A doll once sat here
here upon this table
A book there was as well
bound in thick and rusted cable
~
Soulless eyes stared outward
brown and dead and cold
The book whispered things to her
to listen in would be quite bold
~
There is a shadow now
right where they used to sit
They ran away together, book and doll
I'm quite afraid she read it
~
She's the itsy-bitsy-spider
She's a child without play
It's a guide on how to kill
It's a monster without prey
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
hi, this is kman134 and i am here to review.
this poem brought chill down my spine; i loved how you depicted the doll, such as mentioning its' cold, lifeless eyes. this is what was so unnerving about it and how it stares at you from the table; it's what brought up my dislike of dolls and how disturbing they are when they stare at you from afar.
"Soulless eyes stared outward
brown and dead and cold
The book whispered things to her
to listen in would be quite bold"
this part of the poem was so bold and deep; it is what touched my soul and could feel the doll staring at me with it's lifeless eyes; how it haunts me as i try to move away from it's gaze. the rhythm was perfect, as well, and had great grammar, too.
i wish to read more and hope you keep on working.
Hello TwilightMuse. RainbowOfGayness here for a review.
This is great. I love the rhymes you used. This really creeped me out. I don't really have anything that I think should be changed. The format is good. The doll and book running away together sounds awesome. The itsy bitsy spider reference is great. Keep being creepy my friend. Happy writing!!!
Hello TwilightMuse. RainbowOfGayness here for a review.
This is great. I love the rhymes you used. This really creeped me out. I don't really have anything that I think should be changed. The format is good. The doll and book running away together sounds awesome. The itsy bitsy spider reference is great. Keep being creepy my friend. Happy writing!!!
Hello TwilightMuse. RainbowOfGayness here for a review.
This is great. I love the rhymes you used. This really creeped me out. I don't really have anything that I think should be changed. The format is good. The doll and book running away together sounds awesome. The itsy bitsy spider reference is great. Keep being creepy my friend. Happy writing!!!
I liked the description you used throughout the piece. Describing the cable in nice detail. Some of the rhymes feel a bit forced, for example:
"brown and dead and cold,
to listen in would be quite bold"
It sounds very forced trying to rhyme bold with cold and it subtracts from my enjoyment of the poem a bit when people prioritize rhyme over the feel of the poem. It is quite an old style thing to do, like a Halloween poem written in the 80's as the intro a horror movie, if you were going for that kind of half funny feel then it was a good choice of word. However if you aimed to genuinely frighten then in future realize that rhyme really doesn't matter at all to most poetry readers. Poetry flows better without forced rhyme. Apart from not forcing rhyme I have no other real advice, stay good. c:
Hello there TwilightMuse, Luata here for a review! First off, I must admit, I really enjoyed reading through this work. Also, reviews are also suggestions, so please, take anything I say with a grain of salt as I can misinterpret meaning, or read something incorrectly and so on and so on. Anyway, onward and upward, shall we?
I would rewrite this as: A doll once sat here, she sat upon this table I think it gives the doll a bit more personality and it would make it a bit more creepy, at least in my eyes.
This is really quite good, but I would rephrase the second line to read, Brown, dead, and cold It just tightens up the writing a bit and makes it read a bit more smoothly. Maybe throw in another adjective to get the same syllable count, if changing that would throw off the overall rhythm.
Other than that, the rest of the poem is magnificent! The last stanza, I mean, wow. Probably my favorite stanza in the whole poem! I look froward to seeing more of your works very soon!
Write on
~Luata