“Heather could you help me over here?” Mr. Young asked as a girl with light yellow hair and blue-silver eyes, walked to the front of the class. People whispered to one another, covering their thoughts with a hand and darted their eyes at Heather. When she reached the front of the class, a student brought forth a tray with a cloth covering the items underneath it. Heather stopped, facing the class while the teacher grabbed the tray and setting it on table in front of him.
“Today, as for what you have learned in this class, we will learn the affect of what happens when a person such as Heather, touches varies metal and/or if the effect of cyber kinesis will happen,” Mr. Young stated as he turned to Heath putting his hands in front of him. Heather reached out and touched his hand, while Mr. Young removed the cloth revealing different types of metal objects. Some were light bulbs, tilting on their side while there was an old broken computer covered in dust.
Mr. Young reached over a touch the light bulb, its light flickering dimly as the classroom filled with gasps and sighs. He let go of Heather’s hand, the light bulb returning to its natural state and set it back on the table, then looking at the class.
“Now if I ask what I presented, what would it be?”
A few hands shot up, most uncertain hands while the others were wondering what to think. Mr. Young looked around the room, lifting a finger to his chin. He crossed his arms in front of his chest, glancing over the students who didn’t have their hands up picking which one wasn’t paying attention.
“Jay Mark,” Mr. Young called as a boy looked up, his eyebrows knitted.
“Jay, could explained what happened when I touched Heather’s hand?”
“Love at first sight, Mr. Young.” This earned a few snickers from the class as Mr. Young sighed, shaking his head.
“Not the type of answer I was looking for but since you have mentioned it, would you like to try it with Marissa, Jay?”
Jay blushed, slipping lower into his chair as Mr. Young rubbed his hands together smiling to himself.
“Now would someone else give a reasonable answer to the light bulb?” Mr. Young asked, the same hands as he sighed. Few hours later, with little answers and more silence, Mr. Young leaned against his desk waving his arms then rubbing his forehead of a coming headache.
“Since no one knows what the answer is, I might as well explain it with another example of what I am trying to teach. Heather, the lights please.” Mr. Young said as Heather nodded solemnly, before looking at the lights and raising a hand as if she was grabbing something. She clenched her fist, soon the lights flickered off leaving the classmates gasping at the talent Heather had as she returned to facing the class, her eyes droopy and downcast.
“Now, thanks to Heather, can someone please tell me what she had did?”
A few more hands raised, some nearly falling out of their seats trying to figure out the answer. Mr. Young smiled to himself as started to pick people, who gave logical answers while others wanted to see her do more.
“Now, now. Heather isn’t an experiment but a student here that has a unique talent.”
“How did you figure out she had this talent, Mr. Young?”
“Quite simple. Since you must use such a talent at assisting for technical skills that happens in this school. Heather, when she was just new, had pointed out to me a problem with a simple light in the gym. I was going to call the janitor to fix it but she shook her head, asking if she could fix it. It was unbelievable of a question since the lights in the gym are high and I just said why not.
“Heather turned around, raising a hand as if something was there and within the seconds of it, the light flickered on.” Mr. Young explained as others sighed. He put a hand on Heather’s shoulder and stated, “Heather has a special talent for the knack of fixing technology.”
“So you were using her powers for good?” A student asked.
“Sort of.”
“How is that true?”
“Well Heather, her powers can be used for lots of things. To be blunt, Heather’s power is—“
“Mr. Young, don’t” Heather mumbled as Mr. Young continued on.
“They can be used for—“
“Mr. Young.”
“For things unneeded such as—“
“Please.”
“Such as a task for the greater bad. It would be—“
Heather screamed, covering her ears while Mr. Young continued talking.
“It would be used for something you wouldn’t imagine. Something greater than life itself and Heather used it for the opposite. It would to use it for evil.”
The lights flickered off as the children in the classroom screamed. The Dawn of evil was coming and Heather was the provider of it all.
Hey! I saw chapter 3 in the green room, so I thought I'd come on over and review the previous chapters too
I always start with nitpicks and general thoughts as I work my way through.
The bold part - I get what you're trying to say, but to me it's worded really awkwardly.
Bold part - awkwardly worded.
Do her classmates already know that she has special powers?
Also, I think you meant "Heather" instead of "Heath"
Period after "side". Take out "while". New sentence starting with "there". I would personally list a few more objects.
If a teacher asked me that question, I would be confused about exactly what he was asking.
Awkwardly phrased.
Awkwardly phrased. And who is saying this? Mr. Young? If so, combine it with the previous paragraph.
