z

Young Writers Society



Depression: Monopoly, Snakes and Ladders

by Twit


Once upon a time, I had a boyfriend.

It did not end well.

The boyfriend suffered very badly from depression. It put a massive strain on our relationship, and I know he found things very hard at times. And sometimes, randomly, I’ll stumble across something on the internet or in everyday life, and I’ll be hit with this massive feeling of guilt. Because I feel like I failed.

Yeah, I know, how selfish - he has depression, and I have to make it all about me. So yes, probably my selfishness and need for affection made an already bad situation worse.

But one thing I keep on running into. Articles talking about depression, about what not to say to people with depression, about what you can do to help people with depression. They often say very similar things, chiefly:

-therapy helps

-meds help

And that makes me feel terrible.

My mum has depression. She takes meds for it.

The boyfriend was not on meds. He used to be, but then he stopped. And he never gave me a satisfactory answer about why.

“They gave me heartburn.”

“I didn’t like it.”

“They didn’t work.”

“They did work, but I didn’t like them.”

And then I would say things like, “Isn’t a bit of heartburn better than feeling like you want to die?” or “My mum takes meds, and she finds they’re really helpful” or “My mum recommended that you try this” or “Why don’t you ask your doctor to change your meds or your dosage?”

And he would say, “No. No. You don’t understand.”

And I would say, “I’m trying to.”

And he would say, “You can’t. I’m worthless. I’m broken.” And then he would say, “I feel like our relationship would be stronger if you weren’t such a prude.”

Meaning: why haven’t you slept with me yet. I’m depressed. I’m sick. Pity me. Give me what I want because I’m sick and I can’t help any of my actions.

Due to the sites and people that I follow, I suppose I come across things about depression quite a lot. That’s good. I’m glad people are talking about it. But I still feel terrible. Sometimes I feel quite sick. Panicky.

Because all those articles, all those guidelines about what to say, what not to say. They’ve pointed at some of the other things I said, and declared that they were wrong. Things like suggesting exercise, or diet change. I did suggest those things to him. I did a lot of reading about depression while we were together, and some people said that diet and exercise could help. So I suggested it. The articles said I shouldn’t have. But the articles also tell me that a lot of what I said and did were the right things, like trying to understand, like suggesting meds and therapy, like giving him a safe non-judgmental space to share his thoughts and feelings, like trying to remember at all times that he was going through something awful.

But it still left me raw, like I’d been put through a blender and shredded until I couldn’t hold myself together.

I did some of the wrong things, but I also did some of the right things. But the right things weren’t enough. Doing and saying the right things didn’t keep me safe. And now, almost a year on, I stumble across those articles and those essays and those guidelines, and I’m right back there, freshly mauled, curled up and wailing because my misery made me physically hurt all over and there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it because I’d tried to do and say all the right things, and it still hadn’t done me any good.

It wasn’t just the depression that killed our relationship. We weren’t a great match to start with. But it also the fact that he used his depression as a crutch and a weapon. The ultimate Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card. He was manipulative. Emotionally abusive.

And I’m the one who feels guilty about it.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
61 Reviews

Points: 30
Reviews: 61

Donate
Tue Jun 09, 2015 4:57 pm
View Likes
Linguistic wrote a review...



Hey, Anna Rae here for a review :) first off, I like your title - it's quirky and interesting. I couldn't wait to read this after seeing it.

Now, upon reading this, I became even more interesting to keep reading. I don't know if this is your real life or just some fictional story you made up (you can never know on writing sites like this) but I can relate in a huge way. Everything about this is close to my heart - the emotions, the guilt, etc.

I had someone like this in my life. Except we weren't dating; he had a huge crush on me. But I liked his best friend. He was severely depressed, so his friend and I never acted on our mutual interest in fear that it would set him off. The boy I knew never took meds or told his parents like the one in this story. I can relate to this main character deeply, and my heart was with her/you the whole time.

I do suspect this might be a real story, so I want to say I'm sorry. If it's not, I'm glad the girl got out of the relationship, and she shouldn't feel guilty at all. The boy was using his depression against her, and as a crutch (like you said) and that's no way to treat your girlfriend.

The friend I was talking about actually committed suicide around 5 months ago, and it hurt me really bad. I also can't look at depression the same way, or self help websites, or advice about suicide the same way again. It still hurts me, just like you, and I still feel like it's my fault.

A couple notes from an editing perspective on the entry:

-The dashes (like the one I used a few spaces ago) are not good for stories. You don't want plot points in a novel. Just write them in a simple sentence and it will have the same effect - a better one, actually.

-You switch a lot from present to past tense in this piece, in ways that are a little confusing. I do it sometimes too, all writers do, but it's just something to watch. You could probably read through and notice it.

I just want to throw out there that I'm here if you ever want to talk, because I can definitely relate, and I'm pretty good at being vented to :) but if not, I wish you the best.

Keep writing, it's a great way to get all the stuffy emotions out

:) best,
Anna




Random avatar

Points: 300
Reviews: 0

Donate
Sun Jun 07, 2015 6:24 pm
thabiso says...






User avatar
9 Reviews

Points: 261
Reviews: 9

Donate
Thu Jun 04, 2015 6:17 pm
View Likes
floatingvoice wrote a review...



I'm not sure if what you've written here is a personal account, or if it's fiction. I'm going to review it under the assumption that it's a true account, though, because that's how it sounds to me (so forgive me if I'm wrong).

Wow. Just...wow. This caught my eye, mainly because of the "depression" in the title. In the interest of being upfront, I've struggled with depression for over five years now, so I'll read pretty much any writing that deals with mental illness. But this is the first thing I've ever read that so honestly portrays what it's like for the non-depressed person in a relationship. It was a little painful. I know that sometimes I can be really hard on my boyfriend, even when he's just trying to help. To hear from someone in his position how difficult it is to be told, "You just don't understand," really struck a chord with me.

However, I was so relieved to see at the end that you recognize the emotional abuse that this boyfriend put you through. Using your mental illness as an excuse for mistreating someone is never okay. And I can relate to this (in a different way than before), because I also dated a guy who had untreated depression and was quite abusive. The feelings of guilt you're describing, and your insights - especially the line, "Meaning: why haven’t you slept with me yet. I’m depressed. I’m sick. Pity me. Give me what I want because I’m sick and I can’t help any of my actions" - rang so true and so familiar. You've done a fantastic job realistically portraying the guilt. It's been 4+ years since the end of my relationship, and it's taken me that long to begin letting go of my own guilt.

Finally, whether this is truth or fiction, I want to thank you for writing about emotional abuse. I feel like it's something so often overlooked, simply because there is no physical evidence of it. It took me a long time to even admit that what I'd gone through counted as abuse, since he'd never hit me. This piece touched a still very emotionally raw place inside me that very few things I read manage to reach. Thank you for writing this, and if it is true, then thank you for being brave enough to post it.




Twit says...


Thank you for reading it! I'm touched (and sad because of the subject) that it managed to strike a chord.




We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.
— Arthur O'Shaughnessy