characters. The sunset does not constantly need to be described, nor do the characters need curiously specific descriptions of curiously specific features like shadows beneath eyes.
I think you'll find that, if you hash out your story using a bare bones approach and gradually adding to it, you will end up with plenty of word count to spare, even after incorporating details on the setting.
Hi Twit!
(I think I should ditch the 'official' bit)
I'm here to review
as requested on behalf of Ahmadblues' reviews--oh wait. I am Ahmadbluesyour pieceThings I liked
I like your first
linecorrection, paragraph. It's actually quite interestingEven though you didn't describe it more, I liked it a lot
Lovely simile! The touch of someone who cares is definitely amazing.
This is brilliant! I love how you described the shining of the needles in a different way.
I also liked how at first no one stopped at the market, but later somebody stops and hands Pierre a franc. It's... happy. It's nice and it's also a great contrast.
Your description here was quite nice too. I could imagine the scene well
Things that could be improved
Not much. You're actually a pretty good writer I have to say. There are a lot of nice descriptions but as I said before, you need to cut down...
The bold doesn't really need to be said...or at least is name. Boswell isn't mentioned again, so it's not really necessary in my opinion.
Since you need to cut down, I'm going to ask if this is important to your scene? Nothing... really happens. Of course, if it has a purpose that I haven't seen, keep it
This reads a little awkward. Is there a comma missing?
If there's space when you cut down, could you describe what kind of scent they add?
Finally...
Is it possible to cut down that bit?
Overall
Overall, this is very good. I like it a lot
Keep Writing!
Mac
Hey there, Twit!
I liked this. It's hard to write something that manages to tell a story and catch the reader's attention when you only have a small word limit, but I didn't think you did too badly at all.
I like how the ending contradicts the start. How, in the beginning, you say that no-one stops in the gypsy market, but by the end we see a man inspecting a stall, entranced by what it has to offer. It proves that not everyone's the same - especially when it turns out that he gives the beggar some money. I don't know if that was the message you were going for or not, but I liked it.
I think you did a good job describing the market place. The sunset and the smells helped me imagine the place.
As for cutting it down, I think you could stand to lose this part -
It's clear that he's going to take the money, so this just feels a little useless, and it'll help you to cut down on words.
I'm a bit more torn on this one, but you could always cut out the 'he says'. You use the same words in the sentence above it, so it feels a little bit repetitive, and a tad unnecessary.
I'm sorry I can't be of any more help to you, but I hope what I've had to say it's completely useless.
xDudettex
Okay, this is very raw and needs some work. For one it's way too bland for my liking. I wanted a little more suspence, and a lot less discription. Although I can't believe I am saying that, because I love discriptions. It gives the reader a picture. But your discriptions seem a more like rambling.
This is a good discription, but it read like a check list. Try re wording it to make it flow better.
The sentence highlighted in red is a bit awkward.
Best line in the whole thing. Keep it, try to do what you did here to everything else.
I really hope this helps
Happy Writing!