This strikes me as creepy...
They literally sit there in silence for hours?
You could show this instead of telling us. Examples of the answers students gave?
Awkwardly phrased.
Awkwardly phrased.
Sighed like "oh that makes sense" or "oh cool!"?
Ominous!!
Okay! You have an interesting premise here, and I'm curious to see where the plot is going to go because there are a lot of directions this could take.
I'm really confused about this teacher.
1. Why did he randomly decide to show off Heather's talents in class? What purpose does that serve, teaching wise? I feel like it makes Heather a target.
2. Along with that, why did he tell a room full of students that Heather's powers could potentially be used for evil? Especially after she was asking/begging him not to. She seemed really shy and apprehensive about this entire situation so I don't really understand why the teacher did any of this. He seems like the potentially evil one, not her...
In terms of the awkward phrasing stuff, I think you just get a little wordy at times, or get your words turned around. A fairly easy way to remedy that is to read things out loud. Also, when you're proofreading, it can help to change the size of the text or the font while you're reading it so you see it in a different way and the words look different on the page. It can help you catch things you wouldn't previously catch!
I'll be back for more later!
Let me know if anything I said was confusing or if you have any questions!
Heya, Chrissy here for a review!
Sorry for taking so long to get to this. I say it in greenroom when it first came out, opened it. Well, it has spent the last five days sitting on my desktop waiting for me to get to it. Finally, here I am!
Right here, he's asking her to walk to the front, as she walks to the front. Have her get up out of her chair, and walk forward after he says too. Other than that, I really like how you start the story.
You repeat the same phrase twice. *spies redundancy, and pounces.* You can discard the second time and have her reach the desk or blackboard or Mr. Young.
Comma between "person", and "such".
I thought it would be nice if you described how the computer was broken. You know, showed us? Instead of just saying "it's broken", tell how you can see that it is broken from the outside, without turning it on. Maybe it's open and the screen is cracked? Maybe he could open it and try to turn it on, showing that it is broken before he starts?
Which one is it? These motions seem to close together. I got a little lost, because in my head I had the image of his head resting on his hand, and then he's crossing his arms. Just seemed out of place. Both motions work fine, though. I don't have a preference for which one you can keep.
Sound's logical to me!
And the teacher hits back. I'm guessing there is something going on between those two, or Marissa is cute or something like that.
I thought the "thanks to Heather"
nice name, btwwas a bit out of place. Why don't you put it in the dialogue tag?Would that work for you? Feel free to tweak it around to fit, or just junk it if you want too.
You need to work on your dialogue a little. Most have no action attached, so we don't have any image of the person saying it. For instance, Mr.Young could say this while shrugging his shoulders, or be smiling cheerfully. Just tinny little details that help paint the picture for the reader.
I think you messed up a little there. Maybe "it would be to use it for evil"? Or just
"it would be used of evil".
She turned off the lights earlier, and I don't think they were turned back on. A bit of a screw-up, hmmm?
HEY! Are you just going to leave us like that? That is totally unfair.
If you write more on this, and I hope you will, would you mind tagging me or shooting me a quick PM? I'd like to follow it.
Keep writing!
Hello!
Great job. I only have one little nitpick...
Easily fixed. Other than that, I really couldn't find anything! 
I love that name, Heather. 
Fabulous job, and keep writing!
)
This is a great story! I really just started getting into "this type of story", and I really love it! It flowed very smoothly.
"covering their thoughts with a hand, and darted their eyes at Heather."
You changed tenses (I think...) in this sentence. I think it should be-
"covering their thoughts with a hand, and darting their eyes at Heather."
~Snazzy
Stay awesome.
(I'm still tired from chat last night.
The entire story wasn't all that bad. The ending wasn't to be expected by usual readers. The setting and approach were the exact way it should be, if elsewhere then it be ruined. Character Heather I feel something has a tragic end as she is flawed in her ways. Using her as a demonstration made us the reader unsure of what could happen. So good job on putting it like that. Although this story hasn't really accomplish much theme, I still felt this worth something. It has this ending where it could go anywhere, supernatural powers usually have that freedom of arch. Overall this is not bad. I couldn't associate with any character, only growing interest with the situation of your story. The idea is good, but the rest sort of sink down a little. In the end, I enjoyed it for the short time and how unexpected it was.
Wow, that story was really good, I didn't expect that type of ending. It makes me curious as to what or who exactly Heather is and why she is evil... There were one or two grammar mistakes but other than that I didn't see anything wrong with the story. It was well written and had a very interesting plot. Keep up the awesome work!