The changing of the seasons comes softly
As the gentile passing of time
Shows each day to be a page in an unending story
Every chapter a new mood of the Earth
~
Summer days are full of life
Vibrancy in day and night, senses seem to fly
And heaven, wherever it may be, reaches out its shining hand
Touching all things with the life of the sun
~
Autumn is brought on the first kiss of winter’s chill
Yet the hills and fields are set ablaze
In swirling hues of hell’s unending flame
It harkens death, a passing on, from sunlight into shadow
~
Winter now, in frozen stillness, allows the Earth to rest
All things fall silent, a harsh respite from life
But within our homes our hearths are warm
Our shelter from the bitter cold
~
A breath of life, a gentle sigh as winter loses ground
Springing forth with exuberance returned, robins come to call
Boundless renewal and unhindered growth, return now into light
Our time has come to begin anew, the cycle starts once more
~
And so the story starts again, in chapters and in pages
We live our lives at the mercy of the tale
In summer, autumn, winter, spring
Unknown where it ends or it begins, but does it really matter?
~
I myself live deep within, the letters on the page my home
For I am Earth, your mother and your grave
I am hell’s fire, as I am heaven’s light
The cold of winter, the heat of summer
I am the unending story
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140,752 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
Hello, TwilightMuse! I'm here to give you a review, so let's jump right in, shall we?
The first comment I have on this is that you might want to do some spell-checking and grammar-checking on what you have written. The word "gentile" caught my eye in line 2—unless you want to say that the passage of time isn't Jewish, then this is the wrong word for that—and there were a few other spots that could have used clarification as well.
Another comment I have is that this poem seems to be stated, in a way, too bluntly. It just comes out and tells the reader what to think about it, instead of letting them find their own meaning in the words and the passage of time that you describe. This can often be worked in smoothly by writers who don't want their work to be misunderstood, but in this case, it honestly feels like you're holding the reader's hand throughout the piece to explain what you mean.
Your readers are intelligent. I'm sure you know that, but you really have to trust in that. As a writer, if you sit down and hold the reader's hands through each of the seasons and explain how we're supposed to feel about them, you're insulting your readers' intelligence.
Past that, however, I have an issue with a core mechanic of this poem: Flow.
Flow, in simple terms, is how the poem moves from idea to idea, line to line, word to word. It encompasses word choice, punctuation, grammar, all of that—and it's why "poetic license" is such a big deal, because using things that aren't necessarily correct or grammatical can add to the flow of a poem.
You have no rhyme or meter to this poem, which is something I look for first when ascertaining flow, because it can be helpful in figuring out how the writer wanted the poem to be read. However, as I kept reading, I didn't hear or feel any flow to these lines whatsoever. In a way, it feels like the words were simply written for the sake of writing them and telling your message, instead of for the sake of artistry or imagery.
There's nothing wrong with putting a message in poetry. All poetry has it, whether it's obvious or not, but when you go into a poem with a specific message in mind, you have to watch to make sure that you aren't just writing something for the sake of the message.
You have to write for the sake of the images, too; you gloss over the seasons with weak, oft-repeated phrases, and then come out and pull a speaker's message at the end. As a result, the reader doesn't feel a lasting effect—at least, I didn't—because there really wasn't any weight to this, in my mind. It was just "something written to convey this message".
I don't think this is bad. I think it needs a lot of cleaning up, because there are a lot of ways you can convey what you want to say here, and you've picked what I would call one of the weakest. I look forward to reading more from you; keep writing!
Hello TwilightMuse!
It's MergSword here today with a review, just for you!
What I liked about his poem was the compare and contrast, I also liked the flow and the use of several beautiful, creative and descriptive words! It just made the poem so very vibrant and
Colorful!
What didn't like though was the way the poems theme was oh so cliche. Several people write about the seasons. I'm not saying I didn't like the poem, but that the concept is repeatedly used, but for a poem with a cliche concept, you did great!
Overall I loved this poem, if you put it on a pile of colors, this poem would stand out above the rest. Sure it had a cliche concept, but I think you worked fabulously with it.
Keep writing!
~MergSword
Thanks so much for the feedback!